Major Xmas dilemma!

[OdeToDiazepam]

What would you do in this situation?

Bf who lives down the road with 2 dc. I have 2 dc too.

He's insistent that I spend Christmas Eve at his, and the night, and Christmas morning.

I have a number of issues with this. He has barely any furniture or stuff as he only recently moved in so the place is bare, dim and cold. The kitchens always a mess, there's bloody puppies as well so it's always a racket and smells.

Also I'd have to move a load of stuff over which I don't want to do, there's not enough chairs, I can't do my usual routine

Also I fear it'll be unfair with the kids as I get my dc a lot more, his dc pick on my youngest and are generally unpleasant at times.

Also I'm having to pay for all the food as he's tight on money, I'm fine with not getting a present but I have to admit it's hard not to feel a little resentful funding masses of Xmas food and drink and dinner'

Tbh I'm miserable every time I'm there atm. Tonight I went over for dinner spent nearly two hours waiting on my own feeling ill in the cold and dark as he had a call to be given dinner massively late and a child's portion so I'm still hungry!

I want to do it at my dads, he can come over for Christmas dinner maybe for a bit on Christmas Eve. I'll be more relaxed I have everything I need and they won't be here too long as it's chaos with 4 kids and I find it very stressful!

There's no solution though I either make him happy but risk having a horrible stressful Christmas as I get really low when I get stressed or I piss him off and have him unhappy at me

Thank you for the kind and actually helpful posts I'm not disagreeing I'm just trying to work through it

If you do go, what about your Dad? Would he be having Christmas Day on his own? This whole plan sounds mad. Do stay at home with your children, where you can have the kind of Christmas you want for them and yourself. Bf can join you on Xmas morning, and have lunch at yours, then go home with his kids. That way you will only have tocater for one meal for them. It really is not your responsibility to provide the whole Christmas for his family.

Ode, do you think there's a future in this if you both have two kids, but when they are together you find them stressful and "too much"?

Is it the type of relationship you want? Your reasons for not leaving him were essentially that he's not abusive, you take his son to school, you'd have to get your things back from his and he might not pay your dad back... nothing about love, or how he makes you feel, or why you make a good team...

I'm not saying to run away immediately, but he doesn't sound in the position to have a relationship, and you don't seem to have a future as a couple... so all of this angst is for no purpose, really.

Just because people are saying things you don't want to hear, doesn't make it unkind or unhelpful. Uncomfortable yes, but not unhelpful.

It would be doing you a disservice and being deliberately unhelpful to tell you this is anything other than toxic.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Just re-read your first post, why on earth has your boyfriend got ‘puppies’ if he is struggling financially? Can he afford to look after the puppies (how many?).

Come on, OP, there's a middle ground between that and taking away the Christmas tree & tv .

Because you've always been in bad relationships, your boundaries may be skewed, which is why it seems reasonable to you to put him and his kids above yourself (and sadly it seems your own dc).

It's OK for him not to be happy about a decision you make, and yet for you to still make that decision.

You say you are ‘miserable every time you go there’ .... so why do you keep on going back to him?

His dog has 4 puppies

I love my children and work very hard to provide for them

Because when I'm not with him I like the idea of being with him and having company and someone who loves me and then I spend time with him and am usually not very happy

He wants to be at his because he can't stay the night at my dads and he really wants to do Christmas morning together and Christmas in general

Sounds more like he wants you at his to bring some furniture and buy the food and feed him and his kids, and have sex. Oh and you can see to all the kids and ruin your little ones Christmas while he gets picked on by BF's kids whiile you are there.
This is an awful relationship OdeToDiazepam. Why bother. Don't abandone you Dad on Christmas who houses you for this man.

But I feel like it's me, like im a selfish ungrateful person

I'd never abandon my dad and it was his suggestion I move in here because he's lonely

Don't be a mug he sounds dreadful.

If you want company and someone who loves you just keep one of the puppies!

He was a shit on your post the other day and he's still a shit. He barely likes you let alone loves you, he's getting ready to make you his slave.

He's taking you for an absolute ride, why are you even contemplating this?

What precisely are you supposed to be grateful for?

The opportunity to give his kids a lift, pay for their Christmas, have your kid bullied, be uncomfortable and have a miserable time?

You say yourself you like the idea of the relationship, but you're not happy in the reality of it.

I would read back through your OP and imagine your daughter one day saying that to you about a man she is with. I honestly think you're closing your eyes to the reality of the really awful person he is.

It sounds like you're settling for less than you deserve just because you want a relationship and to be loved. He doesn't sound like much of a catch to me. I wouldn't spend Christmas with him, or waste any more time on him to be honest. You can do better.

I would give the kids the tv and the tree as their Xmas gifts, and walk away.

If pay my dad back myself.

I'd never see the arsehole (ex)boyfriend again; I'd be distant, detached but polite at school; I'd let the Ex sort his own school run and life out; and I'd vow to be single for quite some while for my children's sake, my own sake, and my father's sake tbh.I

I'd ignore relatives with unwanted opinions. 'I really do not wish to discuss it' works.

This isn't a dilemma.

Grow a little backbone and say no, you are having Christmas with your father who loves you and your children. Get the money from you 'boyfriend' that your dad lent him and break up.

I'm sorry but this is so infuriating to read. If you read this in a book, or your friend told you all this, or your daughter - would you seriously think this is the best a relationship should be?

Most people didn't say ltb though on learning who he is, they might. Practically all of them are saying stick to your guns, funny do things you know you won't like just because otherwise he won't like it.

FFS, life is too short. And your poor kids ... staying with someone who lets his kid pick on them! And watches as he dictates where you should be and how you should spend your money on him and his kids.

Kick his arse to the kerb! Figure out why you're letting yourself be treated so poorly! Not a great role model for your kids.

Is he American? Did he come over just to be with you? I remember your other thread and couldn’t work out then why you were with him. Now add in Christmas in a cold house with too many children and dogs and not enough chairs, it’s a non-starter.

You are allowed to not be with him.

Cocklodger, seems to me.