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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Major Xmas dilemma!

590 replies

OdeToDiazepam · 19/12/2019 21:03

What would you do in this situation?

Bf who lives down the road with 2 dc. I have 2 dc too.

He's insistent that I spend Christmas Eve at his, and the night, and Christmas morning.

I have a number of issues with this. He has barely any furniture or stuff as he only recently moved in so the place is bare, dim and cold. The kitchens always a mess, there's bloody puppies as well so it's always a racket and smells.

Also I'd have to move a load of stuff over which I don't want to do, there's not enough chairs, I can't do my usual routine

Also I fear it'll be unfair with the kids as I get my dc a lot more, his dc pick on my youngest and are generally unpleasant at times.

Also I'm having to pay for all the food as he's tight on money, I'm fine with not getting a present but I have to admit it's hard not to feel a little resentful funding masses of Xmas food and drink and dinner'

Tbh I'm miserable every time I'm there atm. Tonight I went over for dinner spent nearly two hours waiting on my own feeling ill in the cold and dark as he had a call to be given dinner massively late and a child's portion so I'm still hungry!

I want to do it at my dads, he can come over for Christmas dinner maybe for a bit on Christmas Eve. I'll be more relaxed I have everything I need and they won't be here too long as it's chaos with 4 kids and I find it very stressful!

There's no solution though I either make him happy but risk having a horrible stressful Christmas as I get really low when I get stressed or I piss him off and have him unhappy at me

OP posts:
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category12 · 19/12/2019 21:58

If he's a decent guy, he'll understand that the current set-up at his place just isn't going to work well for Christmas, and it'd be better to do it the way Chocolatecake12 suggested.

It's this talk of him insisting and your apparent horror of him not being happy about / getting his own way on something that's concerning.

ohwheniknow · 19/12/2019 21:58

For fuck sake.

Go back and read what people have said to you instead of just skimming searching for those that say what you want to hear.

If you'd actually be happy with your kids growing up to think this is a normal, healthy relationship then that is extreme!y distressing.

fligglepige · 19/12/2019 21:59

If you don't want to spend time in his smelly cold house then why in the hell are you even considering making your children spend Christmas there? Put them first for God's sake.

Ragwort · 19/12/2019 22:00

I can’t believe you are for real, surely no one is this stupid?

Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 19/12/2019 22:00

Can people be kind please

I've posted for help. Things aren't always straightforward. My whole life I've had bad relationships, I don't have my mum for advice, I've been abused and on my own.

I'm not reliant on a relationship, but this is someone who I thought was a good person

Things aren't as straightforward as you say just end it. Ok so I do that now. Well he owes my dad money that he'd then not be likely to get, my television and tree and other things are there which id have to get back

His son wouldn't have transport for school, the same one as my son so that would be awkward seeing him every day. Having to tell all my family about another car crash relationship and that's without all the emotional grief I'd get from him which I'm not strong enough to deal with right now

OP posts:
Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 19/12/2019 22:00

Yes and actually he's not a conman as he's paid me back and over half of what he owes my dad

OP posts:
MrsGrindah · 19/12/2019 22:00

We are not being unkind we are just disagreeing with you.

Glitterandunicorns · 19/12/2019 22:01

Hi OP. The fact that you're worried about where to spend Christmas and have said that he's "insisting" that you spend it with him is a big red flag just on its own.

It doesn't matter what he has said or how nice he's been in the past, he's pushing you into something that you're clearly not happy with, and trying to guilt trip you into it with talk of no Christmas dinner for his kids. That in and of itself is outrageous and would be a dealbreaker for me. It is not your responsibility to provide Christmas meals, trees or presents for someone else's kids. Use your money to put towards your deposit, or for things for your own kids.

How long have you been seeing this guy?

In any event, I wouldn't pursue the relationship at all unless he was able to provide a safe place for your kids. At present, your children are treated badly by his. Don't accept this.

Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 19/12/2019 22:01

So it's easy for you to say ltb and then flame me for struggling with that, if you were in my situation you might see it's hard

OP posts:
Ragwort · 19/12/2019 22:03

My whole life I’ve had bad relationships.

Leave him, you don’t need a man in your life. Get some counselling or look at the Freedom Programme.

You dad must be mortified at your behaviour (as well as being out of pocket), I would be so embarrassed if my boyfriend borrowed money from my parents and didn’t repay it.

Chesntoots · 19/12/2019 22:04

Haven't you posted about this using fuckwit before??

Is he the one who has just come over from America?

If so, you were given loads of advice on the last thread. You will get loads of advice on this one too. And ignore it all... waste of time.

(Sorry if you are someone different)

frazzledasarock · 19/12/2019 22:04

He’s got tons of money coming in the new year!

Yeah right and I’m an African prince who is having problems transferring my billions into the uk. If you would just transfer £50,000 to my UK bank account so I can have a viable UK account I will share half my billions with you. In the new year 🤣🤣🤣

Ragwort · 19/12/2019 22:05

What exactly is so hard? Is it because you want desperately to be in a relationship?

Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 19/12/2019 22:05

It's the same person but I didn't get advice I just got told he's a conman which he isn't as he's paid back 1300

OP posts:
MrsGrindah · 19/12/2019 22:05

Tell us what you want us to say then? Because from what you have posted I see someone who is being mistreated, her children are being mistreated so I cannot encourage you to stay in those circumstances.

fligglepige · 19/12/2019 22:06

'Things aren't as straightforward as you say just end it. Ok so I do that now. Well he owes my dad money that he'd then not be likely to get, my television and tree and other things are there which id have to get back

His son wouldn't have transport for school, the same one as my son so that would be awkward seeing him every day. Having to tell all my family about another car crash relationship and that's without all the emotional grief I'd get from him which I'm not strong enough to deal with right now'

Come on OP, you know these aren't good enough reasons to stay with someone. Cut your losses and go before you get in too deep. Don't put your children through another abusive relationship.

Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 19/12/2019 22:06

No I don't desperately want a relationship at all I'm not a desperate person I'm quite independent actually

OP posts:
Someoneontheweb · 19/12/2019 22:06

Hoping this is made up...
Get your tv, get your tree, look after your children, look after yourself. When you've mastered these try having a relationship.

Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 19/12/2019 22:06

I work, I study and I enjoy other things all independently of him

OP posts:
bigchris · 19/12/2019 22:06

Is this the American boyfriend, whose lent money from yourself and your father and you’ve paid for furniture

Shock

The relationship has no future because the 4 kids don't get on, you've different values and you don't like his puppies

Would you really leave your dad alone at Christmas?

Glitterandunicorns · 19/12/2019 22:06

OP, I've just read your update.

You absolutely can't stay in a relationship because you need to provide transport to someone else's kid for school. You just can't.

You also can't stay in a relationship because you're afraid of what other people will think if you're not in one.

People here are not trying to be unkind; they're trying to provide advice to help you see this for what it seems to be.

Often, it's easier to see things more clearly when you're outside of the situation. I know it's easy to say LTB, but you're getting nothing out of this and he seems controlling to boot. Controlling behaviour does not get better and you do not want to show your kids that this is what a healthy relationship looks like.

Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 19/12/2019 22:07

And since that other thread I have been distancing myself

OP posts:
ohwheniknow · 19/12/2019 22:08

You'd rather fuck your kids lives up than deal with a bit of embarrassment?

Exiting an unhealthy relationship is brave and positive. It's not something to be embarrassed about. That's your hang up.

This is genuinely confusing to you because of your history, I get it. But you can do something about that instead of burying your head in the sand or insisting this is just the way it has to be. It doesn't.

If you want life to be different, go on the Freedom Programme course. You don't have to pay to attend, and they won't tell you to leave him.

If you're not willing to do that it's entirely your choice. But keep doing the same, keep getting the same outcomes. Keep feeling mystified as to why people think you're in a toxic relationship.

Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 19/12/2019 22:08

So you lot would really go into someone's house and take the christmas tree and tv in front of their children?

OP posts:
Heartburn888 · 19/12/2019 22:09

Just be honest and tell him why you don’t want to. If not it’s not only you who will have a crap run up to Christmas it will be your kids too. Sod how he feels, IMO he wants you round to ‘make’ Christmas and provide food etc - think about your own kiddies and their time at Christmas 👍 hope you have a good one

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