To terminate/put up for adoption because of abusive ex-husband

[RainMinusBow]

Currently 18 weeks' pregnant (much wanted) with fiancé but abusive ex making my life hell. He has 50:50 of our two boys (court enforced) despite years of abuse and coercive control. It still continues and has got a lot worse since he's found out I'm pregnant. Has told our children that the baby is going to be "born a retard" (because of my age) and that boys should just hope and wish that the baby dies. The boys come home "pretending" to stab me and thump me in the stomach.

Ex called today (via son) calling me a pervert and a psycho because I am pregnant.

The abuse never stops.

Nobody helps me.

The only way I can realistically minimise the abuse is to let this baby go. I know it would break my fiancé (his only chance at fatherhood and I'm 39 now) but I can't live like this.

Argos has the Ring doorbell at £122 with the Chime thingy included or the cheapest version of the Ring doorbell is £89 without the Chime.

The £122 one is a higher spec than the £89 one and currently on special offer.

www.argos.co.uk/browse/garden-and-diy/doorbells/c:797680/

Does anyone here have Ring? Do you need the Chime thing? What does it do?

£89 (or £122) is expensive for a doorbell, to be sure. But it's much cheaper than continued legal action and/or therapy so could be seen as an investment?

Personally I think this is a great idea. You need back up against this guy and this would be a great tool in your arsenal I think.

OP if things are so tight financially right now would it not be wise to reconsider using a private midwife for the birth and relying on the NHS instead.
I know it's something you wanted but the amount it's costing you could be spent elsewhere and save you some financial stress. X

Ebay has video doorbells for around £25 - £30 plus second hand Ring bells.

Does anyone know what's so great about Ring? Would one of these cheaper ones do the trick?

www.ebay.co.uk/sch/i.html?_from=R40&_trksid=p2380057.m570.l1313.TR12.TRC2.A0.H0.Xring+doorbell.TRS0&_nkw=ring+doorbell&_sacat=0

My heard really goes out to you. I also experienced abuse when I was pregnant and I was living in a constant state of fear. I was very hard to sleep even though I was exhausted all the time. I used to do what you did and accept that I wasn’t going to sleep and do something else relaxing instead.

I would say you don't need an expensive ring doorbell.

With my ex, he texts when he has arrived, then the kids ho out to his car parked outside.

Better for the kids as they see no negative interaction and better for me as I don't have to see ex at all.

I agree with other posters that now is the time to set down new rules that you stick to absolutely.

This will protect you and the kids.

Mine are so much happier now there is no back and forth about arrangements with their dad.

Could you put in writing (email) that to protect the children from negative interactions which are upsetting for them, the new rules about pick up are :

• exh waits in the car for the dc to cone out and texts them when he has arrived and vice versa for you

if he doesn't return or handover the dc on time and to a responsible adult you will be logging a complaint with the police and are keeping a strict record of every difficulty which you will transfer to the court in due course

@strawberry2017 I'm very fortunate in that both sets of parents are helping to cover costs re an Independent Midwife.
I know some would argue it is a "luxury" but as I'm sure you can appreciate my mental health needs to be considered very carefully at this current time with everything else going on. My family are totally understanding of this.
For many reasons, not least because of an extremely traumatic hospital birth with my youngest, I had opted for a home birth as soon as I found put I was pregnant. My fiancé, unlike my ex with my other two pregnancies, has been extremely supportive of this decision.
Also, this little girl will be fiancé's first and last baby. I simply cannot imagine him not being there which is currently a very real possibilty for a hospital birth.

Re the doorbells, we couldn't afford the expensive ones but could look at the cheaper alternatives. Hope it's not a silly question, but how do you secure them? We can't drill etc as in rented accommodation.

@jamaisjedors As he is controlling he simply wouldn't comply.

As he is controlling he simply wouldn't comply

If he doesn't comply, that gets him in hot water, though, not you, surely?

If he refuses to drop the kids at yours, call the police, every time..
If he refuses to pick them up, then keep them at yours. You're not keeping them from him by not being there to hand them over, it's him playing silly buggers.

Can you ask your solicitor about this?

How do you mean, he won't comply?

I warned my exh through friends that if he set foot past my gate I would call the police.

Can you chat to police about whether this is viable?

Originally the arrangement with my ex was that he would pick up the dc at the end of the road at a specific time.

As he managed to get my address out of the dc,he now picks up outside the house and chooses to text the dc to show he has arrived.

My "trick" with extremely controlling exh is to let him think he has a choice.

So you can say pick ups/handovers will now be handled without interaction between you.

Ask him by email (nicely, remember you can produce this in court) what suits him best, the dc going out at a specific time (which means he myself be there on time or early) or him texting the dc, or someone else picking them up or a neutral drop off point or another suggestion.

He won't like you laying down the law at all, my exh always goes crazy at that, but give him choices.

You could also state that you have installed cameras on your property in light of the threats and abusive behaviour and he is to no longer set foot on your property or you will call the police.

That way it's down in writing and you can show that you warned him very calmly about the arrangements and HE is the unreasonable one not complying.

I get the feeling that your totally legitimate fear and confusion due to his abuse has ended up with him seeming to the court to be the reasonable calm one.

You need to stop this right now and take back the control.

My ex tried to claim all kinds of things about me but I kept all my emails totally calm and factual and even polite (I ask after his mental health each time which drives him crazy!).

The judge complimented me on how polite and reasonable I had been and it made exh look crazy.

If you are going to be calling the police regularly, (and I suspect you will at the start) you need to come across as the reasonable one looking out for your DC's rights.

@whatdayisitandotherquestions The problem is he wouldn't get into trouble as they are simply my requests (which appear to hold no weight with anyone). In fact, it would make him challenge things and push boundaries even more.

@jamaisjedors Say for example I asked him to wait in the car for the dc to come out and texts them when he has arrived and vice versa for you. Like hell would he do that! He'd just waggle the back gate and ring the doorbell even more! It's ALL about control sadly. And whilst I wholeheartedly agree with you these steps would be in the best interests of the kids he isn't it about that - it's still all about attempting to intimidate and bully me.

You can ask him and say it's in the DC's best interests.

Even if he then says no, you have it in writing that YOU tried to find a solution and were grown up about it.

I would threaten the camera (you can get a wireless cheap one from Amazon) and send the email.

You have the advantage that he doesn't need to come to the door.

He can ring the doorbell and then you send the dc out without going out yourself.

Do not see him at all. Good habit to get into and once you have a newborn you could legitimately disable the doorbell and just send the dc out at the right time.

If he's late, they will be waiting for him (in the rain if necessary) and he will get into the habit of texting them.

The Ring doorbells just attach like a normal doorbell would. They can be battery or wired. The chime acts like a traditional doorbell that chimes when the button is pressed, otherwise you get a notification on your phone. If you pay £2.50 per month then they record the footage for 30 days so you can get stills/clips etc.

You can still get the 1st generation ones on Amazon Ring Doorbell

From what you’ve posted, I think you’re right about trying to dictate rules to him. He would just take it as a challenge and do the exact opposite.

You have a court order. Stick to it to the letter. Each time he breaches it you involve the police. If he’s breaching a court order then they can and should act. He is the one not doing as he’s been told to, by a court (if he’s not willing to listen to judge he’s not going to listen to you hence there being no point in dictating what’s going to happen).

One of the problems seems to be he really knows how to push your buttons. I would get s security camera and record any abusive behaviour.

I'd try and be ultra polite. Business-like. No small talk. Record on your phone every single comment he makes.

Agree with Jamaisjedors

"You can ask him and say it's in the DC's best interests.

Even if he then says no, you have it in writing that YOU tried to find a solution and were grown up about it."

Does he usually arrive early or late. Have boys ready to go early.

Do the boys want to go? Do you think when older they may choose not to?

I really feel for you OP. Can’t imagine how difficult this all is

I second what everyone else is saying, remain business like, polite (overly so if needed), communicate by email so you have a trace and I’d be recording all communication that is negative (including when you can hear his mother manipulating your son and your ex’s negative comments towards you, fiancé, baby etc)

This way you have proof and that’s what you need against him

Ex's mother being nasty yet again.

So I'm on a Facebook page for my village, ex MIL doesn't live in village.

I posted asking if anybody in the village could help me out as I had a craving. Within seconds the awesome community had helped. So kind!

Then she comments with this:

Poor child.

I'm sick to the back teeth of the constant abuse.

Son also sending nasty Whatsapp msgs saying "I don't care about you" etc.

Ah but MIL has now publicly been nasty... screenshot, add to the evidence list!

Block MIL so you can't see any comments.

Just text your son once, I love you and can't wait to see you on x date.

Honestly I've been there, you have to start protecting yourself from your ex because your adrenaline levels must be through the roof.

You can't think clearly and see the difference between the real threats and the rubbish.

I was lucky enough to have a great lawyer to advise me on what I'm advising you, but please please do something to help you take a step back, don't let him ruin your new life.

Make sure you screen shot it and keep, when are the boys due home ? I know it hard to not be upset by what ever messages you're son is sending but try to remember it due to him being round his father and maybe grand mother try not to take them to heart

Yes, we've taken a screenshot.
I just don't understand the bitterness six years on. I've moved on, I've found a new man and we're having a baby together which should be such a happy time for everyone.
Her son also has a new partner. I let them get on with their lives with no hassle.
So why on earth can't they do the same?

@Goldenmother They're due home Monday. Eldest has already told me he's not coming back and that it's unacceptable for me to call the police.

Because you left him and he didn't like that he couldn't control you any more, probably.

He'd just waggle the back gate and ring the doorbell even more!*

Wouldn't it be great to always have wet paint on the gate when he comes over.

He sounds like your very worst nightmare.

I don't know if you do this, but it might help to keep a journal of things that happen and how you feel.

Record things your son says to you...as hurtful as they may be. It will probably feel like there's no light at the end of the tunnel, but these journals can be very useful later on. In one way, to see how you came through it and also when DS is older and can see his dad for what he is.

I know you often tell DS1 that you love him, but in addition you could sometimes send him WhatsApp messages to tell him that..I do it with my DDs.

There are some great words online for inspiration and you can tweak what you see to suit. There's a link below with some ideas.

I know when he's being horrible, it will feel unatural to send them...but hang in there.

family.lovetoknow.com/about-family-values/love-quotes-from-parent-child

You have more strength than you'll ever know.

@Fudgewhizz But he's got a partner now so surely he should be happy?

There are some DV charities that can do a security check on your house and install things like the doorbell for you. There is one in my local area. It may be with looking into.

I think Jamaisjedors advice is good. I would try and implement it. I realise that he is so controlling that it is difficult to do this re pick up as he won’t hand the boy over to you but worth trying when he comes to collect them.

I also know this stuff is really hard. He has conditioned you to always do what he says through fear (I am not saying this through meanness but because I am like this with my ex). The calm email communication thing is good advice. I have a good solicitor who reccomends this as your calm emails are evidence that can be used in court that he has ignored your calm requests and is actually harassing you.

You have my full sympathy about the independent midwife. You need to do whatever you can to feel safe in pregnancy and having someone you trust to deliver your baby is important.