AIBU to be amazed how people find new partners

[PotteryLottery]

A couple with teen kids split up and are both now with new people, within the year.

If that were me, I know I'd be single for some time, if not forever.

How do they do it???

Yes buzz that sums it up for me too. I must say I found the whole “dating” thing 40s onwards cringey and unnatural.

The alternative is not totally brilliant of course. But I think if it was less stigmatised it would be easier perhaps.

I wonder about this too - I don't judge people who do this, I envy them. How can they find another person who also wants a relationship and finds them attractive so quickly. Especially past the age of 30 when the pool of single people gets much fewer?

I love being in a relationship. I've been single for 4 years now and can't find anything that sticks past a couple of dates. I would love to know how it's done.

I'm not judging people who get into relationships quickly after the breakdown of another. I just often wonder where they find these men? When I was single, dating was a nightmare, and I was a childfree woman in her late twenties. I can't imagine having to date now as an older woman, with potential children on the scene and an ex to consider. Most men either run a mile, want you for sex, or are just horrendous and there is a reason they're still single. Where are all these nice men that people seem to find hiding??

Thats my worry! How will I find someone who not only I find attractive but finds me attractive too, and is single, and within my age range. Seems like the stars have to align for it to work out.

*I wonder about this too - I don't judge people who do this, I envy them. How can they find another person who also wants a relationship and finds them attractive so quickly. Especially past the age of 30 when the pool of single people gets much fewer?

I love being in a relationship. I've been single for 4 years now and can't find anything that sticks past a couple of dates. I would love to know how it's done.*

Yep, this is me. I enjoy my life and am content being single, I have a good job, flat, interests, friends etc, but I have literally dated a string of sociopaths who freak out after a few weeks and their ‘nice’ persona falls away. I’m finding them on dating apps where you have no way of knowing what the person is like at first as it’s just pictures and a short bio so how I keep finding emotionally damaged/unavailable people, god knows. But nobody sticks around and certainly nobody is pursuing me for a relationship. No idea where other people find uncomplicated folk who just... like them

My Mother married four times, all successful men but unfortunately the last one, my stepfather was an alcoholic. She was a breathtakingly beautiful woman and had been on the stage and a model when younger.

She always left them, mainly because she got bored of them. Well her last DH died.

They were like moths to the flame, as well as being beautiful she was very witty and very good at conversation.She knew a lot of quotes and proverbs and was very good at storytelling. She could hold a room. She was however self obsessed and cruel.

She didn’t believe in equality she thought women were far superior to men in every aspect and that they should be grateful if she even spoke to them.

Yeah I don’t understand it either. Like some people who have back to back boyfriends. How do they find so many people that are up to their standard! I found it hard to find one!

I have wondered this too. Not in a judgmental way, just logistically, how is it possible?

I have left an abusive relationship and can’t imagine ever having the confidence to date again. I couldn’t put myself in a situation where I could be harmed like that again.

I was thinking that if I did want to date again how could I do it? There are single mums who have their child full time and manage to find a new partner. How do they meet them? How do they have time to date. I know a lot of people who go on dates when their kids are with their dads but if you have them full time what do you do?

I also wonder who would want to date someone with baby (I have one) but again people do.

Fuck off with your 'low standards' comments

Define low standards. Who decided that some partners are not valid? Are some people in the world just not good enough to deserve to be in a relationship?

Well the woman I referred to has no contact with her children and grandchildren because she chose to continue a relationship with a man even once finding out he was a convicted child sex offender.

I'd say being so desperate to not be single that you would invite a child sex offender into your young grandchildren's lives is having pretty low standards.

I think happily lying down with a man who did this is having pretty low standards. Tbh.

She wept many times over the years as she dated these increasingly sub standard men that people didn't know the sacrifices she'd had to make just to be in a relationship. So even she knew she had low standards.

But not single, at least...

Most people I know with ‘high standards’ ie. the terminally single are either completely spontaneous fun loving types who genuinely don’t want to be tied down or socially awkward people. Some people do jump from relationship to relationship and have low standards while others have so much going for them it’s easy to attract a good partner. There is no one size fits all explanation and we are all different. Go figure.

I'd say being so desperate to not be single that you would invite a child sex offender into your young grandchildren's lives is having pretty low standards.

I dont call that low standards. I call that some with issues so severe it's likely a mental health issue.

I can bet she was never a mum that put her kids before her next shag. It's called being a shit parent and person.

I think being single isn't really stigmatised like it used to be. Or maybe I just don't notice anyone judging. Perhaps it's different when you're single with children. Someone said earlier she thought she'd be slated for saying single people are fussy and don't want to date "real" people warts and all. I'm definitely fussy and don't want a "real" noisy partner with all their opinions and tv preferences I love my peaceful life. The house stays tidy (ish), we do exactly the things we want to, there's no time pressure, there's such a feeling of calm. Then again my marriage was pretty abusive so maybe I've been left craving that more that most people.
On the odd occasions people ask if I'd like to meet anyone, I tend to laugh and say "good god no, I never want another man in my house leaving his belongings around and shattering our peace!" Noone seems to find that weird, but maybe I'm just oblivious to any judging.

Same here in many ways @makeitrain. I feel like the chances of finding a man (or woman) who enhances my life and the dcs lives rather than filling it with unwanted drama is so small it's almost not worth looking. Whenever i do let my guard down with someone i seem to end up regretting it.

Plenty of people can't bear to be on their own so get into relationships quickly as they simply can't hack a single life.

I'm always amazed at how people can have the energy to be out and about dating/starting new relationships when they have very young DC. I have three children and a very supportive husband and I am constantly exhausted and just want to relax when they are in bed. I can't imagine getting glammed up very regularly to be going out on dates and trying to organise babysitters. Myself and a work colleague often joke about it saying if anything ever happened with our husbands then we would remain eternally and happily single as we couldn't be bothered getting back onto the whole dating scene.
I absolutely love it though when someone who was in an awful relationship meets a really nice person and finds proper happiness. A mother from my baby group when I had DC1 was in awful emotionally abusive relationship . She found the courage to kick him out about four years ago and then met an absolutely fabulous man. She is absolutely glowing and looks amazing and he is wonderful with her son.

My marriage has been dead for years. We’ve had sex (bad sex) twice in the last year. So when we split up and if I met somebody, it would look quick to outsiders but I’m desperately lonely and have been for a decade.

I've just remembered something that happened at school pick up recently that shocked me.
One of DS's friends mums came up to me and asked me how I meet men. I jokily, but honestly, said I'd been single for a decade so don't know anything about it! She replied quite seriously and said she'd just spilt up with the dad of her youngest and can't be single.
Then the kids came tearing out and I was left .

This thread is weird

It is quite brave to be single and stay single, it is hard. I have had very long periods of being single and it’s now easy for me to do.

It’s also brave to put yourself out there emotionally and take risks

There is an element of bravery in each but it can come across as martyrdom in the singles camp, also littered with low self esteem and low confidence. As with jumping into relationships people can have low standards for themselves, lack self esteem etc. Many people end up single through choice but many just don’t have the confidence to go out dating. Many people in unhappy marriages don’t want to leave and ever be single. Which suggests that yes both are brave moves!

I wonder this. How it all happens so quickly. How it doesn't take months and months to process the loss of your marriage.

If my marriage broke down, I'm sure I'd be a mess for ages.

Saying that: I dream of being able to afford to live alone. I wouldn't date. I couldn't be bothered.

I was certain, in the maelstrom of caring for dh and raising ds, that I would never be interested in sex or men again. I was wrong about myself. I wonder about my grandmother, who was a widow living alone for 20 years - did she find that difficult or was it her heart's desire? I'll never know now.

Can't understand why anyone would want to jump from partner to partner, men are such hard work.

If I find myself single I know definitely I would never marry again, I've had my kids and getting married again would mess up their inheritance. I also can't see myself living with anyone, I want to enjoy my own space and do what I want without having to compromise with the wants of someone else. I'm quite happy in my own company and have plenty of interests. I would only consider a relationship if we only meet up occasionally and I don't have to wash his socks!

Mind you, I think I am not an attractive prospect to men as I don't put up with shit and am probably quite scary so don't think I have much choice anyway!

I wonder this. How it all happens so quickly. How it doesn't take months and months to process the loss of your marriage.

It does, no matter how many years your marriage has been dead, you still get some months in shock while you adjust to the new status quo.

My ex and I moved on quite quickly, we were both in solid relationships a year after the split but then, we had fallen out of love many years before we split. Obviously, people found it difficult to believe but then, they were not part of our marriage.

To be honest, wanting to stay single is not a problem neither being single for ages, the problem is assuming that everyone who succeeds in finding a new partner does so due to lower standards.

When it comes to finding the life they personally want, some people are more attractive, some are more proactive and some just have better luck in getting the stars aligned so everything falls into place. Simple as that, I would say.

I really wonder this too, OP. Do they have a set of criteria to meet (e.g. money or education) and then, if they've ticked those boxes, disregard any potential turnoffs (physical attractiveness)? And if so, how do they rationalise the lack of those things? Do they focus on finding someone else whose priority is also to couple up? I guess if one's priority is to not be alone, rather than finding a deep connection, expectations are different/lower.

I think it's not that they aren't looking for one, but more that some people find it easier than others to form an emotional connection.