Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Major Xmas dilemma!

590 replies

OdeToDiazepam · 19/12/2019 21:03

What would you do in this situation?

Bf who lives down the road with 2 dc. I have 2 dc too.

He's insistent that I spend Christmas Eve at his, and the night, and Christmas morning.

I have a number of issues with this. He has barely any furniture or stuff as he only recently moved in so the place is bare, dim and cold. The kitchens always a mess, there's bloody puppies as well so it's always a racket and smells.

Also I'd have to move a load of stuff over which I don't want to do, there's not enough chairs, I can't do my usual routine

Also I fear it'll be unfair with the kids as I get my dc a lot more, his dc pick on my youngest and are generally unpleasant at times.

Also I'm having to pay for all the food as he's tight on money, I'm fine with not getting a present but I have to admit it's hard not to feel a little resentful funding masses of Xmas food and drink and dinner'

Tbh I'm miserable every time I'm there atm. Tonight I went over for dinner spent nearly two hours waiting on my own feeling ill in the cold and dark as he had a call to be given dinner massively late and a child's portion so I'm still hungry!

I want to do it at my dads, he can come over for Christmas dinner maybe for a bit on Christmas Eve. I'll be more relaxed I have everything I need and they won't be here too long as it's chaos with 4 kids and I find it very stressful!

There's no solution though I either make him happy but risk having a horrible stressful Christmas as I get really low when I get stressed or I piss him off and have him unhappy at me

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Someoneontheweb · 19/12/2019 22:22

So you lot would really go into someone's house and take the christmas tree and tv in front of their children?

Do your children have a Christmas tree at their home OP?

NurseButtercup · 19/12/2019 22:22

I haven't read the entire thread but please please put the happiness of your children before the happiness of your boyfriend and his children.

funkylittleboatrace · 19/12/2019 22:23

This is going to be another fake thread isn't it?, no one can be this ridiculous.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 19/12/2019 22:24

Because when I'm not with him I like the idea of being with him and having company and someone who loves me

It's the idea of a loving partner; an equal. He is not that.

Your children don't have a tree because it's at his... you find the four kids together chaotic. He doesn't have a job and is quite reliant on you... this has disaster written all over it.

marchingonwithmother · 19/12/2019 22:24

He's a user. He's got a dog and 4 puppies, owes money to your dad. He won't cook them Christmas dinner if you're not there. You're going to leave your dad alone on Christmas Day and let your kids have a shit time in a smelly messy house.

All because he fancies a shag and someone to do all the hard work. Hmm

JuneSpoon · 19/12/2019 22:25

Two more things. And I mean this kindly

  1. your family already know this is a car crash relationship
  2. he has a family - his kids. How dismissive to say he wants you to "make it a family"

OP , seriously, have Christmas with your dad, dump his ass and go for counseling in the New year. You owe him nothing. In fact if you think of everything you do/have done for him and how much he does for you (nothing) he owes you

And your kids prob only said they wanted Christmas in his house because they thought that's what you wanted to hear

Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 19/12/2019 22:25

Well I'm happy for you that your life is so straightforward and easy that such a situation is incomprehensible to you

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 19/12/2019 22:25

And he doesn't treat you kindly OP. He is fleecing you for everything you've got and taking advantage of you. He's a selfish leech.

CustomerCervixDepartment · 19/12/2019 22:26

I wish people wouldn’t do what my mother did and inflict her lovers on my life. Instead of thinking about the boyfriend, think of your kids, they don’t enjoy being around your boyfriends kids, making them do it more will not improve things. You can keep the boyfriend if you think that’s all you’re worth, but keep your children separate. Meet him for dates and a shag, whatever, but your kids didn’t ask to be brought into this.

You can end any relationship at any point, for any-or no-reason, you don’t need to justify yourself. ‘This isn’t working for me, all the best, bye.’ block, delete.

Harrysmummy246 · 19/12/2019 22:27

I wouldn't stay with someone just for a christmas tree and television. They can be replaced. Eventually.

And FWIW, I've been with (now) DH for 14 years. We went to our own families at Christmas probably for the first 5 years of that.

Imagine a good friend saying any of this to you? What would you then say?

Babyroobs · 19/12/2019 22:27

Are the puppies well looked after - it sounds chaotic.

Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 19/12/2019 22:28

Those of you who like to make out I'm an idiot or I'm spineless hope it makes you feel good I work full time and earn a decent amount I'm doing a degree and im a published author all while I've been a single parent for years I'm not a pushover or an idiot

If I'd seen this ahead when I met him then no I wouldn't be here this is just how it's ended up but I think some of you should consider the actual reality that things are easier said than done

OP posts:
Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 19/12/2019 22:29

My children do enjoy seeing his kids most of the time actually but sometimes the older one picks on the younger one like I said nothing serious but it's not great

OP posts:
ICouldBeVotingTactically · 19/12/2019 22:30

I got to about paragraph 4 of your OP, before I decided this isn't going to go well for you and your DCs. You're just not selling your BF to me at all.

"When someone tells you who they are, listen", as a wise person (on MN) said.

Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 19/12/2019 22:30

And he does have a job

OP posts:
7salmonswimming · 19/12/2019 22:32

Leave the tree and the TV in his house for his kids.

Buy a cheap tree and borrow or rent a TV for your kids for this Xmas. You’re spending the money to do right by everyone.

Spend Xmas with your father and kids. Buy for them, spend time with them.

If bf wants to come over for a few hours after Xmas lunch, serve them something small but filling, give the kids small gifts (whatever you would do for a nephew or niece).

Let him be a father to his children. He will give them the Xmas he can.

Once the dust has settled next year, retrieve your belongings and ditch him. He’s not treating you well. He’s using you, taking advantage of you, not thinking of your children anywhere near as much as you are thinking of his, and he’s not considerate to your father.

You deserve much better than this. Alone is better than this.

fligglepige · 19/12/2019 22:33

'So you lot would really go into someone's house and take the christmas tree and tv in front of their children?'

No, I'd say you know what, keep the tv and the tree, I might even chuck him some money as a severance if I felt bad enough for the kids, then I'd get the hell out of there for the sake of my own children.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 19/12/2019 22:34

He’s got tons of money coming in the new year!
Is he selling the puppies?
Is he having his dog spayed (or is he a BYB)

He can get the Aldi Christmas Dinner for £25 . Probably less if it's for him and his 2 DC.

knewyouwerewaiting · 19/12/2019 22:34

If you ended it what would happen? I think you’re scared of that.

Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 19/12/2019 22:35

Thank you I will do something along the lines of that

OP posts:
Bagofworries · 19/12/2019 22:35

You're behaving as though you've been married for 30 years and your DH has fallen on hard times, lost his job. That's not the case at all.
This man is not your responsibility and neither are his children. I wish you could see that.

Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 19/12/2019 22:36

No there's meant to be all this money coming from his company and clients,

The puppies are well looked after it was an accidental breeding

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 19/12/2019 22:36

I don't think you're an idiot OP but it sounds like ending it with him would be pretty easy actually. You don't live together, aren't married, no kids together, you're financially independent. What is really stopping you from leaving?

Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 19/12/2019 22:36

I would be a little worried yes as he's said before he doesn't let go of people easily, he can ruin people's lives etc

OP posts:
Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 19/12/2019 22:37

He also said he has abandonment issues like ptsd and id be worried about what that might mean for me

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.