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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I can't take him back even if I wanted too can I?

165 replies

mothersc · 16/12/2019 13:48

Have ds 4 with exp. we have been together for 7 years since I was 18, he is 12 years older than me. He cheated on me when I was 18 within the first 6 months with a prostitution. Young and dumb I took him back with the excuse of we weren't properly together and it would never happen again, he lavished me with gifts of a car and a puppy to say how much he loved me, how serious he was and it wouldn't happen again. 3 years later (happy years) and he said he really wanted us to have a child... I had the security of owning our own home and thought we had a secure relationship, when I was 6 months pregnant I found texts on his phone of him arranging for a prositiute to come to our home when I was away for a night to take Cocaine and he would pay extra for unprotected sex. Was distraught, left my home and had to undergo sexual health screening and ruined my pregnancy and I was left suffering from PND after the birth. He supported me financially, bought me a new house and car, paid maintenance and bought anything I needed for the baby and over the past 4 years we built an amicable co parenting relationship for the sake of my son... about 6 months ago whilst watching our sons swimming lesson he declared he still loved me dearly and felt he would never get over me and deeply regretted ruining our family, how much he had changed ect... I do still love him and thought over the years maybe he had realised what he had lost and has grown up. I agreed to give things another go and slowly start to spend time together as a family again. All was going well and our son got used to the 3 of us spending time together as a family. We then decided to look at buying our dream family home, went to view a house on Friday, he told our son 'mummy, daddy and you will all be living in a house together!' Put a note of interest in on Saturday for the house. Saturday evening he had been watching a football match and phoned me to say he was home, whilst talking on the phone (his mobile) his house phone started to ring in the background, I thought this was odd as when we lived together we never used the house phone, asked him if he was going to answer. He said people called to speak to the people who lived in the house before him and it was probably for them... I thought this sounded like a lie... house phone rang again and he picked it up and said 'sorry wrong number bye' without giving the caller a chance to speak and then rushed me off the phone... I thought the whole thing was odd (plus the fact he hadn't want to come and spend the night with me after watching football) and had a gut feeling... I decided to drive over to his house and see what was happening, I parked at end of the street and seen a woman arrive in a taxi and walk in. I then sat in the car for five minutes and then got out and rang his door bell which he wouldn't answer and phoned his phone which he ignored. He lied and lied the following morning saying he was sleeping inside the house and didn't hear me ringing bell and phoning and saying I was insane and a lunatic until I told him I had been sat at end of the road and watched her come in. Since then I have been bombarded with messesages about he has a problem and needs me to help and support him, how sorry he is, how it will never happen again, how he has messed up ect ect ect... I'm just so devistated. I want to be a family, I love him... I can't go back after this though can I? :(

OP posts:
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Winterdaysarehere · 16/12/2019 13:52

You have your dc and a ddog. That's plenty of family - loyal and the non head fuck variety.
Ltb once and for all.
And get sti checked.

Cloudyapples · 16/12/2019 13:52

No you can’t. You deserve better. If he has a problem he needs to get help for himself - you are not responsible for him, do not let him make you feel he is your responsibility in any way.

Windmillwhirl · 16/12/2019 13:53

You can do what you want, but you know what your future will be if you do take him back. He doesnt need you to help him. You were never the problem. It's just manipulation.

He's cheated repeatedly. Why didn't he get help the first time he cheated?. I'd wager because he didn't care and knew you'd take him back regardless.

This is your one shot at life, don't waste it.

SassenachWitch · 16/12/2019 13:55

No, you really can't go back.

Do yourself and your son a favour, and run for the hills, this will never work.

Go back to co-parenting, keep things about your son, and nothing more, you can't help him, he isn't your problem. If he is a good Dad and your son is safe, then concentrate on that.

Windmillwhirl · 16/12/2019 13:55

I know you want to be a family, but you need to stop living in a fantasy land. He's not a decent, family man no matter how much you want him to be.

mothersc · 16/12/2019 13:57

These are the messages I have received since... the one calling me crazy was before I told him I had watched her walk into the house and he had no other way to lie his way out of it anymore

I can't take him back even if I wanted too can I?
I can't take him back even if I wanted too can I?
I can't take him back even if I wanted too can I?
OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 16/12/2019 13:57

fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

mothersc · 16/12/2019 13:58

These are the messages he has sent since

I can't take him back even if I wanted too can I?
I can't take him back even if I wanted too can I?
I can't take him back even if I wanted too can I?
OP posts:
Gemma1971 · 16/12/2019 13:58

What is there to love OP?

He might be good in bed or good at something, but he's not very good at being faithful AND uses prostitutes.

To answer your question, NO, you should never take him back again, you need to get tested for STDs and you need to start asking yourself why you are happy to settle for crumbs from a scummy man who probably would never piss on you should you happen to find yourself on fire.

ohwheniknow · 16/12/2019 13:59

Please don't. Do the Freedom Programme course instead and build a healthy life. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Gemma1971 · 16/12/2019 14:01

Ah. Calling you crazy.

I lost count of the times I heard this from the douchbag ex. I could be standing with the evidence of his lies right in front of him, but I was always crazy. I apparently needed therapy.

It's calling gaslighting. Look up trauma bonding online. DARVO. Abuser tactics. Intermittent reinforcement.

He is hoping you love his penis or something about him enough to tell yourself yes, I am crazy, he is right, he would NEVER cheat on me again, he lurves me.

As harsh as it is to accept, you are involved with a scumbag who would rather you drove yourself mad than have enough self-respect to ditch his sorry ass.

Get up, dust yourself down, END it and block him from your life forever.

Zaphodsotherhead · 16/12/2019 14:03

It sounds a bit like he has tried to 'buy' you a bit, OP. All cars and houses - maybe he genuinely thinks all sex has a sort of transactional element?

He didn't 'need help' until you revealed that you'd watched the woman walk in. He lied right up until that point, just remember that.

Gemma1971 · 16/12/2019 14:03

A man who uses cocaine and prostitutes is not a good father and in my opinion, should cease to have access to his children.

Whatisthisfuckery · 16/12/2019 14:04

Come on OP, he’s taking you for a mug. Yes he does have a problem, it’s that you keep catching him out. He’s a man who thinks it’s ok to pay to wank inside a woman who would otherwise be unwilling to go anywhere near him. He’s taking the piss out of you and exploiting women who wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole if they didn’t need the cash. Clearly he thinks his money can buy him whatever he likes, and that includes you. Get the hell away from him once and for all.

Jesus, do you want your DS growing up with a male role model like that?

hellsbellsmelons · 16/12/2019 14:14

You can take him back OP - and you probably will!
I don't think there is much we can say.
It's too ingrained in you right now.
Just know that you deserve far better than this low life, misogynistic asshole.
And so does your DC!
What an awful role model for your son.
He will grow up just like his dad if you allow this to continue.

Do not help to support him.
If he needs help then he gets it and he sorts himself out.
YOU however, do need some counselling to understand why you have put up with this absolute arsewipe for so long and are even now, still considering taking him back.
Pick up your self-esteem from the floor. Don't allow him to trample on it as well.

mothersc · 16/12/2019 14:14

Thank you this is what I need to see, my friends I have told keep saying they wouldn't judge me if I took him back and my dad says 'just hold fort just now and see what the future brings and if it can be resolved' I love him, I love my child and I don't like being a single mum. I have taken my son on 4 holidays on my own this year and I do all the days out with him by Myself, it's lonely, I want my family to be together but I agree he is an awful person... I want to post the other pictures of the messages he has been sending me but it won't allow me to post more than 3 a day... will post the rest tomorrow

OP posts:
mothersc · 16/12/2019 14:17

My dad and brother are working on Christmas Day, other family live abroad and that's all I have. My options are to either spend Christmas Day with him as planned or Christmas Day on my own with my child. Every time I think of cooking a Christmas dinner for just me and him to eat on our own I cry.

OP posts:
Gemma1971 · 16/12/2019 14:21

You're already a single mum.

mothersc · 16/12/2019 14:22

Yes I am aware I'm a single mum and have been for years and I don't enjoy it. I find it lonely and not I feel I'm left with no choice because I can't be with him after this

OP posts:
Gemma1971 · 16/12/2019 14:25

Take him back = Many more years of him using you and possibly giving you herpes, HIV, etc etc etc

Lose the loser = Meet a kind, honest man in the future.

Many of us are lonely but we still crack on with life.

Time to grow a backbone OP. For your son AND for yourself. There is a LOT of good life waiting for you out there, but first, you gotta lose the abuser.

zafferana · 16/12/2019 14:27

He's a compulsive liar and a serial cheat so no, you can't take him back and I have no idea why you still claim to love him. Yes, he's the father of your DS, but he's a creep. He paid a prostitute extra to fuck him without protection WHEN YOU WERE PREGNANT? Please, get some self-respect and tell him to fuck off, once and for all. He's bought you a house and a car and I hope he's paying maintenance for your DS, but that is all you need from him.

mothersc · 16/12/2019 14:29

Thank you. What about Christmas should I still allow him to come over to my house and spend time with my son on Christmas Day after this? I feel he doesn't deserve it and our son won't care as he is used to his dad always working away and not being here anyway.... or should I be the bigger person and allow him to come anyway... I already bought him Christmas gifts. Should I send them back or let my son give them
To him from
Him?

OP posts:
Gemma1971 · 16/12/2019 14:31

No, keep him out.

Get a refund on the gifts or give them to charity/sell on Ebay.

He gives zero shits about you. Keep every penny you can for you and your son.

dancemom · 16/12/2019 14:33

No my love you cant take him back. Because you deserve better. Your son deserves better.
You would be forever wondering, worrying, checking up on him ... that's no life.
You don't have to be single forever but carve a life out without your selfish, lying, cheating, deceiving ex.

mothersc · 16/12/2019 14:33

Ok... is not allowing him to visit on Christmas not putting my child first though? I agree on the gifts and I'm going to get some counselling as obviously I have no self esteem of self worth to still want to be with him and love him after how he has treated me

OP posts:
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