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Original poster

Major Xmas dilemma!

590 replies

OdeToDiazepam · 19/12/2019 21:03

What would you do in this situation?

Bf who lives down the road with 2 dc. I have 2 dc too.

He's insistent that I spend Christmas Eve at his, and the night, and Christmas morning.

I have a number of issues with this. He has barely any furniture or stuff as he only recently moved in so the place is bare, dim and cold. The kitchens always a mess, there's bloody puppies as well so it's always a racket and smells.

Also I'd have to move a load of stuff over which I don't want to do, there's not enough chairs, I can't do my usual routine

Also I fear it'll be unfair with the kids as I get my dc a lot more, his dc pick on my youngest and are generally unpleasant at times.

Also I'm having to pay for all the food as he's tight on money, I'm fine with not getting a present but I have to admit it's hard not to feel a little resentful funding masses of Xmas food and drink and dinner'

Tbh I'm miserable every time I'm there atm. Tonight I went over for dinner spent nearly two hours waiting on my own feeling ill in the cold and dark as he had a call to be given dinner massively late and a child's portion so I'm still hungry!

I want to do it at my dads, he can come over for Christmas dinner maybe for a bit on Christmas Eve. I'll be more relaxed I have everything I need and they won't be here too long as it's chaos with 4 kids and I find it very stressful!

There's no solution though I either make him happy but risk having a horrible stressful Christmas as I get really low when I get stressed or I piss him off and have him unhappy at me

OP posts:
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Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 19/12/2019 21:30

I think it's a bit unfair me paying for everything as it's a lot but then I think what if otherwise his kids don't get to eat nice stuff well then that makes me feel bad

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 19/12/2019 21:30

Is he getting your dc Christmas presents?

Have you agreed on a budget?

Are you doing everyone’s presents as he’s broke but only this year?

Tell us the nice things he does for you?

So far we know he doesn’t turn up on time for dates leaving you cold and feeling unwell then doesn’t actually feed you a decent meal.

Why do women do this, his kids bully yours, he treats you like shit, he spends your money (gets you to finance the lifestyle he would like to become accustomed to), but apart from that treats you so well and your lurrrvvvveeee him.

People wilfully ignore what’s in front of them don’t they.

Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 19/12/2019 21:32

He's not buying stuff for us afaik as money is tight, I'm suffering from secondary stress about whether his own kids will get stockings and presents!!

He cooks for me, offers to help me with things a lot but tbh I usually turn him down, he's very good with my children

OP posts:
category12 · 19/12/2019 21:32

he very much wants to be a family

But you're not a family - you don't live together and your family is not blended - (and don't sound at all ready to be by the way his dc treat yours).

It's trying to rush things into something it's not. Sometimes you need to take a step back and take things more slowly in order to make it work. Pushing on regardless when the situation isn't right will make it harder on everyone, and you have to put your kids first.

Stop putting his wants above what's best for them.

merryhouse · 19/12/2019 21:33

yeah, no.

Suggest to him that he concentrate on making Christmas morning great for HIS CHILDREN, then you can all have dinner together and they can go home before the kids get bored.

Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 19/12/2019 21:34

I asked my kids on the way home where do you want to spend christmas hoping they'd say my dads and giving me an easy option out but they said his place

It doesn't help that out Christmas tree is there too, I don't have one at my dads

OP posts:
Ragwort · 19/12/2019 21:35

Why on earth are you with him, honestly, I feel embarrassed for you ... are you so desperate for a man that you are prepared to be treated so badly, and allow your children to be treated badly too?

He sounds thoroughly unpleasant, does he have any good points?

Just bin him, enjoy Christmas with your children and your dad.

Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 19/12/2019 21:35

But if someone genuinely has very little money surely all you lot would feel guilty being down the road knowing some kids are missing out. If I don't do dinner for them I doubt they'd have Christmas dinner at all

OP posts:
Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 19/12/2019 21:35

He doesn't treat me badly though where's he treating me badly

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 19/12/2019 21:36

So what would his dc do if you weren’t there to finance an all singing all dancing Christmas for them?

His dc are his priority, your dc are yours

ohwheniknow · 19/12/2019 21:36

Oh dear god. Proper relationship? You're kidding, right?

Are there any decisions you make that aren't based on fear or feeling guilty?

How bad was your last relationship that you think you're onto a good thing here?

Purpleartichoke · 19/12/2019 21:36

You should not be taking your kids to your boyfriends house for Christmas. Stay home. At first I thought you just not have your kids over Christmas, because taking them
To your boyfriends house is so ridiculous I couldn’t even fathom it was under consideration. I thought it was only about where you would be

Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 19/12/2019 21:36

I know but it doesn't stop me feeling guilty
So you all think I should say we do Christmas totally separate? Even though we're in a relationship

OP posts:
category12 · 19/12/2019 21:37

What the fuck's wrong with him that he won't bother to doa Xmas dinner and stuff for his kids if you're not there to make it happen?

ohwheniknow · 19/12/2019 21:37

He doesn't treat me badly though where's he treating me badly

That's a joke, right?

ladygracie · 19/12/2019 21:37

What will your dad do if you spend Christmas with your bf? Will he be on his own?

Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 19/12/2019 21:37

There's cash flow issues on his end that have left him tight since moving here and he has no transport

OP posts:
Techway · 19/12/2019 21:38

He is insisting and that is concerning as showing no understanding of your needs. He seems selfish, focus on his wants without empathy for you.

Why isn't trying to make you happy?

Your concerns over his house readiness are valid. Be very careful as it seems he is stepping over your boundaries.

Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 19/12/2019 21:38

No I'm insisting that I'm at my dads for Christmas dinner

My offer is that maybe they come over for a bit on Christmas Eve, go back to theirs, then Christmas Day I pick them up late morning and they stay for dinner and then go back

OP posts:
MrsGrindah · 19/12/2019 21:39

You are just making excuses for him. Fine. Hopefully you will all live happily ever after. But you did ask...

justilou1 · 19/12/2019 21:40

Alarm bells are going off VERY loudly. You are not required to MAKE him happy. There is too much stress and obligation in an already new relationship. You are doing far too much wifework already, and paying for too much when you are saving for a mortgage. Please think carefully about what YOU want and put that first.

Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 19/12/2019 21:40

Don't you think I'm being a bit un generous though as I have enough money I'd like to think I can feed other people without being resentful about it it feels selfish and greedy to say no if you can't contribute you can't have any

OP posts:
Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 19/12/2019 21:41

What do I do then should I distance myself while he becomes more self sufficient

He's always treated me well in the relationship and wanted to look after me and care for me

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 19/12/2019 21:41

Are all the Christmas gifts there too?

Upon reflection I think you should indeed go to his for Christmas.
Also add him on to your bank account get him a card and pins ASAP. It’s not fair you are saving for a deposit for a house and he has no money. You should give him all yours.

And never mind your dc make sure his get presents. After all you can afford presents he says he can’t so you should give your presents to your dc to his instead.

And you’re right. Him making you wait around in the cold and dark for a tiny meal that was not filling was the ultimate sign of love.

Do not let this man go.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/12/2019 21:42

Your relationship bar is very low indeed isn’t it?

Read about codependency in relationships and see how much this relates to your own behaviours. His needs are also not more important than yours.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

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