Support thread-trapped in an unhappy relationship and can’t leave/can’t leave yet

[Idontkowmyname]

I thought I might start a thread to help those of us trapped in unhappy relationships over the stressful Xmas/New Year period. Have a moan, have a rant, debrief and hopefully feel less isolated/alone when it appears everyone else is playing happy families.
Ironically saw something on Facebook which said stop comparing your outtakes to everyone else’s highlight reels which I thought was quite apt given the time of year.

@seekingfreedom I’m so sorry about what you are going through.

Can women’s aid help you? It sounds like it will be difficult to get through lockdown without the relationship ending and that wouldn’t be safe for you. Would he know to look for you at your mums? Are there any friends you could stay with?

@seekingfreedom I'm so sorry... Is your mum better now?
I'd be inclined to say that if you've had no symptoms and the kids and you are otherwise weel that you should go to hers anyway, quite frankly that sounds like an essential journey to me.
You're at more risk there than the risk of spreading the virus between you and your mum.
Keep posting, keep standing firm.

@seekingfreedom how are you? Are you making a move?

Thank you soooo much for posting this thread, just what I need. I decided in January that i will go into counseling to figure out what to do with my marriage. I wanted my husband to join too, of course, but he refused. I though I was making progress when this stupid lock down started and I am now stuck with husband 24/7. I want a divorce, I am quite certain of that now, but have no courage to say it out loud. Plus I would have to wait until after the lock down is lifted. Feeling trapped.

@loveyourself2020 welcome! This lockdown is a physical sense of being trapped unlike the mental sense we’ve all had isn’t it? it’s not easy, take this time to get practical things in order like searching for a decent lawyer, talking to as many as possible so his options are limited etc. Plan what your new life would look like! I’ve started Pinterest boards for what my dream house would look like (without the current addition of failed DIY from DP). Find your old self, take time to read, listen to music, new hobby etc. It’s not easy but we’re all here to support you.

SodaSodaBanana thank you so much. My husband just approached me saying that we need to talk about "this". And I know we do but when he said it i froze. I could not breathe. The idea of saying what I want, I guess starting this process paralyzes me. Also, how would we separate now? Where would we go? Oh God, why did it have to be like this?

Good luck try staying strong and confident in what ur saying. Don’t show weakness to him otherwise he has the upper hand. It will get better it has to x

@SodaSodaBanana what is going on with your life? I am sorry I did not realize that you are also going through a difficult time.

@loveyourself2020 you can pretty much guarantee we’re all pretty much in the same place on the thread. I’m fine thanks for asking. I told DP I wanted to split and had been putting it off. But it felt great (once I was hiding in bed), the childishness and stupidity is not annoying me so much even in lockdown as I know it’s short term. Every week I make a step towards the life I want for the kids and me, I got furloughed this week so I’m just going to try and enjoy time with the kids (and relearning equations for home schooling).

@sodasodabanana thankyou, nothing is really happening at the moment. I tried to contact a company today that do non molestration orders to remove him but they email me back saying I need to call. I just couldn't, frozen with fear yet again. I'm freezing quite alot recently.
Husband did ask the other night if everything is ok in our marriage, again I froze as I just can't bring myself to say it isn't. Plus I feel if I told him he would explode in anger and put me in a vulnerable position before I'm ready.
I will give it another try tomorrow when he's out at work. You might need to start calling me Elsa if I keep freezing haha.
Another clue this evening with our son, he asked me if daddy is at work tomorrow,I said yes and he did a victory dance around his bedroom. Husband shouts so much at him, husband had only been home 15 minutes from work earlier and our son was in tears as he wasn't eating his dinner correctly - husband shouted so many times at him. He's 6, they play up at the dinning room table! FFS.

I need to do this for my son. Need to find some big girl knickers and get sorted. Easier said then done though isn't it.

I just spoke with my husband and told him how unhappy and dissatisfied I was. It was so hard for me, I though I will get heart attack. Nothing new happened, that I did not expect. He said he was shocked that I came to this, practically ready for divorce (although I did not say it). Although I talked to him before, starting years ago, trying to make him understand what it is that I am missing. This did not come suddenly, not for me. After half an hour or so of talking all he came up with was, "what are you going to tell people, why we are divorcing. I did not do anything?", "have you in all this thought about the children, what you will do to them" and " did you think about financial burden this will put on you? Did you weight what you are gaining vs, what you are loosing". I cannot even put in words what I think about his reaction. He did not for a moment stop to listen to me, feel me, understand me. he was saying I "blame" him, he was shocked I said the other day that I felt "abused" emotionally, and that I do not love him, because i said that I try to evoke emotion, establish emotional connection with him but could not. Anyway, just like always there was no understanding between us. We have been together 25 years, it is sad, I am sad that we have come to this, but I just cannot do it anymore, I am tired and empty. But what now. How are we going to survive this stupid quarantine?.

That was very brave of you. Now you just work out logistics, who’s moving out ? The financial side of it, if it’s you think where u can go when lockdown finishes, look on Internet sort out who’s taking what and just try and stay amicable if u can but try and not give him mixed signals during this time

I am now beginning to lose my marbles with this whole lockdown situation and having to be confined with DP with two DC who do not know we are splitting ...and DP who has no intention of going anywhere for as long as poss. Some strength and wise words from any of you would be most welcome. I am now in my eldest's room as he is away so it's me that has had to make the exit from our bed because of course DP continues to fail to accept anything has changed. I disappear here as soon as he DC go to bed. I'm trying to have my own little comforting routine, but trying not to be on my phone too late at night otherwise I don't sleep. Trying to be grateful that we are well and safe and take pleasure in smalll things but I can feel myself being just so low in mood now. Having spoken to my lawyer the best she could suggest is that I try to get him to move out by literally giving him a wedge of money to rent somewhere. She admitted the situation and timing is just terrible. No courts operational very much atm and to apply to the courts to get him to go from a jointly owned property (that he can't afford to buy) is going to take ages. Meanwhile I am listening to loud music that he puts on all the time, coexisting with him and his habits when I have now decided I have totally had enough of him... listening to lots of family bickering and there is no end in sight. To even broach asking about his next steps when he is likely to be agitated and angry about me even bringing this up, seems in this situation like it may just aggravate an already awful living situation. Trying to keep plodding on with this...

What about trying to write it down . First make a list of things that need to be discussed practical things, access to children , money and then another like a diary writing all your thoughts whether it be anger annoyance depression just all ur thoughts of the day put it on paper and it might make you feel less like ur losing ur marbles . That’s what I do and it helps

Thank you @San1809. Good idea. I am doing a lot of those things in my head but not physically. I do worry about DP finding it though! I will try that and keep it safe. One issue is that DP appears to continue to have his head buried in the sand. I am in any room of the house mentally listing what's mine and his as he won't have a clue and if I present this kind of thing to him he is not there or even near there with any of his thinking. I am an organiser and planner so a state of limbo is unbearable. I will start the lists, albeit some of them don't have ideal solutions, and many, like child access, rest on Dp actually making decisions - like where and when he is working, which continue to be 'up in the air' - one of the many reasons I can't be with him any more.

@marly11 I know what you mean about the mental inventory! I’ve started to put plastic bin bags over the clothes I hardly wear - he thinks it’s for storage - and I’ve been rearranging the bookcase too.

Yep. All his books have been moved to one book case. So that I know what's mine as he will have no memory - mine is very precise - his is very vague. I can literally remember every piece of furniture I had from before we were together l and its story. I don't think he's noticed! 😂

If your worried about the practical things written down on lists write it on ur phone. As for the diary each day after it’s written out somewhere like part of ur books where he wouldn’t find it. If he doesn’t rummage in the kitchen put it somewhere in there be imaginative. Good luck

I'm having the conversation with DH tonight...
However, now panicking, over covid, shutdown, the fact he earns so much more than me and could get nasty, say he wants the kids with him (practically he couldn't and they'd hate it but.. ) and sellibg/remortgaging the house, as getting our rate down was my only hope of affording it alone... Now I'm thinking that if the price of the house goes through the floor, we could be stuck here indefinitely together...

Still, I know it has to be done. He's pulled out all the stops, cooked a nice meal etc.. But I just don't want to be here with him.

Just keep strong and do what your gut says. The children you will get whatever and if he earns a lot he can afford to pay for his children. Not everything is going to fall in together straight away it will take time. Maybe you won’t be able to buy but rent , get in touch with the homeless peopke( obviously when lockdown is finished), stay with friends or family just get out with ur children and then things will fall into place. He will try pulling out all the stops cos he can at the moment when lockdown is done he will go back to his old ways so stay strong and go with ur heart

Thanks.
Well I did it, was horrible but I do feel relieved.
He's cooked a wonderful meal, made an effort with candles etc.. Just made me feel guilty and worse for stringing him along.
He sat in silence, said nothing.
But I guess it'll dink in over the next few weeks. I went to bed but he stayed up as nd drank, he's not up twat. We've now got a n enforced period of bei g nice to each other I guess, before one of us moves out.
It's a ll scary, renting is nearly as expensive as our mortgage... I guess we won't have to think about that until the summer though, now.

Yes renting is as expensive but you can claim housing benefit to either help with the mortgage or the rent and council tax and that’s what their there for. U shouldn’t worry about it particularly but if he won’t go just get out as quick as possible go to a friend, go homeless and they will find u somewhere to family and if ur just stopping temporarily put all ur things into a storage unit so it’s out of the house. Look to see how much storage unit it do some investigating but stay strong find out where things are so u know where to go. The homeless are working that u could ring them to find out what can be done once lockdown is over.

Thanks. Thing is I earn alright (teacher) but we live in the south East so rent is ridiculous, like 1200 for a 3 bed house.
Our mortgage is a bit more than that but I'm not elegible for anything other than CB.
He earns a fair wedge, I think if I went back full time as I do 4 days currently, then if I were to get some CM I could affordd the mortgage, he'd still have hundreds, if not thousands spare each month after bills.
I guess I'm just fretting about the practical stuff as at the moment DH is silent, is refusing food and is looking like a broken man.
I feel terrible but I'm resolute and feel so relieved.. Just know that there's worse to come.

Just keep strong

Hope everyone is safe and well.

My husband said something chilling today - as usual, he was groping my breasts/putting his hands inside my knickers while I was making lunch, told him to leave me alone and he turned round and said - Your my wife, to have and to hold....I can have and hold you any time I want....your my wife.

Oh my, the shivers, I dont know if its because of the whole situation lockdown thing or that I have more knowledge of his actions now but every movement he does really puts my senses on edge.