Support thread-trapped in an unhappy relationship and can’t leave/can’t leave yet

[Idontkowmyname]

I thought I might start a thread to help those of us trapped in unhappy relationships over the stressful Xmas/New Year period. Have a moan, have a rant, debrief and hopefully feel less isolated/alone when it appears everyone else is playing happy families.
Ironically saw something on Facebook which said stop comparing your outtakes to everyone else’s highlight reels which I thought was quite apt given the time of year.

@marly11 @stegasaurusmum there’s definite progress there. Feeling stronger in yourself will make the practical things easier.

I have days when I feel like I am in control and changing my life and the kids for the better and days I have doubt. I have stopped feeling sorry for DP and am now feeling anger that it has got to this, that I will look like the bad guy but if he wasn’t such an arse we’d be fine.

In an act of petty revenge, I haven’t told him he has a hair growing out of the top of his nose. It’s only little, but he’s quite insecure about getting old. When I see it, it cheers me up a bit.

@SodaSodaBanana 🤣. You did make me chuckle.

@Stegasaurusmum that does sound like progress. Not to have someone pawing at you is major progress and is a relief I know. I did say this at one of our counselling sessions - that I actually felt a weight has been lifted by knowing that I had removed that 'expectation' and could just go to sleep not feeling guilty that I was rejecting unwelcome advances. And like you, yes, feeling like the sexual attraction had never been that great - in fact I have thought for years that in early days it was more self created and about what I imagined he was and our relationship was. I'm sure the OM situation is adding to stress too - the thought of going to work and having more relationship stress just sounds overwhelming but I do wonder whether with anyone once you are in the daily trivia and house sharing - seeing all their bad habits, whether it could be as exciting as the initial stages or the forbidden... work is an escape for me at the moment!

Thought I would just reach out to see how people are coping. Things seem a bit tense out in the real world and then coming home to further issues can’t be helping any of us

Yes I have been wondering about everyone too and it would be good to hear any positives as well as how those that are still stuck are managing. February felt a more positive month as I made plans and felt like I was moving forward. But this month feels very stressful. I don't seem to be able to find any time without DC around to say clearly and explicitly to DP that we are finished. And to try to force him in to making moves to alter his life accordingly so that I can change mine. He knows and is avoiding it and pretending all is ok. To most people, I think, what I have said, that I can see no future in our relationship, and the way I am behaving, would be enough for them to want to be well away. I am feeling so anxious now and frustrated that I am still stuck sharing his life. I'm disappearing off to bed early every night just so I don't have to spend time with him but with DC often listening and not settling for hours it's impossible. I just want it all over with. It's not easy but of course DPs general inaction is one of my biggest issues, so I guess I should not be surprised!

@Idontkowmyname what did you decide about the move and possible relocation issue?

@Idontkowmyname You're soooooo silly.

@izzywizzygood what did I do??

@marly11 still in limbo land even although a decision should have been made.

Limbo is exactly how I've describe how I'm feeling. On one hand I just want to do something, anything, to stop it.. Running away to OM, ending my marriage, trying to sleep with him and get 'IT' back, if we ever had it...
Just something.

I too avoid, cevery evening. Pop out to see friends, work, baths, early nights.... Anything.
My antidepressants are helping but I can't stay on them forever..

Sorry not to have been back here. I posted a while ago.
Married nearly 25 years. DC at uni. Done the personal counselling, had disastrous Relate sessions last year. Not much left to do.

Told him about a year ago I no longer loved him. His behaviour is still v controlling, erratic, blows hot and cold, eggshells etc. Isolated me from family (although have wised up to this, and stay in contact with them even more) but cannot have my friends over while he’s around. He takes control of all finances and gives me housekeeping. Has never wanted me to go back to work. And I believed him!! 🤦🏼‍♀️

I’m on ADs and have been since a June last year. Looking at places to rent on my own. Signed up to Rightmove but have yet to actually visit anything. Need to make that step.

But...but... I’ve found a local Freedom Programme to attend. It’s been brilliant. Really really good. Far better than the online version (for me anyway). If you think it’s worth a go, try it.

Will try and come back more regularly. Apologies for radio silence.

@ByeByeMissAmericanPie that sounds horrible...
Here is a great place to get support.
I've made a very big decision today, to tell DH that I'm done.
I'm not being fair to him. I can't stop how I feel about OM and I'm not treating him kindly or with respect, he deserves better.

Going to speak to him Sunday, then counselling on Monday, where he thinks we will get a magic wand I think.

Hoping I'm able just to be honest about how I'm feeling and make him understand its just fear and guilt keeping me here, he deserves more than that.

So scared. But oddly relieved. Going to be tough tough times ahead.

Aw thanks @Stegasaurusmum. I’ve read most of the updates and applaud you on your commitment. Will your DH be ok with your announcement? I get the (temporary) feeling of relief.

Mine will probably go batshit at the news, so I need to make my move before I tell him. Has yet to be physical with me, but I gather it happens all too often.

When I told him last year I’d re drafted my will, he shouted back “Why didn’t you tell me?? “. Erm because you’re a controlling twat.

I can't imagine hell be OK with it. But it's been several years of general floating along, me falling for someone else but trying to ignore it, us having umpteen conversations where he buried his head, then 1 counselling session, me now stopping having sex and avoiding physical contact, being on antidepressants and telling him I don't know if the feelings can come back..
So I don't think it'll be a surprise. He's not controlling but he does have a mean streak. Right now he's bring meek and doing everything visible to step up with the kids, housework, etc.
He's not a bad man but I just don't think there was enough there to weather this storm.
It's not going to be plain sailing and I think it could take months. But one way or another we will be happier. Together or apart... Apart hopefully but possibly amicable.

I completely understand the physical contact situation. We pretty much sleep apart. When we do end up in the same bed, I’m on my side, facing away on the edge of the bed! I can bear the odd peck on the cheek.

Our situation has come about because of the financial and verbal abuse. How on earth do you find someone like that attractive?? It’s utterly killed it for me.

Tbh, the end of the marriage has been written on the wall for a couple of years, but H has continued to stick his head in the sand, and Has refused to acknowledge the situation. Anything he can’t control, he loses his shit over.

@Stegasaurusmum how did it go? did you get the chance to speak to him? I did it this weekend after so many weeks of not managing it and never getting the opportunity. Having told friends I'm sure they felt I would never actually do it. It want lack of will but lack of opportunity... and dread of course. It seems very sad but there is no going back - too much had died for me after lots of his problems, MH issues, lack of action and manchild behaviour. No fireworks, and this time he does seem to have taken it in. But whether or not we see actual action I don't know as it needs to be DP that makes other living arrangements. Once he does that we will tell the DC - that is the bit that is making me feel sick. 🙁 I keep rehearsing it and know that one will cry incessantly and perhaps make it worse for his sibling.

@marly11 that's progress, well done. One step at a time. I just have to keep thinking about the next thing, the next, etc.. I'm doing it Sunday, at least going to introduce it again.. Then relate, first session Monday.. Hoping over the sessions we can get to the point where I can say it out loud. He's nowhere near on the same page as me, so I guess will just want to carry on 'trying'.
We have a spare room so I'll move into that pretty soon I think.
Dreading it, going to take it slow but at the same time I font want to drag out the agony or give him false hope.
Lots changing for some of us, it's good and terrifying...

Its been 2 weeks now since my husband last had a drink. Things have been a tiny little bit better though he is still so clingy/needs attention which really grates on me. I thought the agression was linked to the drinking as the last few weeks have been quite smooth running, no shouting or walking on egg shells etc but then yesterday he had a massive go at me for booking a hair dressers appointment for Saturday afternoon when he is off work. He works shifts and we rarely get a weekend together (1 in every 7-8 weeks) but I can only book the hair dressers on a saturday and he needs to be home to look after DS. I wouldnt mind but my appointment has been on the calendar for 6 weeks and I did remind him last week about it. Oh well.
Just reconfirms my decision to leave him eventually. I dont love him, he is just a friend and the father to our child. I hate sex with him (oh hes still saying - oh i will sh*g that to every women we drive past), he can be quite forceful, and if we dont do what he wants - he either goes into a silent mood or throws his toys out of the pram in a proper paddy.
Saving as much of my wage as possible. I defo recommend getting a separate bank account, I have manage to save more than i did when i had my wage paid into the joint one. I just put half the bills into the joint account on payday. Once I have enough, I am out of here. Idealy by the end of the year but I think it will be more like 2021.

So all in all, day to day, live right now is bareable......for now.

@seekingfreedom well it sounds like progress. I spoke to my counsellor today, I did say I thought that even if we'd had counselling years ago, I think this might have been inevitable, it might be better and bearable, almost fun/happy at times. But it's never been enough really.
I don't want bearable, I want to feel like I can be me without this crushing guilt over me of not really loving him, and wanting someone else... Because I'd just resent him more eventually because of that.

So, next week, wheels in motion, I have to start. It's going to be horrible, but I will get there, say by day.

Whoa!! I need HELP, I have no idea what to do now.

Massive issues around sex again with him pestering all day for it (last had it Thursday lunchtime after giving in to demands). I've had the silent treatment most of the day and then when he does speak it's all about him or if I try and respond he says doesn't matter and goes silent again.

In bed, (I have to go to bed when he's tired, not when I am tired) he just said - shall we get you some sleeping pills so I can have sex with you while your asleep? OMG I have no words. I just said no way, then the pestering started again so I gave in.

I feel really stuck now. I could manage on my own with my current wage but the industry I work in has seen a massive downturn in business since this virus and we've just had to accept a big paycut or face redundancy. I can not manage on my own with my new wage. Crap crap crap. If he thinks sleeping pills are the answer what else is he thinking.

Oh and I take back my post below about not drinking, he's broke his promise to me and our son and drank Thursday/Friday and tonight because HE was stressed about MY job. Idoit.

@seekingfreedom that is not on at all. Why do you have to go to bed when he's tired?
Could you sleep on the sofa maybe? I wouldn't share a bed with him.
Is there no way you can manage, have you checked to see what maintenance from him you'd get, single persons council tax, cb, tax credits?
The virus thing should hopefully be short lived, could you take redundancy to get a deposit etc together then look for another job?
If he says that again, tell him it would be rape.

I stopped having sex back in Jan... I used to enjoy it but only once I got physical pleasure from it and only when I could fantasize about it not being him. My DH is a perfectly decent, hardworking man, who I just don't really love anymore. He'd never ores sure me into sex, but he would guilt me or sulk if we didn't.
Still, me saying, I'm not oreoared to do this anymore, because it makes me feel bad... Weight lifted.
Felt such a relief to say, I feel uncomfortable, sad and not fulfilled in any way, it's making the feelings of ick worse, I'm not doing it anymore.

You are worth more than giving in to his ermands. You're not a wank sock, you're deserve better.

@Stegasaurusmum thankyou, i have actually just had a look at the benefit calculator and it looks like i can just manage, few cut backs but it will be worth it. We have alot of credit card debt so that takes a big chunk out but I think I would still be just ok.....will have to use our push bikes more/walk more places and plan things in one go etc as the car is in his name and he will take the payments over so thats one thing less to worry about.

I forgot about the single discount for council tax which also makes things a little better. I think I can do this, just need a kick up the back side to do it. I am not a person who takes confrontation, I always serve an argument if possible, this is going to be so hard to do but I need to do it.

I am still in shock after his comment last night.

Just had the morning from hell with dh and the dc today. I’m just so over him. I feel here is the only place where people understand it’s not just as simple as leaving immediately if you are in an unhappy relationship.
I only wish that finances were better.
Beyond exhausted by it all to be honest.
@seekingfreedom I’m so so sorry you are experiencing so much horrific behaviour from someone who is meant to love you. I’d also recommend getting some more formal support whether individual counselling, women’s aid etc.

DH has been lovely the last few days... But I just can't generate any feelings for him apart from ick. Just nothing. Pity, disrespect, disgust... All those. Just can't keep on treating him like this.
Going to speak to him tonight. Then counselling tomorrow, first session
Then one more before my individual counselling which finishes... So maybe within a fortnight or so I can tell him exactly how I'm feeling.

I just don't want to try anymore. I've been trying to create feelings for him for 6 years, on and off, whilst fighting feelings for someone else, just tired.
Hoping I feel the relief of saying it and feel less down, this might give me the extra push to keep going. It's so hard, I've not got to the point where its so bad that it's clear cut... And other people might be willing to put up with what I have, because he's a good man, we have a lovely life.. But I just can't.