I can't take him back even if I wanted too can I?

[mothersc]

Have ds 4 with exp. we have been together for 7 years since I was 18, he is 12 years older than me. He cheated on me when I was 18 within the first 6 months with a prostitution. Young and dumb I took him back with the excuse of we weren't properly together and it would never happen again, he lavished me with gifts of a car and a puppy to say how much he loved me, how serious he was and it wouldn't happen again. 3 years later (happy years) and he said he really wanted us to have a child... I had the security of owning our own home and thought we had a secure relationship, when I was 6 months pregnant I found texts on his phone of him arranging for a prositiute to come to our home when I was away for a night to take Cocaine and he would pay extra for unprotected sex. Was distraught, left my home and had to undergo sexual health screening and ruined my pregnancy and I was left suffering from PND after the birth. He supported me financially, bought me a new house and car, paid maintenance and bought anything I needed for the baby and over the past 4 years we built an amicable co parenting relationship for the sake of my son... about 6 months ago whilst watching our sons swimming lesson he declared he still loved me dearly and felt he would never get over me and deeply regretted ruining our family, how much he had changed ect... I do still love him and thought over the years maybe he had realised what he had lost and has grown up. I agreed to give things another go and slowly start to spend time together as a family again. All was going well and our son got used to the 3 of us spending time together as a family. We then decided to look at buying our dream family home, went to view a house on Friday, he told our son 'mummy, daddy and you will all be living in a house together!' Put a note of interest in on Saturday for the house. Saturday evening he had been watching a football match and phoned me to say he was home, whilst talking on the phone (his mobile) his house phone started to ring in the background, I thought this was odd as when we lived together we never used the house phone, asked him if he was going to answer. He said people called to speak to the people who lived in the house before him and it was probably for them... I thought this sounded like a lie... house phone rang again and he picked it up and said 'sorry wrong number bye' without giving the caller a chance to speak and then rushed me off the phone... I thought the whole thing was odd (plus the fact he hadn't want to come and spend the night with me after watching football) and had a gut feeling... I decided to drive over to his house and see what was happening, I parked at end of the street and seen a woman arrive in a taxi and walk in. I then sat in the car for five minutes and then got out and rang his door bell which he wouldn't answer and phoned his phone which he ignored. He lied and lied the following morning saying he was sleeping inside the house and didn't hear me ringing bell and phoning and saying I was insane and a lunatic until I told him I had been sat at end of the road and watched her come in. Since then I have been bombarded with messesages about he has a problem and needs me to help and support him, how sorry he is, how it will never happen again, how he has messed up ect ect ect... I'm just so devistated. I want to be a family, I love him... I can't go back after this though can I? :(

Look up trauma bonding and intermittent reinforcement OP. It isn't love you feel, it's a trauma bond. You are being abused by the way.

How grate that he has finally acknowledged he has a problem. It’s the first step towards moving on the a better life.

It’s not your journey though. It’s his. You can’t do it for him. He needs to.

You need to heal. Take care of yourself and your dc and move on.

Leave him to fix himself. Because I bet you a lot of money he does nothing about it.

You will never have the life you want if you don't kick his sorry arse to the kerb.

How will you ever find someone truly worthy of you whilst you are still with this prick?

However if you can and are willing to paper over the cracks and not think every single time you have sex about him sticking his dick into sex workers crack on.

Just get him to pay upfront like they would as that is all you are to him OP.

He does cocaine not a man to be around children.

As for the rest who cares the drugs top it for not living with him.

If you do decide to give him his tenth chance be prepared to give the eleventh,twelfth, thirteenth you get where I'm going with it

I do still love him

OP, out of your entire initial post, THIS is the only thing you need to address.

What is there to love about him?
Why would you demean yourself with such a lying, unreliable, unfaithful, sex-worker exploiting cokehead?

Are you going to allow him to keep making grandiose staements & gestures that he does not mean & fails to follow though with - not incidentally fucking with your child's sense of stability & emotional wellbeing into the bargain?

Forget this twat, & book yourself into some form of counselling to help you see this 'relationship' for what it is & even more importantly, understand what it is that drove you to accept this chancer as your love object.

In the meantime, focus on your child, your dog, your work, your house & for crying out loud - yourself. A long course of talking therapy would be the best Xmas present you could give yourself this year.
You don't need a man right now - especially not this one - you need to work on the relationship you hold with YOURSELF, & why you have up until now allowed yourself to believe this pillock of a man was good enough for you.

OP, he has probably been sleeping with prostitutes during your entire relationship. Are you going to continue going for STD tests every month forevermore?

Yes he does have a problem, it’s that you keep catching him out

Nice one @Whatisthisfuckery. Admirably succinct.

Don’t take him back. You’ll just have years more of the same treatment as the problem is his and unless he’s willing to change he will continue to sleep with prostitutes, take drugs and lie. You are worth more and your son definitely deserves a better role model.

If the thought of doing Christmas dinner is too much, why not ask your son what he wants to have, his choice? Pizza and chocolate? Fine! Ice cream and prawn crackers? Brilliant! Stay in your pyjamas, watch tv and have the Christmas you want.

You will never be able to trust this man, once a cheat always a cheat. Your worth so much more.

Christmas will be ok without him, I spend Christmas alone with my 2dc’s, you don’t have to cook a Christmas dinner (I don’t). Don’t let this man worm his way back into your life, you will be fine without him.

After the first time, he promised he would change and it wouldn't happen again. He didn't change and it did happen again. After the second time, he promised he would change and it wouldn't happen again. He didn't, it did. After the third time, he's promised he will change and it won't happen again. He won't and it will. Surely you can see the pattern here.

And of course first time, second time, third time are only those times that you found out about. With the latest one, until you told him you had seen the woman enter his house, he was happy to lie and lie and lie to you saying he was asleep, didn't hear the phone or the doorbell etc. He's at it all the time, I guess, and unless you have proof, he will just lie to your face and deny everything.

He's obviously good at sweet-talking you and winning you round again so for that reason I would say do NOT spend Christmas Day with him. In fact, do not spend ANY time with him whatsoever. Anything concerning your DS, communicate with him formally e.g. by text or email. Do not give him the chance to engage you in conversation.

It's obviously a shit and difficult time to have your dreams smashed. Have seen your updates and think you're doing the right thing. Sharing Xmas day playing happy families might ignite that dream again, and gives him an opportunity to win you round again. Your dc will make Xmas day special for you. The two of you are a family. A real one, not some fantasy.

Exactly, @Thingsdogetbetter.
OP - there is nothing lonelier than being trapped in an abusive relationship. It is far, far, lonelier than being alone. People who live alone (or sole adult with dependent kids) will tell you that "alone", once faced & accepted, can turn faster than you believe possible into "solitary & pleased with my independence"; "alone but not lonely"; "enjoying my own company"; "making my own decisions"; "happy doing my best for my kids & me"; "no longer twisted in knots around an abusive loser" ...

You can do this. If not for you, for your boy. FFS he does NOT need this man messing him around any further, & he certainly should not be subject to any more whim-led parenting, let-downs, or Disney Dadding.

Please OP - Counselling. Self-esteem. Making your own life, on your own terms.

Get that sorted, & you eventually make space for romance - but this time with a FUNCTIONAL man, because your therapist will have helped you understand how to spot, avoid, & never again pander to, a dysfunctional one.

I will tell you what helped me. Free channels on YouTube:

Inner Integration
The Royal We
Lisa A Romano
Peace and Harmony
Richard Grannon
Balance Psychologies

You should leave the first time they lie to you. Failing that, make sure it's the last time by ending the relationship.

A man who thinks consent can be bought is a scumbag and is unlikely to ever change that viewpoint.

You deserve peace of mind.

Oh no no no, seriously no OP.

I'm a single Mum and it can be lonely but look, just because you're single right now it doesn't mean you will be forever. Being with him you'd be constantly on edge, wondering when he'll do it again.

Also as PP have said, what kind of human being thinks consent can be bought? Disgusting.

My options are to either spend Christmas Day with him as planned or Christmas Day on my own with my child. Every time I think of cooking a Christmas dinner for just me and him to eat on our own I cry.

I know how hard the thought of this is this at first, as I've been there, and still do it sometimes, though my dd is now 20. I came to enjoy it, and we're doing it this year, and it's miles better than being somewhere where there's a bad atmosphere or actual arguments.
You have to remember it's only a day or two and you have to fake it to an extent for the sake of your DS. It's when you truly have to be the adult in the situation- even feel a martyr if it helps- to make it an enjoyable day for your ds. Have pancakes for breakfast (pancakes are always special to children) blow up a few balloons, crank up the music, cook your special meal, and get the table cloth and all the trimmings out. DS will have new toys so he'll be happy. Don't allow yourself to think about all the other happy families out there (lots of them won't actually be feeling happy either in reality!). Go for a walk, play some games and snuggle up on the sofa with some chocolate and sweets etc after lunch. If you can afford to, buy yourself a really lovely Xmas present (from Father Christmas?) and wrap it up to open it with DS
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Bit of practical advice. Book you and DS into a cheap and cheerful hungry horse (or other pub) Christmas dinner to get you out of the house for a bit and amongst other people. And then when you get home, put a lovely innocent Christmas film on and cherish your chance of a new start.

I don't know where you are but there are some churches and other organisations who arrange things for people who would otherwise be alone at Christmas. Maybe there is something for single mums in your area? Or for women your age or?

OP, you have caught him out 3 times.
How many times do you think he has actually done this?
Many. Very many.
He is depraved and a liar.
He treats women like objects, to buy.
He does not love you, he treats you with no respect whatsoever - that is not love.
And I question whether you love him, or just feel needy and desperate. That is not love, either.

OP, I am so sorry you have been though all this. You have been duped, lied to, persuaded....and yes, bought, with houses and promises of a family dream house.

He will not ever change.

You can't put up with him fucking paid sex workers (with no protection) and lying to you, just to avoid being on your own on Christmas day!

And don't see him at all until you have done the Freedom Programme.

Everyone on this thread is on your side and feeling for you.

Please look after yourself - that means being strong enough to get rid of this absolute bastard of a man.

Can you get on a plane and visit your sister?

This man will NEVER change OP. Never ever change. If you take him back, all that happens is that you restart the cycle of reconciliation to normal to cheating to discovery to accusation to hurt to reconciliation and it will go on for years and years and years of your young lovely life. Your son will also get entangled in this endless domestic hell and it almost certainly will Impact him and his emotional development.
Your partner undoubtedly has terrible self esteem and needs to pay women to say and do things that make him feel amazing about himself. You cannot fix this. Your son cannot fix this. A psychologist might be able to fix this but only if he is hugely motivated to end it, and even then can YOU ever really trust again? Honestly I'd cut him loose, build your own financial independence and move on. He's a nightmare and I really think he will make your life a nightmare too, if you let him.

@Selmababies, great ideas.

Op, once you accept that you do not want or deserve to live like this then acceptance of being single follows. Being single doesn't mean being alone. There is a transition period but over time people come into your life that will be better for you.This could be women friends or a new partner. If however you tolerate what he is offering (lies, deceit, & disrespect) then you will never have anything else.

You are still so young that giving your life, and son's life, up to this man seems like an utter waste. Your son will be influenced by his father and if you make the break now he will find adjustment much easier.

Try to see the next few years as transition, a chance for you to rebuild your self esteem and find put who you are.

Do you work?

Hope he doesn’t drive with cocaine in his system, especially with your child in the car.
You deserve so much more than this, so does your child. Loneliness is hard though, but stay strong, you do all the other days of the year!

In the grande scheme of your life, Christmas is a tiny pimple. Book a local panto, get a delicious load of food in that you like, some DVD's and toast the rest of your free life. If you really believe thst your DS won't miss him, don't have him round.

Christmas is a couple of days.

I have lost count of the number of Christmases I have either worked or been alone due to flu or stuck somewhere else due to work.

You have to rational and logical, not emotional about this. Maybe he has a nice penis or something, but I cannot imagine wanting to be anywhere near it now!

Will I allow a skanky drug-taking lying hoe of a man to ruin my life? MY son's life? No? Yay, good choice. Now work on that self-esteem that you so clearly need!!

He’s a gaslighting, lying coke head. He will soon be riddled with stds (if he isn’t already) by paying extra for no condom.

He will never change.

if a friend.or your son in the future told you what his partnr had done to him over the years.every ingle thing what would you say to him,someone you love having been treated like that?
do you love him.or just hate being lonely.
your pulled back in so you havent actually felt what its like to be free and alone.so your lonely in a sense that there is this pull and unfinsihed chain holding nyou to someone.which then makes you miss them and therefore feeling lonely for something yourmissing.
but if nyou let him go and realise he is a dickhead you will be free.
and then you wont be alone but just living.and you will meet someone in the future.
but you havent been able to do this so far because you have this horrible shit round your neck,hangin on,reeling you back in.
let him go.
let yourself live.
start making your own pathways.your own routines for just you and your son.
then he will have now power,no way to make you feel lonely.or like you missing him or something he brings.
on your holiday you still mention how its been lonely because its without him.and again there you have it.you havent felt free and just having a holiday because you have been so focused on him not being there.
but he isnt there.and everything he is doing is proving he is wrong for you.using you.and bloody horrid.