Major Xmas dilemma!

[OdeToDiazepam]

What would you do in this situation?

Bf who lives down the road with 2 dc. I have 2 dc too.

He's insistent that I spend Christmas Eve at his, and the night, and Christmas morning.

I have a number of issues with this. He has barely any furniture or stuff as he only recently moved in so the place is bare, dim and cold. The kitchens always a mess, there's bloody puppies as well so it's always a racket and smells.

Also I'd have to move a load of stuff over which I don't want to do, there's not enough chairs, I can't do my usual routine

Also I fear it'll be unfair with the kids as I get my dc a lot more, his dc pick on my youngest and are generally unpleasant at times.

Also I'm having to pay for all the food as he's tight on money, I'm fine with not getting a present but I have to admit it's hard not to feel a little resentful funding masses of Xmas food and drink and dinner'

Tbh I'm miserable every time I'm there atm. Tonight I went over for dinner spent nearly two hours waiting on my own feeling ill in the cold and dark as he had a call to be given dinner massively late and a child's portion so I'm still hungry!

I want to do it at my dads, he can come over for Christmas dinner maybe for a bit on Christmas Eve. I'll be more relaxed I have everything I need and they won't be here too long as it's chaos with 4 kids and I find it very stressful!

There's no solution though I either make him happy but risk having a horrible stressful Christmas as I get really low when I get stressed or I piss him off and have him unhappy at me

Boarding card. Like a piece of A4 paper or (or did he go through the trouble to make it letter size) that you can knock out on a computer with a bit of photoshop. And luggage tags that are bar codes which you can’t “read” so they can be from any old flight in his name landing in Heathrow from any old time.

That’s proof, is it?

Have you ever actually seen him exit from customs at Heathrow? Not met him at the airport but witnessed him exit where only passengers exit from?

@champagneandfromage50
Do you have link to previous thread?

Well so the kids, it was taken a bit out of hand what I said, it's dim because there's lightbulbs missing, it's a bit chaotic and smelly because of the dogs and there's some mess, but there are sofas, just only 2 dining chairs

I get worried because I know he doesn't always give them a hot meal, the youngest is very skinny and has been out of school for weeks now

I'm not saying it's neglect, I don't know the full picture, they love each other and like I said he's had them for years but who knows

Yeah, that's neglect.
Report. Those children are utterly alone here.

And someone needs to look into how he ended up with custody of them because if this is how he parents, no court in any land would have approved him for full custody, and absolutely no adoption agency would give him a second look.

The adoptive mother didn't want them she's in us, he's got custody as I understand it
This just sounds really, really strange.

Was there an adoption agency involved?
You can't just take over children from a foster parent.

Justin Trudeau is PM of Canada (nothing to do with the US) who recently ran for office so I am sure had lots of meaningless selfies taken with hundreds or maybe even thousands of people.

In order to make sure your American bank cards work when you travel abroad you call the bank that issued them and inform them that you will be making transactions in another currency and another country from X date, and presto, your cards work. Not sure why someone who regularly flies back and forth wouldn't know that.

And why not set himself up with a bank account as soon as he landed. It's easy if you have a UK passport. One of my (American citizen by birth) DDs set up a French bank account when she spent half a year in France during her university days, using her Irish passport.

I like your text to him, btw, in response to his pressure to keep on talking to him.

But if someone genuinely has very little money surely all you lot would feel guilty being down the road knowing some kids are missing out. If I don't do dinner for them I doubt they'd have Christmas dinner at all

A big problem OP is that you seem to have 'rescuer' tendencies. It isn't your responsibility to ensure his kids are fed or have Christmas presents.

"You lot" - OK so instead of deflecting the behaviours onto others, why not make a NY resolution to own things you need to (self-care, care of your kids etc) and say NMP (not my problem) to all the hectic stuff that isn't for you to sort out.

Get your priorities right, and focus on things you can control, not try to boil an ocean over this random adult bloke's life responsibilities. He sounds an utter waste of space.

Give you and your kids an amazing Christmas, and don't dwell on him, I bet he doesn't think about you!!

Take a picture of his passport photo page. Have you googled his name?
Does his name on the passport match with bank statements, rental agreements etc?
Contact the police and ask for a Claire's Law check on him.
Contact social services about neglect and non-schooling of the kids. There's a huge amount here that doesn't add up and those kids are bearing the brunt of it.

Turning up unexpectedly/uninvited at the OP’s workplace with the children in tow rather suggests he left the US in a hurry ...

OP surely you must have had some inkling that this precipitate action was on the cards? Had you talked about plans for him to settle here? Mapped out a timetable? Investigated schools and childcare arrangements?

I know (more than most!) that people can find themselves in difficult situations and struggle to cope. I also know respect is a great aphrodisiac. I would find it nigh on impossible to respect a man who had behaved in the various ways you describe - particularly as regards his children.

his cards didn't work over here right, he said there were blocks and stuff
Op for business I travel to US, Europe (inc Russia) and all over Asia. My trusty RBS card works everywhere. Nowadays cards generally work everywhere. Plus you don't rock up in a new country with kids in tow without checking fitst.

OP...he is not the problem here you are. You are allowing yourself and your father to be used,conned,abused and ripped off. You just seem so blinded to stay on this course at the risk of loosing your own sanity and fucking up your kids lives nothing anyone will say will help you.I am sorry to be so harsh but blimey lady you are a mother.What will it take for you to see the harm being done to you and your kids and the family if you stay in this relationship.The buck stops with you to protect your kids and by continuing this charade you are as culpable as anything he is doing.I cannot read anymore of this drama ...you are ridiculous..he has seen you coming and taken the piss totally.You need to learn to value yourself and your kids...Not much bothers me on mumsnet except people who mistake sex for love and go along with anything at what ever cost ..........fucking scandalous all of it.You need to get your head and priorities right and provide a happy,safe,stable warm nurturing enviroment for your kids to thrive..and that is not going to happen whilst you are so tangled up in this crap.I am really sorry to be so harsh but what is it going to take to get you to see sense? Would you want this for your kids really? Is this the dream of happily ever after and true love? Are you being worshipped and treated like a lady?Are you being spoilt and made to feel like you are the only thing on earth that matters to him? Do you trust him?Do you respect him? Does he make you feel like you are floating on a cloud and that he is just everything to you ? Where is the laughter and the fun? What memories are you making to look back on when you are old and grey? Is this really what forever looks like to you? cos thats what it should be....plans,adventures, laughter ,fun,feeling like nothing else in the world would ever matter.Making plans for what you can do,achieve and be together.Happy times,millions of them with the kids....Look we all make mistakes no one is perfect but we do learn and put the mistakes right.Only a fool keeps going ....you will never be happy with this and you should be happy. All the threads in the world with endless advice won;t help you if you dont help yourself and your kids escape this....

OP please please for you for your kids for your future ...escape this. You so deserve to be happy to have someone who treats you well and with kindness.You just deserve more...you really do.Look after yourself...I am sorry I sounded harsh but I am angry for you.No one should treat you like you have been treated.You are worth so much more.....You do sound so caring and lovely but you have lost your head and your way.This man is so not the right one for you in any way.Mr right will be out there and waiting for you I promise you...and then you will really know what it is like to be loved properly. Good luck going forward ...

No I remember rather clearly you said that the second child lived with your partners mother in the US still. Why was your last thread removed?

Sorry but I just don't believe this, if this situation is true then you really need to put your children first. But I'm afraid there's just too many loose ends and dodgy facts which you have mebtioned in the last thread.

I think the last thing you do involving this man is call Social Services and make them aware of these children who seem to be neglected and likely to be under the radar of any official agency. A good parent doesn’t uproot his kids to another country with no finances to live in a cold empty flat.

On the other thread there was one child and op was worried about not being able to take them to school.

Op you are a strong person. You are providing for your kids, working and studying. Dont forget this. Leave him be. He's an adult and his life is his to sort out just like you've sorted yours.

Break it off. Concentrate on yourself . You are half way there.

I never ever said the other child was in the us I said they were staying at home as no school place

Thank you to kind pp,

As stated, I'm not living with him, I'm not speaking to him, I'm not seeing him now, we're doing Christmas seperately, I have my tree back

There's no need to worry

Yes I know it doesn't add up, I don't know what the truth is, I can show more messages and you'll see what I mean

Have you seen the 'Dirty John' documentary or drama? You should. If this is true he sounds like a fantasist/conman/psychopath. Read up on psychopaths. They can be very charming, but they have no qualms about lying, using people, or reinventing themselves.

Did you tell him about your previous abusive relationship? Rather than treating you well to make up for past abuse he's been given valuable information about how vulnerable you are. Don't give him any more information about your past, your weaknesses etc.

You appear to still believe he's told you the truth. I hope you're just working through it all in your head rather than actually defending this bizarre bullshit. No one wants to feel foolish. Don't worry about that. Google sunk costs fallacy. Concentrate on congratulating yourself on extracting you and your kids from a potentially dangerous situation.

I didn't ask for him to move here for the record, i told him If I'd have known it was going to be this I would have said don't bother

The banging he's referring to me getting my tree back

So there was an argy bargy when you came to get your tree back?

He is future faking and trying to guilt you into a relationship. He is trying to make you see his 'emotions' as separate from his intentions. (This is also known as 'making juvenile excuses').

Why is he napping a few days before Christmas when one of his children is at home from school - supervised by...? - and there are puppies in the house, no apparent Christmas dinner or even enough furniture for everyone to sit down and eat one?

Where is all this money he’s talking about coming from?

What does does he do?

He got angry and shouted a bit, I didn't react I just got my tree

I think, if he actually were genuine, he would have gracefully backed out, wished you well with your future life and gone quiet.

All this to and froing shows that he thinks he can still engage with you, still get you back 'on side'. He's talking for his life here.

Block him now. If you run into him in the street, a curt nod will do. You don't need to listen to him justifying himself.

JKScot4 it was deleted by MN as they were looking behind the scenes and didn't re appear

Just out of interest, what does his Facebook look like ? (pretty sure I can guess the answer to this)

It’s all so ... intriguing.

I mean, if he really had the sort of life you’ve described to us - high flying, well paid, well connected - then he would, quite naturally and without any drama, have put in place a viable relocation plan. After all, people move their families from the US to England every day. Often they post on MN a year or eighteen months before the proposed move, seeking additional advice on areas to live, schools, facilities, resources, etc. Then they (or their employers) rent a house, and thus have an address from which to apply at the right time for school places.

Again, I must state that it’s perfectly possible to live a more chaotic life and flit from place to place without a plan - a situation often imposed by lack of money or poor mental health or an inability to look after oneself. But this isn’t the man you’ve described.