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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I choose?

227 replies

PotatoBanana · 22/12/2019 17:47

So I am planning to move in with my beloved whom I love with all my heart. It's not a simple move as I am crossing countries and leaving all my family behind to be with him.

The thing is, I have a cat. I love this cat like a child. I am an extreme animal lover.
BUT I got this cat when I was with my ex (he wasn't my ex's cat) and my beloved doesn't want me to bring this cat with me because it brings up a lot of bad memories and thoughts of my past relationship which are extremely hard for him to deal with.

I really have no idea what to do because with the status of my work/distance etc, if I do not move with my bf now, it's likely I will end up breaking up with him. Which destroys me because I really feel like he is the one for me. BUT my cat is also everything to me and parting with her hurts me.

What do I do?

OP posts:
happycamper11 · 22/12/2019 19:12

He's jealous of a cat? Red flag OP. Keep the cat and lose the man child!

CodenameVillanelle · 22/12/2019 19:13

He IS controlling and abusive. Don't be so stupid as to move across countries and give up everything for this ridiculous man.

yellowallpaper · 22/12/2019 19:16

Oh so very controlling to make you get rid of your cat. Big red flag! A cat does not remind him of your previous relationship. It's a fucking cat! He's just controlling you.

BoxtheRight · 22/12/2019 19:16

I've had awful abusive relationships in the past and it has really taken me a lot to trust anyone again

You're in an abusive relationship now. I had an ex like this. 'Couldn't handle' that I'd had previous relationships. Would grow mournful and sorrowful about it, cry etc. It's abuse. It's designed to control.

Please end it with him. Moving to live with him with further isolate you. These are major red flags.

Zerrin13 · 22/12/2019 19:16

I'd hazard a guess that this man cant accept that OP wasn't a virgin when she met him.

EllenRipley · 22/12/2019 19:17

If he's honest about his insecurities, and committed to you, then he'll want to work in this; which means not expecting you to dump your beloved pet. That's outrageous.

You need to listen to what pps are saying to you, OP. This is a huge red flag. Deliberate or subconsciously, he's already trying to control and manipulate you. Stand up for yourself, and your poor cat, and I mean REALLY stand up for yourself. His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

😿

Interestedwoman · 22/12/2019 19:18

'And he has REALLY come a long way with dealing with these thoughts and our relationship has grown a lot to the point where he never really has them any more.
But when it comes to my cat, he has seen my ex with him and so when he sees my cat he is instantly reminded of that.

There is also the fact that when he moved he will be leaving his own cat with family. Which I understand is difficult but he will get to see his cat. '

As PP's said, his issues are just that- his to deal with.

I think the only reason he would leave his cat and not move it in, is to manipulate you into feeling you have to give up yours.

#KEEPTHECAT!

How do I choose?
yellowallpaper · 22/12/2019 19:20

Sorry OP but abusive men see you coming. He is mentally unstable, manipulative (though you can't see it) controlling. A loving partner would not ask you to give up your pet. Whats next? Speaking to your family? Your job? Country and friends will already be gone if you go.

This behaviour is not normal.

Tootyfruityfoo · 22/12/2019 19:21

Oh my...I hope you don't move anywhere with this man. He wants to erase your past and your cat. Not insecurity... Controlling.. First the cat then move.. Away from family or friends of yours I imagine... Got you on your own.. Think very long and hard or the possible outcomes of this.

glitterfarts · 22/12/2019 19:21

WHICH country is he asking you to move to? What religion is he?
If the country/religion/culture is one very different from your own, it could actually be very dangerous for you to move there.

I think this has more red flags than a Coca-Cola bunting factory.

thickwoollytights · 22/12/2019 19:24

he really can't help it. We have had a few times where he will literally sit there and cry to me because he doesn't want to be having these awful thoughts because he loves me so much

Absolute bollix

Cat - choose cat. Every time

katy1213 · 22/12/2019 19:24

He sounds an idiot - and I say that as one who hates cats. He'll only find something else to focus on that will remind him - of what? that you didn't arrive untouched by human hand? Does he come with a no-previous-user certificate?

Aminuts23 · 22/12/2019 19:25

He’s jealous because your CAT reminds him of your past life with your ex. Just wrap your head around that. Try to imagine feeling that way!!! Impossible right??? That’s because your partner is absolutely crazy.
If you move in with him you will regret it almost immediately. He’s controlling. Your past is your past and you can’t spend the rest of your life hiding it or pretending it didn’t happen because it’s part of who YOU are.
I’m not a cat lover either but I’m rooting for you to choose the cat! Seriously

FizzyGreenWater · 22/12/2019 19:26

No no no no no no.

Every single thing you have said about him is a massive red flag, including the fact you've been in bad relationships before.

HE IS ANOTHER ONE.

Yes he IS controlling.

Please don't move in with him: at best you tell him that no, the cat comes with you and if he can't handle that then he isn't in a position to be in a grown up relationship.

if I do not move with my bf now, it's likely I will end up breaking up with him. - this would be fantastic, please do this.

BraveGoldie · 22/12/2019 19:27

OP, I have to agree with everybody else. You are already giving up everything you love and are connected to, in order to move to him.... and instead of him doing everything in his power to help make this move better for you, he wants to take away the one truly dear thing to you that you CAN bring with you?

And why? Because of a totally pathetic, immature , jealous, controlling reason that he can't cope with the fact that you have a past? He is literally erasing everything and all your connections - by getting you to move, by giving up your cat, and by pretending you have no past.... that is what abusive people do. The fact that he hides it behind his apparent vulnerability doesn't make it better.

You will spend your life walking on eggshells and giving up more and more of who you are, in order to satisfy his neuroses..... I think you need to either put your foot down and bring the cat, and police that line over and over until he accepts it. Or run now.....

And I really don't normally give this advice!

cuppycakey · 22/12/2019 19:27

I've had awful abusive relationships in the past

To be honest OP this is not surprising as you are seriously thinking about moving to another country to be with another abuser.

Have you had any counselling? Do you have a therapist or a close friend you can talk this through with?

This will end really badly for you. Please choose you (and the cat)

katy1213 · 22/12/2019 19:29

PS he doesn't love you. He loves the thought of owning you. Run, run, run -or in five years time, you'll be posting here wondering how safely leave him with your children.
There are plenty more fish in the sea - feed this one to the cat!

firstimemamma · 22/12/2019 19:30

As far as I'm aware 100% of people on this thread have all said the same thing op! Please listen!

frillyfarmer · 22/12/2019 19:31

Firstly (as an extreme animal lover myself) please do not compare the love you have for your cat to that of a child - it's quite offensive, particularly as you seem to genuinely be considering giving the cat up.

You are minimising his behaviour in your subsequent post. Your OH is incredibly controlling and his behaviour constitutes emotional abuse as far as I'm concerned.

If you do give your cat up for this low life, please never try to describe yourself as an extreme animal lover again. There are literally thousands of unwanted dogs and cats in rescues because their owners weren't responsible enough to do right by them, it's really very sad, and absolutely not the behaviour of an animal lover.

Honestly, Biscuit

Yetanotherwinter · 22/12/2019 19:31

If he was the right one he wouldn’t make you choose between him and the cat. I’d see this as a red flag. You’ll be very isolated if you move, which he may like.

feelingsinister · 22/12/2019 19:32

OP, I'm sorry to join the group saying choose the cat but please please please choose the cat.

There are so many red flags here honestly.

Of course he said you could choose the cat and delay moving in together because that makes him seem oh so reasonable. Honestly, when you move I would put money on this man escalating his controlling behaviour.

feelingsinister · 22/12/2019 19:32

And I'm sorry but feeling insecure about a cat is really weird.

rededucator · 22/12/2019 19:33

If you love your cat like a child, if it was a child would he make you leave that behind too?

MargotsBumpyNight · 22/12/2019 19:33

Camp kitty.

Boyfriend is a controlling, manipulative, jealous twunt.

ChristmassySpice · 22/12/2019 19:34

Read your post. Then read it again. Read all the replies here. Imagine this was friend telling you this story. Then take a step back and re-evaluate how much of an impact your previous unhealthy relationships have had. Ask yourself how far you have come. Are you still making the same choices relationship wise? Why? What are the pros and cons of this relationship. And past relationships. Make a list if you need to. Then keep that list. Keep looking at it.
Ask yourself what you want from a relationship. Does this meet your needs?
(CLUE - NO) Then stay away from relationships until you have healthy boundaries.

And above all else, never let anyone tell you what to do, or make you choose between them and someone / something you love.