I can't take him back even if I wanted too can I?

[mothersc]

Have ds 4 with exp. we have been together for 7 years since I was 18, he is 12 years older than me. He cheated on me when I was 18 within the first 6 months with a prostitution. Young and dumb I took him back with the excuse of we weren't properly together and it would never happen again, he lavished me with gifts of a car and a puppy to say how much he loved me, how serious he was and it wouldn't happen again. 3 years later (happy years) and he said he really wanted us to have a child... I had the security of owning our own home and thought we had a secure relationship, when I was 6 months pregnant I found texts on his phone of him arranging for a prositiute to come to our home when I was away for a night to take Cocaine and he would pay extra for unprotected sex. Was distraught, left my home and had to undergo sexual health screening and ruined my pregnancy and I was left suffering from PND after the birth. He supported me financially, bought me a new house and car, paid maintenance and bought anything I needed for the baby and over the past 4 years we built an amicable co parenting relationship for the sake of my son... about 6 months ago whilst watching our sons swimming lesson he declared he still loved me dearly and felt he would never get over me and deeply regretted ruining our family, how much he had changed ect... I do still love him and thought over the years maybe he had realised what he had lost and has grown up. I agreed to give things another go and slowly start to spend time together as a family again. All was going well and our son got used to the 3 of us spending time together as a family. We then decided to look at buying our dream family home, went to view a house on Friday, he told our son 'mummy, daddy and you will all be living in a house together!' Put a note of interest in on Saturday for the house. Saturday evening he had been watching a football match and phoned me to say he was home, whilst talking on the phone (his mobile) his house phone started to ring in the background, I thought this was odd as when we lived together we never used the house phone, asked him if he was going to answer. He said people called to speak to the people who lived in the house before him and it was probably for them... I thought this sounded like a lie... house phone rang again and he picked it up and said 'sorry wrong number bye' without giving the caller a chance to speak and then rushed me off the phone... I thought the whole thing was odd (plus the fact he hadn't want to come and spend the night with me after watching football) and had a gut feeling... I decided to drive over to his house and see what was happening, I parked at end of the street and seen a woman arrive in a taxi and walk in. I then sat in the car for five minutes and then got out and rang his door bell which he wouldn't answer and phoned his phone which he ignored. He lied and lied the following morning saying he was sleeping inside the house and didn't hear me ringing bell and phoning and saying I was insane and a lunatic until I told him I had been sat at end of the road and watched her come in. Since then I have been bombarded with messesages about he has a problem and needs me to help and support him, how sorry he is, how it will never happen again, how he has messed up ect ect ect... I'm just so devistated. I want to be a family, I love him... I can't go back after this though can I? :(

Thank you all for taking the time to write...

I know how weak I am at the moment... I replied via email just to say stop contacting me as there's absolutely no way back from this and I'm not interested. He's had his chances (more than deserved) and he has blown it. Said he isn't welcome for Christmas Day (our son is used to him being away for work so he won't notice or care) and I will donate his presents that I can't return to a homeless shelter.

I said that what he can do to repair some of the damage to coparent in a positive way in future is to send me a lump sum of money to pay for the therapy I need to address my poor self esteem that I ever gave him all these chances in the first place and I will arrange a meeting with a solicitor before he goes back to work to have my house legally signed over to me.

The only thing he's shown himself to be any good for and reliable with is financially so I might as well make sure I'm sorted financially.

Definitely time to move on... I'm going to get a good therapist and do the freedom movement some of you have recommended.

He's asked if he is allowed to attend our sons nativity on Thursday... do I say yes? No?

His messages make my skin crawl.

He is scum.

Come on Love. It's not nice being a single parent but really, is this really better?

A life with someone using prostitutes, risking your sexual health, lying, cheating, setting this disgusting role model for your son? And then there's him watching you put up with it too. Will he feel sorry for you, or will he grow up to be just like his dad and find a woman just like you to put up with his shit?

Be strong. You've been alone before and you can do it again. Do it for your son. Someone decent will come along when you realise your own self worth.

God he's not just a cunt, he's pathetic too.

I’ll be honest I didn’t think I would care as much as I do. I had a few niggling doubts with us, I genuinely didn’t know how much you liked me

I'm pretty sure my boyfriend age 15 said "I didn't know how much you liked me" when he text my best mate. When we were 15. Imagine saying the same thing to the MOTHER OF YOUR CHILD.

Forgetting you for a second here...

Well he's had practice due to the three minutes he presumably forgot you when he was shagging a prostitute.

Btw this isn't exact as counted quickly but he says "I" 35 times and "you" 11 times. Not surprisingly. Such self serving bullshit he is spouting.

Jesus wept OP if you take him back you are going to regret it for the rest of your life. Every time this happens. Which will be many times.

Please don't give the rest of your life to this arsehole. It really, really doesn't have to be like this.

Ah so glad to see this update! Go you OP!

It's entirely up to you but if you're asking for a positive coparenting relationship then he should be at the nativity. If theres two showings you could go separately but if it needs to be together you should make it very clear that there will be no discussing you as a couple. You are there for son only and there's nothing more to say.

wishing you so much happiness in 2020

Yes to attending the nativity, but not a chance in hell of attending with you.

Personally, I wouldn't take his money for therapy either.

He's asked if he is allowed to attend our sons nativity on Thursday... do I say yes? No?

No.
Complete break until his 3 week whatever-it-is is over, & you have had legal advice about your house.

If you want to box clever, phrase that as "I am hurt & assessing my options. I do not want any contact from you until xxth January."

Then, when you contact him to arrange the meeting at the solicitor's (who you will already have met to take advice from, on your own), you tell him that you need him to prove he is serious about his son by signing whatever it takes to put the house into your sole name - so that you can be certain that son will always have a home with you, no matter what addictions his father is funding.

You don't sound like you have any qualms about him signing the property over ..? - so make that you New Year's Goal, keep telling Ex that you cannot even consider your relationship until your & your son's interests are protected ...
Get whatever you need legally & financially from him ...
then dump & block.

I'd be more concerned about Ex's access rights if he were any type of human being that should be around kids. Your son is MUCH better off without his on/off parenting style, & as you have mentioned upthread, doesn't expect to see him anyway. Keep it that way. Your boy doesn't need this revolting man becoming any kind of role model - or to see his mum being upset by him.

Onward & upward OP. You have everything to gain, & - outside of getting the legal & financial matters sorted next month - NOTHING to lose by getting this waster out of your & your son's lives.

So now he's shifting the blame to you. He didn't realise how much you really liked him so it was ok in his mind to cheat. If only you had shown your love more and made him realize you really wanted him, he won't have fucked a sex worker? He had doubts - all the while making promises to you and your child! If he had such big doubts what the hell was he leading you on for? Leading on a four year old child!

And NOW the poor babyman has finally realised you and child are what he wants after all. Bless him........ cos the first time he broke your heart and risked his relationship with his child wasn't enough to work that out?! He was quite happy to risk doing it a second time. What a self centred wanker! Instead of being eternally grateful that you were considering letting him become part of your family again, he choose to do the exact same thing.

But it wasn't really his fault was it! WTF! Talk about minimising. It wasn't the real me......I didn't think you loved me..... it was just a fuck up ....... It shows how he really doesn't understand what HE has done. Breaking your heart and dashing your dreams AGAIN is just a fuck up to him. A fuck up! A fuck up without a condom that might have passed something nasty or deadly to the mother of his child!

And he didn't think he'd care? So in his head he'd already thought about how he'd feel if you caught him and dumped him - and decided he won't really be bother! How romantic! What a declaration of love that is!

This man is so up his own arse I'm surprised he can walk. Time to find your anger OP! I'd lend you some of mine if I could. I'm fuming on you and your child's behalf.

I'd say no to the nativity. Or yes, on condition he doesn't attempt to sit with you, approach you or attempt to discuss your relationship.

It's entirely up to you but if you're asking for a positive coparenting relationship

@mothersc - if you believe your Ex is capable of a positive coparenting relationship, you are barking mad. And I don't think you are barking mad. You come over as smart & sensible ... apart from the unfortunate previous dependence on your Ex, which is a separate matter & one for you to address next year with some long term therapy.

Ex has had 4 years to provide a positive co-parenting experience.
He has signally chosen not to - to the extent that his own son barely knows him (good!) & ddoesn;t think about him enough to ever expect to see him.

That's strike one.
Strike two is the cocaine, three is the ... FOUL use of prostitites. It's not just the disrespect to you OP, is the disrespect & callous regard he has for the sex workers themselves. Imagining his money gives him the right to exploit women even furgther by paying them enough to go without condoms is ... despicable.

No boy needs to be around a man like that.
Ex may be able to conceal his sexpolitation from his son - for a time.
He won't be able to conceal his disgusting attitude to women. You really don't want your son absorbing any of that attitude, do you OP?

Messolini is spot on.

Please realise that any person who has done this and then asks to attend a play is actually saying "I think I can still talk you round if I can just see you face to face cos I'm such a charmer and I managed it before".

A decent human being would allow you to lead any contact and only be concerned with seeing dc in a way that didn't upset you any further.

Will never forget when my ex called a woman who walked past us a slut.... in front of his 6 year old son to one of his previous marriages.

Why in GOD'S NAME I did not run like the fucking wind at that exact point I have no idea.....

This type of man does not deserve children.

He does have a relationship with our son but he works away 7 months of the year but when he is home he is consistent in being there and seeing him but with only being 4 he doesn't have a concept of time to know when his dad should be away or home so he wouldn't think or question not seeing him on Christmas Day...

I agree his treatment of women is vile and the drugs are disgusting but surely this will be kept separate from his parenting of our child and would be more detrimental to our child to not have his dad in his life. He loves his dad and has a great relationship with his grandparents on dads side.

He has treated me appallingly and this in turn has then effected our son but I don't want to do wrong by our son and damage him by stopping him having a father in his life...

He sees him for the weekend and overnights ect and tends to do fun things with him like park, cinema, days out ect... and not any real parenting or making decisions which is left to me. The way I see it is it's enough for our son to have a relationship and know he is loved from both parents but not enough to have a real influence on who he will be as a person

Overnights?

Mmmm... I hope he does not allow him to sleep in the bed with him in sheets where he has had prostitutes. Bacteria and viruses in the bathroom... towels..... OMG OP... I am really not sure if I would keep allowing that....

I think you might want to calm down there with your germophobia.

Sorry! I was raised by an infectious diseases nurse....

You know he's only sorry and feeling "guilty" because you found out don't you OP?
If you go back now, you've practically given him a green light to continue treating you like this.
He's a liar and a cheat and is now manipulating you by pulling the 'help me' card. Honeslty lovely, he's pathetic.
He can't and won't change because that's just who he is unfortunately. And you'll never be able to fully trust him so what's the point?? Detach from what destroys you xxx

@category12 and @Gemma1971 😂😂😂

'That’s not been the case though. I’m actually devastated at what I’ve done, that wasn’t me on Saturday though that’s not the (his name) who just goes for a few pints and comes home that was a different side of me I’ll never see again as long as I live.'

Yeah he's done it befor though, so it's not completely out of character.

I loved your response, well done. xxx

There has been lots of good advice, and I will add that you must not go back to this abusive man.

Start the Freedom programme.

Buy the books by Lundy Bancroft: Why does he do that?

And

Should I stay or should I go? By Dr Ramani Durvasula

You have not mentioned your mother in all of this. Has she passed away?
Did she leave you?
This might be part of your low self esteem. (Sorry I don’t want to upset you.)

Do you have support from other friends and family while you go through this? Grandparents, cousins?

You need to start living yourself more. Get your name on the deeds of the house sorted out straight away.

Every time he texts you go on YouTube and watch a relationship video by:
Inner integration
Matthew Hussey
Alex Cormont
Surviving narcissism
Russell Brand
Narc Survivor
Sarah Speaks

Research about cluster b personalities: narcissists/sociopaths/psychopaths

Knowledge is power.

You will recognise the abusive behaviour that he displays as abusers are high in these traits.

You need to detox this unhealthy man out of your life and you will go through withdrawal like coming off of drugs, because the intermittent reinforcement acts like drugs to the brain. This is not like a regular relationship.

Makesure when you have therapy they know about cluster b personalities.

You deserve much better than him and so does your son.

Love yourself more.

The comments are really helpful. I have bought the freedom plan and will look into getting some of those books. I'm not going back... I can't. I know I would be miserable living a life looking over my shoulder and I deserve better.

My mum left me as a child and I think the low self esteem stems from that. I have emailed a therapist last night to organise counselling.

I feel like after a miserable childhood and sad teenage years I finally felt I had built my own family and this was the start of my happy life, I do feel like when is the misery going to end.

I have friends but because he has put me through so much and this is the third time he has done it to me I feel embarrassed. Family side I really don't have much, I'm seeing my dad for dinner tonight and he text asking if he could go and meet with my ex to talk, I said if he wanted and he went and spoke with him last night. Will be interesting to see what he has to say but it won't change my decision and unless ex has a personality transplant I can't go back, I'm not going through this again and I just want to be happy now and only chance I have of that is to move on.

Catergory12 the germ phobia comment made me laugh.

The misery ends now, OP. You've made a great decision to value yourself in the light of someone treating you like crap. Your can't change how people treat you, but you're doing what you can, which is walking away when they do.

I bet your DS is a lovely lad - that's your strong unit now, you and him. Build your friendships back up - avoid the topic of your ex if it embarrasses you. It's more important to find people whose company you enjoy and who like being with you. You'll get a good support network that way. Your DS is just the right age for you to meet people and make new friends!

@mothersc if you can stomach it maybe meet him for an hour to have some time with your son in a neutral place ? Or at a family members ?
Having him in your home seems like but to much for me if it was me but if your son loves his dad ... and his dad isn’t putting him at risk then I would try to stomach and hour or so and it would stop me being riddled with guilt later so a slight selfish perspective to ( not that you should feel guilt it’s just how I am wired )

What’s your gut instinct say. ?

If you arrange contact time with you there too, his focus will not be on DS but on persuading you to give him another chance. He'll look unkempt and depressed, or he'll be Disney Dad and doing/wearing everything he knows you've fancied/loved him in the past for.

Don't be there for contact time. Don't host it in your house either.