Major Xmas dilemma!

[OdeToDiazepam]

What would you do in this situation?

Bf who lives down the road with 2 dc. I have 2 dc too.

He's insistent that I spend Christmas Eve at his, and the night, and Christmas morning.

I have a number of issues with this. He has barely any furniture or stuff as he only recently moved in so the place is bare, dim and cold. The kitchens always a mess, there's bloody puppies as well so it's always a racket and smells.

Also I'd have to move a load of stuff over which I don't want to do, there's not enough chairs, I can't do my usual routine

Also I fear it'll be unfair with the kids as I get my dc a lot more, his dc pick on my youngest and are generally unpleasant at times.

Also I'm having to pay for all the food as he's tight on money, I'm fine with not getting a present but I have to admit it's hard not to feel a little resentful funding masses of Xmas food and drink and dinner'

Tbh I'm miserable every time I'm there atm. Tonight I went over for dinner spent nearly two hours waiting on my own feeling ill in the cold and dark as he had a call to be given dinner massively late and a child's portion so I'm still hungry!

I want to do it at my dads, he can come over for Christmas dinner maybe for a bit on Christmas Eve. I'll be more relaxed I have everything I need and they won't be here too long as it's chaos with 4 kids and I find it very stressful!

There's no solution though I either make him happy but risk having a horrible stressful Christmas as I get really low when I get stressed or I piss him off and have him unhappy at me

A photo can be faked.
He can tell you they were in xxx country but it could be a lie.
You have no proof of anything.
You were not there.

But
If he had money to travel with them why no money for their presents?
Why taking your card and money?
Or maybe he has taken these kids from country to country getting money off different people spinning stories

Ugh, enough of the wittering on about this barely known shag, read every post that says FOCUS ON YOUR KIDS, for fucks sake, this is just embarrassing now.

I got your timeline from your own posts, you’ve been shagging this bloke since summertime, so assuming yous aren’t psychotically seeing each other daily and dragging all these poor kids into this very very new dating relationship, yeah, you barely know each other and your kids should be far far far far out of the equation. Disgraceful.

I actually think taking back the tree was unnecessarily cruel to the children. It would not have cost much to buy a cheap tree to put up in your own place.

OP, I hope you are ignoring the more sanctimonious comments, the reason I no longer ask for advice on here is because of these people.

Life can be complicated and not straightforward. Not everyone has the benefit of experience or having had support from parents or indeed parents who were even ever there.

I hope some of you who are posting can think ‘there but for the grace of god go I’ and in your safe, structured lives see beyond your entitled lives to realise that not everyone has neither the life experience, familial education or have had the emotional support to know what you seemingly have.

I think, OP, that you are doing great and your kids have a safe, loving environment despite the odds.

I hope, you critical posters, as you are enjoying your warm, fabulous Christmas that you think of the OP who is working hard as a waitress to give her children a decent life, and keeping them safe and happy with her dad and their grandad. Can’t be easy. Be ashamed of yourselves for judging her.

Thank you for your support miniloso yes I love my kids and work very hard to support them and help my dad too

I can tell from your posts that you are doing everything you can and are a good Mum and daughter. Despite this man asking you to live with him, you didn’t. You have helped him because he seemed genuine and people close to you vouched for him. Now you are seeing all is not as it seems and are acting accordingly. You took back the tree no doubt because you couldn’t afford another one and put your kids first. They need a tree at Xmas. You are doing great. You are being strong and protecting and caring for your kids, dad and yourself as well as having empathy for his kids. It’s a difficult situation and you are doing the best you can. 👍

If nothing else he is trampling all over reasonable boundaries, and pushing things much fuller and faster than he should be,
You have clearly stated that you dont want to talk now, but he is ignoring that and still sending messages.

For your own sanity I would block him until you are ready, in your own time, to reply, because you have asked him to give you some space.

He gets angry if you disagree with him and he gets angry if you want to do stuff that doesnt focus on him.

None of that says good partner, even before you even think about the money things.

Those kids sound messed up too - you dont want them hurting your kids. Keep your kids away.

focus on your own family now.

Pictures of him with them from years ago? Travelling around different countries

There are many different landscapes and urban environments in the western US, even in California alone. There are deserts and vineyards, beaches, sub tropical forests, mountains, ski resorts, rivers, lakes.

Even if there was lots of travel, where is the money now?

Why the sudden departure from the US with no time to secure a place in a school for one of the children?

This is so weird. So, so weird. In every possible way.

Break up
Get your tv and the rest of your stuff back
Get your dad’s money back

Fuck the presents etc honestly. You should just return them and get your money back because it doesn’t seem like you have that much expendable income. Your own children come first. It’s his job to provide presents and a hot meal for his own children.

Sorry but how does he have absolutely no funds? Not enough money to go grocery shopping or give his kids hot food? It doesn’t make sense with his apparent lifestyle.

His texts are weird and clingy.

I have concerns about so many areas here... the statement about him ruining people’s lives is a low-key threat which was said to leave hanging over your head. I think this guy is as dodgy as they get. The fact that he turned up unannounced with kids to “force” you into a relationship you weren’t ready for is VERY telling. I am wondering if he took the kids to America with mum’s permission or not. He may have simply not come back. If she was kickball, it might be worth tracking her family down and getting the true picture. He’s been lying - a lot. Don’t fall for the government bullshit though. Please don’t. I think he’s an absolute fantasist.

OP i got to page 6 so haven’t RTFT fully but I feel really sad for you. Everyone has given you such a hard time when it sounds like you’re only having this problem because you’re kind and you don’t want his children to lose out. It doesn’t mean you care any less about your own kids, like some are implying and I also feel like you’re in this situation because you’re lonely and now you’re in a relationship which isn’t right for you, because it’s better than being alone. Apologies if I’m wrong, but you said you feel unhappy when you’re with him but when you’re not with him you want to because you like the idea of having company. It sounds to me like he’s just the wrong person - not a bad person (which is why you feel guilty that you’re not really into him, as he’s generally kind to you), but just the wrong person for you and your heart isn’t in it, and that’s why you feel like something is wrong. If you were really into him and his was right then you’d be thrilled about spending Xmas together. You’re right that some posters aren’t in the real world if they think that money being tight makes someone a bad person - just because he’s strapped for cash doesn’t mean he’s a scrounged or that that’s the only reason he wants to spend Xmas with you. But I do think it’s very obvious you’re not into this relationship and need to leave him or you’ll be feeling this uncertainly forever. Life is too short for a mediocre relationship. Wait until he’s paid your dad back and end things. Oh and spend Christmas with your dad - no point getting your kids too fond of him when it’s clear this isn’t right for you and shouldn’t last.

ummm he sounds like a deadbeat?

put your children first. and raise your standards for yourself.

Happy Christmas OP, and well done for what you've said.

I may be way off beam here but I also think he's a conman. I wonder if the USA is true and that he lives a double life in the UK. I had a friend who this happened too and this smacks of something similar. His story just has too many holes in it.

Wow. Ok.

Please just look after your kids, ok?