Is a man who's been violent always like a dog that's bitten?

[GilbertMarkham]

Has anyone ever had a long term relationship in which a man who was violent (during a time of extreme conflict for example) not be violent again?

Or are they like a dog who's bitten - only fit for the relationship equivalent of being put down.

What are you wanting to hear OP, you are getting arsey with posters making perfectly reasonable points. Is it "Yeah he is fabulous and sounds great, you should definitely stay with a man who threatens and intimidates you because you're so annoying, he's the perfect dad. Make no changes in your life!"

Yes it's a perfectly reasonable point to say "leave him op, protect your child!!!" withiut giving me any pointers on how exactly I "protect" my child from the risk of his potential aggression when he has access to her for the next 15/16 yrs. I asked genuine questions about that - thank you so much for your response ignoring that and essentially just shouting at me.

*I asked genuine questions about how to manage that.

Also you very very clearly haven't bothered reading the thread and seeing where I outlined my two options and my lack of "belief" in the option of him getting counselling. But don't worry, as you were - continue going through threads helpfully berating the posters.

U would discuss details of access whether it would be supervised it that would have to be assessed I reckon if both of you cant agree it or if you believe him a threat.
Could u negotiate it?

Tbh you're the one berating others on here and taking everything as an attack. You clearly don't like it when people disagree. It's obvious you should leave him but that's not what you want to hear and you're going on the attack.

Or maybe you think staying with him with protect your child better? That's possible. But what I see is you defending his behaviour on your posts.

OP is this how you inter relate with friends, family, colleagues, public at large - or is the dog with a bone, escalation behaviour just with your DH and random anonymous people on the internet?

If it’s the former I expect that you have a lot of collateral damage behind you. That’s fine if that works for you. But you now have a DD and if you are unable to respond appropriately she will be ostracised socially as people will not want their children involved with the child with the ranty Mum.

It would be exhausting, complex and ultimately futile to exist lurching to one drama/crisis/fight to the next. There is another way of restraint, deescalation which is much more powerful and allows a calm, peaceful and rich life.

If that’s the issue and you want better for your daughter - start working on your emotional IQ.

It is hard to untangle your thought pattern here. Are you threatened by him or not?

if you believe him a threat.

Tbh I don't. We have both of course, been pushed to the limit at times with a typical toddler who also sleeps poorly, but I've never seen anything remotely aggressive toward her. However posters on here who have been through the process of raising older kids and teenagers have highlighted the extent to which they can be challenging, "push buttons" etc and if he hadn't been able to deal with my terrier like tenacity etc without verging on becoming aggressive for the second time in about a year, that adds an element of doubt.

(That was in response to the question about him being a threat/risk of aggression re our dd in future obviously).

Other than perhaps people with PTSD, who receive treatment, I think anyone who is violent remains violent. They may be able to control or hide it to some extent, but it will always be there and there is always something that cold tip them over. I could never trust them. I think your DP is showing his true colours. I'd be leaving, if I were you.

Tbh you're the one berating others on here and taking everything as an attack. You clearly don't like it when people disagree

I have responded in the manner in which I was addressed, not all posters have been like you and your ilk.

My response has reflected the empathy, moderation, lack of assumption, lack of projection, tone etc of the poster I responded to. In many cases they were not even reading what I had written and were doing the online equivalent of shouting at me (and amateur psychoanalysing me) based on things they thought I'd said or assumed .... Noone is going to respond well to that over and over again. See other threads as this is common on here.

Almost no-one would act like this irl.life because they would end up in an altercation; but they take advantage of this platform to do so.

If he's not a threat then why was this thread made at all. It is obvious you feel concerned that he is a threat.

There have been plenty of decent posters - defined not by whether I 'liked," what they said or not but about how they said it - and I've thanked them and responded civilly.

You're just making stuff up OP. Are you hoping by acting like a twat on here people will say no wonder he hits you?

Thus justifying his behaviour in your mind for another day.

If he's not a threat then why was this thread made at all. It is obvious you feel concerned that he is a threat.

Did you cross post?

If he's not a threat then why was this thread made at all. It is obvious you feel concerned that he is a threat.

@Treesthemovie

Don't ever go into psychology - you're really shit at it.

What am I making up exactly?

And the irony of you calling someone else a twat is just too rich.

Sorry OP but your motivation on this thread is obvious to me. Pointless even trying to discuss with you, you want to stay with him that's your perogative. It's not me that will be living with the consequences. X

OP is this how you inter relate with friends, family, colleagues, public at large - or is the dog with a bone, escalation behaviour just with your DH and random anonymous people on the internet?

The latter.

Except it's not random people on the internet, it's only.the worse posters on Mumsnet.

And with my dh, as with many people's DH:s, there is plenty of opportunity for it - as you can imagine, with jobs, small child, family issues etc. Most of the time if we have an argument we resolve it without escalating. It is these exceptions - and what had happened got the second time in recent yrs - that is worrying me.

@Treesthemovie

I repeat my psychology comment - don't ever go in to a profession related to it (I sincerely hope you're not already in one).
You've been worse than useless itt.

*for the second time

To state the obvious, a nearly adult child is challenging in a very different way to a toddler - they cannot be controlled or distracted in the same ways, and having patience with small children does not translate to managing older ones. With you, he'll escalate to physicality - with an older child or teen he might too. (Especially if there's something underlying all this outer civilisation that allows him to be violent towards the women in his family.)

Clearly supervised access etc are unlikely in your case in a decade's time, but there's a huge difference between living together 24/7 and whatever other residency arrangements you could have in place. Having a safe place, assuming you're able to provide such, most of the time or 50% of the time is better than living 100% of the time under threat. (Part of the stressors in the relationship would also be removed by having breaks from each other).

OP is this how you inter relate with friends, family, colleagues, public at large - or is the dog with a bone, escalation behaviour just with your DH and random anonymous people on the internet?

Forgot to add that this is also a question that had an obvious answer for everyone - who relates to strangers, work colleagues, acquaintances, friends, family members, partners etc etc in exactly the same way??

Those are all different degrees and types of interaction. I suppose that's the more filled out answer to that question.