AIBU to be amazed how people find new partners

[PotteryLottery]

A couple with teen kids split up and are both now with new people, within the year.

If that were me, I know I'd be single for some time, if not forever.

How do they do it???

I've been single 3 years, 50years old with 3 kids (youngest in primary). I don't think I've spoken to an eligible man in that time pretty much. I chat to other school run mums, go to work and speak to people there, and then speak to people in the supermarket and bank etc. I'm just waiting to bump into mr wonderful over the broccoli and cauliflower aisle, hasn't happened yet. To be honest it's difficult to get out with the kids, so I'm probably going to remain single until the youngest is old enough to be home alone so i can manage the odd spot of online dating.

I wonder this very same thing all of the time.

I’m just not interested, if I wanted to I could actively seek a partner and join online dating. But I’ve a primary aged dd, every relationship I’ve ever had I had compromise and I can’t be bothered. I’m happy on my own skin. My dd gets all of my attention, I’m not on the emotional rollercoaster anymore.

I have acquaintances who are always hooked up within a short time and I think it’s because they want to be a couple. It isn’t for me, I’ve realised that I’d most likely never want to live with a man again. I’m sometimes sad that I didn’t meet the person I’d share my life with. But I had low standards in my youth and wanted that happy ever after. I couldn’t risk my dd’s happiness and security chasing something that only exists in Disney films and for the lucky few who have met their ‘right’ person.

I’ll teach my dd to have higher standards and enjoy just being me. That’s enough.

The ‘waiting in the wings’ friend who becomes the next relationship has been a strong factor for many of my friends/family. It’s fine if it’s done sensitively for the DC involved. But I do think it’s kind of unimaginative. What’s wrong with trying out singledom/non-monogamy? What’s so great about having the same person hanging about the place all the time?

I don't think it's low standards at all. Perhaps more open-ness to what might work and less being bound by an expectation that you have to remain together for the rest of your lives therefore everything has to be pretty much perfect. More enjoying what you have now rather than worrying about tomorrow.
Also yes, people that get out more and do things have many more opportunities to meet potential partners.

The ones I know who have moved on quickly have "raided" their back catalogue of old friends. There was overlap as they started to distance themselves from their spouse and relied on the "friend" for support during the marriage breakup.

Anotger 2 who have met via OLD are not particularly happy, 5-10 years down the line but are now loathe to go through another break up.

If you were genuinely commited to a marriage or relationship then you don't switch off feelings quickly. You have to process loss and learn who you are again. I don't think this can happen when you are in the storm of a divorce so I see those dating whilst not divorced as a major red flag.

A new relationship is often used as a drug to soften the negative feelings that accompany a relationship ending. When the drug wears off, as it always does, those unprocessed feelings are still there.

Some people are afraid of their painful feelings, understandably as who likes to suffer but it is often just temporary and a transition leading to growth.

I think post relationships you can give out a vibe of needy for a relationship that attracts people or conversely so untrusting that repels people. Neither is good!

Getting emotionally healthy, learning boundaries and being financiamly & emotionally independent needs to happen and I just don't think it happens quickly for most people. You see it on MN all the time, we are moving in together because finances work better, we lurve each other and the classic "my children adore him" it is always a red flag

I had the feeling of “needing” to be with someone after my divorce and this lasted all through my 30’s and early 40’s. As I got older this tailed off and now at 50, I would happily be single for the rest of my life. I love it. Me, my dog and doing what I want when I want.

I do look back at that spell of blended families etc and I realise that the way I was meeting my own perceived needs was at the cost of my child’s needs and that was wrong.

I think a lot of people do this, particularly when younger. The need for validation and to be with someone when younger is very strong.

You never, ever know what's around the corner OP.

I always cringe at myself because I did this. When my marriage broke down and I was made homeless and redundant in the same month, I was single for 2 years then met three people all at once and didn't have a clue what to do. Just had fun for a while, didn't commit to any and then thought one of them was actually decent (had left an abusive marriage, broken bones etc) turned out he was actually a complete dick (secret cocaine use) so gave him the heave ho. I ended bumping into an old work colleague a month later, that I had liked since my single period after marriage but was too traumatised to act on it and left my job. We are now living together and I love him so much but wish I could erase that weird period between.

I think I was a bit traumatised and bored tbh and drinking too much. I think some of us lose our way a bit after a marriage breakdown. I admit I was trying to heal myself through sex and an ego boost from people I wasn't even remotely interested in. I can see that now.

I have always wondered this too!
My last break up left me so broken I cant imagine being with anyone else. I have friends who have remarried in the time I've been single.

I've been with DH for ages, but before him I had three serious relationships and was never single for longer than three months in between. I didn't plan it that way, or feel desperate to be with a man - it's just that I'm quite a sociable easygoing person who finds it easy to meet someone I enjoy spending time with. Then it gets more serious, and before you know it, it's become another long term relationship!

This was pre kids though - it might be different now if I split up with DH.

Some of these posts sound a bit judgey!

OP to answer your question - how do they do it - well that depends

My marriage was over well before the official split - we spent 6 months drawing up plans of how we would manage childcare, finances and accommodation before ex-H and I even stopped sharing a bed. We were friends and still are, thus the divorce.

I went on online dating because I'd been with ex-H since I was in my teens and had never really dated, it seemed like fun. Ex-H knee and had the kids. I had no intention of meeting someone for a long-term relationship, I just wanted to mess about and flirt and have sex. After a few months I met DH. We clicked and being together just made sense - in a way it was quite inconvenient because I too had judgey thoughts/feelings back then about not being 'one of those people' who relationship hops. But you can't chuck away a good thing just because the timing isn't perfect. We are 5 years married now, I realise now how relationships are meant to be rather than marrying my best mate like I did before. He's a lovely step-dad (red flag eh?) and I'm currently pregnant.

Does that help? You should remember that you will often really have no idea what is going on behind closed doors. For example it blew everyone's minds when ex-H and I announced our separation, nobody saw it coming. They thought we must have had a big bust up not a carefully planned separation.

The people I know who have done this have actively put themselves out there to meet someone and made lots of effort. Sometimes friends haven’t approved at how quickly they have moved on but they seem happy enough. In a way I admire them for going after what they wanted.

I met someone quickly after I separated and looking back it wasn’t the best thing to do as it didn’t work out. Now several years on I am quite happy on my own and don’t feel that need to be with someone any more.

Btw, of the three people I am thinking of who moved on quickly, one met a new partner online, one was already a friend and another met someone walking the dog!

I often wonder this. My friend split up with her boyfriend of two years in May and within two weeks she had a new boyfriend. She met him at the gym.
I'm not single but I know if I split up with my partner I'd be alone for ages! I'm rubbish at flirting though and reading signals so maybe that has something to do with it. My friend has never been single though. She does go straight from boyfriend to boyfriend. Do they line the next one up before getting rid of the previous?
Another thing she does is reinvent herself with each boyfriend. She was vegan in her last relationship as he was and now she's become very political when I know she didn't even bother voting in the last election. I tend to rule out potential partners if we don't have common values. Maybe I was doing it wrong

I've been single for about 4 years and I don't think its going to change. I don't like online dating ( tried it but it seemed like most men were in it for a quick, no strings shag) and I don't meet single men day to day. Also ds is still young and I don't want to bring random men around him.
It seems pretty impossible tbh and depressing. I'm 41 and am staring down the barrel of a very lonely life.

Simple standards IMO, ie. Aren’t especially fussed about good looks, or cultural interests etc.

OR meet lots and lots of men in the day through work, hobbies, social life, study etc

I've had colleagues marry, divorce & remarry in the time I've been single!!
Some I know have been married 3 or 4 times!

I do get interest but from married men & I'm not going there.

No idea where all these decent single men are.

Not on OLD - that's where I see many men who I know are married/ have girlfriends!!

Me and my ex split three years ago...I've had one casual fling in that time he is onto relationship number 3...he jumps from one to the other and the longest he has been single in the last 3 years is probably 4 months...I don't get it...he's not even that great...makes me question what's wrong with me tbh

I think it's a combination of luck and low standards.

I know someone who broke up with a guy and within 4 weeks met another one, then after breaking up with that one, she found her now bf within 4 months. These have all been long term relationships too.

I have been a widow for almost four years and have no desire to find another partner but, in that four years, not even the offer of a single date. I do have resting bitch face though and I'm guessing I give off do not approach vibes. But my head tells me it is that blokes are just not interested in me. I don't understand how others meet people so easily.

I was single for 2 years.

Doesnt make me superior. Neither being in a couple or being single makes you better.

But some people here are so smug with the competitive singleness

Imagine a thread saying 'people who are single are just saddos who cant get anyone's which is what the 'low standards' comments come across as.

No one is making anyone else get into a relationship quickly, leave them alone and stop judging. You all would be kicking off people judged you being single.

I think a lot of people use sex/relationships as a crutch, especially after a break up and anything is seen as better than nothing. (Getting right back on the apps asap after a break up seems common terminology amongst those using old)
Some just cant be by themselves. One of the mums at dc old primary was dating within 6 months of dh dying, new man was staying over less than 12 months after and moved in at 18 months. One of her daughters was only 9 at the time. Dsis was a serial monogamist and hasn't been single in 35 years despite numerous bf and husbands.

Each to their own i guess.

I agree op. But I more wonder it about people with small children rather than teens. I know a woman from my children’s school that has 5 kids by 3 different men, oldest is 7! I’m not judging I just honestly don’t know how people meet others so quick! I’ve been single for 3 years and likely I will be for many more as I’m a single mum with no help from family and an absent ex. So unless these people are introducing men to their children very quickly I can’t see how else it’s working.

I too don't understand (or trust) people who just bounce from relationship to relationships. How can your heart heal so quickly?

My world gives me zero opportunities to meet someone, and tbh I don't know if that is by accident or design!

All the things I do and places I go have the same people in. The idea of putting myself out for "approval" fills me with horror and dread so I'm basically just now looking at a life by myself. It is what it is.