Major Xmas dilemma!

[OdeToDiazepam]

What would you do in this situation?

Bf who lives down the road with 2 dc. I have 2 dc too.

He's insistent that I spend Christmas Eve at his, and the night, and Christmas morning.

I have a number of issues with this. He has barely any furniture or stuff as he only recently moved in so the place is bare, dim and cold. The kitchens always a mess, there's bloody puppies as well so it's always a racket and smells.

Also I'd have to move a load of stuff over which I don't want to do, there's not enough chairs, I can't do my usual routine

Also I fear it'll be unfair with the kids as I get my dc a lot more, his dc pick on my youngest and are generally unpleasant at times.

Also I'm having to pay for all the food as he's tight on money, I'm fine with not getting a present but I have to admit it's hard not to feel a little resentful funding masses of Xmas food and drink and dinner'

Tbh I'm miserable every time I'm there atm. Tonight I went over for dinner spent nearly two hours waiting on my own feeling ill in the cold and dark as he had a call to be given dinner massively late and a child's portion so I'm still hungry!

I want to do it at my dads, he can come over for Christmas dinner maybe for a bit on Christmas Eve. I'll be more relaxed I have everything I need and they won't be here too long as it's chaos with 4 kids and I find it very stressful!

There's no solution though I either make him happy but risk having a horrible stressful Christmas as I get really low when I get stressed or I piss him off and have him unhappy at me

Well he was on a conference call for work for an hour I was annoyed that he didn't pre warn me as I'd have done dinner at mine instead

What would all of you do in my situation, what should I say to him and expect from him?

I'm asking for help

It's not a cheap house it's a 1200 a month rental he's usually well off

So a week before Christmas and he doesn't have the wherewithal to source the ingredients of a roast dinner for his kids?

I would now tell him that the relationship is over and to not contact you again.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Counselling for your own self would be helpful particularly if you learnt a lot of damaging lessons about relationships when you were growing up.

So when you've saved enough to buy your own place OP, will he be moving in?

I would do a Christmas Eve activity - nativity service at church/ festive film at the cinema/ walk in the evening looking at lit up houses followed by a pizza or McDonald’s for tea. Then go to your own homes, put the kids to bed and maybe you could pop over to his for a Christmas Eve drink if your dad is happy to babysit.
Then Christmas morning at your own homes, seems a bit unfair to leave your dad alone while he’s helping you out by letting you live with him. They all come over for dinner and games for a few hours. Put your kids new toys away in your dads room to prevent them from being broken. If it turns into chaos then it’s out for a walk or it’s a film on. Have firm boundary’s.
They can go home early evening.

He wants me to move in to his place

Stop over thinking it. It's horrible at his house, he's bloody selfish and his kids are thugs. It is not fair on your children who need a normal happy Christmas.

Tell him to get stuffed.

I would end the relationship. I would expect him to respect that. I would engage with therapy and probably the Freedom Programme to learn about healthy relationships. I would work on my assertiveness and ability to identify and act upon mine and my children's best interests.

Thank you chocolate I think I should do something like that

He won't be happy about it though

I bet he does! So you can furnish it, make it nice and warm etc. If he needs a doormat buy him one, but don’t be one!

It seems pretty unanimous that it isn't much of a dilemma OP. I can't even understand why your Christmas tree is at his, let alone taking the children there for Christmas.

Well it gets a bit complicated there but I don't want to give too much detail

so he wants you to leave your dad alone on Christmas day?

he wants you to pay for everything and cook it?

he is emotionally blackmailing you to provide a Christmas for his kids? and you are still thinking he doesn't treat you badly? to coin a mn phrase "are you on glue?"

He won't be happy about it though

Then he's not a good guy and he doesn't treat you well.

So but why exactly am I ending the relationship? He's meant to have tons of money coming in in the new year, he treats me kindly and loves me, is it just because of him pressuring me? Taking me for granted?

No actually he invited me dad to come over too but I said how can we there's no chairs for everyone or plates and cutlery and everything

And he's offering to cook it at least help too

Of course he wants you to move in. A housekeeper that pays him, what a great deal for him!

He's been a single dad for years so he wants to be a family

Good God, how depressing this whole thing is. Take people's advice.

I'm not moving in though

Is this the American boyfriend, whose lent money from yourself and your father and you’ve paid for furniture etc...