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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I choose?

227 replies

PotatoBanana · 22/12/2019 17:47

So I am planning to move in with my beloved whom I love with all my heart. It's not a simple move as I am crossing countries and leaving all my family behind to be with him.

The thing is, I have a cat. I love this cat like a child. I am an extreme animal lover.
BUT I got this cat when I was with my ex (he wasn't my ex's cat) and my beloved doesn't want me to bring this cat with me because it brings up a lot of bad memories and thoughts of my past relationship which are extremely hard for him to deal with.

I really have no idea what to do because with the status of my work/distance etc, if I do not move with my bf now, it's likely I will end up breaking up with him. Which destroys me because I really feel like he is the one for me. BUT my cat is also everything to me and parting with her hurts me.

What do I do?

OP posts:
isseywith4vampirecats · 23/12/2019 21:54

I wont go into long details but me an intelligent independent woman let my ex do lots of this to me, moved towns and bit by bit he isolated me till I blew one day and we moved back to near my family, in the end he cheated on me and though it slaughtered me at the time he did me a big favour as my partner now is so far from him and loves the fact im intelligent and independent thinking

isseywith4vampirecats · 23/12/2019 21:55

and it was a slow drip drip one thing at a time

MountainPeakGeek · 23/12/2019 22:33

OP - you said something along the lines of: "He's not controlling and abusive - he's just insecure."

Those things are not mutually exclusive you know!! He is absolutely controlling you and being abusive. The cause of this might well be his insecurity, but that doesn't make it excusable, in any way less harmful, or at all normal.

You are clearly blind to what everyone else sees right away from reading your posts. It's not that we "don't understand him." It's that you're making excuses for him because he's (possibly) not quite as bad as your last partner. He's still very bad news. You need to raise your standards of what is acceptable. You are making a huge mistake. Your poor cat... Sad

Appreciateyourthoughts · 23/12/2019 23:43

Crying because you've had a previous relationship......

You love, have a master manipulator on your hands!!! Tread carefully.

BanSprouts · 26/12/2019 12:31

I'd keep the cat! If he loves you then he wouldn't want to make you miserable by expecting you to rehome a much loved pet. They aren't objects to just disgard. I think he needs to grow up

cakeandchampagne · 26/12/2019 12:35

Keep the cat & keep your own home.

olivehater · 26/12/2019 12:45

At first I was going to come on to say always choose people over animals. Mumsnet is a bit bonkers over animals. Animals do not have feelings. Don’t ruin your life over an animal. But having read a bit more I would agree with everyone and say run like the wind from this relationship.

emilybrontescorsett · 26/12/2019 12:47

He is controlling.
Do not move in with him.
Your boundaries are too low.
Keep your beloved cat.
Bin him off.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 26/12/2019 12:53

Animals do not have feelings.

Of course they do! What a stupid and ignorant thing to say. Animals can feel happy, content, safe, affection; they can also feel the opposite.

Whilst you're educating yourself, look up the meaning of 'sentient'.

SummerintoAutumn · 26/12/2019 14:11

He sounds a bit scary.

olivehater · 26/12/2019 14:15

Yes and they can feel all that with another owner. I am someone who has taken on an older cat and it really doesn’t take long for a cat to be happy with their new owner. If your cat has to be rehomed it will be very “happy” in no time if you make sure it will go to a good home.

Like I said Mumsnet is a bit bonkers over putting animals first before people and projecting human feelings onto them.

But l also I said, from reading the rest of your post, it is probably not a good idea anyway.

BaolFan · 26/12/2019 18:11

Team cat here.

Darling, it's not normal for a grown man to sit and cry because you had relationships prior to him.

He wants you to leave the cat behind because he's trying to pretend that you didn't know anyone before him. He doesn't want a daily reminder of the fact that you're not the innocent virgin that he's pretending you are.

Dump him, keep the cat. Pets are for life and any decent partner will respect that.

marriedwithhounds · 26/12/2019 19:15

He sounds fucking awful. Please don't abandon your cat for him. Please continue to love and look after your cat. Please don't commit to this man.

holidayhelpp · 27/12/2019 13:29

He’s got you right where he wants you

SnowyUnicorns · 27/12/2019 14:57

I love dogs. I'm not a cat person.

Keep the damn cat and get another kitten as well!!

ToTravelIsToLive · 27/12/2019 20:18

What is he giving up in all this? Seems your potentially going to make a lot of sacrifices to be with someone who gets jealous of a cat. You don't want to believe your in another abusive relationship but you are. I hope you acknowledge it before you sacrifice everything.

Redruby25 · 27/12/2019 20:37

I'm sorry some might say it's only a cat, but I think would you abandon a baby, I would hope the answer would be no, a cat is a real
living animal and deserves a good life as well, if it is your beloved cat, then you do what you have to, to keep him/her. If your partner has issues with the cat because of your ex then that says a lot!

Redruby25 · 27/12/2019 20:40

Sorry wanted to add, if the cat brings up bad memories of your ex, and your current partner finds that difficult, how will he deal with you then, as you are your exes ex! So will you bring back bad memories that your new partner finds difficult?! It could be that he thinks his reasons are justified, but you don't know if this is the start of things to come, what else will he be asking if you in the future?!

BercowsFestiveFlamingo · 27/12/2019 20:56

Stop wasting your time everyone. OP has deregged.

MostTacticalNameChange · 27/12/2019 21:10

Oh my god, I had an ex when I was younger who would regularly pull over into a lay by when we were going somewhere to cry because of "my past". There was absolutely nothing wrong or extraordinary with my past, just normal exes and a ons.

I had to repeatedly apologise and I felt so guilty and dirty.

Do not waste a second indulging his idiotic insecurities and apologising for who you were when he got with you. That includes you being a cat owner!

serialnc · 27/12/2019 21:14

What if it was a child? Not a cat?

Elieza · 27/12/2019 21:16

Team cat.

Wonder if your vajayjay reminds him of your past, after all there was a man in there presumably before him so he could be reminded of that and upset the poor wee soul.

Or if your hairstyle may be reminding him of you back then as it’s the same hairstyle.

Or anything else....

EL2019 · 27/12/2019 21:18

I hope he’s buying a brand new house with brand new furniture for you to move into so that nothing in your new home is tainted by HIS previous relationships.

I’m in agreement. Keep the cat. Ditch the controlling guy.

simplekindoflife · 27/12/2019 21:22

This isn't about a cat. It's about ultimatums and control and selfish spiteful twatishness.

Unless he's allergic, I'd see this as a massive red flag.

You say you've been in abusive relationships before. Please be sure about this man before you make such a big move Sad

StrawberryDreamX · 27/12/2019 22:04

Keep the cat, ditch the controlling, abusive, jealous OH. His request is ridiculous and is a massive red flag.

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