Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why is he like this?

232 replies

boyfriendproblem · 24/12/2019 15:05

I'm 26, the same age as my boyfriend and we have been together just over two years. I don't understand why he behaves the way he does.

He doesn't want to have sex with me, says it's for different reasons, once he told me it's because I smell. I don't like doing a certain position because it hurts and he then said it's because I don't want to do that. I said, 'So you don't want to have sex with me because I don't want to do one sexual position?' and he said, 'Yes.'

He has a friend a female friend he knew before me. We rarely go out because he wants to only go out with his friends and they don't talk to me when I meet them. I say hello and they all ignore me even their girlfriends who I don't even know. One of his friends, who has a girlfriend, keeps trying to sleep with me and when I told my bf he said he didn't want to know.

Anyway, I met up with some of his friends unexpectantly and his female friend put her cigarettes in his top pocket and kept coming over and taking them out when she wanted to smoke. She was grinding up and down his leg. Normally I wouldn't say anything but my bf's brother was there and told me that her behaviour was out of order. I asked him to take the cigarettes out of his pocket and stop flirting with her and he said no. I took them out and threw them on the floor and left.

He called me the next day and had a go at me for upsetting his friend who had left. He said he was going to her place that night to apologise for my behaviour and make sure she's alright. He said I shouldn't have upset her.

He's always making snide remarks and putting me down. He doesn't want to see me but when I say that we should finish the relationship, he doesn't want to. When I go out with him, he just leaves me by myself all night and talks to his friends. We went away for a weekend with his brother and his gf, my boyfriend who I hadn't seen all week, spent all of Saturday we were away with friends he had arranged to meet with and then invited them to the pub later while I was there.

Whenever I try to speak to him about his behaviour he doesn't say anything. He just stares at me and nothing changes. I didn't phone him for two weeks after our last conversation about the relationship and he didn't call or try to see me.

We used to work in the same building (we were temping) and over the three months we were together, we met for lunch once and never met after work. I never see him on weekends as he's out with his friends. I'm now really upset because his friends have organised a Christmas do they've hired a room in a pub and my bf is taking his female friend, not me. She has a bf of five years and lives with him, and all his friends know about me so I don't understand what he's doing.

He makes fun of everything I like, music, films etc so I don't talk about that with him anymore. We eat what he likes, watch what he likes or he doesn't want to go. He only wants to see me on Thursdays and saves the weekends for his friends. Last Thursday he said he was going to the cinema and would stay at mine. I said Ok see you when the film finishes which was five minutes up the road. He turned up at 12am when I was in bed and when I had a go at him, asked me if I wanted him to leave which I didn't as we hadn't seen each other all week.

I took him away for Valentines and paid for it all, hotel, meal etc and he wanted to play on slot machines all night. When I said that we could go back to the hotel as it was Valentines he wasn't interested. We went for a walk along the beach and he pushed me into the water and I was soaked. When we got back to the hotel he tried to have sex with me in the poslition I don't like and when I refused, didn't want to sleep with me. I can't seem to do anything to please him or make him happy, he was in a bad mood all weekend.

One of his friends' girlfriend's asked me to come for her birthday and I went, even though I didn't have much money. No one spoke to me all night even though my boyfriend was there. At the end of the night my bf asked me to wait for him while he went to the toilet so I did but wanted to go myself and when I came out he was gone. I looked everywhere for him but he and all his friends were gone. He just left me at the pub. I went home and he turned up later at my place.

He rushes me everywhere. We're walking down the street and he's telling me to hurry up. We eat something and as soon as he's finished eating, he gets up to leave even though I haven't finished. Once I was walking down the street and I turned to look at something and a man walked full force into me, I was doubled over and couldn't breathe as I was completely winded and my boyfriend said, ;Why don't you look where you're fucking going?' Another time I took the bus to meet him on a Friday, I was going from London to Liverpool and called him when I got there. He told me to wait in a specific place and I had never been there before so wasn't sure where it was. I had been on the bus for hours to see him and he pulled up in the car didn't say hello he just said, 'You're waiting on the wrong side of the fucking road, get in.'

There's loads more that he's done and I feel so sad and hurt that he treats me like this. Do you know why he's like this and what I can do to change it?

OP posts:
MarianaMoatedGrange · 27/12/2019 13:23

Please please plan for 2020 to be the year you set yourself free of this addiction to your bully. That's all he is. A bully. Let him get his twisted kicks elsewhere

Do the freedom programme, work on yourself and what YOU want. Stop being the supply for the narc you are currently obsessed with.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 27/12/2019 13:34

I can see how it's difficult to dump and block him when you have no support.

Here are two sources of support I found invaluable when I left my narcissistic XH:

  1. The Freedom Programme. We met once a week, about ten women. We discussed relationships, we listened to and valued each other. Some FP groups decide on a rule that they won't acknowledge each other in public, if they feel it would cause trouble with their abusers, but every group is different and maybe there'd be someone who would value a new friend to provide some support to each other? It meets for twelve weeks and I found it quite gruelling emotionally, and yet it was the highlight of my week. I still think of the road leading back from where we met as my freedom road!
  1. Women's Aid. I asked for a support worker, and wondered at times whether I should've done because the practical advice she offered I didn't really need. What I did need, though, was to meet with somebody who listened to me, valued my feelings and my decisions. She helped me look at my XH's behaviour in a different way.

Maybe either or both of those would be worth looking into? You'll have noticed a lot of people recommending the FP. I think meeting new people who don't have the disordered thinking of your current set of acquaintances would be particularly valuable.

I do hope 2020 will be a fresh start for you.

PlasticPatty · 27/12/2019 13:51

Waaaagh!
I can't cope with this.

  1. Leave the bloke. Dump him. Block him. If you have to, move away. Have nothing more to do with him, ever. Your life will start to improve immediately.
  2. Get therapy. If there's a waiting list, get on it. You need help and it is truly available and effective. You can be whole, feel secure in yourself, not need users like him. Go for it. You're young. There's a wonderful life ahead if you work on it. I spent ten years in various kinds of therapy. It was worth the anguish. It really was.
  3. Do not believe anyone's judgment but your own. It doesn't matter what he thinks or what your family think - what does @boyfriendproblem think? She's the one who gets to say in your life. You. It's yours. Your life, your decision, your choice.
Oliversmumsarmy · 27/12/2019 13:54

He seems to like winding me up. I wouldn't let him hit me. The physical stuff he's done is, as I've already said, 'accidental'. I don't know if he did let go on purpose onto the concrete as it could have been an accident. He seems very angry with me for not doing what he wants

My friends abusive ex has never raised a hand to her but he has put her in a wheelchair. Accidentally.
He has disabled her so badly that she is brain damaged and will never hold down a job again Accidentally

Just because someone has never hit you doesn’t mean they can’t injure you.

Your relationship has some echos of friends relationship.

My friend looks back at her life and wishes she had left 20 years before. She feels her life has been wasted.

It might not be what you think will happen but neither did she.

You have an obsession with this guy

You don’t love him, you don’t have a relationship with him

You have an obsession.

Once you are free of him you will find other problems disappear.

deepwatersolo · 27/12/2019 16:22

I got deleted before, and I get it, I got very impatient with OPs apparent fixation on being 'the guilty party'. But I do think the essence of what I said might be helpful for OP:

OP, have you ever looked into 'attachment styles' (see link)?

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults

To me it very much sounds like this guy has a dismissive-avoidant attachment style (self esteem: positive, thoughts about others/partner: negative). And from your description your attachment style to me comes across as anxious-preoccupied (self esteem: negative, thoughts about others/partner: positive).

That might explain, why you appear so wedded to the notion that it is not his fault but somehow yours. As for what others think: for one, they are his friends, there is a general tendency of people to side with their friend over a person they hardly know and only know through him. (Also, if he indeed has a positive self-image while you question and doubt yourself, people tend to go along with the people convinced of themselves).

In any case, it is hard work to overcome one's own attachment style (which is usually learned in childhood). It takes self-awareness and ideally therapeutic assistance. It is impossible to change another person's attachment style. You can't do anything about it.

So, long story short, I believe your initial question 'why is he like that?' can be answered by 'because he has an unhealthy attachment style and that is nothing you can change.'

Take care of yourself, OP, forget him and work on your own healing.

Luckingfovely · 27/12/2019 20:19

I just wanted to reinforce this very important point:
*
Once you are free of him you will find other problems disappear*

He is the root of everything that is wrong with your life and your mental health. Nothing, absolutely nothing, is going to get better or change until you break away from him.

Redruby25 · 27/12/2019 20:27

Sorry I read enough to not have to read right until the end, how the hell did you end up with this guy? You know that saying 'if I knew then what I know now' well this is one of those situations where you don't wait for the future, before you are too stuck with him. I say this all the time with my sons father, as there were things that were wrong and that I didn't like, and I still pursued a relationship, and don't get me wrong, we've had some good years, but lots of other stuff that if I was in your position again, where we were just bf and gf, I would run for the hills!

Just because when you go to end things, he doesn't want you to, does not mean a thing. That is someone keeping you hanging. Also the fact that he doesn't meet you in the evenings or weekends etc says a lot, is he seeing someone else? When a man who is supposedly seeing you is not around much and not bothered by sex, either they have gone off of you or doing it elsewhere I'm sorry to say, that is certainly the case in mine and many I know, experiences!

Please enjoy your life and meet someone when you have healed who is ready to be s proper bf, all the best.x

Oliversmumsarmy · 28/12/2019 00:43

deepwatersolo

I am going to show that to my friend.

I was trying to describe the parallel between my friend and her bf before they married and boyfriendproblem and her bf

My friend is living proof of what happens 20 years down the line of boyfriendproblem continues with this guy.

If my friend was on MN she would say run away as fast as you can and put distance between you and him. Do not get to 40+ and be so disabled that you can never work again, that you can’t ever walk down the street again, that you can’t just live your life free of pain ever again.
And you have been subject to abuse every single day of your marriage.

Yet friends stbexh despite all protestations to the court that he just wants to divorce my friend he does everything in his power to remain married. He won’t let her go.

Does that sound like your bf? He won’t let you go.

fastliving · 28/12/2019 02:41

God he's so horrible, how can you bear it?
You're a stronger woman than me, I would have killed him by now!

fastliving · 28/12/2019 02:41

Bare!

NightsOfCabiria · 28/12/2019 03:09

This is one of the worst things Ive ever read on Mumsnet.

OP, your continued history of being abused has you doubting your every thought.

For your own safety and sanity:

  1. Go ‘no contact’ with your boyfriend after finishing with him.
  1. Go ‘no contact’ with his friends.
  1. Remain ‘no contact’ with your family.
  1. See your GP about your anxiety and panic attacks.
  1. Do ‘The Freedom Program’
  1. Start to re-build your life by surrounding yourself with kind people.

Good Luck.

DeeCeeCherry · 28/12/2019 03:16

He's like this because he doesn't like you. Just wants occasional sex, and to get off on humiliating somebody who let's him.

He's repulsive. & just not that into you. Get rid, and take time to do some work on your self-esteem.

Tashface · 28/12/2019 03:34

OP, could I ask what you get out of this relationship? Are there any ways in which he enriches your life?

Seahorseshoe · 28/12/2019 04:48

YOU need to finish this relationship. It's toxic and you will never be happy with him.

For goodness sake make sure you don't have a child with him, or you'll be stuck with him and his games for the rest of your life.

There are nice blokes out there, who will treat you well. This isn't normal.

Ps. Your parents sound absolutely horrible. What a sad way to grow up. Wishing you a happy future, but YOU have got to do something about this horrible bloke.

Dieu · 28/12/2019 04:52

Why oh why would anyone put up with this? Please stop being a doormat and dump his ass for good.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 28/12/2019 08:52

I am surrounded by people who don't seem to like me very much.

This is a problem, but it's also a chance to work on your boundaries. Remember what pp have said: if someone acts in a way you don't like after you've said you don't like it, you walk away. You find better, kinder people to fill your life.

So don't spend any more time with your bf's friends. They add nothing to your life.

Now comes the tricky bit: dump and block your bf. The blocking is essential! If he turns up at your house, tell him to go away. If he doesn't, call the police because it's then harassment.

I also feel obsessed with the relationship and it's all I can think about.

Allow yourself certain times of day where you can think about him and wallow a bit. Also think about how your ideal bf would behave. (Do the FP! That'll help with ideas for that. It's quite wonderful how nice people can treat you - and you deserve it just as much as I or anyone else. Although I think a few years being single would be very good for you. Develop friendships with nice people. Make sure they're two way: your friends are nice to you as well as you're nice to them.) Where was I? Oh yes, then put away the thoughts about him and dream about your future. Make plans to get out of debt. Think about small ways to treat yourself well. Honestly, OP, I had six years of being single and it was a great time for discovering small things about myself, developing my confidence, building my self-esteem and ability to stand up for myself. These days I would tell my flatmate in your position, "You're wrong and you're being insensitive!" And then give her no further thought, because you can't change people and not all people are nice.

Anyway, I'm a lot older than you and this is hard-lived experience. I was quite like you at your age: treated badly and putting up with it for much the same reasons. It took years of marriage and four kids who I'm still raising before I decided to stand up for myself. But my XH wasn't as dangerous as your bf is. I was lucky with that; it says nothing about us, how badly we are treated.

I'm just finding it very hard to let go as though I need to prove myself to him and then he'd know I am worth it.

You'll never prove it to him. Prove it to the one who matters instead: yourself. Decide whether you want 2020 to be your fresh start, it if you want to risk it being the year that one of the "accidents" really hurts you?

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 28/12/2019 08:55

That should say "or if"!

One more thing and then I'll shut up for a bit: once this guy is out of your life, the panic attacks will go. Imagine life without them!

simplekindoflife · 28/12/2019 09:15

I wouldn't let him hit me.

Not yet, you wouldn't. But he's carefully wearing you down, destroying your confidence, turning everyone against you and making you question your own sanity until it'll get to a point where you're so worn down, you won't know what's right from wrong.

Read the boiled frog theory. Don't let him turn up the heat anymore - get out of there!

SimplySteveRedux · 28/12/2019 10:03

He's done a massive number on your self-esteem and self-worth hasn't he? Moulding your relationship into something he has full control of. I think you're entrenched in the Fear, Obligation, Guilt triad (https://outofthefog.website) will open your eyes. Oh, I'm very sorry but he's screwing this other woman ThanksThanksThanks

Mrsmummy90 · 28/12/2019 10:14

There's nothing you can do to change it. It's who he is.
Leave him and go be done one that actually cares about you.
Maybe get some counselling to find out why you put up with being treated like this.

Mrsmummy90 · 28/12/2019 10:22
  • With someone
funnylittlefloozie · 28/12/2019 10:28

I'm going to join in the chorus of people saying that YOU are not at fault here, but your BF is a nasty abusive unkind loser. The other people around you dont seem to be very nice either.

Maybe spend a bit of time over the next few days thinking about how you could change things next year. You can look for a new job, a permanent one. You could take up two new hobbies - one indoors and one outdoors. You could get a second job, which would give you a bit more money and give you a new social circle. Most importantly, you can summon up the resolve to get away from that man, dont contact him, and get his hateful sneery voice out of your head.

Legoandloldolls · 28/12/2019 10:35

There are so many nice men out there. Honestly. Nicer friends too.

All the time you fill up your life with shitty people theres no room for anyone nice. Declutter the nasty people. Focus on yourself and then you fill life with nicer people.

He sounds utterly vile. Can you picture what a healthy relationship should be like? Does he measure up in any way? Now imagine being with someone who can.

That will never be unless you make room for it and ditch the junk

MrsAJ27 · 28/12/2019 11:13

This is so sad to read, you need to speak to someone in real life so that you can get some support.

You know he is horrible and controlling and you get nothing from this relationship.

Block him and move on, also still put your name on the GP waiting list for counselling as it will help you.

Princessfaffalot · 28/12/2019 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Swipe left for the next trending thread