I can't take him back even if I wanted too can I?

[mothersc]

Have ds 4 with exp. we have been together for 7 years since I was 18, he is 12 years older than me. He cheated on me when I was 18 within the first 6 months with a prostitution. Young and dumb I took him back with the excuse of we weren't properly together and it would never happen again, he lavished me with gifts of a car and a puppy to say how much he loved me, how serious he was and it wouldn't happen again. 3 years later (happy years) and he said he really wanted us to have a child... I had the security of owning our own home and thought we had a secure relationship, when I was 6 months pregnant I found texts on his phone of him arranging for a prositiute to come to our home when I was away for a night to take Cocaine and he would pay extra for unprotected sex. Was distraught, left my home and had to undergo sexual health screening and ruined my pregnancy and I was left suffering from PND after the birth. He supported me financially, bought me a new house and car, paid maintenance and bought anything I needed for the baby and over the past 4 years we built an amicable co parenting relationship for the sake of my son... about 6 months ago whilst watching our sons swimming lesson he declared he still loved me dearly and felt he would never get over me and deeply regretted ruining our family, how much he had changed ect... I do still love him and thought over the years maybe he had realised what he had lost and has grown up. I agreed to give things another go and slowly start to spend time together as a family again. All was going well and our son got used to the 3 of us spending time together as a family. We then decided to look at buying our dream family home, went to view a house on Friday, he told our son 'mummy, daddy and you will all be living in a house together!' Put a note of interest in on Saturday for the house. Saturday evening he had been watching a football match and phoned me to say he was home, whilst talking on the phone (his mobile) his house phone started to ring in the background, I thought this was odd as when we lived together we never used the house phone, asked him if he was going to answer. He said people called to speak to the people who lived in the house before him and it was probably for them... I thought this sounded like a lie... house phone rang again and he picked it up and said 'sorry wrong number bye' without giving the caller a chance to speak and then rushed me off the phone... I thought the whole thing was odd (plus the fact he hadn't want to come and spend the night with me after watching football) and had a gut feeling... I decided to drive over to his house and see what was happening, I parked at end of the street and seen a woman arrive in a taxi and walk in. I then sat in the car for five minutes and then got out and rang his door bell which he wouldn't answer and phoned his phone which he ignored. He lied and lied the following morning saying he was sleeping inside the house and didn't hear me ringing bell and phoning and saying I was insane and a lunatic until I told him I had been sat at end of the road and watched her come in. Since then I have been bombarded with messesages about he has a problem and needs me to help and support him, how sorry he is, how it will never happen again, how he has messed up ect ect ect... I'm just so devistated. I want to be a family, I love him... I can't go back after this though can I? :(

Have the day with you and your son- order take away is a full Xmas dinner feels overwhelming. You have your own life and a child to look after without the need of added pressure from a partner who cannot keep it in his pants.

Off to take my son to visit Santa at the garden centre for afternoon tea on my own (supposed to be going as a family) feel so fucking depressed! It's even shitter that it's happened this time of year although I know no other time would be much better!

You may feel lonely now but having someone in your life who you know is repeatedly cheating on you will make you feel a lot lonelier in the long run, trust me.

You don't have to be a single mum forever, you are still very young and have ample time to meet a good man who genuinely loves and respects you, but that can't happen unless you let this leech go.

Your son deserves a father who respects his mother, what kind of example will this man set for your child?

Please don't fall into the trap of believing it is your job to fix him, you don't owe him anything and he has literally cheated on you 3 times, OP, to take him back would be detrimental to you and DS.

Do you want to wake up in ten years time, after he has cheated on you countless times more, and wonder where your life went? Wonder why you gave your youth to an older man who treats you like shit?

And I'm sorry but your family should not be encouraging you to stay with a gaslighting man who uses cocaine and has unprotected sex with prostitutes. Do you not see how much of a violation not using a condom is in itself? He could easily give you HIV. Do not risk your mental or physical health for this bastard.

You are lonely now and this is why you are considering taking him back, you will not be lonely forever. Move on.

Doolin thank you, you are right... I was thinking just party food for Christmas dinner might be a little less depressing than cooking a full Christmas dinner that he probably won't eat and will just make me feel sad.

The way he's put it on you to 'change him'.. only he can do that and it's further evidence of what a turd he is that he's trying to lump the responsibility for that onto you as well. Get rid. He's had enough chances don't you think?

No what you need are rules.
This is christmas, he messed you up. your ds is spending this christams with you. THEN you can agree about who your ds is going to spend his hristmas with. But you are in no obligation to have your ex that was STILL trying to screw you over at christmas.

If you have him over for Christmas you're giving the wrong message. Or maybe the right message if you still want to take him back.

You'd be very foolish to accept him back.

He's a punter. He gets something out of paying for sex beyond the sex itself. He wants unprotected sex with prostitutes. This isn't just cheating, this is a lifestyle. He won't give it up.

Couod you spend christmas with your family rather than just the two of you (you and your dc) @mothersc?

I agree with a PP. You are young and have plenty of time to rebuold a life, and have a family. One with someone that actually loves and respect you.

The choice to have him back is yours, but it wont be a surprise when he carries on with the same patterns of behaviour.

So, if you can choose to be free from someone who enjoys that sort of lifestyle, you have a much better chance of happiness and peace for you and your family. Good luck.

Canihaveadrink I don't have family... I have my brother and dad but they are both working away on Christmas... my sister lives abroad

You cry thinking about eating alone with your child on Xmas day? But do you really think that eating with your child and the man who has repeatedly cheated with prostitutes, lied, and called you crazy is the makings of a happy family?

I get being a single mum can be lonely and hard, but is it harder and lonelier than being a mum who sits at home in the evenings wondering if her dp is out spending family money on sex workers? A mum whose dp's attitude to women is to buy them (and that includes you) wondering if his attitude will rub off on her child? A mum who has to constantly worry about STIs? A mum wondering what her dp is doing every time he's late? A mum who gets called crazy ever time she voices understandable concerns?

He's proved time and again he can't be trusted. He couldn't keep it in his pants when you were pregnant ffs. And despite trying to woo you again and playing doting dad, he didn't keep it in his pants now.

All the poor me, I have a problem, support me through it is sickening. He choose to book a sex worker, he didn't accidentally stick his dick in her. He choose to phone her, choose to wait til she turned up, choose to let her in, choose to fuck her. And then choose to call you nuts. He'd prefer to let you believe you were paranoid and crazy rather than admit the truth. And now you want to believe he wants to change. Now, after 9 months of pregnancy and 4 years of you single handiedly bring up your dc, he suddenly wants to change?

I'd take lonely single mum with the hope of meeting someone else status over 'paranoid', gaslit, miserable fantasy happy family life any day!

Thingsdogetbetter I know you are right thank you

ps syphilis can be contracted and passed on by kissing.... what if he kisses your son and passes it on to him?

urghhhh just no way on earth would I allow a man like that anywhere near my children if I had any. Father or not. Sperm and money donor is all he is really. I would not let him through my DOOR.

One day you will wake up and regret this wasted time.

If you are lonely up, get down your community centre in 2020 and join some meetup groups. Life does not revolve around having a man in it. You feel this lonely because you stopped giving a shit about you, you became his doormat and that is why it hurts so much now.

No - you are worth more than this sleazebag. Make today day one of the changing you. Get some boundaries in place.

www.healthline.com/health/sexually-transmitted-diseases/std-from-kissing

Syphilis, a bacterial infection, isn’t typically transmitted by kissing. It’s more commonly spread through oral, anal, or genital sex. But syphilis can cause sores in your mouth that can transmit the bacteria to someone else.

Sorry OP, I think I came across way too harsh! It's obviously a shit and difficult time to have your dreams smashed. Have seen your updates and think you're doing the right thing. Sharing Xmas day playing happy families might ignite that dream again, and gives him an opportunity to win you round again. Your dc will make Xmas day special for you. The two of you are a family. A real one, not some fantasy.

He thinks women are commodities to be bought. Including you. He's bought you a house and a dog to keep you sweet. Are you financially secure? Does he own the house or you? Is there a mortgage on it. Can you afford the repayments?

I couldn't even look a man who thought paying for sex was acceptable.

You may be a single mother now but you may well meet someone else who you deserve - I managed it - if he is continually pulling you back and forth you will suddenly realise when your son is grown you have wasted the one life you have. Don't.

He's going to give you a disease. That will be far worse than a Christmas dinner with your family, your son and your dog. He will never stop using prostitutes. Ever. You'd be a total fool to take him back.

No, don't have him round your house at Christmas. Your DS is used to him not being there and YOU need to break your habit of having him around, tolerating him and making excuses for him. You need to move on and stop using him as a crutch for your loneliness. I know it's hard that it's happened at this time of year, that you had all these plans and that you've bought him presents. My advice? Send the presents back, save your money and make 2020 the year you take control of your life and your feelings. Loving him has done you nothing but harm. Yes, get some counselling to address your neediness and lack of self esteem - that would be a really positive start to the new decade - but draw a line under your relationship with him right now. He doesn't love you. He uses you. You're convenient to him, because you've always been prepared to give him another chance. That stops right now. It has to.

He's a punter. He gets something out of paying for sex beyond the sex itself. He wants unprotected sex with prostitutes. This isn't just cheating, this is a lifestyle. He won't give it up

This ^^

As another pps said too - he buys you stuff too, so he sees women as a collection of services to be bought.

I don't think you love HIM you love the idea of family. This punter will never be that. You and your DC is your family.

And make another appointment with the sexual health clinic. That woman you saw going into his house last night wasn't there to do the dusting. If you think your life is sad and lonely now, wait until you've got an STI you'll be stuck with for life and think how hard dating will be then.

Herpes is forever.

Chlamydia makes you infertile.

HIV can kill you. So can other STDs if left unchecked.

Still love him?

You say you want a family and you are lonely without him...if you took him back you could call yourself a family but do you want a so called family with a man who puts himself first, gaslights, uses manky prostitutes with your family money, lies, cheats and puts your health at risk....and then blames you and makes it your responsibility to cure him. He makes these decisions, he’s not ill.
Get some bloody self respect and bin him off. He doesn’t love you, or he wouldn’t do this to you and his son would he?
Do you want this mank as a role model for your son? Someone who does drugs and buys sex. He’s a deadbeat loser, find your dignity.
You will take him back though and more fool you.

What have you done on previous Christmas es?
Does he normally come over for the day?
You say you had Co parented successfully up to the point he declared he still loved you.
So.. You tried again, it has not worked, you can go back to being Co parents.
But you will need to pull up your big pants.. Tell this man that is the deal.. Co parents nothing else.
He stops telling your son how mummy and daddy are going to be together, he stops messaging you, etc etc.

I for one would start with Christmas day.. If you usually spend it with your son together then do that.
If you would usually have separate time with your son do that.
Going forward he should be having some time with your son.. And in that time you need to get out and meet new people.
You don't have to be single or lonely.. Join something, or arrange things with friends for when ex has son..

The best thing you can do is get on with your own life...

Op your life is your oyster still. You only have 1 ds, and you're young with your whole life ahead of you.

Go cold turkey on this man. You will never be able to trust him anyway, even if he went on one knee and offered you the ring with the flowers and the big wedding do.

Men who use prostitutes do so for specific reasons, fantasies etc. There's every chance he'd get the urge for whatever particular thing he's after and do it again.

He can NEVER be trusted.

But you, well you can go anywhere, do anything. You can meet someone new for whom visiting a prostitute will never be on their radar. Someone who treats you well. Someone you can trust. Plenty of capable, decent older men out there if you feel that's what you need.

Close your eyes and imagine yourself mid-life or early forties, 2 more dc's and him going out and coming back late and you sat up worrying about where he is? Only you have less choices available to you.

Imagine it hard.