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Original poster

To terminate/put up for adoption because of abusive ex-husband

999 replies

RainMinusBow · 28/12/2019 12:53

Currently 18 weeks' pregnant (much wanted) with fiancé but abusive ex making my life hell. He has 50:50 of our two boys (court enforced) despite years of abuse and coercive control. It still continues and has got a lot worse since he's found out I'm pregnant. Has told our children that the baby is going to be "born a retard" (because of my age) and that boys should just hope and wish that the baby dies. The boys come home "pretending" to stab me and thump me in the stomach.

Ex called today (via son) calling me a pervert and a psycho because I am pregnant.

The abuse never stops.

Nobody helps me.

The only way I can realistically minimise the abuse is to let this baby go. I know it would break my fiancé (his only chance at fatherhood and I'm 39 now) but I can't live like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
RainMinusBow · 27/04/2020 08:46

@OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe He will be, and I will be requesting that this reasoning is unpicked. He is scared to death.

OP posts:
OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe · 27/04/2020 08:49

He must be. Good luck at 9.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 27/04/2020 08:53

Thank you very much @Gutterton

OP posts:
eleventy3isthemagicnumber · 27/04/2020 09:15

Good luck Rain, thinking of you Flowers

RandomMess · 27/04/2020 09:36

Thinking of you Thanks

bullyingadvice2017 · 27/04/2020 10:31

Just read all this. You poor poor woman. What a horrible situation to be in. I have no advice but I sure wish you all the luck in the world.

How disgusting that this is allowed to happen.

midsummabreak · 27/04/2020 11:01

Thinking of you Flowers. I think that @Italiangreyhound is right, that your Ds believes that you care more about baby than him.
He misinterprets any frustration that you or OH have towards his behaviour ( when he is acting out) as proof that you just dont like him or understand him anymore. He misinterprets that it is his not behaviour that you don't like, and believes instead that it is HIM you dont like.

I believe he desperately wants to feel like, and be treated like a young man, even though his behaviour is that of a confused vulnerable 12 year old boy.

He may be hiding his vulnerability from himself as well as you. His defensive angry statements that he wants to live with his father are just his massive chip on his shoulder , that he wears to pretend he doesnt care that what Xh keeps drilling into him.

BackseatCookers · 27/04/2020 11:59

Another one thinking of you too OP Thanks

jamaisjedors · 27/04/2020 13:05

He misinterprets any frustration that you or OH have towards his behaviour ( when he is acting out) as proof that you just dont like him or understand him anymore. He misinterprets that it is his not behaviour that you don't like, and believes instead that it is HIM you dont like.

Totally agree with this. I have noticed when I am frustrated or angry with exH, even when I try to hide it, the DC notice it immediately and it really upsets them.

I'm sure he's insecure about the new baby too and right now needs you to keep telling him you WANT him home and you love him, however he behaves.

Is he home?

midsummabreak · 27/04/2020 14:40

After all the years of cruel behavior from Xh its understandable you are distraught when Ds is showing angry hurtful behaviour. There is no way Ds would be acting so angry like this if Xh was not in the picture.

Sending you more Flowers and thinking of you.

NigellaAwesome · 27/04/2020 16:39

How did it go this morning? Are DS both back?

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 27/04/2020 18:44

Hi all. Thank you so much for thinking of me, it really is getting me through.
Just a quick update until I have time to add to later...
Eldest came back without me needing to call the police. He said he didn't want to come home, but he knows I'd call the police if he didn't.
He's been very rude and challenging as expected as it's handover day - getting cross at his younger brother because he said he loves the baby etc. Still being told he hates me and that he "Can't wait to live with his dad ft" etc.
Now asking if he can go to his dad when I am in labour. I'm not sure what to do about that one?

OP posts:
FairfaxAikman · 27/04/2020 18:51

I would maybe consider letting him go while you are in labour but make it clear he's to come back afterwards.
Show him you're not stopping him seeing his dad, and you are listening to him but also making it clear that the 50/50 isn't up for debate.

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe · 27/04/2020 19:03

Who did you have planned to watch your sons when you were in labour (if during your week)?
I would be dubious about sending them to dads then. If it’s possible and the restrictions are lifted I would want my sons to meet their sister before anyone else and your ex certainly wouldn’t bring them to the hospital!

Gutterton · 27/04/2020 19:32

That’s great news that he returned without police involvement and also that you approached it prepared for him being difficult and knowing that you can soothe him through transition day. This is all progress for your DS and I hope the anxiety for you was reduced and the calm, peace hope and joy will be restored back in your home soon.

Keep recording the agitation with his younger brother re the baby and the issues during transition day.

What were your original plans for when you are in labour?

I think if it is not his normal time then it is risky - mainly because your xH will be hyped up and probably won’t cooperate anyway?

Remember everything your DS says are your xH wishes. He just wants to disrupt everything and spoil your new family.

RandomMess · 27/04/2020 19:45

Your DS needs to stay with you to be part of DD being born and welcomed to the family, he needs to be 100% included.

If you let him ago it will be ammunition against you and the baby.

He wasn't wanted there, the baby has replaced him and so on.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 27/04/2020 19:48

@OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe @Gutterton I'm having a home birth. If the lockdown rules are relaxed then boys could go to my parents (they live just down the road) but eldest says he isn't prepared to do that because "she is a bitch like me."
He says he's worried in case there are complications which I understand.
However, my ex won't return boys without me being physically present to collect so if they did go to his, he either wouldn't return them or I'd have to go myself to collect which of course may not be possible.
Also don't know what to do if kids are with me and in the unlikely event that I need a hospital transfer?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/04/2020 19:56

You get your parents over or your DH stays behind and get your Mum to go on with you. Are you currently allowed partners to go on with you if it's an emergency transfer?

The court isn't going to have a go/criticise if for the birth of your child someone else has to look after your DC despite the lockdown rules.

NigellaAwesome · 27/04/2020 22:27

Can you use the upcoming court date to ask for judicial interpretation on 'handing into the care of'? That would be a good step forward.

I don't know what to suggest about the labour issue.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 27/04/2020 22:34

@RandomMess But ex will say we're "breaking lockdown rules" if the kids go to my mum's/she comes here. I would want my OH to be with me not least because this is his first and last baby and emotionally I know I'll need his support.

My eldest son is saying he doesn't want to be around when I am labouring but I also know his dad won't be reasonable about just having the kids for the birth and then returning them. So it could be that they don't meet their new sibling for some time.

If they are with their dad when I give birth it could be up to a week before they meet her anyway.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 27/04/2020 22:44

This man is interfering in every aspect of your lives.. your home life your private life .. your new life.. this is not what divorce should be... this is not what co-parenting should be.. I've never read anything so utterly appalling in my life.. and the system is absolutely failing you OP.. it truly is... there must be an Advocacy Service that could speak on your behalf during all these situations, he cannot be allowed to keep terrorising you ... this actually beggars belief... Flowers

RandomMess · 27/04/2020 22:48

So what if your ex says you're breaking the lockdown rules?

In an emergency if your DC need looking after they need looking after, the police will not care... it is exceptional circumstances if you have to transfer to hospital during a home birth.

Italiangreyhound · 27/04/2020 22:50

OP can I just clarify that I don't know exactly why your older son is acting as he is. I didn't want to give the impression I had any insight!

I just wanted to say that my kids often act angry and accuse me of not loving them and have their own issues (not the same as yours but in some ways fuelled by anger and strong emotions).

Re "Now asking if he can go to his dad when I am in labour. I'm not sure what to do about that one?"

Who will look after your younger son when you go into labour?

Italiangreyhound · 27/04/2020 23:03

"However, my ex won't return boys without me being physically present to collect so if they did go to his, he either wouldn't return them or I'd have to go myself to collect which of course may not be possible."

Looks like your ex has shot himself in the foot! By being so very difficult he has made it impossible for you to have flexibility in terms of when the boys go to him.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 27/04/2020 23:06

@Italiangreyhound Well all being well I will labour at home. Spoke to the midwife and it is quite the norm for other siblings to be around. Youngest adores his grandparents so would have no issue with going there in am emergency or if he preferred.

@RandomMess Ex will claim I have "broken the lockdown rules" and use that as a reason to keep hold of the kids. He is already going to argue I am putting them at risk by having two midwives in the house.

@BumbleBeee69 You are absolutely right. I am scared and don't feel free to live my life how I'd like to. I honestly can't tell you the number of agencies I have asked for help. I am either told I "don't meet the threshold" or to see a solicitor (as £220 p/h) as it's a "civil matter."

In my darkest of days I question if my life would have been better had I stayed.

OP posts: