AIBU to be amazed how people find new partners

[PotteryLottery]

A couple with teen kids split up and are both now with new people, within the year.

If that were me, I know I'd be single for some time, if not forever.

How do they do it???

Surely your expectations are pretty much driven by your own marketability. Most people end up with someone roughly on the same level as them. Someone else’s ‘not even if you were the last man on earth’ is another’s prince.

Or it could be the other way around, most people leave relationships for the lack of that deep connection, which can become central and more important than looks, money, or whatever.

your own marketability is an important aspect but also how honest you are to yourself.

Sad thing is that most people are looking for someone that exactly matches the ideal of what they want to be. And that’s how you get the many men or women who have unrealistic expectations, asking for far more than they can offer themselves.

Your standards for other people should be commensurate to the ones you hold for yourself.

I’m ok being single day to day but one thing that is a factor is financially living as a single person is hard, especially as you get older and you don’t have a decent pension.

I honestly think it is absolute luck , prior to meeting exdh I was single for 5 years however to the outside world I met DP quite quickly after the end of my marriage . (Before any judgies comment do did not meet the DC kn any way for 18 months after my marriage was long over) , I've spent the majority of my adult life single with only 2 serious relationships exdh and DP. So I think sometimes you see a snapshot into a life without the full context.

If anything were ever to happen between dp and I or to him (err that sounds ominous but we aren't spring chickens ) I have no intention or desire to have another relationship so this is it now. So someone looking a few years ago at me would have said I moved straight on but it's the only time in my life ever that that has happened.

Hard to tell I would say but mostly sheer luck but of course I do believe some will settle as they dont like being single and some will not consider any relationship, personal circumstances are so so different you cant really say unless you walk in their shoes specifically.

This is so interesting. I’m going through a divorce after a 20 year marriage which if I’m honest was never much more than a good friendship. So after we split up I was desperate to date and have fun (and yes, sex) so threw myself into OLD. I wasn’t ready for it though - you need to be very tough to deal with the amount of losers out there - and it was a hard year and a big learning curve.

I did meet someone I really clicked with and we’ve been together for over a year but the baggage that both of us have from previous relationships/life experiences means it’s far from easy.

I love him very much but I don’t know if we’ll stay together - sometimes there just seems too much to get past. But in the meantime I’ve grown and changed so much and maybe I wouldn’t have done that without him, who knows.

I’d be very surprised if I ever lived with someone again - definitely not while my daughter (17) is still at home, I’d never make her share her space with a stranger but equally I’m not sure I want to share mine.

It’s harder than it might appear starting again - I’m more confident in many ways but also aware I’m not as young or attractive as I once was. I’m sad for the wasted years but excited about the future, whether that’s with my current man, someone else or just me.

Just to add, I don’t think the ‘low standards’ comment is entirely unfair. I know of several
people in similar situations to mine who have met real scumbags yet seem able to turn a blind eye, move them in with their kids and play happy families because its obviously a more appealing option than being alone.

OP here - fascinating responses.

Some thoughts,
Like pp have said, it takes a while to actually know who someone is. Why would anyone invite a virtual stranger into their home (especially where there are dc, who are NOT in love with said person). Huge red flag when a male love bombs a woman's dc, huge.

Inviting an actual stranger into your bed!! How can you possibly know whether a stranger poses a threat to you, yet you get naked and vulnerable to them? This is not a judgement on those who want to sleep with complete strangers, if you're an adult you do want you want, but theres no way of knowing if you're isolating yourself with a rapist or worse, just from reading some of the threads of the consequences of this immediately opening to strange men is horrific. Do those who do this feel no fear, not even for a moment, wonder who this stranger is that they're naked with? Might they even just steal from you, or have a nasty unrevealed drug habit, sleep around, have aids, have other bodily fluid borne disease I mean, do these have no filter, just because someone has made themselves 'look good'?

Also, how long does is take to recover from a relationship? Having been through a divorce from a dh I loved wholly yet had to walk away from, I felt I would never find that with someone else and didn't want to look for anyway as I was devastated. How fair is it to approach others when you are emotionally unready? Its not fair to carry over previous unhealed relationship hurts to another person, is it?

The whirl of serial monogamy sounds like the perfect psychopath tbh.

Also, like there's some need to have to be with someone, anyone.

Pp have also said they have a high sex drive, is the implication that they are then allowed to use men to relieve themselves sexually? Not treat them as real people, not get to know who they really are, or care, just use another body for their own sexual relief.

That sounds crass at best.

Its like some have no souls or emotions.

I was interested in the pp who said they made a mistake in marrying someone that they were best friends with. Found that really odd, as my dh was my best friend, confidante, etc. Its been a requirement of my relationships, to have that trust, and connection, and know thats matched by my dp.

That said, I have picked up on the main threads running through this thread, but actually the thread title was 'how people find new partners'

There isn't much at all about that.

There are very many strange and dangerous types lurking on OLD, not something I'd do personally. I've met others through usual day/eve activities and social groups. Why wouldn't you? This way people know each other or have links with others, which also makes it safer, to a far larger degree than off the internet.

Re: low standards. I posted about my friend her yesterday. I don't think she does have low standards. I think she accommodates different personalities. Vegan with one boyfriend and now into politics. She has admitted she can't bear being alone so anyone will do as long as they are decent men. In fairness they have been. She just doesn't have a type. That must increase your dating pool enormously.

How does she find these men though, of all 'types'?

I believe you have to have very low boundaries indeed to let a stranger into a vulnerable private space, whether thats your nakedness and sexuality, or your home with your babies.

From whats been posted here it seems many don't have boundaries.

I know three men who were with new partners within months of their wives dying. That surprises me even more. It's almost like they've seen women as an appliance to be replaced and was very upsetting for their adult children in all three cases.

The woman I mentioned up thread is very focused on appearances. As long as the man she is with is tall, slim, reasonably good looking, good teeth (real or false), has clean fingernails and dresses smartly - in other words as long as he appears respectable to the outside world when she is walking down the street with him - she doesn't care about anything else.

She doesn't think she has low standards because these are the things that are important to her.

So people with low standards don't regard themselves to have low standards. I personally feel that the quality of a man's character is more important than any of those things. And that's a lot harder to find...

As a new female partner in that scenario Lois I would walk away, as that tells me so much about those men that their wives died and they're out searching for a replacement woman in a flash.

Why didn't those women see that as a red flag?

Its quite worrying that those women didn't look further into the glaringly bloody obvious!

fools rush in ....

Its very true, it's worth getting to know someone for who they are, and utterly ridiculous to be with someone because they look clean, tidy and tall!

It is harder to find decent people but worth it. Certainly not worth moving someone in for 3/4 years only to discover you didn't bag a good'un, but a bad'un, who you might not be able to get rid of.

I've never been married but even after short relationships it's taken me a good couple of months/few months to feel ready to date. An ex of mine who I was with for 3 years cheated on me then was in a relationship with her within a week of us being over, another guy I dated for a few months had someone lined up before me and him were officially over (found out from Instagram) another guy the same, in a relationship with someone else before I even knew we were over, and official with her after a few days of knowing her.
It's crass but it's their problem.
I have another friend who is back on Tinder within 2 days of being dumped, she admits that she hates being alone and that's fair enough. I feel like men are more likely to leave/reject you as long as they have someone else lined up.

I think for a lot of men it is as simple as wanting someone to have regular sex with. Standards don’t come into it. I know men who swipe yes on every single profile, knowing that a few will match with them. They then take it from there. They don’t even read the profiles. Not interested. Does she look fairly shagable is the only consideration. They then go and shag and sometimes will click with one of them. Having children doesn’t not affect men’s ability to date as much as it does for a woman. A colleague of mine has his children 4 nights in every 14 so plenty of time for his pastime which is dating!

@KnowMenClature that was me re: best friend. Thing is, he was ONLY my best friend. No romantic or sexual spark. We had functional sex only to have children.

I married my best friend, fllinn
It was the same.

I hope they aren't living with their new people. I think it' OK to go out with a few and have some fun but not to get serious all of a rush.

When someone is newly single and not unhappy about it, they tend to radiate a sort of glow which is very attractive. I've observed that and had friends and colleagues in that position who have said, "No one took any notice of me for years but as soon as I was single, men seemed to come out of the woodwork".

Also, as others have said, you don't know what their relationship was like during the run up to the separation; they could have been longing for freedom and maybe a bit of romance for a while.

I am in the final stages of divorce and can’t imagine seeking out another relationship in the foreseeable future.

I have been asked out by someone I deal with at work but declined, it isn’t that I don’t like him, I do, but I don’t feel ready to let anyone too close.

On the other hand STBXH was on tinder, bumble and guardian soulmates months before he left our home (I discovered later) and has seen/dated quite a few women in the last 9 months. He will be like Desperate Dan, sleeping around.

He slept with nine women the year before I met him (and he was 39) whereas I was very happily single from 31-36 so I guess we are just reverting to type.

I would like to think that I will have another relationship at some point, just not now.

I rarely go out but I do play a couple of sports so 🤷🏻‍♀️. XH will be out socialising after reinventing himself in a nearby town. I just go to work and come home most days as I have DD here (and my close friends don’t live nearby).

Hear hear about the men whose wives died and they’re with someone new within months. I get that caring for a sick wife and watching her die is traumatic but surely they can see how traumatic it is for the DC - whatever their age - to see their father move on so quickly? It’s like their mum was put out with the bins 😕. Both my DF and my DB have done it.

There are very many strange and dangerous types lurking on OLD

Agree. It’s also difficult for the “sensitives” among us to have to go through the filtering process, dealing with the many odd or unpleasant men that crowd it out (possibly gets worse with age). I also don’t like announcing my interests and values to complete strangers!

It isn’t give me either! Using XH as an example, he shaved five years off his age, had himself as divorced when he hadn’t left at that point and generally told a ‘story’ on his profile, including possibly wanting children .... he had a vasectomy years ago.

I am not sure my bullshit radar is strong enough to deal with all the 💩 on there and I don’t want to try!