To terminate/put up for adoption because of abusive ex-husband

[RainMinusBow]

Currently 18 weeks' pregnant (much wanted) with fiancé but abusive ex making my life hell. He has 50:50 of our two boys (court enforced) despite years of abuse and coercive control. It still continues and has got a lot worse since he's found out I'm pregnant. Has told our children that the baby is going to be "born a retard" (because of my age) and that boys should just hope and wish that the baby dies. The boys come home "pretending" to stab me and thump me in the stomach.

Ex called today (via son) calling me a pervert and a psycho because I am pregnant.

The abuse never stops.

Nobody helps me.

The only way I can realistically minimise the abuse is to let this baby go. I know it would break my fiancé (his only chance at fatherhood and I'm 39 now) but I can't live like this.

@Elephantgrey I've contacted a lot of dv charities but as he's never hit me they're not able to help. Like the police all they say is "Speak to your solicitor."

@RainMinusBow Ah, but that’s what a logical, reasonable person would do, and he’s proved himself to be neither.

That’s awful they should be able to help. When I went to women’s aid they didn’t even ask about any physical violence until quite late in the assessment and they told me that physical violence is not just hitting it is about things like using their size to intimidate you and smashing your things.

Your ex is physically violent as he tried to push you down the stair. The way the lady from woman’s aid explained their risk assessment that would make you high risk. So they should be able to offer support. My ex never hit me but I was offered a place in a refuge.

Have you contacted a charity recently? Even a statement form a DV charity saying you are being support by them can be used as evidence in court.

www.dashriskchecklist.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/DASH-2009.pdf

This is the assessment women’s aid did with me. You would definitely be classed as a priority on it.

Does your midwife know about the abuse? That should trigger a referral.

As a fellow insomniac, it has really come back to kick me in the arse during lockdown, please can I make some tv suggestions. You need something quiet and repetitive and harmless. I used to watch the shopping channels or some of the channels that do live roulette games. I also like something like motorway patrol. Nothing much happens but someone talks to you. I know this isn't much to do with the thread but sleep is so important to keep you and the baby going. There is a reason they use sleep deprivation as a further device x

I feel like your son prepares you and lets you know your going to have to call the police, he knows you will call the police to bring him home which also look better on your son part as dad will believe he wants to stay and he not done anything to make dad think other wise, if son is not retuned you pick up the phone and make the call to the police,

Yes, they all know. But all anybody ever says is it is a civil matter and not a legal one. Then it makes me think really I'm making a fuss over nothing, it isn't really abuse because nobody seems to take it seriously. I've not gone out for a walk today aa I'm scared he's going to report me again for something or other.

Perinatal mental health won't get involved as my anxieties are because of my ex and not to do with my pregnancy.

I think that you seem to have dealt with the MIL FB nonsense and recent text from your DS really well. It’s another sting (but maybe not a punch that has floored you?) - neither were unexpected and out of character - but are in fact are useful evidence to file away.

You tomorrow is another day where you rest up and don’t worry because you KNOW that you will be calling the police at 9:05am on Monday. That doesn’t have to stress you out - it’s just another chore - but it will piss off the police and your xH will get it.

You also know that DS will be traumatised during the transition day - and you know that your soothing love will take away his terror and love will be reinstated in his heart. What easy fun things have you planned for the week?

hi RainMinusBow how are you today?

I hope you are Ok.

We just had a Zoom service for church and I feel very peaceful. I hope you are OK. As soon as I go onto Mumsnet, i am looking to see how you are.

I'm sorry if this is an awful situation but can you get CCTV outside the house for when he comes and some sort of nanny cam in the living room to record any difficult behaviour from him and also from the boys after they have been with him.

If/when things proceed to court you will need evidence that he is an awful person and an terrible influence on the boys. Not just your word.

Sorry if you have already addressed this question of CCTV or recordings.

Rain it is abuse, and you are not making a fuss over nothing, you are understandably ground down by Xh continual vile behaviour

Please know that this horrible time will pass, and keep holding onto all of the good things that give you strength.

I have been thinking about your thoughts of just giving in and letting your DS live with your xH. What worries me is that he will then just come after your younger son on the grounds that siblings need to be together.

I agree with Gutterton your younger son would be in danger, if your older one goes. Your ex is not a person who should be around people, let alone raising kids. Just hang on in there.

Maybe your son is worried you will love the new baby and not him. Can you convince him you love him and that you will always be his mum etc.

If you voluntarily let DS1 live with EX, the ex will use that against you "See DS she never wanted you anyway only DS2 and the baby, you are better off not seeing her at all"

Aw thanks all for your support and checking in on me. Son has sent me some horrible messages again tonight, saying he hates me and I'm not listening to what he wants. His father has told him that because he is exceptionally academically intelligent (which he is), that means he is also emotionally intelligent enough to decide where he wants to live. I keep telling him I love him but that he can't make that decision on his own, that we need to stick to the Court Order at least for now.
I am wondering if he is on the autistic spectrum as I suspect his father is?

You are doing great.
I suspect that your xH is writing these messages?

Either way it is emotional terrorism of your DS by your xH.

Don’t focus on the content of the message - it isn’t relevant. Concentrate on the overt abuse and collating evidence.

Hope you can get some sleep and are ready to calmly call the police at 9:05.

Take care of yourself x

I would try and block out these messages from you head, keep them, keep copies but do not give them head space.

One of my children is adopted (has been with us 6 years) the other is a birth child with autism. Both accuse me of not loving them. My situation is not as drastic or difficult as yours (and my dh and I are together so there is no where for them to go!) but I would say children often accuse parents of not loving them.

Could it be that your ex is a bit frightened of you. He knows you know what he is really like and he is trying to take away your son. Is he worried that being with you reveals to your son that you are a good person. It's harder to lie about you if your son sees you.

Please keep all messages which are abusive, even if they appear to come from your son. Your ex may be writing them or may well be influencing your son.

Once again I hate to say this, but if ex takes you to court, DS will be allowed to say where he wants to stay at his age.
If you’re going to go down the PA route, then you need to move quickly on this.

Those quotes are lovely @SandyY2K

I'm thinking of you too OP, lots of us are. I'm not sure how much that helps at such a shit time but the MN army is behind you, big time

@OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe This isn't correct. At just 12 of course he will have a say, but he can't unilaterally make the decision on his own until he is 16. He is nowhere near emotionally intelligent enough yet.

But it IS correct @RainMinusBow his choices/views/wishes, his voice WILL be listened to. I’m not saying that’s what the judge will base their decision on, but he will be heard.
You & your legal team need to be prepared for dad & his team to counter PA with them claiming that the emotional damage of having the police “drag” a 12 year old out of the home he wants to stay in every two weeks is greater.

This is where I’m completely on the fence and I’m really conflicted on your situation.

@OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe You said he will be allowed to choose - this is the incorrect part. Of course he will be listened to but the more I look into it, the more PA is very clear. For example, how has he suddenly gone from loving me to allegedly "hating" me?
I suffered at the hands of the abuser for years - horrifically - and I am determined to fight with every last breath for this not to happen to my son. Even it it kills me (literally).

@OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe And why are the police having to drag him out? Because his dad isn't complying with the Court Order, not me!

I understand. I really do. But it is highly probable that he will be asked who he wants to reside with.

Rain you have always fought for your boys. Your strength and love for them powers you on. Take this hour by hour. Feet up and lots of deep breaths now for the next 30 mins before you calmly call the police. There is no “dragging” going on - there is the sensitive implementation of a court order in force for a child’s wellbeing. Mention to the police that it is the xH preventing this yet again for the xth time.