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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I choose?

227 replies

PotatoBanana · 22/12/2019 17:47

So I am planning to move in with my beloved whom I love with all my heart. It's not a simple move as I am crossing countries and leaving all my family behind to be with him.

The thing is, I have a cat. I love this cat like a child. I am an extreme animal lover.
BUT I got this cat when I was with my ex (he wasn't my ex's cat) and my beloved doesn't want me to bring this cat with me because it brings up a lot of bad memories and thoughts of my past relationship which are extremely hard for him to deal with.

I really have no idea what to do because with the status of my work/distance etc, if I do not move with my bf now, it's likely I will end up breaking up with him. Which destroys me because I really feel like he is the one for me. BUT my cat is also everything to me and parting with her hurts me.

What do I do?

OP posts:
TheCatInAHat · 22/12/2019 18:27

He sounds absolutely dreadful.
My DH doesn’t even like cats but agreed to us getting one as it was important to me. He’s incredibly kind to her and has grown to love her.

SmileyClare · 22/12/2019 18:28

ShockAlarm bells all over this Shock
Your cat reminds him of your ex and he can't handle it? Wtf? Replace the word "cat" with "child" and perhaps you can see how messed up this is.

He is controlling you. His difficult past, the emotional baggage, his religion are all being used to manipulate you.

TheCatInAHat · 22/12/2019 18:29

Definitely pick the cat. The man doesn’t love you or have your best interests at heart.

Queenoftheashes · 22/12/2019 18:29

If he's religious, I presume you haven't had sex and won't until marraige?

He’ll be one of those who says he doesn’t do premarital sex but is ok with up the arse as an alternative

Momniscient · 22/12/2019 18:30

Just because he's come a long way doesn't mean he's ready now. Moving in now when he's jealous of a CAT is a huge red flag when you love the cat that much.

Keep the cat. Give the relationship more time to really work.

heartyrebel · 22/12/2019 18:30

What country is he from? This has disaster written all over it

BercowsFestiveFlamingo · 22/12/2019 18:30

Keep the cat and be grateful your hopefully soon to be ex Bf is so far away. If he was severely allergic then I'd understand (but still choose the cat) but he's a selfish, immature prat. Your cat doesn't deserve to be deserted by you. That's shit and no decent person would ask you to give up an animal you love and is part of your family.

He sounds troubled. Run.

nilcarborundum · 22/12/2019 18:31

Keep the cat!

How do I choose?
category12 · 22/12/2019 18:32

Where's the now or never ultimatum really coming from? An adult relationship can survive being long-distance for a time if you're working towards being together.

How can you dismiss him being completely mental over you having a past relationship as "insecurity"? It's not, it's way way way out of normal.

How can you dismiss his wanting you to get rid of the cat? You'll be far from family and friends, and you won't even have your cat. What he can't bear is you having something else to love and focus on.

DelphiniumBlue · 22/12/2019 18:32

He's nuts. Run.

Pinkbonbon · 22/12/2019 18:32

If he is actually having thoughts he can't control then why hasn't he seen a mental health specialist? If he isn't mentally ill then there is no reason for his treatment of you other than - control. Even if it was the former, there is no excuse.

You are in another abusive relationship. Get out now before you get stuck living with him.

CheerfulMuddler · 22/12/2019 18:33

How would he feel about you moving into your own flat in the new city with your cat? Then you could have both.
If he really feels dreadful and this genuinely isn't him trying to control you, that would be a good solution, surely?
Why not suggest it to him and see what he says. If he isn't happy and insists you still give up the cat, then you'll know it wasn't about his issues but was all about control.

confusedandemployed · 22/12/2019 18:34

Still no.

Christ OP, you are an "extreme animal lover" and yet you're contemplating giving up your cat for this turd? Fuck that.

I have an ancient, blind and deaf dog who I got with my late DP. Every single partner since (grand total of 2!) were happy to have him and, more than that, totally ok with the fact that DDog comes first.

Already you're making excuses for his unacceptable behaviour. Bloody run and don't look back.

Awrite · 22/12/2019 18:35

You may not be able to see it but every single one of us on this thread can - this is an abusive relationship.

Would you ever ask a partner to give up a beloved pet? Would you?

ohwheniknow · 22/12/2019 18:36

Your last relationship must have been extremely abusive for you to be able to look at and describe this without seeing any signs of controlling/abusive behaviour.

firstimemamma · 22/12/2019 18:36

What @IsolaPribby said!

"If he was truly the one for you, and loved you as much as you say you love him, then he would accept that you and your cat come as a package deal, and welcome you both with open arms.
Stop and think before you make a mistake."

Your 'beloved' is a grown man who can have opinions and understand things. Your cat is a defenceless animal who - if you did pass him or her on to someone else to look after - wouldn't be able to understand why that was happening. The cat has a bond with you and a decent man wouldn't ask you to break that.

Branleuse · 22/12/2019 18:36

OP, please dont do this. This is your cat. Your baby.
Any good man would never ask this of you.
I would be worried that you will be having to apologise for having a past.

How much time have you spent together so far

SugarThreat · 22/12/2019 18:36

You will massively regret moving in with this man. I had a friend who found a similar partner and moved away - she came home a few years later black and blue. Walk away while you can. I chose to rehome my cat years ago - biggest regret I have in life I think!

ohwheniknow · 22/12/2019 18:37

If he loved you, you wouldn't even be trying to make a decision about your cat because it's be going with you.

Drum2018 · 22/12/2019 18:38

For the love of God @PotatoBanana he is controlling you. Why would someone have to work through your past relationships? That's for you to do and you to come to terms with - not this nutjob! My advice - stay with your cat. Leave this guy with his insecurities. He is not a good catch!

Meltedwellie · 22/12/2019 18:38

You can’t imagine it at the moment as you are in love with him but there is someone better out there, believe me I’ve been there. Someone much better who wouldn’t manipulate you and try to control you.
Keep your cat. Don’t go! Seriously, don’t go!!!

CrazyMum40 · 22/12/2019 18:38

Keep the cat as any man who asks you to choose is cruel, and if he's that nasty do not take the cat with you as he could "accidently lose the cat" call me paranoid, but if I met a man who asked me to move to his I'd take my cat, and if it went missing the first thing I'd think was he was behind it!

If he is controlling you like this already then run away now, imagine you rehome your cat, move, loose your job and then realise he's a prick, you're alone and you've not even got you're beautiful kitty to make everything better

Poor cat doesn't derseve its mummy abandoning it for a man anyway

Please don't leave your kitty

firstimemamma · 22/12/2019 18:39

Just read your update op. If this is what he's like after having 'come a long way' then god knows what he was like to begin with! Raise your standards when it comes to men and keep the cat!

LiviaSoprano · 22/12/2019 18:40

He sounds deeply troubled and insecure.

I would be absolutely aghast if someone who alleged to care about me suggested I should give up my cat because it reminds him of my ex. Huge red flag. Insane thing to ask of you.

I'd be gone in a second over this. He sounds like a deeply controlling and jealous man. Even if he doesn't mean to be.

SmileyClare · 22/12/2019 18:40

This has got to be a wind up? Does anyone from this century refer to their partner as "my beloved" ? Confused

If this is real, then for God's sake stop making excuses for him.