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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I choose?

227 replies

PotatoBanana · 22/12/2019 17:47

So I am planning to move in with my beloved whom I love with all my heart. It's not a simple move as I am crossing countries and leaving all my family behind to be with him.

The thing is, I have a cat. I love this cat like a child. I am an extreme animal lover.
BUT I got this cat when I was with my ex (he wasn't my ex's cat) and my beloved doesn't want me to bring this cat with me because it brings up a lot of bad memories and thoughts of my past relationship which are extremely hard for him to deal with.

I really have no idea what to do because with the status of my work/distance etc, if I do not move with my bf now, it's likely I will end up breaking up with him. Which destroys me because I really feel like he is the one for me. BUT my cat is also everything to me and parting with her hurts me.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Haffiana · 22/12/2019 21:14

Are you one of those people who are desperate to play nurse?

Wishing to help others by subsuming your own needs and desires is a very, very unhealthy and dangerous place to be in. Particularly so because it feels so tempting to people who are extremely insecure, to become a carer to the damaged and to feel valued that way.

When someone like your boyfriend has a psychological disorder like this even if by a slim chance it is just a pathological insecurity and not a whole host of other personality deficiencies, then you are not going to 'cure' him by trying to be the sort of person that you think he needs.

Even if you 'love' him - which you don't incidentally, you are just enjoying becoming codependant because you are in love with your role and importance in his damaged life - then you still need to be grown up enough to understand that he needs proper professional help and stop trying to be a sticking plaster across his gaping wound.

OP, what has your upbringing been that you can consider moving to live with a man who has absolutely NO regard for your happiness and who has no wish at all to please you?

Anotheronetwo · 22/12/2019 21:35

I am very religious and don't like cats. I'm still team keep the cat and don't move.

Needsomebottle · 22/12/2019 22:15

7 pages of people saying choose the cat.

I'm pretty sure if you move to be with him and isolate yourself from everyone you know, and your cat, he will stop "working on" these issues and become an even bigger abusive knob.

It's rare to see an absolutely unanimous decision on here. There's usually someone who plays devils advocate or throws in an alternative viewpoint. Please take the advice.

Team Cat all the way.

SusieOwl4 · 22/12/2019 23:00

It’s nothing to do with the cat , it’s about an unhealthy attitude to your past . Red flags . Your partner needs to grow up .

StripyTShirt · 23/12/2019 07:09

I have a really strong dislike for cats (I think I was a dog in a previously life Wink). In your situation I would choose the cat.

TheReef · 23/12/2019 09:39

So what if he's reminded of your ex via the cat. Everyone has a past. Anyone who would expect me to give up the family pets for them tells me all I need to know about that person. I'd dump him.

You're the one moving, leaving friends and family and your life behind and he's getting funny over a pet. Fuck that, if you do mice I bet you're back on here in a few months saying what a controlling nightmare he is

TheReef · 23/12/2019 09:40

Bottom line is he's jealous of a cat! Just let that sink in op

mumderland · 23/12/2019 09:42

Keep the cat!
How can a cat bring up bad memories of a past boyfriend. Does he say the same about any other objects you bought while with your ex?
This sounds like the start of controlling behaviour

AgentJohnson · 23/12/2019 09:52

The thing about placating an anxiety, is that it only makes room for another one. He needs to do more work.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/12/2019 10:07

because it brings up a lot of bad memories and thoughts of my past relationship which are extremely hard for him to deal with
Ahhhh.... diddums to him!
It must have awful for HIM being in that relationship!!???
He's a fucking nob OP.
Do NOT move countries to be with someone who doesn't get that you want your beloved pet with you.
He doesn't give a shit about what you want.
It's all about HIM and what HE can't cope with. boohoohoo!!!
Stay put with your family and friends around you.
I can guarantee if you move countries to be with him, you will start to see the controlling and abuse.
It's already there for us all to see.
YOU are ignoring it.
Just because he's not AS abusive as previous relationships, doesn't mean that he isn't abusive!
Why can't he move to be with you?

Rutheroot · 23/12/2019 10:15

I’m sorry what? He wants you to leave your beloved cat because it makes him feel insecure because you owned this cat with an ex? That is EXTREMELY weird, controlling and frankly psycho. Run don’t walk far far away from this man and for the love of god don’t move countries to be with him!! He’s abusive trash.

Rutheroot · 23/12/2019 10:18

Why do you not see how insane that is? This is not a delimma at all. He’s done you a favour in showing you how unhinged he is before you uproot your life.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/12/2019 10:19

And..... If you haven't already done it, then call Womens Aid and do their Freedom Programme before you even consider moving countries.
Attend in person if you can.
If not, then do it on-line - TODAY!!!!!

alwaysmovingforwards · 23/12/2019 10:19

It'll just be the start... this guy may as well be waving a big red flag around! OP, it's got car crash written all over it.

I like your hair this way, the other way reminds me of the past and I can't handle that because I just love you so much...

This dress just suits you better, sorry I can't control myself but the other dress reminds me of the past and I cry because I love you so much...

You need to speak and behave like this now, the way you used to speak just reminds me of the past and I can't control myself. I love you and it's all about our future together. So speak and behave how we've discussed... otherwise I'll get sad, and if you love me as much as I love you you'll not want to make me sad will you...

Mumof1andacat · 23/12/2019 10:20

Keep the cat

bluehairandheartbroken · 23/12/2019 10:34

Oh this makes me sad. Please don't give up your cat. If he truly loved you he wouldn't even expect you to do that. Any normal person wouldn't give a shit that you'd owned this cat with your ex. So fucking what? Sorry but this is such a massive red flag. He sounds like a total creep and I guarantee if you give your cat up and move to be with him, you'll regret it. Please please think carefully. Listen to your instincts. It clearly doesn't feel right or you wouldn't be on here asking for advice.

DreamingOfLivingInAChateau · 23/12/2019 10:35

FOR FRICKS SAKE- KEEP THE CAT!!!

this sounds like if you move in with him, no only will you have lost the cat, but before you know it his "insecurities" will end up being "but you went out with friends when you were with your ex- I don't like it- stay here with me"

or

"your ex met your family, I don't want you seeing your family because he met them and i'll be thinking of how they were with him"

or

"you worked when you were with your ex- you don't need to go out to work, stay at home"

I speak from experience - please dump "beloved" KEEP THE CAT -
and maybe take the freedom program or find a therapist so that you can work on you self esteem and why you feel like you might never find anyone else - trust me there is no harm in being single with pets for company - pets are more reliable and less likely to betray/control you-

best of luck OP.

Lweji · 23/12/2019 10:36

You have to leave the country to be with him and it's "him or the cat"?

Cat and stay put, FGS.

MrsPandigital · 23/12/2019 10:40

Keep the cat!!!!!

Hithere2 · 23/12/2019 10:50

Meow!

Fightingmycorner2019 · 23/12/2019 10:52

What prick asks someone to get rid of their cat?

This Flowers

SuePerb · 23/12/2019 10:57

Well the OP is clearly going to get rid of the cat and move in with this arse.

OP he's controlling and probably abusive. You say in one of your posts that he can't help his behaviour. Well he can. Presumably like the rest of us he is completely in control of his behaviour.

Run! And keep your lovely cat.

scoobydoo1971 · 23/12/2019 11:02

I had a boyfriend once who expressed a dislike of cats...I had two at the time, I dumped him just for voicing that opinion. Never trust people who do not like animals, they are sadistic and selfish. I had a serious boyfriend who wanted me to put my cats, now three fur-babies, and my dog in the garden in kennels because his son is uncomfortable around animals. I dumped him too, as no one has the right to tell you what to do, and the fact they express such views shows red flags related to entitled behaviour. Your cat will show you unconditional love, and if you took him abroad then the 'beloved' may poison or abuse your tiger.

Desolate2nite · 23/12/2019 11:37

Omg this is horrible, how can you even consider ditching your poor cat for this weirdo?? 😱

FoxFriend · 23/12/2019 11:48

Another vote for team cat. This man is going to use these thoughts that he just can’t help having to chip away at your freedom and independence. It doesn’t matter whether it comes from a place of intentional manipulation or genuine insecurity, the impact on you will be the same. Please listen to the advice you’re being given and don’t move in with this man.

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