SIL and her Dog hijack Christmas

[Ventatron]

Okay this is partly a vent, but also a 'what the hell do I do next'? question.

My SIL is single, and childless and doesn't have any close friends. Last year she decided to buy a retriever puppy which as you can imagine, means the world to her. She brought it with her to stay over last Christmas. It was about 6 months old when it came and understandably, very puppy like, but my SIL imposed all these rules on us, in our own house about what we could and couldn't do - because of the puppy. We had to talk quietly, kids mustn't run, nobody was allowed to eat chocolate in case the dog got it, toys must be off the floor, we weren't allowed to sit on the floor because we must remain 'above the dog - all this at Christmas. She also wanted to sleep in the living room on the sofa with the dog because the dog doesn't 'do' stairs and when the kids came in a 6am to open presents she put the blanket over her head and asked when we would be finished.
Now the dog is twice the size and if you sit down on the couch, he sticks his nose in your face, and as she doesn't put him in his bed or wherever while we eat dinner he breathes on you while you're eating. He's always under foot, always restless and bored - poor thing - and he has a very loud and unpredictable bark. So this year, I said, if the dog comes to Christmas, it has to stay in the hall, knowing the would mean she would not stay the night - and I think that's best too - the dog doesn't want to be here and we don't want him here. The feeling is mutual. It's only her who wants to bring him. But this has unleashed a huge problem. We've had calls from relatives, 'why isn't SIL allowed to come to Christmas?' We confirm she is, but the dog has to stay in the hall. We say we're going dog free due to hair and mess etc (the easy answer) .… 'but your neighbour was allowed in with his dog!' And he was and the reason is simple, when his (smaller) dog comes over, he has a fuss and then sleeps in the corner. He's no trouble.

So yes, the issue is two fold, it's about being made uncomfortable by the dog AND about her ordering us around in our own home. The kids are also not huge fans of the dog as they are both under four and have cried at his barking.

But SIL has made such a big deal out of this that my husband wants me to just 'get over it' but he's not the one hostessing and cooking and 'doing' Christmas.

So the idea of her not coming for Christmas was - well - okay with me. But now she says, she is coming to Christmas, without he dog, and that she won't speak to me while she's here. 'Okay, then I won't make her any Christmas dinner'. was my reply but my husband's shoulders went up to his ears. He is so stressed now, I don't want to make it worst. Any advice?

I wouldn't have put up with all those rules last Christmas, it's your house, not hers. Unless you want a big badly trained dog with you every Christmas you need to pick some rules and stick with them. So dog in the hall or no dog but do cook her dinner. She will look rude you will be not.

How about growing up , all of you !! It is your home and you have a right to say who comes in and, but on one hand saying no dogs, but then on the other allowing someone else's, realty isn't fair, is it ?

Settle down for the ride and wait to see what she comes out with next. She'll come but not speak to you? That's gold.

How old is she and how far away does she live?

So your husband wants you to get over it but not his sister to get over it?

She is being a pain. If you sit down with your husband and go through everything you have said here, how can he possibly stick up for her? He would be extremely obtuse.

I think it's a great idea. Sister, no dog. If she doesn't speak to you, fine - it shows what a silly cow she is and you won't have to put up with her talking to you.

Though I think your husband should have a big word with her and tell her not to be such a stupid, rude cow .

It’s not the dog, is it? It’s the unreasonable demands. Definitely time to stop pandering to this silly woman.

Your house your rules. Doesn’t matter if another dog is allowed or not

Sounds perfect- she is coming, no dog and you won’t have to listen to her whine about it. Stand firm.

Stick to your guns about the dog but do cook for hotherwise you will look as childish as her.

“The kids don’t like the dog. We don’t like our Christmas being dictated by a dog. SIL is welcome without the dog.” And repeat....

You sound perfectly reasonable, I think - plus you’ve been very clear upfront about what works in your home. SIL may not like that....but then it’s up to her what she chooses to do.

Put your husband and the dog outside for a ling walk before lunch, wear the dog out so he’s really tierd and sleeps

Then tell your sister the dogs allowed anywhere but if she starts making up rules - she’ll be in the hall on her own 😉

She lives 30 minutes away and she's 31.

Thanks, practical advice!

Good point! I just resent he behaving like a child without the consequences. She can't bare to talk to me but she'll eat the food I prepare? But yes, must rise about it.

I would be telling your dh if he doesn't back you up on this and tell his sister to grow up then he can do Christmas while you put your feet up.

Hmmmm… Yes.....

Thank you.

I'd stick to the hall rule, and like Ivy's suggestion of a long walk to wear the dog out. She's being unreasonable with her demands.

It’s perfectly ok to have rules for the dog in your own home but you need to be consistent. I am welcoming to all dogs in my home but I have rules:

They stay off my furniture, out of my kitchen, and are not allowed upstairs. My own dogs have to follow those rules and so do other dogs. Oh, and if people are eating the dogs lie down out of the way. I won’t tolerate dogs sitting and begging for food.

Anyone who comes here follows those rules because they see that’s how my own dogs are expected to behave. And if other people’s dogs misbehave in my house they are suitably shouted at by me
I once had people to stay who were dropping in on their way somewhere. They were rude, demanding, stayed in bed all day and took their dog upstairs despite being told that I didn’t allow it for my own dogs. Instead of laying down the law or banning the dog for next time, I simply never invited them again, and if they ever asked the answer would be no. Not just because of the dog tbh but because of their whole attitude in general. Not coming down until nearly 2:30, demanding dinner at a time which suited them etc etc so never having them to stay again was no great loss.

WRT saying that if SIL doesn’t speak to you then you won’t give her any dinner, that’s a bit petty tbh. If she’s made the point she won’t speak to you then just ignore it, but playing tit for tat isn’t going to make you look great either and I would pick your battles. If she genuinely doesn’t speak to you then I just wouldn’t invite her again and make it clear why, and then it won’t be just because of the dog.

I'll mention it ;-) But I think they grew up with this 'blood is thicker than water' thing at home. Am I'm water.

I'm a dog person but I'd be annoyed be someone else's dog sitting on me and sticking it's nose in my face, being allowed in the kitchen when food is being prepared and being in the dining room and blatantly begging by clinging to anyone who is eating so that they have slobbery dog breath while trying to eat.

I think you need to say that you are very happy to have the dog there but your SIL needs to accept that the dog is in your home and therefore if you want the dog shut in the hall while you eat etc then that's how it is. Not allowing the dog in the living room is a bit harsh for a dog that is used to being allowed in. I would take the approach that he can go in the living room but if he is a pain in the arse then your SIL will have to either stick him on a lead so he behaves and only pesters her or gets shut in the hall then. The trouble with a retriever is that they are big, hairy and extremely nice but dim. If they sit on you etc then it's a lot of dog to move, especially when they decide that they don't want to move so do the happy smiley dog that ignores you thing. If your SIL can't accept a few basic ground rules then she is going to have problems whenever she wants to stay in another house because few people would accept a big dog being thuggish. You could always get her some dog training lessons for Christmas 😁

She should have a crate for her dog where it can go and be out of the way. Its not fair on your kids having Christmas ruined by her, its not the dogs fault, lots of families are happy with a dog, sounds like she simply hasn't taught it how to behave.

The dog will be in a strange place with lots going on, excited kids, noise etc it'll want to be part of it, want attention. Not a good place for it. Dogs and children should be fun but it needs a dog thats used to children and children that are used to a dog. Sounds like you have a recipe for disaster there, nobody will be happy, not even the dog.

Yeah, I don't want to be petty - but right now it's being framed that I'm the one already being petty. She won't talk to be BECAUSE I won't have the dog in the living room/dinning room/kitchen. So what, she come here and still gets what she wants and I'm the skivvy? smh. Just bugs me.

I would change my stance on this and declare that you will have the dog over.... And borrow a dog crate from a friend or put a call out on FB for one. The second she starts saying shit like No toys, No chocolate etc I'd be grabbing it by the collar and depositing it in the crate. There SIL. Can't eat the chocolate now can it.
When it won't go away from the table while you're trying to eat? Crate. Again.

We had dogs whilst growing up. In fact we bred Great Danes and even though we lived in a small semi-detached with three HIGE Danes they were absolutely not allowed near us when eating. They weren't allowed to bark and scare kids. They weren't allowed to take chocolates etc. We didn't use a crate, we just taught them manners and trained them. It sounds like SIL thinks a dog comes before the hosts. She should have been taught manners better never mind her dog.

Yes, thanks. We originally told her a few months back that the dog wouldn't be able to come in the living room anymore because we have parquet and last time he was here we noticed there were lots of scratches in a circle around the table where he'd been going around and around. She didn't call for two months and then called to ask if we were still 'banning dogs at christmas'. We explained and she told us to put rugs down... but really this is just an accumulation of small things to do with her using the dog as a way to tell us what to do.