Is a man who's been violent always like a dog that's bitten?

[GilbertMarkham]

Has anyone ever had a long term relationship in which a man who was violent (during a time of extreme conflict for example) not be violent again?

Or are they like a dog who's bitten - only fit for the relationship equivalent of being put down.

@ohwheniknow

Thanks for your excellent post.

That wasn't my comment, it was another poster's.

What was another posters? The bitchplop comment? I wasn’t talking about that. You have repeatedly called me a bully and given me sarky responses and talked about me “still going” when I was trying to help you see another viewpoint of your situation. you made me a baddie long before “bitchplop”.

I dont understand why you are posting on a site who's opinions you largely distrust and find irritating? What quality of an answer do you think you are going to find in here?
It is imprecise at the best of times and your situation is complex and when you perceive answers as being unacceptable because they have misunderstood or missed something, your reaction is intense.
Some of your comments to posters are unnecessarily hostile but you have arrived with that mind set. It seems a waste of your time as much as anyone elses

I dont understand why you are posting on a site who's opinions you largely distrust and find irritating?

Where did you get "largely" from? A section is not largely.

It seems a waste of your time as much as anyone elses

There are some truly excellent posters on MN, and some of them have kindly posted in this thread. That's not a waste of time.

I'm out. Not because you're trying to goad people but because (assuming this isn't some year 1 psychology exercise) taking this philosophical approach to violence is immature at best and harmful to your child at worst. In any event, it is not in the best interests of your child.

And that solves what exactly? How does your nit picking over every comment you dislike help you solve the question you posted about?
You have wasted your own mental energy on that last comment. What I am asking is; are you here to be a dick about how people frame their answers or consider ideas, which was what I assumed hour intention was.

It is imprecise at the best of times and your situation is complex and when you perceive answers as being unacceptable because they have misunderstood or missed something

There are posters who manage to acknowledge that they are dealing with relatively minute scraps of a huge picture, while trying to give some advice.

A separate thing is posters who post very vociferously, having clearly not done more than skim read or keyword read your posts - and that is pretty shitty. You see them everywhere. Personally I would not do that in someone's thread. If I answer I read their posts (and reread if I have to).

I am not violent myself but if you told anyone in my family what has happened (they do know about btw) they wouldn't say it was ok, but they'd understand how it might happen. I am extremely feisty, harsh and cannot let anything go. They love me, but think any man who could put up with me deserves to be sainted

How do they react to you? Do you like those behaviours in yourself?

In answer to your original Q, he will always be a dog that’s bitten to you. With another woman the violence May never surface, it may be sooner and more frequent? But with you it’s been done, it’s his reset setting that he’ll always return to, could be another 5 years, could be next week. I would LTB after one episode of violence, I would also never get with a man who I knew had been violent with some1 else in that past. I believe some ppl are capable and some aren’t, I know who I’d want to live with

But you are so quick to attack these mistakes or misunderstandings and become so impatient. They are not done on purpose and you seem to enjoy mocking people on the basis of it. It's an unpleasant way of conducting a discussion.

Your apparent suggestion that you effectively drive him to it makes me uncomfortable. If he wasn't violent and didn't feel entitled on some level to use violence then there wouldn't be anything you could do to drive him to it (genuine self defence excluded).

You're right.

I don't think I drive him to it, I think I can't let an argument/issue go and it causes escalation of an argument. But escalation of an argument just leads to more arguing until people stomp off, or run out of steam, or crack up laughing at how ridiculous it might have become (as we have done on a few occasions) ... Escalation of an argument shouldn't be physical.

This is one of those bizarre threads where I really can't understand why the OP started it. She seems to want to create this narrative to make sense of her life in which she is a strong "feisty" woman, who is strong enough to handle a violent man and somehow deflect his violence (to run with the dog biting metaphof, it's a bit like the sort of young man who owns a pitbull because it plays to his self image of himself as "strong enough to handle that sort of dog...")

To those of us outside the situation this comes across as just so much hogwash (or, TLDR - what Anyfucker said upthread - she's usually right).

Why the thread was started when OP obviously wants confirmation of her weird world view and is now getting stroppy that she's not getting that confirmation is anyone's guess.

OP. He won't change (they don't). You've created a self-image of yourself as "the strong woman who can handle this sort of thing", but I don't think that's particularly helpful to you. It certainly won't be helpful to your daughter when she gets old enough that your partner starts turning his anger on her. But I don't suppose you'll listen to me - after all we're well over a hundred posts now, and you haven't listened to anyone else.

You are coming across as v spiky
and combative - exactly the dog with a bone. At the end of the day whilst you become drained, distracted and consumed with hyper negative energy.......your DD is absorbing and internalising this negative mood. You would be better taking a breath and choosing to utilise your finite mental energy for soothing positive vibes to create the stable, peaceful calm emotional environment for your DD to absorb. You might find some lifestyle or RS changes or therapy to help you achieve this.

How do they react to you? Do you like those behaviours in yourself?

Everyone in my family (like most people) has their faults and good points. Obviously you are only dealing with faults some of the time. One of my sister's and her bf used to laugh at my feistiness and refusal to brook bullshit because they found it funny in someone they considered v young. One, who used to be v sensitive commented that I could "flay you to the bone" and I wondered what I'd said but she didn't elaborate; but she is much much less sensitive nowadays and is as likely to say something every sharp to me, which I usually let go because everyone she's an all-round v good person. If I thought I had hurt the feelings if a family member, it would if course make me upset and I would apologise/explain make peace about it. My sister's have commented drily that it would take a strong man to be a partner to me and take my sharp tongue etc.

I don't mind being feisty, as people generally take the piss; I do try not to be harsh unless it's deserved, I really wish I wasn't the dog with the bone and try to stop but it's like Sheldon in the big bang theory when he tried not to be compulsive.

and you haven't listened to anyone else.

Then you haven't read this thread.

I got a broken nose and black eye from “just a slap” he has told his current gf who believes him.
I get what the op has said about it taking a certain mix of two people to cause aggression. However, I have been told that my ex is or was really happy with his current gf no arguments etc but my children have told me that she has changed and is quite withdrawn and quiet now. So I think his nice guy mask is slipping g and he is falling back into his old ways.
So to answer the question, these men play the victim well, can act like they did no wrong, but a lot of their anger reactions are violent so no I do t think they change.

It all sounds a bit co-dependent op - you chase the drama and he plays his part. I grew up in a house like this and regard both my parents as selfish.

I frankly didn't care who was the victim. Neither of them thought about their children or protected us from the damage they created. They made everyday events into self-indulgent dramas, which escalated into dv, occasionally including their dc.

It actually isn't about you or your partner.

You've created a self-image of yourself as "the strong woman who can handle this sort of thing"

What a marvellous bit of armchair psychology.

I relayed that I have been described as feisty, harsh, argumentative and unable to let something go as background to the argument in which my dh's behaviour made me uncomfortable v recently ... Not as part of any sort of narrative that I am a "strong" woman, mentally or physically - who can deal with "this sort of thing".

First of all, I don't deal with violence on any ongoing basis - as I've said a couple of times now, he was violent about 15 yrs ago. He has not been since then until last. year when I found him physically intimidating (blocking, dominating space) during an argument, and doing the same to a more noticeable extent on Sunday. So I haven't dealt with anything like this for 14 years .. so there would be no need for the string woman act/narrative, even if I were to be doing one.

Secondly, such a narrative would be ridiculous; you have no control if a man; any man, let alone a large one, chooses to be violent. So strength is an illusion in that case. I wouldn't indulge in such ridiculousness.

I trusted my dh not to repeat anything like the incident 15 yrs ago but his behaviour last yr compounded by a more noticeable/slightly notched up version of it at the weekend has made me doubt that.

I trusted him but I have always been uncomfortable, on principle, that I continued the relationship. I felt, on principle, I should not have continued it.

I don't know if there is any point in trying to solve this or if it is impossible/pointless; that leaves me devastated. For our marriage, relationship, family in its current form, etc etc.

There is nothing "strong" etc about that and I'm perfectly upfront about saying it.

So .. back to psychology 101 - and you wonder why an op would get frustrated and irritated.

It actually isn't about you or your partner.

Quite.

you chase the drama and he plays his part.

Another poster who hasn't read my oistd, who has grabbed at something and run with it, massively projected own experience etc.

I've already said several times that the vast vast majority of the time, myself and my dh get along and parent together very well.

We do not argue much, definitely not more than any other couple I know, probably less.

*posts

Couldn't you just say "I don't think that fits, but thanks" rather than stamping down quite so hard on posters? (Or even leave out the thanks). People are only trying to give different perspectives.

Well said @MrsBobDylan

Honestly this reminds me of a thread in which an op said that she occasionally liked to watch some TV at home, when not out for the evening (she explained that they did lots of other things, usually organisec by her) but her new dp never ever watched anything and expected to sit with no entertainment in his sitting room any time they stayed in; and it was starting to frustrate her ....

The certain type of MN poster started " Well op, you cant expect him to watch endless box sets just because all you want to do is watch TV" etc etc.