Support thread-trapped in an unhappy relationship and can’t leave/can’t leave yet

[Idontkowmyname]

I thought I might start a thread to help those of us trapped in unhappy relationships over the stressful Xmas/New Year period. Have a moan, have a rant, debrief and hopefully feel less isolated/alone when it appears everyone else is playing happy families.
Ironically saw something on Facebook which said stop comparing your outtakes to everyone else’s highlight reels which I thought was quite apt given the time of year.

@seekingfreedom I'm sorry to hear hear there is little improvement for you. This is abusive and for you I guess what you are having to do is separate your mind and body because in the circumstances you feel you have no option but to tolerate being groped - just horrible. Is there any way you may be able to move yourselves to somewhere else? I remember you were trying to organise something with your family. Since you are fearful, understandably, of his anger if you upset him, it does sound like you need to get away or to at the very least have people to talk to to keep your mind clear about how unacceptable this abuse of your body is. No one has a right to be pushing their hands into your clothes like this. I'm sorry. It's not right and you deserve much better. I hope you manage to get away from this soon.

Hi there was a thing on tv about Abu is I’ve relationships in this time and there is help women’s aid ,police ,refuges . No one should put up with this behaviour and even as husband and wife if he tries to have sex against ur wishes it’s still rape. I know u don’t want to go down that route but if your scared of him and he won’t leave you alone it’s an option. I would firstly try and go somewhere family/friends and if not try the other options . Stay strong

How is everyone coping? 10 days since I posted that I'd told him, I'm sure I've been thtough every emotion going.
7 days after I told him he said he'd accepted it, that it was OK. Even thanked me for being the one to end it... We had a good chat, he cried so much, I felt awful, but so relieved. Spoke to a friend the day after and he said I just sounded so much lighter, happier. I was, I felt like it was the right decision.
But then since then he's been so sad, then he's got ill, coughing and feeling rotten, so I feel horribly guilty, he's not sleeping, barely eating and drinking too much.
I've been feeling really overwhelmed about everything, the house, telling the children, everything.
It just feels like such a massive task now, when we can't do anything for weeks.

Trying not to panic, trying to remember the relief I felt, all the times I've decided and the times I've told him too.

I'm still second guessing myself over and over, but that's normal, it's to be expected. Just hope I don't drive myself mad, as we are stuck inside for another week and a half now, due to his symptoms.
Just trying to carve out a little bit of time for myself, in the evenings, plus being civil and kind to each other. Our DDs 10th birthday today, which was hard, but another hurdle done I guess.

Sorry to hear he became unwell but don’t let his illness blind you to how you was feeling. U will always have some sort of feeling for him as he is the father of your children but just keep strong and although they’re saying another 3 weeks minimum of lockdown there is help out there now if you can’t do it anymore. It’s on the tv all the time . Do what’s best for you but keep strong x

Hello, can I join please?
To summarise, I emigrated reluctantly, to NZ from London 6 months ago with my kiwi husband and 2 primary aged kids. Our 13 year relationship was ok - some problems but we muddled through.
However, I hate living here, feel very isolated (before isolation was a thing!), resent him for pushing the move on me and he is different here than he was at home. He has always been different when he's with his family. They are hard drinking, partying, intrusive whereas I am much more private and introverted (and a light drinker).
I'm very depressed and think (just realised this week) peri menopausal, so can't see the wood for the trees and don't know how I feel about him.
If we were to split up it would be even worse - here on my own, but only having the kids half the time. I can't take the kids back on my own. They would resent me forever.

A year ago I had the perfect life, more friends than I appreciated until I left, part time job, beautiful house, busy life, great p/t job, we were comfortable financially. Now I have the kids and pain.

As soon as lockdown is over I'm going to see someone about the depression/peri menopause. Maybe that will help.

The long version
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3877702-Just-need-to-share-no-solution

Thank you and love to everyone in lockdown hell x

Welcome @Witchesandwizards I read your original post. It’s a tricky one isn’t it that you both want to be in different places.

I know lots of people we’re saying 6 months isn’t long - and it’s really not in terms of making friends - I would concentrate on making your own circle, giving you an outlet, an alternative to going to the drinking sessions and perspective. Having something that’s just yours - a social group, job, hobby might make things a little better.

I would def recommend seeing a GP about your hormones and depression. I would have done something sooner if I had sorted my mood swings earlier.

I know you have a lot of legal hurdles if you do decide to leave (that and the forthcoming economic crashes) so you need to be sure if it’s NZ or your DH and you’ll need to be strong. Do some things for yourself, it might make things a little bit easier.

Hi all... Things are v v odd here since we've talked about separation. We talked a little about money and where he's going to live, he has some mad idea about putting 120k on the mortgage and both of us paying it thenbuying a flat. For that he's only going to get a 1 bed, I know he wouldn't be happy there and I don't even think we'd get the mortgage with the way things are. Our LT V would be screwed.
So I'm hoping he'll agree to getting the mortgage payments down and me paying it, him renting just for now, then selling in a couple of years.
Aside from this which is all very amicable, we have just been acting like a normal couple, just with no eye contact or affection. I keep doubting myself as we are working really well together just getting on with it... But then I look at him and get this cribgy horrible feeling of ick.. I just can't think of him sexually any more.
I've lost respect, he's so meek and passive.. Its so sad.

I don't know how we can carry on like this for much longer, both of us are just keeping separate.. But then we have at least 3 weeks of this now... Nothing can change.

Were doing more counselling this week and next, individual sessions.. I'm hoping it helps him, as I often think he's got no one to talk to and he just seems beaten...

I feel so responsible for him, like I am now worried about how he's going to cope on his own etc..

Just a mix of emotions, constantly.

Glad ur continuing the counselling and ur trying to talk but do remember at the end of all this he might change his mind and could just be saying it. Just try and keep positive and think the end is going to come. Keep strong

I am hoping to join you all here. My situation is a little different which I think complicates things but I will try my best to explain things but ultimately I want out of this and can't figure out how to untangle myself from the mess.

Our situation: DH and I are long distance and he is currently based overseas. We have never lived properly together but would come and go to visit one another regularly. He has a job where he does have to travel a lot (one day here and another day somewhere else and so on over long periods) but we always keep in touch every day over the phone and through Facetime and when he has a gap in work we visit each others countries.

Now, obviously, he has no work because him and his team cannot travel due to the lockdown. He is ultimately stuck at home in his country and I am at home in mine, although I do work part time and am considered essential.

There have been problems for a long time, especially regarding sex. I don't want to drip feed but it would be too long to explain right now. In short my already high sex drive has stayed the same while his already high drive has gotten higher since work ran dry (we are talking 1-2 times a day here already) and the pressure keeps growing and growing. It is difficult enough because there is long periods of no actual physical contact but we do other things to make it work. Anyway, it causes arguments to the point where even flirting with him and not putting out straight away causes huge arguments.

Another is that he is controlling and doesn't like to feel I am doing anything without him. Since we met my social life has reduced to zero. I don't see friends as much anymore, no social media (when I had my own following with my art on Instagram, all old friends and family on facebook, twitter, talked on various band and music and art forums), it's all gone. He slowly chipped away and it was only before Christmas I realised he had chipped away at it with his jealousy and even before lockdown I was totally isolated.

He is quick to anger. I feel I can't do anything without him arguing about it. If I take too long to reply to a message, if I wear more makeup than usual, if I don't tell him what I am doing (going to the store or even just to check dinner). Little things that in day to day life don't matter.

There is a huge backstory filled with lies and deceit on his part. Not cheating but misleading me about many things in his life which any normal person would have ended a relationship over. But I stayed and kept working through things with him. I have tried very, very hard to work on our relationship and not just leave but although he has stopped lying and abusing substances there are still so, so many problems happening and I am exhausted. I can't keep changing the things he has asked me to change only for him to move the goalposts only minutes later. I dread him waking up and getting calls from him. I am relieved when he hangs up or goes to sleep.

It would be easy just to shut down the internet and never go back but there are a lot of finances involved. When I leave he threatens to kill himself. Accuses me of wanting to be with other men (believe me, I am never having another relationship again after this mess). Uses his children and them missing me as a reason.

But in many ways I love him still. I want to support him and for him to get better and thrive and for us to be happy. Especially now after being so successful at work and having it ripped away, yet the problems were before that anyway. But after nearly 3 years of this I am so tired. I miss it when he was more nice than nasty. When flirting didn't mean expectations. When I would literally fall asleep talking because I didn't want to miss a moment with him.

I don't know how to fix any of this. And yet I dont know how to leave either.

It must be awful living like that. Have you tried explaining all of this to him telling him you don’t want to fall out or get into an argument or perhaps writing it down. Telling him you don’t want any contact for a few days so both if you have time to assess your feelings. Have you got family u can talk to? How old are your children and do they know there’s an issue? Sorry lots of questions. Just keep strong the answers will come they are there somewhere.

@StrangeGuitar I can’t see any positives of being with this man. You have stood by him and are helping him through his issues, meanwhile you are sad and isolated, and in your own words wouldn’t have another relationship after this.

He’s trying to blackmail you with threats of suicide and his children. Do not give him this power.

You seem to have good clarity - I would use this time to untangle finances and emotion ties and cease contact.

If finances are difficult think about passing it to solicitors so you don’t have to deal with him or bring emotions in to it.

I totally agree with you this is emotional abuse and you could definately sort out your finances

Has anyone got any advice on explaining to primary aged kids about splitting up?

I want to say “daddy is a selfish, thieving, lying bastard that wasted money for holidays and a forever house for you on gambling and drugs” but I suspect that will lead to some sort of emotional damage.

My plans for a mortgage application is on hold for obvious reasons so I am spending my time making virtual Pinterest boards for my new home (imagining I will have money left - and won’t be freecycling everything ).

I hope the sun is helping everyone see some positives, however small in their own situations.

Haha soda it would be one way of doing it I guess!

I think there are threads on it on here, I'm going to look for a book for the youngest. If we are going with what we'd like to say but can't...

Your dad is emotionally unavailable, can't talk about emotions and has repressed them so much that over 18 years he buried his head about the fact that I didn't really love him as much as he loved me. He drinks to excess, often pissing the bed or passing out in a doorway/bathroom/other floor. When pissed he becomes a useless, giggling, pathetic childlike figure to me and I felt like I had 3 children for much of your early years. He is horribly messy and used to expect me to pick up after him all day every day. I have borne all the responsibility of bringing you both up, whilst struggling with PND and horrible back pain, whilst he prioritised work again and again. He's now decided to help out a bit more but by now, all respect I had for him is gone and he turns me into a horrible passive aggressive nag and I don't want to have sex with him ever again. That mummy ended up in counselling and on antidepressants but he still didn't listen to how sad I was. Until I told him it was over.

But I'll probably say we've become like friends, we love them very very much and still are a family, but daddy will live somewhere else and they will see him all the time, stay with him and see him at the house. That we will both be there at Xmas and birthdays but that sometimes we will do things with them together, sometimes apart. I'm going to make them a jar and they can write some things down to put in it they they want to do with each of us. Plus I'm going to suggest we take them to IKEA (they love it, he doesn't drive so if have to take them) to choose things for their rooms at Daddy's new house, which hopefully will be close and near town and their friends, so they have an incentive to be there with him.

I'm dreading it.

When I split my 4 children was young with the eldest being 7. I told them they was loved by both of us and it was nothing they had said or done but it was best if we lived apart as we wasn’t making each other happy anymore. It was like when they had fallen out with their best friends and didn’t talk to them for a while and then they became friends again. If u lived together you would never be able to be friends again. The most important thing is they know it’s not their fault

@stegasaurusmum you are right and have some lovely thoughts on how to tell them and assuring them of family life for the future. I am sorry you have been through all that your H has been so useless. IKEA is a great idea, it needs to be their home too.

I am potentially making my partner homeless, which I’m not sure the kids will understand (until they are older), because I will no longer enable him.

Children are resilient and know and understand more than you think

Thank you @San1809 and @SodaSodaBanana

You are right, I am sad, isolated and this is classic emotional abuse. He also gaslights a hell of a lot. About 9 months ago I laid all that out for hi and told him to change. He didn't even know what gaslighting was but when I informed him he was horrified by the fact he was doing it, and he could see he was. Even this week he knows he does these things, recognises his behaviour is wrong, apologises. We are happy for a few days then the cycle starts again.

Yesterday it is because I shared something from youtube and said in conversation "I like the [series of videos the channel puts out] every Wednesday". He assumed I meant liked on facebook, called me a liar and said he wished I just admitted to him I have a facebook profile (I don't anymore after he forced me to delete it) and we didn't talk for the rest of the night until late.

The fact is he needs therapy and he needs to heal from his past. Thus far he has relied on me for happiness that I just cannot give him. He needs medication and actual professional help that he can't finance at the moment, but I am not willing to be his emotional punching bag anymore. He has sucked any and all happiness and positivity I had left from me and he still can't just be happy.

With finances, and this is going to sound very selfish, but he is due to sell a house he owns and part of that money is coming to me (legally, so he isn't able to withhold it). To make things smoother I want to wait for that to be clear and in bank before begin the process of divorcing him. For context he owes me a large sum of money that continues to build every month and I can't afford to lose it, as when we met I completely depleted my meager savings helping him, ended up with debts and have paid more money that I would have stuck in savings since then (we are talking thousands). It is significant enough for me to have a decent chunk of savings to build upon for me and the kids and he won't be out of pocket either.

Just very sad and disheartened at the moment. I love who he is when he is kind and normal. I don't have friends in real life or online to talk to about it and I don't want to worry my sister or parents with it. I already complain to them enough about it all as it is, when I can.

@strangeguitar the money he owes you - is that legally or morally? Do you have anything written down?

I think you’re probably right to wait until the sale - that could be a long time coming though. You can still get legal advice though, and should, especially around the money.

I’ve been finding lockdown difficult too this last week or so. On the one hand I feel more trapped, and that freedom could be so close. On the other hand, ‘D’P has (had) to have more interaction with the kids and hasn’t been able to go out and get drunk and lie, so it’s been quite pleasant. I’m reminded what I like about him (inside the bubble of not having to deal with everyday stresses and real life). He’s also still ignoring or forgotten that I want to split which means I need to muster the courage to have ‘the talk’ again

I’m here for you to talk anytime don’t bottle it up

Witches, interesting you mention the perimenopause. I think it was the start of our problems. My libido fell off the cliff and I had a young baby dc. My dh turned to porn (albeit very mild) and I discovered by accident. He doesn't get it that I although I don't agree with porn (please no-one enter that debate here, it might derail the thread), it's the fact that we hadn't talked about and I discovered what he was doing by accident. Married for 20 years up until that point I respected my dh and thought him a good person in general. My opinion of him has changed and because I experienced childhood trauma, my trust issues have flared up again. I have 3 dc all at home including a very young one and no extended family to turn to. I don't work, because I wanted to be around for the dcs in the holidays/after school and I believed I was doing the right thing, especially with lack of extended family (my dh earns enough to support this). It's dawning on me that I am going to struggle to find work to fit around the dcs. My dh also doesn't want me to work (slight coercive control and one or two other things which I don't feel able to disclose here but will speak to a therapist about). It all feels a bit of a nightmare. It is true, you can feel terribly alone in a relationship which isn't good. There is no overt abuse and he is good at helping with the children/house (right now I need that for various reasons). I need a way of staying happy around this. I am just finding myself too - developing a few interests that I really enjoy. Typical, that I find a bit of happiness in other areas and now this. I haven't read the whole thread but will do, over the course of the next few days. But the perimenopause, is definitely making the situation worse. And yes, I don't feel I have anyone to talk to in real life, so on a waiting list for therapy (obviously once lockdown lifts). To feel trapped, really is an awful feeling.

@San1809 just wanted to say thanks for your replies, I’ve been thinking a lot about what you have said ....and I thought you deserved some lockdown cake.

Most definately need cake

User48675. You could try getting a school job a dinner lady or helping out in classes therefore have tge holidays. Even if you split things will be different but what with maintenance, universal credit and a possible part time job. Maybe start volunteering in a school to listen to reading etc and when the opportunity arises you will be in line. You will need an outside interest when you split but it can work as I’ve done it

Hi San, T.A posts are like gold dust or seem to be.