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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I choose?

227 replies

PotatoBanana · 22/12/2019 17:47

So I am planning to move in with my beloved whom I love with all my heart. It's not a simple move as I am crossing countries and leaving all my family behind to be with him.

The thing is, I have a cat. I love this cat like a child. I am an extreme animal lover.
BUT I got this cat when I was with my ex (he wasn't my ex's cat) and my beloved doesn't want me to bring this cat with me because it brings up a lot of bad memories and thoughts of my past relationship which are extremely hard for him to deal with.

I really have no idea what to do because with the status of my work/distance etc, if I do not move with my bf now, it's likely I will end up breaking up with him. Which destroys me because I really feel like he is the one for me. BUT my cat is also everything to me and parting with her hurts me.

What do I do?

OP posts:
nevernotstruggling · 22/12/2019 19:35

I would pick the cat. Op you sound lovely but the issues you describe with your partner are not worth giving up the cat/your security/job/independence and sanity for.

There are other men trust me.

I write this with my lovely dog at my knee who I would never rehome for a man.

Meanwhile I recall feeling that kind of pressure in a previous relationship and seriously fuck that shit.

I judged my dp fully on how he treated and gets on with my dog. For what it's worth he's so good with him the idiot dog gets so over excited and can identify his van approaching!

A harmonious balanced relationship is possible op

eatyourcake · 22/12/2019 19:38

The only way out I see is either a break up, or long distance (yes of course you can do it, if you love each other), until he's dealt with his insecurities over your poor cat, who's done nothing wrong.

He is making you give up absolutely everything for him, this doesn't sound healthy.

ChalkieWhite · 22/12/2019 19:38

'When in doubt do the decent thing'.

nespressowoo · 22/12/2019 19:41

Why are you even asking yourself this? You absolutely need to keep the cat. Why you need to ask this is quite sad. You're poor cat.

mistermagpie · 22/12/2019 19:41

This is absurd. I got two kittens with my first husband, when we split up I kept them and they subsequently lived with me and my second husband (we still have one of them, the other died). I doubt it even crossed his mind to see them as a reminder of my ex. They are living beings, not photos or love letters or something.

alwaysmovingforwards · 22/12/2019 19:43

Hmmm two thing jump out on this one...

a) your boyfriend is a controlling lunatic

b) OP, you need to do some self development hun, your seemingly so desperate for a relationship with a lunatic that you seem to have very clouded and weak personal boundaries as to what you'll find acceptable / unacceptable.

Being asked to give up your pet because of the reasons you're boyfriend has given??
Purlease, take a step back and look at this situation with fresh eyes.
He's not the one for you, he's got a whole host of issues, let someone else deal with him and break it off.

Sad in the short term I'm sure, but happy in the long term.

SmileyClare · 22/12/2019 19:43

Imagine if you did have children with this man and the relationship broke down? Would he refuse to see them because they reminded him of "a lot of bad memories and thoughts" and "he couldn't handle it"?

He is not emotionally equipped to be in a relationship.

Zofloramummy · 22/12/2019 19:43

He sounds like he is gearing up to use his emotions to control your behaviour and choices. Read Lundy ‘Why does he do that’ I bet you’ll find your beloved in there.

Never ever give up something that you love to pander to someone’s else’s insecurities and whims. This is a slippery slope and the first big test of how much he can control you. I guarantee you will spend your life trying to make him happy and feeling like a failure.

#teamkitty

xmastreestar · 22/12/2019 19:44

He's obviously not the one for you. The one wouldn't make you leave something you love behind like that

gamerchick · 22/12/2019 19:45

You're going to walk into a nightmare OP. You'll be vulnerable if you move.

Fwiw I didn't live with my husband until a few years after we married. We survived. It can work.

DoctorManhattan · 22/12/2019 19:51

OP, you say you’ve had abusive relationship ships before.

Abusers don’t have to act like a villain in a film. They can be utterly charming and appear lovely on the surface, but the abuse and oppression will slowly seep in over time. That’s why red flags should not be ignored, because they are the early warning signs for what lays ahead for you.

Losing his mind over a cat is not normal behaviour. It is the sign of deep-seated insecurity, jealousy and possessiveness. He is appearing lovely because you still do not live with him and he does not have the upper hand yet. Once you move away from your support network to a place you’re not familiar with, you will be at his mercy and he will have no reason to behave as nicely as you have described.

I would urge you to end this, and take some counselling to work on your confidence and assertiveness. An assertive person would have told him to take a long walk off a short pier the moment he suggested getting rid of your pet.

Ignore this at your peril.

Justasecondnow · 22/12/2019 19:51

The whole he’s cried at you as he feels so bad about not being able to cope with your past/cat(!?), is incredibly manipulative.

He’s training you to prioritise his needs above your own or you ‘hurt him’. Whether he knows he’s doing that or not the jury’s out. Really bad place to start co-habiting for definite though.

Junie70 · 22/12/2019 19:52

OP with all due respect you need to end it with this frankly lunatic of a man, and get yourself some professional help so that you understand that you're worth better than a red flag waving nutter who wants you to rehome a cat because it reminds him of your ex..............

DamsonDress · 22/12/2019 19:55

If he does have insecurities he is using them as an excuse to control you. That is not ok. That is abusive.

He'll no doubt be telling you that it's just because he loves you so much but please don't fall for it.

Someone who loves you will put your needs before theirs and will attempt to deal with their insecurities without putting it all on you.

That's not what he's doing. He's intentionally making you feel shit. Putting his needs before his. He knows how much this will hurt you but he's doing it anyway. That really really isn't love.

Please don't cling on to this one hoping it will be alright because you've been hurt before.

I'm really sorry, but he doesn't love you but there will be someone out there for you who will not ask you to change a thing or emotionally manipulate you. Please just wait.

SmileyClare · 22/12/2019 19:56

Great post DoctorManhattan

DamsonDress · 22/12/2019 19:56

*putting his needs before yours

JorisBonson · 22/12/2019 19:58

Cats are not controlling and ask for nothing in return but love (and food). The complete opposite of your "beloved".

Coyoacan · 22/12/2019 20:04

I do think you need some therapy, OP. You have had abusive relationships before and you are heading into another one now. I recommend you take the Freedom Programme

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 22/12/2019 20:15

Look, OP, I have a terrible feeling you're going to squash down all your misgivings and red flags and everything we've said, and move in with him anyway.

If you do, please, PLEASE:

  1. make sure you have savings which are enough for three months rent and a plane ticket home. Keep this account private and separate from any money you share with beloved.

  2. do not move to a country where you do not speak the language. Learn before you go.

  3. do not allow him to become your "whole world" out there. Get a job. Do language classes. Take up a hobby. Talk your neighbours. Make sure you have people other than him that you can turn to.

  4. do not get pregnant

  5. Line up a job before you move. Do not be dependent on him for money. Have the wages paid into your personal account, and transfer an agreed amount to a joint account (if that's how you guys sort it). On no account move somewhere it will be tricky/impossible to get a job, or where your income will be dependant on a friend/family member of his.

  6. Did I say don't get pregnant? Please don't. Give it three years before you even think about a baby. Get good, long term contraception in place (coil/implant) before you leave the UK.

  7. Please give your cat to a friend. You're going to want kitty back some day.

But seriously, this guy is bad news. Sobbing because he can't deal with you having a previous relationship? This is manipulative, stupid, indulgent and immature, but I bet its just the tip of a very scary iceberg.

Best of luck, OP

Hairyfairy01 · 22/12/2019 20:23

Keep the cat, do not move in with him. Read all the responses on here. We can't all be wrong surely!

Fedupofitnow123 · 22/12/2019 20:52

He already sounds abusive, have you done the freedom programme?

I seriously wouldn't move in with him, he is already controlling you! I have just got out of an abusive relationship and no way would I leave my cat! I even brought her with me!

Fedupofitnow123 · 22/12/2019 20:52

But if you have to, I'll take the poor thing!

HunnyMummy1993 · 22/12/2019 21:03

I've had awful abusive relationships in the past

And here you are, barging into another with yr eyes wide shut.

Bitofnamechanging · 22/12/2019 21:03

I worry that so many people saying the same thing has driven the op away.

Just think op. If you were certain you wouldn't be posting on mn

HollowTalk · 22/12/2019 21:11

He sounds really awful, OP. It sounds as though you don't know what a good, healthy relationship looks like.

I would be very worried about you moving to be near him when he's showing this level of control. You won't have your job and you won't be near friends and family.

Please, please don't go to live with him. He is not good for you. Frankly he sounds unhinged, the way he's focusing on your cat (of all things) as being the problem. What does he think about you actually sleeping with your ex? That will surely occur to him soon and I doubt he'd let you leave the house, then.

I would gently end it and block him as fast as you can. We are all telling you that you will regret it if you move in with him - listen to us.