I can't take him back even if I wanted too can I?

[mothersc]

Have ds 4 with exp. we have been together for 7 years since I was 18, he is 12 years older than me. He cheated on me when I was 18 within the first 6 months with a prostitution. Young and dumb I took him back with the excuse of we weren't properly together and it would never happen again, he lavished me with gifts of a car and a puppy to say how much he loved me, how serious he was and it wouldn't happen again. 3 years later (happy years) and he said he really wanted us to have a child... I had the security of owning our own home and thought we had a secure relationship, when I was 6 months pregnant I found texts on his phone of him arranging for a prositiute to come to our home when I was away for a night to take Cocaine and he would pay extra for unprotected sex. Was distraught, left my home and had to undergo sexual health screening and ruined my pregnancy and I was left suffering from PND after the birth. He supported me financially, bought me a new house and car, paid maintenance and bought anything I needed for the baby and over the past 4 years we built an amicable co parenting relationship for the sake of my son... about 6 months ago whilst watching our sons swimming lesson he declared he still loved me dearly and felt he would never get over me and deeply regretted ruining our family, how much he had changed ect... I do still love him and thought over the years maybe he had realised what he had lost and has grown up. I agreed to give things another go and slowly start to spend time together as a family again. All was going well and our son got used to the 3 of us spending time together as a family. We then decided to look at buying our dream family home, went to view a house on Friday, he told our son 'mummy, daddy and you will all be living in a house together!' Put a note of interest in on Saturday for the house. Saturday evening he had been watching a football match and phoned me to say he was home, whilst talking on the phone (his mobile) his house phone started to ring in the background, I thought this was odd as when we lived together we never used the house phone, asked him if he was going to answer. He said people called to speak to the people who lived in the house before him and it was probably for them... I thought this sounded like a lie... house phone rang again and he picked it up and said 'sorry wrong number bye' without giving the caller a chance to speak and then rushed me off the phone... I thought the whole thing was odd (plus the fact he hadn't want to come and spend the night with me after watching football) and had a gut feeling... I decided to drive over to his house and see what was happening, I parked at end of the street and seen a woman arrive in a taxi and walk in. I then sat in the car for five minutes and then got out and rang his door bell which he wouldn't answer and phoned his phone which he ignored. He lied and lied the following morning saying he was sleeping inside the house and didn't hear me ringing bell and phoning and saying I was insane and a lunatic until I told him I had been sat at end of the road and watched her come in. Since then I have been bombarded with messesages about he has a problem and needs me to help and support him, how sorry he is, how it will never happen again, how he has messed up ect ect ect... I'm just so devistated. I want to be a family, I love him... I can't go back after this though can I? :(

Don't do it! You deserve better. You love the idea of being a happy family but you will always live in fear he could do it again if you took him back. Enjoy being a mum to your children and you have the chance of finding someone lovely who deserves you.

He can't change, he doesn't need 'help', he isn't weak willed or any other bull - he us just a rotten human being.

Google narcissistic personality disorder as he seems like a prime candidate. Also 'love bombing' (when they buy you shit to try win you over) and the cycle if abuse.

He's fucked you over 3 times, jeopardised your sexual health, lied and tried to make you feel crazy for daring to doubt him (gaslighting). It is abuse.

He cannot change. It isn't fixable because he isn't broken, he's just rotten.

Don't let him back in your home. If he gas to spend time with the kid on Chris as or any other time, meet him in a neutral location for the handover. Or better still, have your parents do it.

Walk away from/ignore any communication that isn't about your child or a divorce.

He is vile op. Run.

You’d be crazy to take him back after so many chances and repeated behaviour, but you sound like you know that. I want to say how mature and sensible you sound, despite still being so young. Don’t throw away that intelligence and tie yourself to someone so revolting. Work out a proper agreement regarding childcare etc and forge yourself a better life. You can’t have a good life/relationship with someone who lies so much. I know it hurts now, but you will get through this.

Do you understand that his actions sexually while you were pregnant put you and your child’s LIFE at risk?!

He’s lucky you’re even letting him be a co-parent!

You would be doing yourself and your son NO favours going back to this selfish, destructive, irresponsible twat!

If he genuinely wants support to stop using prostitutes and drugs there are plenty of avenues he can get that help from IF he was serious. I think it’s far more likely he’s desperately trying to win you back and will say anything but doesn’t mean it.

I have an 18 year old dd and quite honestly any 30 year old man taking an interest in her I would view with great suspicion in the first bloody place - she won’t give anyone over about 22 the time of day anyway, she and her friends refer to such men in the most derogatory but probably accurate terms!

And yes - he bought you! I’d say he likely at root thinks of you as little more than his own personal prostitute given how he treats you (and I mean that as a reflection on him not you!)

You can and should do better for yourself and your son - and I don’t necessarily mean a better man, staying single at least for now is a valid and powerful choice too.

And yes, I would say you need therapy as I dread to think what made you vulnerable to this man, sadly I think I can guess at possibilities.

I’m also a single parent I know how lonely it can be at certain times but honestly you’re better off alone than with a twat!

And actually entering any relationship when you’re lonely and desperate tends to mean you’re making poor choices relationship wise. You can’t have a healthy relationship with someone else until you have one with yourself - cliche but true

I wouldn’t be allowing Ds to be there overnights because of the drugs. This guy is too self absorbed to worry about his child perhaps accessing them or staying straight while he has care of your child.

“My mum left me as a child and I think the low self esteem stems from that. I have emailed a therapist last night to organise counselling. “ I thought something like that would be involved.

Drugs and alcohol don’t make someone do things they ordinarily wouldn’t consider, they just disinhibit them.

Your own father has some deeply worrying opinions - another thing I thought would be a factor. Quite honestly any decent father who’s dd had a 30 year old sniffing around them at 18 would have had stern words with that 30 year old!

A lot of therapy needed I think.

Stay strong, OP.

Yes, some people CAN change, but he is definitely NOT one of them!

Here he is, doing the same old stuff (hiring prostitutes and seeing other women) and saying sorry in the same old way (buying you stuff, this time a house) that he did when you were 18

He sounds like an utter toad from those emails. Honestly, you are doing the right thing.

"I had a few niggling doubts with us, I genuinely didn’t know how much you liked me"

see how its now YOUR fault and YOU must be the one to PROVE your love???

OP, I really get how having no family near makes you feel like you have nothing, and he is better than nothing.

But he really isn't. Focus on you, developing your life, your friendship groups. In one of those groups is your next love who will treat you right (as long as you fix your picker).

Don't let this man who genuinely believes women are things to be used, destroy your sense of self any more.

Be brave, feel the fear and do it anyway. Live as though he is out of your life and better things happen.

I can see your Dad's point of view.

I do think drugs seem to be a factor (remove the affluence and what have you left?).

You sound amazingly strong. You're articulate and are caring for you ds despite your heart being broken over and over by the man you share your son with.

I don't know the answer. I really don't. I've read about half of the unanimous union telling you to leave him. You do know that you don't have to make that decision today? For Christmas Day, you could have him come in the morning for Santa's arrival and then let him go.

In the new year, start your counselling and give yourself time to come to a decision yourself. After 4 weeks you might find that the solution is staring you in the face - whatever that might be.

To protect yourself in the interim I would keep him at bay. Don't sleep with him or you'll break your heart again (just my advice). Not until you've made a decision with the help of counselling.

The problem in some ways is that he seems decent enough with money and providing for you and ds. That's both a blessing and a curse. Maybe try to build up your own personal financial resilience through work. The security of money can be a big draw and can be very difficult to let go of no matter what the stakes. Just remember that it's you, your sanity and your self respect that's at stake. There's a price for everything.

You sound calm and collected as mothers go in the face of what's going on. Just bide your time, and don't feel pressured to make any decision one way or another right now.

The unanimous union?

Good grief, why are some people minimising the horror of what this man does to OP?

@DoTheHop

I can see your Dad's point of view.

But would you really want your daughter to stay with a man who had treated her the exact same way? If he had:

• Got high and shagged prostitutes while in a relationship with your daughter.

• Told your daughter she was mad, crazy, a lunatic when she confronted him about this.

• Done it more than once, twice that we definitely know about and from his admissions of having a problem with this, likely many more times.

• One of these times while six months pregnant, putting her pregnancy at risk not just with the level of stress caused but also by having unprotected sex with others.

• Guilt tripped her repeatedly by implying it is her responsibility to fix him.

You would honestly say anything other than of course you need to leave him, you deserve better than this no question?

I'm genuinely interested as to whether your advice would be any different if it was your daughter in question.

I think you have 2 options

1. Seperate from him and do some work to make yourself happy (such as retrain for a career you will love if you don't have one already, improve your social life, make more friends etc) , yes it will be a shit Christmas, and probably be pretty shit next year too, but there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

2. Accept that your husband is going to use sex workers and not being faithful to you.

There is no option 3.

And for me the reason I struggle to cut ties is low self esteem from my own experiences and my desperation to give my child a 'proper' family

Struggling think this is entirely the case after you shared he basically pays all of your living expenses.....

He pays all my living expenses weather we are together or not... he's paid them for the past 4 years so what does that have to do with my decision to be with him or not? He earns a huge amount of money and ours is his own child so the maintenance he would have to pay through csa alone would be cover all that...

I had my own business earning over 70k a year (I sold it and bought a flat that I now rent out) before I decided to go back and finish my degree this year if it's any of your business... I have never needed him for his money.

Merry Christmas to you too 😘 nothing like reading of someone going through a shitty time near Christmas and feeling the need to make a snide comment. You sound like a horrible person x

@Isohungy

Does not make one bit of financial difference to me if I'm with him or not and unlike how you sound I'm not a horrible person and if financial gain was my only concern and he did only cover my living costs if we were together why would I even be posting it on here?

Idiot.

and I meant 'only child' not own.

KOKO, OP.

You sound like you're seeing him very clearly now. Doing the right things too, like blocking him and choosing when to read his emails. I hope that with this control you've regained over your space, your sleep well improve.

Take it a day at a time. It's the long haul of the difficult days that seem to stretch endlessly into the future that makes it hard to stand your ground. Plan for it if you can.