I feel like he has cheated

[Loveontherocks100]

Please bear with me because this is quite long, and probably seems very stupid, but I really really can’t get over my husband lying to me/convince myself he didn’t have at best an emotional or worst a physical affair. Let me preface this by saying he works VERY long hours 8-10pm average so always at work. We have 1 baby and 1 on the way.

3 years ago he told me a (young, pretty) colleague at work (we are now 30 for context), had baked him a cake especially for him as he was moving Desk. He was teasing me that she fancied him. I thought this was quite inappropriate of her/an overreaction to a colleague (he’s her direct boss) so asked him to just shut it down. He said he did.

A year later I found an exchange of emails BY ACCIDENT (which I posted about at the time) where she asked if he was coming for drinks and he effectively said he was very sad he couldn’t because I was pregnant. Poor him. She replied “no risk no fun” and there was a great deal of winky emojis and all fairly inappropriate. Given the cake incident I was displeased and said I wanted him to stop indulging in flirting with a colleague he had said fancied him. A few months later he said she left the team for another one.

9 months later I basically find out (not from him) that she has been working for him all along. They sit near each other. He has repeatedly lied to me about it. He has been going for drinks with her and (supposedly) other colleagues. Going to nightclubs with her (and other colleagues) and lying about it whilst I’m at home with our baby.

It’s been months since I find this out and I just can’t get over it. It probably seems so small and stupid but I had to DRAG the information out of him with irrefutable proof. He just denied denied denied then said “oh I didn’t remember” blah blah blah and now I am just convinced in my mind they must have slept together at least once or kissed or flirted.

I don’t understand why else the flirting emails, the cake, the lies!?!

Am I insane?

No, you’re not.

I’d be packing his bags.

Also by the way he also admitted he never talked to her when he said he did or shut down the behaviour

I just don’t understand a situation why someone would behave that way with a married colleague without encouragement? I just never would have.

I would sit him down, and firmly give him ONE opportunity to tell you the WHOLE truth - no omissions. When you have that information you can make a decision on what to do.

He will lie though.

@Youngatheart00

This is essentially what I am trying to do now. He just won’t. We had a text exchange today(not helpful I know; but with his hours and a baby the best I could get) and he just won’t budge. He’s told me everything.

I just don’t think I will ever, ever believe him. Can someone live like that? With such uncertainty and doubt in their heart?

@Pinkarsedfly

Exactly.

Why would he tell me? I have run out of proof - this happened so long ago and so many emails have been deleted (when I asked him to show me emails and why were they gone now he lied again and said no no work emails automatically get filed and go missing it’s the server etc. Turns out that was a lie too).

He would never tell me now. Risk me leaving him? Why would he?

It’s actually heartbreaking that he doesn’t respect me enough to tell me the truth. I feel like such a fucking idiot

Well, you can, but it’s not much of a life, is it?

He lied to you Op, and now he’s trying to his it from you I’m not surprised you feel like that. I’d be livid and upset.

Regardless of whether he cheated or not, he is for sure a liar.
How do you trust a liar about anything?
If he is like this now, what about in 10 years, or 15? How long do you get to live with someone you dont believe?

You’re not an idiot. He’s trying to treat you like one, but you’re not having it.

You know something’s up. He’s the idiot.

No, I don't think you can live peacefully with such uncertainty and doubt.

I wouldn't be able to do it.

I'm sorry but he is working long hours to provide for the family. Would do you want him to do, quit his job because you're jealous?

I banter with my colleagues but that doesn't mean I'm going to sleep with them. He's lied to you as he know you'll react the way you have. If you truly trust your DH will never cheat then you wouldn't care less about this women.

My sister has been in this situation where the only way her DH can get her to trust him is to leave his job. That's not on.

Do you work or are you stuck at home? I imagine if you're at home you've got too much time to think.

I wouldn't be kicking him out for this. I'd be having a rational conversation with him and try to come up with a workable solution.

To be honest a part of me doesn’t want to know. I feel sick about it. I can imagine him telling me something I don’t want to hear and which breaks our life apart.

But I also feel convinced that there is something else to know. How small or big I don’t know.

If he’s lied to you about this, what else is he lying about?

“no risk no fun”

Come on OP.

@Butterflyflower1234

He was working these exact hours before we got together. That’s not to say I don’t massively appreciate this and yes I do; he knows that. But he loves his job it’s not a means to an end and he would be doing it anyway.

Of course I don’t expect him to quit his job. But I don’t expect someone to lie so appallingly to me whilst I am home with his baby. Yes I am home and yes it does give me time to think. I don’t expect him to go out clubbing and pretend he’s at meetings. Or tell me he can’t come home to help out when I am sick because he has work calls and actually he’s getting drunk with her.

I have always thought the “he lies because of your reaction” line is victim blaming nonsense. It’s utterly appropriate to flirt with a female colleague in my book. Doesn’t matter if you are ok with it - I am not and he knows this.

Just by the way - prior to this I trusted him implicitly. I was never ever jealous of female work colleagues and never had these issues. He has several other colleagues; one who is gorgeous and he works with constantly but doesn’t bother me. They “banter” but it’s within the parameters of acceptable and he never told me she fancied him.

@SweetAsSpice

That’s it. “No risk no fun” - i cant get over it.

It was actually “no risk no fun 😌”

Pack his bags. Leave them outside tonight. Lock the door from the inside. Maybe a night away from home will refresh his memory

Hmm. From a flip side , I worked long hours with a man (married). I actually wasn't at the time, but did used to call him my work husband! Nothing ever happened. We had a bit of banter and I did consider him a very good friend. Years down the line now, I still think of him as a close friend who I could call at a moments notice (not needed to, and don't really speak to him at all now, more a fleeting pass on social media!)

I don't think this is about the work banter as such. This is more about you don't trust him full stop. You probably would be grilling him about the girl at the local spar.

I would leave him because you have trust issues. Forcing him to stop something at work isn't the answer.

You probably would be grilling him about the girl at the local spar.

No. I have no problem whatsoever with his other female work colleagues. Other pretty ones who he has banter with! This crossed a line.

Yes, I NOW have trust issues. After he repeatedly lied to my face.

Don't listen to this nonsense from Butterflyflower, he is repetitively lying to you about his association with this woman and that is seriously dodgy.

It sounds like he doesn't respect you and honestly I would be thoroughly pissed off if I was at home looking after our baby while my husband was clubbing with a co-worker that he's been flirting with!

I'm not sure what you can do about it though, it's literally his word against yours :(

But you are in the right to feel upset, just know that and tell him that this has ruined your trust in him.

Best of luck

To put being with her before you and the baby is shitty, unforgivable, behaviour. He seems selfish and uncaring. See him for what he is, being willingly led away from you and your little family by his prick, because he is one. Kick him out. Strength to you

I think it's odd given you've said you are unhappy and uncomfortable about it.

I dont think anyone should feel the need to make you question how you feel.

When someone repeatedly lies to you, its hard to work out when they're telling you the truth and their integrity.

If it doesnt feel right, it maybe isnt. Only you know what you're willing to put up with. 💐

I don’t like the message she sent him. That is not innocent.
Maybe he flirts with her this flatters him. Is she very younger?