AIBU to be amazed how people find new partners

[PotteryLottery]

A couple with teen kids split up and are both now with new people, within the year.

If that were me, I know I'd be single for some time, if not forever.

How do they do it???

I’ve been on my own almost 14 years and it makes me really sad. I am so lonely for a new life partner, but only meet gay men, men of vastly the wrong age, and married men. I think I’m not very middle of the road and so it’s hard to meet someone who’s got similar interests, intellect.

My brother is very mainstream, 6 years divorced, on his second serious girlfriend.

I managed it very similarly to you @Chocmallows, it was about interviewing potential partners.

I didn’t accept offers for drinks or dinner, just coffee to start with and in weekend mornings. I also let them choose the place to get a better idea of what kind of environment they were used to (no worries, I also checked the escape routes before accepting).

I don’t have low standards, my list of requirements is quite long, but it still took me 24+ coffee dates before I found my partner. All the people I met, with exception of a weird lecturer, a and an abysmally quiet guy, all were very nice responsible people, the sort of people you enjoy talking to, and would happily keep as a friend (plain friends, no benefits in case you are wondering).

I think that if you conduct in OLD with respect and dignity you get the same in return. The problem is that at this age and after divorce we are, I suppose, a little bit damaged here and there and sometimes it is difficult to move on due to our own baggage.

Most important thing to be able to develop a relationship is to be able to trust and finding someone that can trust is difficult. At some point I decided to concentrate on meeting just those who had been single for less than a year as it seemed the longer they had been around the less interested they were in trying to know anyone in more depth, it was as if they had become too quick at pressing the “next” button.

How lovely that there seem to have to be horror stories, and how many think well thats ok

OLD is such a risk to women. All the shitty porny wankers are on there lying through their arses about everything just to get a shag. Horrible, and veet grim indeed.

I have personally read rape stories from OLD dating meet ups, especially when noone knows where you are going and who you are meeting with.

I fell in love with someone else but my 13 year relationship was abusive and dead. 3 months after we split I got together with that person..who had been single for 10 years and has a grown up daughter..my youngest was 8. He's brilliant, makes my life so much easier and no my standards weren't low..in fact I raised the bar. And we don't live together..yet.

We met in work. We just clicked and it does happen like that sometimes

knowmen when I say horror stories I am joking really as I had checked vital things before meeting and met publicly. The vital things were checked by asking enough questions in different ways to see preferences and dislikes. For example, the ones that were keen to talk about sex straight away were blocked as I didn't want FWB/FB.

"Horror" stories included men who were emotionally unavailable but not violent or manipulative or weird traits or weird additional preferences/background IMO, or secret smokers. That sort of thing.

For example, I met one man who was vegan and never ate cake. Veganism is not a problem for me at all, but I love cake and he made me feel guilty. His body language put me off too. You can't check all these things online, but you can assess that the person can communicate, appears to have genuine interest and meet publicly and briefly. If it's no good you can say you didn't feel a spark and block afterwards.

I’ll have been single nine years this coming June. I’ve no idea how to go about meeting someone new. I work in a mostly female environment and don’t really go out where I might meet men.

My youngest is 10 and going to secondary school in September. My eldest two are adults and I’m starting to consider the fact my house will soon be empty and I’ll be alone. The other concern is how difficult it is to live on a single wage as living costs seem designed for two full time workers rather than one min wage worker :(. Starting to worry about being alone and in poverty by time I’m 50! However I’m not sure that’s a very romantic reason to look for a new partner 🤣.

OLD is not for the faint hearted, but we no longer live in close knit communities where everyone knew who the available singles where, nor do we have the same old standards where if he was single and kind it was enough.

If you really want to find the person you want, you really need to go out of your immediate circle.

In the time since I divorced I have heard the usual comments:

1. you need to learn to live on your own... The vast majority of single/divorced/widow mums are incredibly self sufficient. But there is nothing wrong with wanting to have a family structure again, if you do.

2. focus on your kid... the kids are your world when you are single, if you focus more on them... oh well, I’m certain I will asphyxiate him.

3. Wait until your child leaves home... yeah sure, as there will be hoards of elegible men waiting for us when I’m old and ready. And how do you integrate someone in my life if I have lost the ability to compromise, share and consider other adult’s needs after being alone for so long?

If you choose to stay single and that works for you, that is good but don’t fool yourself thinking you are staying single as a martyr or due to your high level of virtue in this world of “irresponsible women”, It takes courage and self respect to live a life.

We know there are real horrors on OLD, the weird, the mysogynists and definitely the abusers and the dangerous.

Unfortunately, the very real horrors do happen, far too often, and as we know theres barely ever any convictions for what has happened to the victims of OLD.

Some seem to think they are too clever to be a victim of it. Yet, someone can be a stranger for a long time, and very often women are sleeping with these men without really knowing who they are.

There are insufficient measures in place to protect women, as all the worst dregs of men are on there, you have to ask yourself why it works for them so well.

@IdiotInDisguise

What measured and sensible (and inspiring) posts.

@IdiotInDisguise possibly one of the best posts I've seen on MN

Your old strategy was also v good - quite a few women seem to fall into the trap of going for dinner and drinks (or just drinks) or even round to each other homes, drinking too much, having sex they perhaps wouldn't have otherwise had; and regretting it (esp if the man then drops out if contact or blows hot & cold). Obviously the same can happen sooner if later in any situation, but it just seems far more likely in the drinks scenario.

I've just started my 7th year single. I'm a single mum in every sense of the word, my age is a factor (50) and my son is still small (8) and has ASD. I don't get any spare time at all let alone to go out and date. I had a brief (week long) foray into online dating but found it to be bloody awful so didn't look any further. I also had an utterly horrific divorce that has scarred deeply. Ex-h walked out of here one day and straight into the home of OW, I was totally blindsided. He apparently can't be single and I have realised that his pattern is to jump from relationship to relationship with barely any time inbetween. I didn't see it as an issue intially but now realise it's a massive massive red flag. I have lost the ability to trust. I have valued this time in many ways, to try and heal and I have found I don't actually need anybody, I don't want to bring anybody into my son's life (he's suffered enough at the hands of my ex-h), I would never live with anybody again, nor would I want to share finances. The answer for me has been a FWB. Great occasional company, great sex and none of the strings, basically all the nice things about a relationship without the life admin. I am happy to carry on with that. Maybe one day things will change but at the moment, that seems impossible and in truth, I am no longer bothered.

When you're younger and changing jobs / doing new things / partying / surrounded by people your age who are likely to be single, then I can see how you could easily meet someone in real life, a friend of a friend. But when you're in your 50s and not in that environment at all it's not the same. After I broke up with my exh I spent a couple of years not wanting even a casual new partner, but during that time I got out more. Went to dance lessons, hiking, did a theatre thing, joined groups. Didn't see any single men I would have been interested in if I had been searching for one. Friends / friends of friends are all people I've known for many years ("would be weird") or are married.

When I did fancy having a relationship of any sort again, all I was looking for was fun: I did not want to live with anyone, I wanted someone to go out with. My female friends also went out with me to the cinema/theatre etc. but it was hard to find people to join me every week; people are busy at this age and I'm not part of a big group of friends. The friends I have were not interested in meeting up for New Year's Eve, or going on holiday with me, for instance.

So I went on OLD, got some dates with men who seemed intelligent, funny and interesting, and wanted to do stuff that I like doing. I've always preferred the big bear type, of which there are plenty at my age. Met one guy who seemed a bit dodgy on the first date, so didn't take that further. Another was not over his ex. Another was lovely but wore excessive aftershave :) but those are the worst "horror stories" I have to tell. Quickly found someone who was up for some fun. This is not low standards - I wouldn't have dated anyone who was e.g. racist, abusive, even unkind - but what I wanted was definitely something casual, which may be faster to find. Been not living with the current guy for 3 years now.

@KnowMenClature, OLD has demographics similar to the rest of the world. You can find rapists even in your own family, thankfully those extreme cases are rare.

Problem or advantage with OLD is that it brings together people from all walks of life and it is difficult to identify who are the ones that share a similar background and aspirations to yours. But the fact that they are different doesn’t mean they are substandard or bad, just not compatible enough.

You will find it surprising to hear this but many men complain about the same things some women do, from the shallowness of stopping caring once the woman realised they are not much taller than them to the sexual aggression. Look at the threads in mumsnet, it is very often you see women here encouraging others to have some fun, some sex and avoid getting emotionally involved. Just like men, isn’t it?

Some people are very damaged by their own experiences and highly wired, and these are not ready for a relationships. You just need to touch a nerve and their past comes rushing in hurting everyone around them. It also takes some courage to realise you are also damaged, do something about and that leads to some understanding, which is not the same as saying you have to be accepting and forgiving of everything, you need to know what are your red lines and protect them.

IdiotID a great post, I had all those sayings, e.g. focus on DC, when using OLD. As much as I love my DC I wanted a partner and decided OLD had much better odds than hoping someone would pop into my life.

By the way, there is nothing wrong with wanting just sex, if that rocks your boat and the one of the men you are dating that’s fine, as long as you both are happy life is good.

I was surprised to see that Sarah Beeny's "My Single Friend" dating site is still going. It seemed like a really nice, kind idea so its a shame it hasn't stayed at the forefront of dating apps.

The premise was that friends wrote your profiles, as they could see you better (and probably nicer) than you see yourself. It also took away a bit of the harassment of having to brag about yourself.

www.mysinglefriend.com/s/

@SilverSurfer2020, I need to own up and say that the coffee taking was not much of a strategy. I like coffee and conversation and... I don’t like alcohol much and I’m partially deaf, so really didn’t want to be in noisy environments saying What??? All the time or come across wrongly on the first date for ordering an apple juice at the bar.

It was also much easier to meet for a quick coffee in the morning when it came to find babysitting.

Unfortunately some seem to think that behaving as badly as mysogynistic men is the way to go.

I don't believe it is. I also don't thinknits a safe thing to do to have sex with strangers, and actually the stats will tell you how very risky this is, and how not rare at all. Just that convictions are rare.

Not sure why women would open themselves up to such huge personal risk to just use a male body for sex, its very eeeuurghh!

So what are your standards @KnowMenClature, what do you want from life? It is not about knowing what you do not want but knowing what you do (and to go and find it)

Please tell me because all I found was a string of unavailable, unsuitable guys and a whole lot of bad sex.

It actually became laughable.

Guy one - ok I know we have met for a date, I'll just take the opportunity to tell you I am currently getting divorced and not sure why I am here

Guy two - was the lovechild of someone famous and family politics was huge

Guy three - didn't have a job apart from living off parents and doing voiceovers

Guy four - we never got as far as a date as he emailed me to ask if I had got the text he sent two hours earlier, it killed it for me

I just want a really normal, regular guy.

I look back to my earlier relationships and think why did I not just make them work, they were nice but I was determined that I had to go and travel and scared of being vulnerable.

This thread is making me laugh, I do wonder what % of people got together with alcohol involved.

@BuzzShitbagBobbly The Telegraph has something similar, where a friend can recommend you

I agree that being told to enjoy being single, focus on your children and wait to date when they are adult is extremely annoying.

If I focus on my children exclusively, what will I have when they leave home? Which they will. I don't want to be one of those women who make their children feel guilty due to emotional neediness. My children are a very important part of my life, but not it's entirety.

I had my last child at nearly 40. If I wait until he is adult I will be about 60. I don't want to be single until I'm 60 and realistically my chances of finding a partner at 60 will be quite low.

And those saying about FWB, I've nothing against it, but a good FWB is a relationship isn't it? Not for marriage or cohabitation, but a relationship nonetheless. And in my experience not that easy to find.

How long do you know someone before they are not a stranger, @KnowMenClature? If there simply are not any single men your age among your extended group of friends, would you simply stop looking? And if, say, you have known someone 3 years, how do you know they won't at some point sleep around and catch a nasty disease? Think of all the people who practise safe sex with new boyfriends, while they don't use a condom with their husband. It was a shock to me when my "squeaky clean" husband of 20 years turned out to have been processing the loss of his parent by sleeping with someone whose sexual health I knew nothing about.

I've been single for nearly 2 years and although I don't particularly enjoy it, I still can't even imagine being in a 'proper' relationship again. I certainly don't want anyone else living in my house and giving me even more life admin. But I have several FWBs, no drama, no fuss, but a bit of company and intimacy here and there when I want it and the support of their friendship too. They're all on the same page as me, we tell each other about our disastrous 'dates' with other people. Two of them were a great support when I thought I'd met someone special who then ghosted me (I ignored a lot of red flags). And they're all decent people who I met online, I just had to filter out all the crap ones to find them. My friends all live far away, I don't go out with the school mums, and I don't have much spare time or money for going out and doing different activities in the hope of finding someone IRL. So OLD has been great for me.