Support thread-trapped in an unhappy relationship and can’t leave/can’t leave yet

[Idontkowmyname]

I thought I might start a thread to help those of us trapped in unhappy relationships over the stressful Xmas/New Year period. Have a moan, have a rant, debrief and hopefully feel less isolated/alone when it appears everyone else is playing happy families.
Ironically saw something on Facebook which said stop comparing your outtakes to everyone else’s highlight reels which I thought was quite apt given the time of year.

@Stegasaurusmum hope the chat with dh went ok. Sad it’s got to this point for you(as nobody sets out thinking a relationship will get to the point of separation) but hopefully now a decision has been made hopefully a weight will be lifted shortly. It’s great you’ve already got some support in place in terms of the counselling to help you navigate through the process.
It’s irrelevant of what other people would put up with as the bottom line is you are not happy and everyone deserves happiness and the chance of love or at least a happy companionship.

Well... I feel like a bitch. But conversation started.
I told him I wasn't sure counselling would be a magic pill as although he's done loads more around the house in the last 2 months, (loading the dishwasher, putting washes on and planning meals... We both work full time... I do everything ekse, including all the driving.) I don't feel any different. He pretty much just sat there, as he does usually, not saying anything. Then I had a bath and as I got into bed, v v late, he started it up again, asking what did I mean...
Said is he going to end up in a flat on his own in 6 months... 🙄 I should have just said yes. But didn't... Chickened out and said I didn't know.

But counselling tonight, will see if I can get it to sink in a bit more.

Throughout all of this, since September last year when I told him I was unhappy and had depression because of it all, wanted to go to counselling etc... He's never once said I love you, let's sort this, I want to stay together, etc etc. Not once. Neither have I really. He was more concerned with why we are laying a new floor in the spare room if I'm leaving him...
🤷‍♀️ Work today to keep me busy. Hope everyone is OK. I'm praying for no coughs etc as if I have to self isolate with him I might kill him.

@seekingfreedom that does sound truly awful. Are you able to decide that the next step, which is big, is organising a different place to sleep? Or would you be at risk from any anger? These things are all small steps but do move you forward and having someone predatory on your body really isn't ok and is a way of losing yourself somewhere I think. As the other day, maybe women's aid would be the next step as his words and actions just aren't acceptable. I stopped sex over a year ago - it just wasn't pleasant, was over in a second and felt like a non event - with him always apologising at the end - gross.

@Stegasaurusmum I hope you managed the conversation last night though understand if it turned out to be impossible. These things are hard and I found DP was actually avoiding any point when we were in the house without DC there in order to ensure I couldn't have the conversation.

For what it's worth, having done it, I do feel so sure that it was the right thing. Increasingly so. In some ways I feel hugely better. But the bomb has been launched and now I am not sleeping. DP obviously has every intention of making the process slow so he doesn't have to change anything. Has failed to look at any of our legal documents so is making assertions and decisions about money that are self interested and uninformed. And now thinks that despite him not being able to get a mortgage because he hasn't been working properly of late (one do the many reasons we are over) that he is entitled to a 3 bed house (without a mortgage) in order to have the kids so is trying to push for the house here to be sold in the hope of getting more money despite the fact I can buy it. I genuinely feel sick on a permanent basis. Hand hold very much needed at what prepares to be a turbulent time. I am hoping that he may see sense but I am so far further in my thinking and am desperate now to be rid of him whereas he is still thinking it all through ... very very slowly.

Named changed - sorry. (I'm a long term member on here but was slightly paranoid about DP tracking me through via other threads.)

Counselling tonight, first, and possibly last for a while because of bloody coronavirus...
He admitted that he thought it might be too late but he wants to try... I told him that my feeling haven't really changed despite his efforts. We talked about a few other things, but basically I think he's realising that it's not easily fixable.
Just want to keep up the momentum now but it could be a while...
Anyone else picking about self isolating?! If I have to spend 14 days here with him I might end up killing him!

@Stegasaurusmum could online counselling via Skype be an option for you?

Yes, hoping so..they are going yo get back to us.. My counselling individually is on its last session next week, really really need to talk to her and get out these feelings, guilt that I still don't want to try being the main one.

Want to keep up the progress... Feel awful his progress is to think it can work out and mine is thinking that even though he's trying, the last thing I want to do is try. Going to talk to him again this week, as last night again I couldn't sleep and ended up on the sofa.
Really really want a bed to myself.
Dreading being isolated with them all.
OM, who I'm still in contact with, but we aren't seeing each other... is trying to end things with his girlfriend of 3 months... But she's staying at his house, he's terrified she's going to get symptoms and stay longer.

I walked into the police station this morning. My husband decided to have sex with me while i was asleep early morning. Final straw for me. Police cant proceed as I didn't say no or push him away. I just lied there still and shocked.

need to get through today then ask my mum to collect me and my son later tonight when its safe to leave. im so scared of the future.

Oh my god I'm so sorry @seekingfreedom. How brave of you to go though. Just get out for now, one step at a time. Everything else can be dealt with later on.

@seekingfreedom so sorry you’ve been through that and your bravery reaching out to the police was met with such a lack of support. You did not consent they need to stop the bullshit that you must say no or push them away when a physiological response can be to freeze. Are they able to move forward using some of the other appalling behaviour you have been subjected to?
Thinking of you and safe hugs from me. 💐

It’s definately a good idea for you to get out with your son as soon as possible and then you can work out your next plan of action. How dare he violate you like that

@Idontkowmyname the police were very helpful and lovely but it was very frustrating. The first officers I saw were more helpful, they were certain the specialist rape officers would take me to a special hospital to get evidence etc (I live in a small town, they were coming from the nearest city). When the specialist officers arrived, yes again they were lovely and understanding but the questions they asked me were completely differnet - prob more like questions that would be asked in a court setting and I did struggle to answer them. Things like - how would your husband know you didnt want sex if you never said anything or pushed him away? Personally - i think not saying anything and freezing should have been enough for him to realise!

But surely the question is how did he know you wanted sex if you were asleep? Surely that’s automatically seen as rape?

The emphasis should be on the perpetrator to prove it was consensual not on the victim to prove it wasn't. I'm sorry the police couldn't help. I hope everything goes smoothly tonight. I think getting out with your son as soon as you can do so safely is a great idea.

@seekingfreedom I'm sad this happened. It was strong to act and go to the police. I hope you are safe now and can have some time with DS and family. a new phase now.

I’ve not been here for a while and haven’t gone through all the posts.
@seekingfreedom that is appalling behaviour of him. I can not believe the police either. I hope you are safely away and keep well.

I finally had my ducks in a row and filed for divorce. He is furious.
Worst part is that it was all going smoothly. Until corona appeared.

My whole future has burnt in front of me.
I feel so selfish. People are dying and people are working all hours to keep this country moving and others alive. But this has literally destroyed everything.

I have no idea how to get through it. I’ve found a house and could be out by the end of the May. Anything could happen. Just no idea at all of how to survive this especially if we get total lockdown. I have to live with him and every night he starts to talk money. He wants to watch tv and movies. Sit down and talk. All day he wants to talk. It’s driving me insane.

I hope everyone is well and keeping safe.

It’s good uve got somewhere at the end of may but is there somewhere you can go and stay if there is a lockdown? In the meantime just try and keep ur distance if he’s in one room u stay in another

God yeah this corona virus has fucked up everything. We started counselling, I thought I could broach it there and get through it amicably.. But now we could potentially be stuck here together, I can't make plans.. Work is my escape, my friends, getting out for runs... All possibly at threat, off work now as school closed.

I'm so worried about it all but mostly just trying to think how to move forward. Just hating the what ifs.. Feel trapped and suffocated as DH is still trying... But I just cannot bring myself to go near him. Just don't love him, got no respect left, no love..

Feel so trapped now, more than before.

@San1809 fortunately we have enough space that I can escape.

@Stegasourusmum one day at a time and lots of deep breaths.
I’ve planned ‘nights out’ on Group FaceTime. Do your hair and make up and feel like you’re going out!
Go for runs when you can.

Keep talking. All we can all do.

How is everyone feeling on the first day of official lockdown?

Urgh.
That is all.

I've got symptoms, they come and go, kids are coughing, so we have been in since Saturday.
I've moved DH out to the spare room, partly to avoid him getting it, but also I just wasn't sleeping with him and me hanging off the edge of the bed.
Counselling still ongoing, it's helping us to understand a bit where we've gone wrong, but it's not going to change how I feel I font think. So we are still doing it in an effort to at least communicate, I'm hoping it'll g er lp him to see how we got here and accept I'm not happy and want out...
Wherever out is because at the moment it could be months.

I'm feeling a little desperate but hopeful we can just continue to work from home, keep kids busy and get projects and jobs done on the house.
All the changes he's making are positive, practical things which will help in the long run regardless of our relationship. But more and more I've realised he's just not capable of the deeper emotional connection I need, he's not able to talk about emotions and really, I married my friend, someone who I had a laugh with socially, sort of fancied but not massively... Lots of good has come from it but I'm just done. He's got to take more time to get to that point though I guess.
It's going to be a long few months..

How is everyone else doing?

Feeling very trapped. Having instigated the impending split both of us are now at home together all the time, plus DC. DP is increasingly irascible and it unsettles DC. This evening I left them to it for a bit having done pretty much all childcare for the previous three days and all hell broke loose and I had to step in - with DP shouting at DS2 and both children in tears. He is doing a lot of exercise and this seems to make him more controlling and angry with them - I have no idea what the link is between exercise and him being hyper. He is also having a lot of showers and wandering around with no clothes on between rooms to get changed which I am finding both repulsive and odd - I'm not being funny am I? That isn't normal 'just relaxed' behaviour is it, when you have been told that your partner is splitting up with you ...? And it seemed to become more habitual as our relationship deteriorated, but has been noticeable since I said we are splitting. We are stuck here - nothing I can do to move the split forward. Its not like I can try to make him move out in the current situation. It's awful. No history of domestic violence here but a man who when I met him seemed very calm - much less so of late. It feels like this is passive aggressive or perhaps some absolutely odd way of trying to show me what a great bod he has 🤢? After a breakdown two years ago I am seeing some odd behaviours raising their heads again. The only good thing is I am now in the spare room in my own bed which is a relief.

@Stegasaurusmum so sorry to hear you have picked it up and the DC. I hope you recover soon and will at least have the antibodies (fingers crossed).

Tried posting last night but for some reason didn’t work.

@Stegasaurusmum so sorry to hear that you and the dc are unwell. Even the best relationships will be put under strain but for us everything is magnified. Rather than have support at the time of uncertainty we have an “enemy within the ranks” rather than the ally we all deserve.
@marly11 my dh is also increasingly irascible.(had to look that one up and decided it’s my new favourite word). One of the dc came through to the bedroom this morning to speak to me and said “my minds blown dad’s in a good mood this morning”.
No sex and no gym make for an intolerable man at the best of times. He loathes any change in his routine so we are bearing the brunt of this at the moment. Got him to sleep on the sofa last night and blamed the snoring but to be honest I just didn’t want to be anywhere near him :-(
And no you’re not being unreasonable your “dh’s” behaviour is unacceptable. It’s like a dog marking their territory. Pretty shit behaviour to be honest. Home should feel safe you should not be constantly on edge in what should be a place of comfort and safety.

Ended up telling h that he didn’t give a s&@* about “insert relatives name” earlier when he completely ignored social distancing. I’ve been doing somersaults to maintain distancing when going on the permitted exercise and in helping look after care for nuclear and extended family in the preceding weeks and he doesn’t give a stuff.
I told the dc that it was completely unacceptable to say what I did . But as far as he’s concerned he’s done nothing wrong and all he did was insist he’d maintained the correct distance.
I’ve reached the point that if it wasn’t for lockdown I’d be checking into a hotel or crashing with a friend for a week to just create some distance because I can no longer stand being anywhere near him.
Him putting his parents first is causing yet more issues and I very much have a “dh” problem in that regard. Living with a continual bombardment of selfish behaviour that he just excuses constantly.
I’m feeling quite teary to be honest and I know others have felt this way too. There’s nothing worse that being physically close to someone and yet feeling so incredibly alone and isolated.

Hope everyone else is doing as ok as they can given the circumstances.

I'm still here, trapped. My mum couldn't pick me up last week as she was poorly so I've had to just carry on like nothing has happened. It has been so hard. I hate him. I can't stand to be in the same room as him or breathe the same air. It is so so hard, he follows me around like a lost puppy and constantly wants cuddles and sex. Urgh. I can't be nice to someone who abuses me. He even accused me of having an affair last night all because I said no to sex.
I wish I could really tell him what I think but it's just not safe. I know he would go mental and most likely attack me or refuse to let me go. I can't risk that just now.
This lockdown thing is going to make me snap. The only positive in all this is that I haven't been made redundant from my job, 75% of my team have but not me, I can still hide away in my home office and work during the day.

I feel like such a fool.