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Original poster

AIBU to be amazed how people find new partners

288 replies

PotteryLottery · 28/12/2019 11:49

A couple with teen kids split up and are both now with new people, within the year.

If that were me, I know I'd be single for some time, if not forever.

How do they do it???

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 28/12/2019 15:14

Some people don't really care who they are with as long as they are not alone. It's quite sad really to not be able to be happy, even for a short time, in your own.

Aja838 · 28/12/2019 15:17

I will be honest, when my ex was in a relationship with someone else by the end of the following week (still loved up 4 months later) it made me feel like I hadn't even existed, that if he was able to be with another girl a few days later he had probably not had any feelings for me ?

WorldsOnFire · 28/12/2019 15:17

I always wonder this.
I love my DH very much but never ‘felt the need’ to be in a relationship. I felt a very strong urge to be a mum and wanted to provide the most stable/secure family I could.

DH is a wonderful match for me, excels where I struggle and vice verse. He’s also extremely loyal, intelligent, kind and practical. We are best friends, but now we have DC on the way I wouldn’t look for anyone else if anything happened to DH.

Always said that once I had kids I’d never meet someone new. Rather get a Labrador and focus on my kids/job ❤️

OceanSunFish · 28/12/2019 15:17

But choosing to be in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean that you are unable to be happy on your own.

WalkAwayStarry · 28/12/2019 15:37

Also some people are more introverted and are happy to be alone quite a bit. I’m a bit like that, though very sociable also at times. I imagine a relationship these days as quite intrusive. Though I am in my 50s. I think some people seem to need people around them all the time, either because they’re more extrovert or something else. Two evenings a week would be plenty for me.

If you live in a big house, garden, farm or are out a lot at work or have a study - a study used to be standard in many middle class homes - then you get lots more peace. Or a pint in the pub?

Circumstances are a lot to do with it as well. Disabled? Single mother? Work in female environment? Etc etc etc

WalkAwayStarry · 28/12/2019 15:39

Traditional thinking? Traditional roles? It’s not really that long ago when working men needed a housekeeper of sorts. And women needed men for home and security.

MissEliza · 28/12/2019 16:04

I'm not going to judge why people would move on so quickly but it amazes how manage to find single people out there. Is it online dating that makes it easier.

sonjadog · 28/12/2019 16:06

I think it is part luck and part putting yourself out there and meeting lots of people. But for my friends who have done this, I would also say that they are very normal and mainstream in their interests and personality. I don't mean that in a negative way at all, they are lovely people. But being that way means that are in a wider pool of people who will suit them, and therefore it is easier to meet compatible people.

Chancey1982 · 28/12/2019 16:10

Divorced. Tried online dating, was disastrous and decided to stay single. It's way to difficult!

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 28/12/2019 16:11

My sister met her now DH on a plane, they were sat next to each other. She had very recently come out of a pretty abusive relationship but just clicked with this guy who turned out to be absolutely lovely. The ex ended up getting all offended that she had moved on and started stalking her and at one point drunkenly hurling abuse from outside her home which stopped pretty quickly when her now DH stepped out the house and put the manners on him.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 28/12/2019 16:17

I think many of the women are targeted by men who need somewhere to live

Elieza · 28/12/2019 16:18

A lot of people just ‘settle’ for the first person that comes along.

A lot of guys are prisoners to their horn and are just so glad to be in a sexual relationship with some woman that they want to stay in it, even if they don’t love her, as the sex makes up for that. Meanwhile she probs thinks “he loves me”...

megletthesecond · 28/12/2019 16:22

I always wonder this. I've been a LP for a decade and am more single than ever. O wouldn't have the time to get to know someone even if I met a nice bloke.
My life is consumed by the dc's, work, and keeping all the plates in the air.

rvby · 28/12/2019 16:23

I've only had 3 significant relationships in my life (including teens, I'm now mid 30s), but they all started within weeks of each other.

So I guess I am one of these people, despite not really wanting to be (!)

For me, it's a few things that contribute:

  • very high sex drive, that gets even higher when I am upset (e.g. after the end of a relationship).
  • I really enjoy people and want to know everyone's life story.
  • I'm not anxious about relationships and generally just let them unfold without much "what are we?" type chat.

The sum of these things means that I tend to meet lots of new people all the time, and I'm also very likely to shag them, particularly after a breakup. Once they've been shagged, I dont pursue them much but usually am pleased to hear from them - when dealing with men, this causes them to pursue more and more, and I shag them more and more. Eventually this ends up with the man getting attached and then the man drives the relationship towards commitment. I catch up shortly after.

It's really sex driven for me. If menopause reduces my sex drive and my dp goes and dies, I look forward living alone, having dogs, painting, and welcoming guests a few times a month.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 28/12/2019 16:27

I wonder as well. I'm single by choice since splitting with my exh almost 6 years ago so I've never really been "looking", but I've not come across anyone in my everyday life that I've liked enough to want a relationship with. I share custody of DS with my ex as well so I have plenty of spare time where I go out socialising. Guess I just don't like people Grin

Deadtome · 28/12/2019 16:29

My ex was emotionally abusive, on the narc spectrum if there’s such a thing. He was determined to meet someone again quickly - always said this during arguments (ie his rages). And he made sure he did. He, and I presume other abusers like him, need validation from another person so badly they can’t survive on their own. So, he’s busy lovebombing his next victim, introducting her to our friends in the misguided belief that they’ll think “oh it must have been all Deadtome’s fault their marriage ended as look how he was able to find someone else so soon...there’s nothing wrong with him”...Although his new victim does have a house, and he’s living with his parents so maybe it’s true about men looking for somewhere new to live!!

MissEliza · 28/12/2019 16:30

@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 you know I think you have a point. I can think of at least two school mums were that looked like the case. Neither relationship lasted.
Ds2 also had a friend who became homeless last year (during year 11) because his dad's relationship broke up and the woman kicked them out. His dad apparently didn't have the money for a deposit or to pass the financial checks, so they ended up in a bedsit Sad. I guess it may be logical to assume the dad had been with this woman for a roof over his head.

Fightingmycorner2019 · 28/12/2019 16:30

Baffles me

I have been single for two days ! Honestly men have been stressing me for 30 years . Some happy time’s but mainly stress

So if I stay single now really it’s no drama

I need to get ‘a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle’ badge me thinks

RuffleCrow · 28/12/2019 16:33

I'm with you op! Single nearly 6 years now. Had a couple of half arsed forays into old but that's it. Never got beyond the bland "hi how are you" messaging stage.

About 75% of me doesn't want the hassle of trying to juggle a new relationship and 3 kids and trying to have a career of some sort but the other 25% of me feels like i'm just withering on the vine. Sad getting oldr and uglier with every passing year.

Everyone else i know who's been through divorce or separation is now in a new relationship - one guy even has a new baby with his new partner.

WalkAwayStarry · 28/12/2019 16:40

Sex is definitely a big “social driver” when young, but for me actual relationships were still often illusive. But I was I think also quite unconventional, though I didn’t realise it at the time of course.

Russellbrandshair · 28/12/2019 17:11

Not to be rude to them but it's pretty easy to find "someone". I'm sure any of us could rock up to a pub and pick any old person up- doesn't mean that person is right for us or a decent match, you know? Some people would rather be with anyone than single.
Finding someone compatible usually takes time.

Moominfan · 28/12/2019 17:13

I can think of a few people who are always in a relationship, seem to lurch from one to the next

SilverWhiteWinters · 28/12/2019 17:16

My daughter asked the other day if SO stood for Sufficient Other. We laughed initially but then realised just how apt it was in some cases.

A lot of people look for someone who is 'sufficient' because they don't want to be alone.

Someone who was very close to me is one of those. She can't bear to be on her own to the extent that she attached herself to a series of increasingly undesirable men after her marriage ended. The latest one, who has been around for 15 years or so now, was so undesirable (police and LA involvement) that she has had no contact with her children nor her grandchildren for nearly a decade and never will do again.

So she chose a man with a conviction over her entire family. But, hey, at least she's not single...

RuffleCrow · 28/12/2019 17:39

It's a fair point. I suppose it divides into old me/ new me.

Old me drew all her self worth from her romantic relationships and wasn't single at all between 16-34 Shock

New me thinks "fuck that! I want to know who I am, not latch on to another man until I drop dead!"(or 75% of me does!)

IdiotInDisguise · 28/12/2019 17:40

It doesn’t have to be shoddy and bad standards. I have not been single for more than a year (when I was 48) since I was 17. All my relationships have been long term, all of the guys have proposed, and normally I end up in good terms with my exes (admittedly, I have no contact with my exH but that’s because his new wife forbids him to have any contact with people he met before her, I know.., but it seems that works for him)

I do not settle, I’m VERY selective, I do not go out much but know how to carve an hour out here and there to keep my social life going. I’m not really pretty or even slim, but can keep a good conversation going for hours. Oh, and I’m also a prude, I can’t have sex with strangers or entertain the idea of FWB, FB? Over my dead body, it may work for some people but that’s not my scene.

I’m fiercely independent, speak my own mind, I don’t suffer fools gladly (I can however support a partner if they get into difficulties, I know how to work in a relationship but I know also when is time to part ways )I do not need a man but enjoy having one to my side.

A couple of years ago I stumbled with a book called Why Men Marry Bitches... I found it quite shocking... to my shame, it was me down to the kitchen gadgets. Blush

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