I can't take him back even if I wanted too can I?

[mothersc]

Have ds 4 with exp. we have been together for 7 years since I was 18, he is 12 years older than me. He cheated on me when I was 18 within the first 6 months with a prostitution. Young and dumb I took him back with the excuse of we weren't properly together and it would never happen again, he lavished me with gifts of a car and a puppy to say how much he loved me, how serious he was and it wouldn't happen again. 3 years later (happy years) and he said he really wanted us to have a child... I had the security of owning our own home and thought we had a secure relationship, when I was 6 months pregnant I found texts on his phone of him arranging for a prositiute to come to our home when I was away for a night to take Cocaine and he would pay extra for unprotected sex. Was distraught, left my home and had to undergo sexual health screening and ruined my pregnancy and I was left suffering from PND after the birth. He supported me financially, bought me a new house and car, paid maintenance and bought anything I needed for the baby and over the past 4 years we built an amicable co parenting relationship for the sake of my son... about 6 months ago whilst watching our sons swimming lesson he declared he still loved me dearly and felt he would never get over me and deeply regretted ruining our family, how much he had changed ect... I do still love him and thought over the years maybe he had realised what he had lost and has grown up. I agreed to give things another go and slowly start to spend time together as a family again. All was going well and our son got used to the 3 of us spending time together as a family. We then decided to look at buying our dream family home, went to view a house on Friday, he told our son 'mummy, daddy and you will all be living in a house together!' Put a note of interest in on Saturday for the house. Saturday evening he had been watching a football match and phoned me to say he was home, whilst talking on the phone (his mobile) his house phone started to ring in the background, I thought this was odd as when we lived together we never used the house phone, asked him if he was going to answer. He said people called to speak to the people who lived in the house before him and it was probably for them... I thought this sounded like a lie... house phone rang again and he picked it up and said 'sorry wrong number bye' without giving the caller a chance to speak and then rushed me off the phone... I thought the whole thing was odd (plus the fact he hadn't want to come and spend the night with me after watching football) and had a gut feeling... I decided to drive over to his house and see what was happening, I parked at end of the street and seen a woman arrive in a taxi and walk in. I then sat in the car for five minutes and then got out and rang his door bell which he wouldn't answer and phoned his phone which he ignored. He lied and lied the following morning saying he was sleeping inside the house and didn't hear me ringing bell and phoning and saying I was insane and a lunatic until I told him I had been sat at end of the road and watched her come in. Since then I have been bombarded with messesages about he has a problem and needs me to help and support him, how sorry he is, how it will never happen again, how he has messed up ect ect ect... I'm just so devistated. I want to be a family, I love him... I can't go back after this though can I? :(

New muma83 do you mean on Christmas Day? He will definitely spend the day trying to worm his way back in with me... he's already talking about all the gifts he has for me for Christmas despite me telling him that I don't want anything from a punter.

My son would be happy to have him there I just don't know if it will create a horrible atmosphere and I can't bear to listen to his pathetic attempt at apologies of how sorry he is (that he was caught)

Regardless I will make it a lovely day for my son and I won't be getting back with my ex but if I let him spend any time with us Christmas Day or not... I'm not sure

It sounds condescending but you're so young. You don't want to waste the best years of your life on someone like this.

Can you imagine the rest of your life always wondering what he's up to and never able to feel at ease?

Yes, it's shit right now, especially at this time of year but you are 100% better off without this person. He has no respect for you or women in general so your child will be better off with less of his influence too.

Take this as an opportunity to close the door to anything more than a civil parenting relationship and start doing something for yourself.
Get out and meet other people, there's a whole world out there. Don't let him hold you back any longer.

Surely it's time to keep him out of your house and away from YOU at least for a while OP?

He's a scummy, skanky hoe... I just could not have someone like that anywhere near my child. He can leave the presents outside if he must.

Get some self-respect and boundaries.

"My mum left me as a child and I think the low self esteem stems from that. I have emailed a therapist last night to organise counselling."

So sorry to hear that OP. But it goes some way to explaining why you are clinging on so desperately to a skanky man. It's a massive abandonment wound.

Check out Lisa A Romano on YouTube.

You are trying to fix the childhood wound.

You need to cut this abuser out to do that though. He repeatedly abandons you.

Of course he's bought you lots of gifts - he's used to buying services from women.

Could you dad take your son to Macdonalds for an hour and meet your ex there ? That way you don’t need to see him and he can give DS his Christmas presents.

Could you trust your dad to supervise it properly?

Oh I think I have confused people, I'm meeting my dad for dinner tonight. My dad met with my ex last nights because he wanted to speak to him for whatever reason. So I presume tonight my dad will relay whatever my ex said to him back to me. My son is at his dads just now... he had him overnight last night, I need the break and as far as parenting with him I haven't had any causes for concern to think i should stop it.

OP, you deserve better than this piece of shit.

There are plenty of lovely men out there really. And actually, it's better being on your own than being in a demeaning, deceitful, degrading relationship like this.

Put up some boundaries. Communicate with him by email only. Don't see him. Don't be in the same room as him. Cut contact and break free.

Start 2020 a strong independent woman. And look after yourself and your son.

yes Christmas can be hard if you're doing it alone, but it's just one day. Then back to real life and the new start that you can build up.

(and if you can't do it for yourself, do it for your son- why would you want him to think this is normal for a relationship).

And yes your H will try all sorts to get you back - presents, claiming mental illness, claiming he'll go to therapy, claiming he's changed.

I suggest you read Lundy Bancroft and do the Freedom Programme.

i've been there OP, but it's lovely on the other side, it really is. I have a lovely kind honest DP now and can only look back in horror at what I put up with then. You're worth more.

OP you mentioned he bought you a house, but later on you say you will be seeing a solicitor to get the house put into your name. Is the house actually yours or is it solely in his name?

I'd be careful of your dad, tbh. From what he's said he is likely to be an appeaser of your abusive ex and put pressure on you to "forgive and forget".

Take care of yourself. And don't see the slimeball - he's manipulative as fuck and he'll use every chance he has to get one over on you.

The house is joint mortgage in both our names as I wouldn't have managed to get a mortgage with my income on my own at the time. He says he's happy to sign it over to me.

He bought me a house as in he put down 50% and he pays the mortgage payments each month on it as well as paying my car, insurance and maintenance and then he buys all clothes and anything for our son...

I agree he thinks women can be bought

I agree his treatment of women is vile and the drugs are disgusting but surely this will be kept separate from his parenting of our child
FFS OP - please read this thread again & try to appreciate who the father of your child is.
When you say "keep separate" - what do you mean? Sure, I imagine he will take the trouble to not actually snort lines in front of his child, or demonstrate shagging-without-a-condom in front of your boy's very eyes.
But how the royal fuck are you managing to convince yourself that his disgusting attitude to women will not permeate every interaction with his son? That he won't drive his son around coked up to the eyeballs? That he won't be teaching his son that people are just objects that can be bought & controlled with money & gifts?

and would be more detrimental to our child to not have his dad in his life.
How?
How is it detrimental to NOT have a drug-abusing, STD-spreading, sex-worker exploiting, calculatedly lying, cheating arsehole in your son's life?
You are making exactly the same mistake for your son as you are for yourself - imagining that life without a man in it is in some undefined way "detrimental".
Your son can have plenty of positive male role models in his life. Sport coaches, teachers, friends ...

I am sorry to have 'spoken' harshly here OP.
But you are deluding yourself about this man, you have been deluded about him for over 4 years, you have taken him back time & again ... & now it seems you are actively seeking any excuse, any thread of contact, to keep him in your lives.

Obviously - it's your decision if you ultimately decide to facilitate contact for this man & your son. But I would urge you to do so ONLY via a contact centre with supervised access. You are at perfect liberty to cite your Ex's drug addiction & immoral, STD-risking sexploitation of women as your reasons.

But I think you are clinging on to contact with Ex for your own reasons & this is not healthy for you. Please try to understand this - you CANNOT be "in love" with this man. He is not worthy of your love, & your intellect knows this. What you actually have for his is not love - it is a trauma bond.
thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2018/04/5-signs-youre-in-a-destructive-trauma-bond-with-a-toxic-person/

& if you allow him unsupervised access to your son - your son will have his own chance to develop trauma bonds. Or ape his dad's nastier behaviours. You don't want that for your son - ergo - you don't want this man in your life.

Stop minimising, & start planning for the rest of your & your son's lives - emotionally healthy & fulfilled, without being dragged back into the mire & lies which is all your son's dad has to offer you both.

OP - I have just now read about your mum, & am so sorry for that. But you cannot 'fix' whatever happened in your childhood - you can only protect your son's childhood & get counselling to understand more about how your early experiences have impacted your adult decisions.

Do NOT give in to Ex's incessant demands to spend Xmas at yours, no matter what presents he bangs on about. It's revolting that he is not even thinking about his behaviour, all he is thinking about is buying his way back to you. Again. He is a very sick-minded man.

If you feel yourself wavering, read @Gemma1971's post again, & stop fooling yourself about Ex's parenting not impacting your boy:

Will never forget when my ex called a woman who walked past us a slut.... in front of his 6 year old son to one of his previous marriages.

Why in GOD'S NAME I did not run like the fucking wind at that exact point I have no idea.....

This type of man does not deserve children.

I don't know - I think preventing fathers from having contact with their DC is really a last resort thing.

Separating from his dad gives a clear signal to DS that you see his behaviour is unacceptable. As he grows, you and his dad will both influence him: you just have to do your best to be a better role model and find better role models for him in your time with him.

I admit I have no experience with cocaine use but unless he has been neglectful or abusive towards DS, I think you're right to aim for amicable co-parenting as far as possible.

You sound stronger, OP - now comes the tricky part of standing your ground against your dad and friends, should they encourage you to give him a second (fourth? nth?) chance.

Really proud of you OP:
You have stayed strong and clear and it is brilliant that you have been pro active and downloaded the Freedom Programme and looked for counselling.

Great work.

I agree re wary about your Dad. If he has any reaction other than ‘I would kill you for betraying my daughter but since that is illegal, I will settle for making sure that you do the right thing by supporting your son, and leave her well alone”

Be especially wary if your Dad is susceptible to ‘that’s what men are like he meant no harm”.

How was it with your dad?

My dad said that he agrees with everything I said re: him being disgusting, having no respect for women, having no respect for me, thinking women and consent to sex is something that can be bought, the fact he said he wouldn't do it again before and he did...

He also said that he thinks I should take my time to think about what I am going to do and not make any rash decisions. That he doesn't think that my ex is a bad person but has just made bad choices. He thinks that the problem is with the drugs and the drugs make him behave a way that he normally wouldn't. He said that when he spoke to my ex he truly believe that he is sorry and that he is ready and wants to make changes (he said the same thing when he done it 4 years ago). He thinks the problem is that he has too much money and has done from a young age... (not sure what that even means)

Basically he thinks he can change.

I don't.

I said 'he said the same things to us 4 years ago when he done it and he hasn't changed, I gave him another chance that he didn't deserve and he done it again, do I give him another chance the next time that he does it and if so, when does it end?' I'd have no respect for myself what so ever if I took him back and he has already shown he has no respect for me so if I took him back after this then I would imagine he would have even less respect left for me for the fact that I put up with his crappy behaviour.

I think to give my dad some slack he was brought up quite poor and I think money and a fancy house, lifestyle is what he perceives as happiness and succeeding in life but I did try to explain to him that even in the big house with the fancy car ect I would still be miserable looking over my shoulder every two minutes and he just said he wants what's best for me and my future...

I don't think it comes from a bad place just different outlooks because of the upbringing that he had.

I feel exhausted. Not sleeping well at all. I asked my ex to look after our son for a few days as I was needing a break but after 1 night he was crying to come home and saying he missed me so he is back home with me tonight. I'm having trouble getting to sleep and then he gets up at 5am every morning. I seen my ex when he dropped him off earlier tonight but my son was upset with wanting to come home and I was busy seeing to him and just said 'bye' and closed the door. I have blocked his number from my phone so he can only email me and I will pick when to read them rather than having to see his messages all day every day. Got my hair done today and at least look a bit better... feel pretty awful.

Also sounds like he is going to go ahead and buy our dream family home that we viewed together and put note of interest in on his own which will be pretty brutal at pick ups and drop offs in future having to see what was supposed to be my new family home...

Says he's buying it for us as a family and he hopes I will move in in time 😴😴

I know it's just a house but still...

Don't get back with him for the sake of one day. You son won't notice if you make it special. You know what you need to do. You deserve better.

Money can't buy love, happiness, or fidelity. It ain't worth shit if you're with a cheating drug user.

The world is full of lovely people. Just not this one.

I know that... I did/do love him but yeah it can't make someone a nice person or buy fidelity and without that I know I would be miserable no matter how much money.

Think my dads reasoning is security which is something he didn't have growing up so he values it above most other things

And for me the reason I struggle to cut ties is low self esteem from my own experiences and my desperation to give my child a 'proper' family

But yeah time to work on my self esteem and look forward to better things to come in the future.

I explained to our son quickly tonight that we wouldn't be living in the new house together but we would stay in our lovely house as we are so happy here and daddy would be moving to the new house so he can go visit whenever he likes.

I do hope for our son that my ex changes and stops taking drugs and gets therapy for his problem with how he views/treats women but I doubt he will... I feel bad for the dad that I chose for my child :( he deserves better

About to fall asleep but before I forget, be wary of people IRL pulling out the old "he's genuinely sorry" card. I have no doubt my abusive ex was genuinely sorry every time he hit me or cheated on me. I'm not saying that in a sarcastic way, he really was sorry. And he really thought he wouldn't do it again. But he did. Again and again.

I'll always be the one that got away for him and I know he genuinely believes I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I probably was. But it was never enough.

It used to fuck me off so much when people would tell me he looked like a broken man after I finally left. So he should - he spent years bullying someone, lying to them and convincing them they were a paranoid nutter.

He was sorry, he was fucked up and he was gutted. But he made his bed. It is not my (or your) responsibility to fix a broken man.

Anyway, in the process of trial and error I've learned two things the very hard way:

1. Love isn't enough.
2. Sorry isn't enough.

You sound like a lovely mum and seem to have your head screwed on, I'm rooting for you to be able to move on from this dickhead