AIBU to be amazed how people find new partners

[PotteryLottery]

A couple with teen kids split up and are both now with new people, within the year.

If that were me, I know I'd be single for some time, if not forever.

How do they do it???

The way to use online dating is as a virtual social situation. Talk to people who look interesting and if they say anything that’s opposing or offending to your views move on. Then meet them casually in person to see if you would be compatible outside of that virtual environment.

Great if it works for you but if you don’t want to use it at all that’s fine too!!

Yes obviously no one needs To use it but there are ways of using it as a tool

I dont think you should really be so quick to judge, for those two people they may have just happened to meet st the right time. It happens, when I broke up with my dc father I met someone withing a year, I wasnt looking it just happened. It lasted 3 years after that I was single for about 6 years before I met someone new who i am still with now.

I do understand the “theory” of OLD. However being human beings, the “practice” is often much more fraught, at least IME. I’ve felt distressed or even ill after some of my preliminary interactions with people online, some even worse experiences on meeting! It’s often surprisingly shallow, so even grinding my way through the 1000 hopefuls has been a depressing experience. That said, I do think it suits some people more than others, and only we ourselves can be the best judge of that.

KnowMen "There are very many strange and dangerous types lurking on OLD, not something I'd do personally. I've met others through usual day/eve activities and social groups. Why wouldn't you?"

Because there are only so many clubs and activities you can do that you will enjoy on their own merits AND which are also have memberships with single, decent men looking for relationships too. Especially so for older singles.

At least with OLD you have a population which is specifically there because of their interest in meeting a partner. Rather than joining a club only to find all the members are either married or genuinely only have a deep fascination with 14th century illuminated manuscripts or keeping birds of prey or whatever.

(Still not for me, but I admire those who have the balls to go for it)

It’s often surprisingly shallow

How can this be surprising? Everything is shallow with strangers, surely? You dont know them yet... genuinely interested in hearing what the alternative would be?

Personally, with OLD, men who seemed to get all deep and emotional very quickly, who would declare how they wanted to "really know me" , "make love" (bleurgh), etc were the once I knew were going to be absolutely awful and hard going, because they had a bunch of fantasies they were already projecting onto me.

I much preferred the obviously shallow, but still polite and respectful, lighter hearted folk. Because they were shallow for a good reason - they didnt know me yet, and were good-naturedly waiting for the relationship to deepen in time.

I think for a lot of men it is as simple as wanting someone to have regular sex with. Standards don’t come into it.

Yep, and plenty of women so desperate they'll enable it, no standards there, either. Hence, the number of threads featuring women who are literally paying to have a man in their lives, all 'dates' consisting of providing a hot, home cooked meal and a bunk up for some bloke who never pulls his hands out of his pockets, introducing the man du jour to the kids (who always adore him), procreating over and over with some utter twat but 'he's a good dad'.

And yes, the men who 'find love' again before their spouse is even cold in her grave, and the women who go with them.

Makes me think of Rio Ferdinand, wasn't he supposed to be having an affair with his current wife Kate Wright whilst his wife Rebecca was dying ? And they were announced as official fairly soon after ?

ruby, I think I’m pretty able to recognise ‘shallow’ in a profile actually.

It’s opposite has got nothing to do with “being all over” you and pretentious in the way you describe, doh!

Its totes shite. OLD. The old men searching for much younger women, grim, the men only looking for a posh wank, so grim and abusive.

The liars and cheats. I know they are anywhere you could meet a man, but by god it facilitates abusive hookups like nothing else!

No, I don't go to clubs for the purpose of 'finding men' bleeuurrrgh! Meet people generally through a wide range of social interactions, far healthier way to get to know someone than randoms, as you can see them in action with others, and observe attitudes playing out.

@WalkAwayStarry what do you mean by shallow, then? And what is the opposite that you wish you'd see more of?

Do you just mean "interested in having sex" when you say "shallow"?

If you read Mumsnet it's clear to see that some women set the bar very low.
Not that I'd have a clue how to set about finding even a dud one!

A friend of mine has always been in a relationship since she had her first DC at 18. She has gone from man to man to man. Had 6 kids along the way to various fathers. No dating or taking it slow, full on relationship to relationship.

She broke up with a guy this summer and has already moved a new guy in. I had to laugh at her Christmas pics on Facebook this year. She has had a different man at her table the past 3 Christmases. Before that her relationship lasted a few years and the same with the guy before him. She wastes no time though.

@RightOnTheEdge I could have written your post. Work, school run, home, social life consists of (female) friends coming for dinner or going out with the kids.
I've stopped online dating as I found it really damaging to my self esteem and, same as you, I don't have the headspace to think about another person.

It's hard isn't it @OhamIreally?

I am fine on my own but I do feel a pang sometimes when I see my friends who are happily married and seem like best friends though.

To be fair I probably don't look approachable anyway. I probably just rush around everywhere looking harassed

Its easy to 'find' men who'll fuck yer. If thats all you're after, a risky screw with a strange man

If that's the point.of your life. Those men who are just after a posh wank are scum.

Its weeding out the wankers that matters, to get to the genuine people.

Saw this pic on fb and thought of this thread.

(Lighthearted, before anyone takes offence!)

I was unhappy for a decade but stayed for DCs, when it ended I realised quite quickly that I had been alone for years. I wanted a loving partnership for me and with someone who had an interest in joining my family.

I joined online dating and basically saw it as interviewing potential partners rather then investing emotionally too quickly. I had multiple conversations and first dates (kept notes on a spreadsheet). I was realistic and when things didn't work out, ended things quickly and tried again as I realised it could take years, but I didn't directly involve my DC, family, friends or work. They knew I was single and dating online though work colleagues found the horror stories funny.

That led to 2 years short-term dating dating followed by the last 18mth months with my partner and we plan to move in within the next 6 months. I would not have met my partner if we weren't looking online, so I personally recommend online dating.

chocmallows, which dating site/app did you use?

Mainly POF as the paid ones, e.g. elite singles had fewer men and most were on POF anyway. I was proactive in searching, read profiles, asked questions cyberstalked and blocked all weirdos.

I think to an extent it is low standards, ie any man rather than no man.
Since separating two years ago there have been 4 guys who would've liked to be in a proper relationship with me but somehow none of them have quite lit my fire. But if I was desperate for a partner, I guess I could have been in one for 18 months already.
They were all through OLD so it does work!

Also, always met for hot drink in public place for date 1 and didn't share personal details, e.g. slightly different dob on app.