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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why is he like this?

232 replies

boyfriendproblem · 24/12/2019 15:05

I'm 26, the same age as my boyfriend and we have been together just over two years. I don't understand why he behaves the way he does.

He doesn't want to have sex with me, says it's for different reasons, once he told me it's because I smell. I don't like doing a certain position because it hurts and he then said it's because I don't want to do that. I said, 'So you don't want to have sex with me because I don't want to do one sexual position?' and he said, 'Yes.'

He has a friend a female friend he knew before me. We rarely go out because he wants to only go out with his friends and they don't talk to me when I meet them. I say hello and they all ignore me even their girlfriends who I don't even know. One of his friends, who has a girlfriend, keeps trying to sleep with me and when I told my bf he said he didn't want to know.

Anyway, I met up with some of his friends unexpectantly and his female friend put her cigarettes in his top pocket and kept coming over and taking them out when she wanted to smoke. She was grinding up and down his leg. Normally I wouldn't say anything but my bf's brother was there and told me that her behaviour was out of order. I asked him to take the cigarettes out of his pocket and stop flirting with her and he said no. I took them out and threw them on the floor and left.

He called me the next day and had a go at me for upsetting his friend who had left. He said he was going to her place that night to apologise for my behaviour and make sure she's alright. He said I shouldn't have upset her.

He's always making snide remarks and putting me down. He doesn't want to see me but when I say that we should finish the relationship, he doesn't want to. When I go out with him, he just leaves me by myself all night and talks to his friends. We went away for a weekend with his brother and his gf, my boyfriend who I hadn't seen all week, spent all of Saturday we were away with friends he had arranged to meet with and then invited them to the pub later while I was there.

Whenever I try to speak to him about his behaviour he doesn't say anything. He just stares at me and nothing changes. I didn't phone him for two weeks after our last conversation about the relationship and he didn't call or try to see me.

We used to work in the same building (we were temping) and over the three months we were together, we met for lunch once and never met after work. I never see him on weekends as he's out with his friends. I'm now really upset because his friends have organised a Christmas do they've hired a room in a pub and my bf is taking his female friend, not me. She has a bf of five years and lives with him, and all his friends know about me so I don't understand what he's doing.

He makes fun of everything I like, music, films etc so I don't talk about that with him anymore. We eat what he likes, watch what he likes or he doesn't want to go. He only wants to see me on Thursdays and saves the weekends for his friends. Last Thursday he said he was going to the cinema and would stay at mine. I said Ok see you when the film finishes which was five minutes up the road. He turned up at 12am when I was in bed and when I had a go at him, asked me if I wanted him to leave which I didn't as we hadn't seen each other all week.

I took him away for Valentines and paid for it all, hotel, meal etc and he wanted to play on slot machines all night. When I said that we could go back to the hotel as it was Valentines he wasn't interested. We went for a walk along the beach and he pushed me into the water and I was soaked. When we got back to the hotel he tried to have sex with me in the poslition I don't like and when I refused, didn't want to sleep with me. I can't seem to do anything to please him or make him happy, he was in a bad mood all weekend.

One of his friends' girlfriend's asked me to come for her birthday and I went, even though I didn't have much money. No one spoke to me all night even though my boyfriend was there. At the end of the night my bf asked me to wait for him while he went to the toilet so I did but wanted to go myself and when I came out he was gone. I looked everywhere for him but he and all his friends were gone. He just left me at the pub. I went home and he turned up later at my place.

He rushes me everywhere. We're walking down the street and he's telling me to hurry up. We eat something and as soon as he's finished eating, he gets up to leave even though I haven't finished. Once I was walking down the street and I turned to look at something and a man walked full force into me, I was doubled over and couldn't breathe as I was completely winded and my boyfriend said, ;Why don't you look where you're fucking going?' Another time I took the bus to meet him on a Friday, I was going from London to Liverpool and called him when I got there. He told me to wait in a specific place and I had never been there before so wasn't sure where it was. I had been on the bus for hours to see him and he pulled up in the car didn't say hello he just said, 'You're waiting on the wrong side of the fucking road, get in.'

There's loads more that he's done and I feel so sad and hurt that he treats me like this. Do you know why he's like this and what I can do to change it?

OP posts:
Witchofzog · 26/12/2019 14:18

Could his brother be an ally op? You have mentioned him twice and both times he seems like he has a good idea of right from wrong. If anyone knows what your dp is really like and what is going on, it sounds like it would be him.

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 26/12/2019 14:28

This thread has really upset me OP. To think of you being treated like this and spending all this time and energy trying to work out why. instead you should be healing yourself and getting counselling and blocking him, it's just heartbreaking. OP I really hope you make the right choice to leave him and do it soon, before you become another statistic

SusieOwl4 · 26/12/2019 14:34

You ask why he does not finish with you ? He will when it’s suits him .

There is only one thing you are doing wrong , and that is staying with him .

You need to be on your own for a while and learn to love yourself again and get some self respect . And stop worrying about what everyone else thinks about him .

madcatladyforever · 26/12/2019 14:36

I'm getting pissed off with you OP, you are being ridiculous. Excuse after excuse for him and quite honestly very needy with the incessant self blame. Use some common sense.
Normal people do not behave like your boyfriend. Normal people do not try and destroy other people. He is clearly not into you.
So what if everyone likes him, most of the paedophiles in the prison I worked in were very well respected and liked outside prison and were pillars of the community before they were found out.
Most people I know think my violent and abusive first husband was a "good bloke" because they didn't have to live with him or put up with being punched.
Grow a back bone and leave this bastard, he is a prick.
.

ChippyPickledEggs · 26/12/2019 15:04

Your boyfriend is just a garden variety domestic abuser, OP. He would treat any partner he had in the same way. It isn't anything you've done.

There's an awful lot of victim blaming on this thread. Domestic abuse is the fault of the perpetrator, not the victim. You are not the architect of your own misery - he is.

You might understand his behaviour better if you read some good books on domestic abuse. Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft would be a good start. Many many many posters on here have told you exactly why he does that. He treats you how he does because he wishes to maintain power and control over you.

When he contacts you and tries to reel you back in when you finish with him?
When he tells ridiculous lies about having been in the pub all night?
When he physically hurts you?
When he withdraws and won't see you?
When he mocks your interests?
When he won't engage and stares into space when you try to hold him to account?

All of these behaviours are designed to maintain power and control over you. None of them mean that he loves or cares about you. There is no need to keep asking why.

SandAndSea · 26/12/2019 15:05

If he doesn't like me then why not finish the relationship? We have no children or other commitments. We don't live together, don't share any finances and aren't married.

I'm going to throw this back at you, OP. He sounds extremely unpleasant and very unlikeable. Do you like him? I'm guessing not. Not really. So, why don't you end it with him? (The question is for you to ponder; no need to answer it here unless you want to.)

A couple more things to think about:

I think that when a person grows up with abuse, this becomes normal and, to some extent, comfortable. So behaviours which would repel someone else, are normal to you.

People who grow up with abuse also spend a lot of time focussing outwards, on the abusive people. You have been trained away from focusing on your own feelings, needs and wants.

ferrier · 26/12/2019 15:13

Why don't you leave him op?

Windmillwhirl · 26/12/2019 16:21

How sad that you don't think you deserve better than this. Love yourself and get away from this abusive cretin. Do you really think he cares about you?

Coyoacan · 26/12/2019 17:34

I also want to add that there is no way your personality can flourish in this environment. When you are always second guessing yourself, you cannot be spontaneous. Love yourself OP and keep away from people who bring no value to your life.

deepwatersolo · 26/12/2019 18:54

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1WayOrAnother · 26/12/2019 18:59

OP I mean this kindly- you have to grow a backbone. Listen to the advice on this thread about leaving him. Make 2020 the year you engage is self development. You need to value yourself and stop engaging in such shit relationships. Good luck Flowers

SoleBizzz · 26/12/2019 19:23

You are estranged from your family. Are they abusive?

Coyoacan · 26/12/2019 23:32

SoleBizzz

The OP says that her family treated her very much as her bf does.

SnowyUnicorns · 27/12/2019 04:27

OP you sound like a lovely, caring young person who is being utterly worn down by this arsehole and his mates.

He will never change. He has no respect or consideration for anyone. His behaviour at his dad's birthday meal showed you exactly what you will have as your life if you choose to stay with him.

From what you have said, you don't even particularly like most of his behaviour and he certainly can't think much of you or he wouldn't behave like this.

As others have said, I think you need to do the Freedom Program. Please dump and block this nasty bastard now. The worst thing that could happen to you would be falling pregnant by him or marrying him because you would then never get away from him.

Do you see yourself living like this in 5 or 10 years time? Being with someone who puts his friends before you? Who doesn't want to include you with anything he finds fun? Who cuts you out at times like Christmas to do what suits him and not actually treating you like a proper girlfriend?

This isn't a normal way to live. It isn't a healthy relationship. This sort of person cannot change because they never accept that they are in the wrong.

Get yourself away from him and start trying to build a new social circle with people who are actually nice to you. One day you will meet someone who loves you as you are, treats you well and wants to include you in his life. You deserve so much better than this.

supercali77 · 27/12/2019 07:34

OP this is the playbook of a narcissist. It seems baffling but they get panicky if you decide to leave them. They get a severe ego bruising from it. I have literally had this happen. Ignore them, try to leave and the original man you met comes back for a little bit. Then they revert back to being a fuckwit. It makes no sense at all to the average person. They also tend to be well liked people in social situations, in anything superficial really, but in intimate relationships they are abusers. Intimate relationships are worlds apart from friendships and people operate differently in them. It literally doesnt matter whether everyone and his dog thinks hes mr nice. You do not. You feel like shit. He treats you like shit. You dont need consensus agreement on your own experience! This isnt a committee situation.

Mintjulia · 27/12/2019 07:45

Op, he’s using you for fun. He can treat you badly and then have a good laugh about it with his mates. The longer you stay, the more of a joke it is.
If he has your family fooled then that’s even more of a joke.
You need to leave, stay away and put as much distance between you and him as you can.
Make 2020 the year you move away. Find yourself some new friends who are kind and respectful x

AzraiL · 27/12/2019 07:51

Instead of asking why you're like this you need to ask why you're still with him, OP.

AzraiL · 27/12/2019 07:52

asking why HE'S like this - sorry.

Oliversmumsarmy · 27/12/2019 11:43

One of my friends was in an abusive marriage for 20 years.

She has huge health problems caused by her stbexh attacking her.

Their divorce is being prolonged by him because he doesn’t want to let her go.

She is into year 3 and no one seems to be able to move everything forward.

When she told me of the abuse before she got married I was astounded that she married him.

I might be wrong but do you live in a relatively close knit type community.
Where you go to the same places drink at the same pubs, go clubbing in the same town

If you do I can understand how leaving is so hard but it is something you have to do for your own physical and mental health.

My friend didn’t leave and is so physically disabled that she will never work again and has only her disability to live on.

In a pp I did say about leaving the area you are in.

It isn’t doing you any good

You can pick up work and get a flat somewhere else with a little more planning

Then just go.

No one needs to know where you are.

Having done something myself you cannot believe the freedom and elation you feel when you finally leave.

You can make proper friends.

Friends who are nice to you not nasty

How many friends do you have atm that talk to you and want the best for you and see this guy for the nasty manipulative scum bag he is

boyfriendproblem · 27/12/2019 12:18

I just want to thank those who have reached out to me and taken the time to give advice.

I'm surprised at everyone saying the same thing and no one telling me that it's my fault because everyone I know is blaming me or making out that it's me that's the problem.

It's very difficult for me to find my way through this as I have no support at all. I met my boyfriend at university and most of my friends moved away or have gone travelling. I am surrounded by people who don't seem to like me very much.

I also feel obsessed with the relationship and it's all I can think about. I'm paying off debt and can't afford therapy and my GP told me the waiting list for therapy is very long. I'm waking up two or three times in the night with terrible panic attacks (at first I thought there was something wrong with my heart) where I feel like I'm going to die.

I'm also afraid to go outside and lost a couple of temping jobs because I didn't want to go to work. My flatmate is unsupportive and calling me lazy but I have a panic attack when I approach the door.

I know there's no future in the relationship because he told me that he doesn't want us to live together as it would mean he couldn't go out with his friends. I don't understand why he thinks that but I didn't bother to argue and there's no future in it. I'm just finding it very hard to let go as though I need to prove myself to him and then he'd know I am worth it.

I did suggest relationship counselling but he doesn't want to do that. I do stand up for myself, I already said that I refuse to go out with his friends because of the way they treat me. He also expects me to go to his all the time and doesn't come to my place but I'm not doing that anymore either and haven't for a few months, I told him that it takes too long for me to get to work as he lives quite far but, really it's because I want him to make an effort to see me, but he doesn't.

He does things on purpose to annoy me as well. I don't like my hair tucked behind my ears, he knows that and when I'm talking to him, tucks my hair behind my ear and laughs when I get annoyed. He knows I hate football and recently, when we drove to see his parents who live over four hours away, played football matches continuously on the radio for the whole time knowing how annoying that is to me.

He seems to like winding me up. I wouldn't let him hit me. The physical stuff he's done is, as I've already said, 'accidental'. I don't know if he did let go on purpose onto the concrete as it could have been an accident. He seems very angry with me for not doing what he wants.

It's very hard because I don't have any support at all, whatsoever from anyone. It's very hard not to believe what everyone around you is telling you and to not see yourself as a bad and shameful person that everyone is right to despise when that is what is reflected back at you every day for years.

My bf asked me to come to his work Christmas do, he didn't introduce me to anyone he works with and went off with a female colleague all night, leaving me at the table by myself. We were waiting for a night bus on the way home and it was freezing and a woman started getting upset with the way he was talking to me. Her boyfriend held her back from coming over, I could see it happening while my bf was having a go at me at the bus stop. It's good to see that I am right, that he is nasty to me and it's not because I'm a bad person or she wouldn't have been upset. We waited over an hour for the bus and one of his friends turned up, my bf held me back from getting on the bus as he wanted to talk to him so we missed it and had to wait for the next one. So we were out in the freezing cold till 4am and didn't get back till 6am.

I know I need to split up with him, it's just difficult to do it by myself and he keeps telling me that it's my fault. He treats me like I'm diseased or something and his friends are right to ignore me. That he is putting up with me and no one else would. I am pulling away from him but when I do, he seems to like me again. Like I said, I'm really confused and can't seem to get away from him. It's like an addiction.

OP posts:
midep · 27/12/2019 12:27

This is just terrible OP.

I feel like the woman at the bus stop, only I'm not sure anyone could have held me back.

category12 · 27/12/2019 12:31

That's intermittent reinforcement and push/pull. It has an addictive effect on the victim. If you do some reading about the psychology of it all, you might find it useful. What you feel isn't love, it's traumatic bonding.

You can work your way free of him.

Coyoacan · 27/12/2019 12:45

Don't go to relationship counselling with him, it is definitely not recommended when there is abuse. He is charming and will take in the counsellor. That happened to my daughter to the point that the counsellor asked her what she'd done to provoke her ex into attacking her.

If you can't afford therapy, the Freedom Programme is free or almost free and it is a good starting point.

SunsetBoulevard3 · 27/12/2019 12:56

Your boyfriend is an abusive bastard. You really really need to put yourself above this man and your unpleasant friends.

FGSJoanWhatsWrongWithYou · 27/12/2019 13:01

Maybe you need a slightly different way to think about it.

Clearly you are fixated on this idea of you being at fault and you needing to prove you are not an awful person, hence not splitting up with him. I believe this is wrong thinking on your part but you are obviously not seeing it yourself.

Think of it as bringing out the worst in each other

You know how sometimes two people can bring out the best in each other and two other people can bring out the worst in each other? Well, you two bring out the worst in each other. That's your line for splitting up both to the outside world and in your own head. Maybe you are both lovely really but together you bring out the worst in each other so you can't be together.

If I were you I would move at least 100 miles away to some other town and start afresh away from him away from your family. Do the Freedom Programme too.