I feel like he has cheated

[Loveontherocks100]

Please bear with me because this is quite long, and probably seems very stupid, but I really really can’t get over my husband lying to me/convince myself he didn’t have at best an emotional or worst a physical affair. Let me preface this by saying he works VERY long hours 8-10pm average so always at work. We have 1 baby and 1 on the way.

3 years ago he told me a (young, pretty) colleague at work (we are now 30 for context), had baked him a cake especially for him as he was moving Desk. He was teasing me that she fancied him. I thought this was quite inappropriate of her/an overreaction to a colleague (he’s her direct boss) so asked him to just shut it down. He said he did.

A year later I found an exchange of emails BY ACCIDENT (which I posted about at the time) where she asked if he was coming for drinks and he effectively said he was very sad he couldn’t because I was pregnant. Poor him. She replied “no risk no fun” and there was a great deal of winky emojis and all fairly inappropriate. Given the cake incident I was displeased and said I wanted him to stop indulging in flirting with a colleague he had said fancied him. A few months later he said she left the team for another one.

9 months later I basically find out (not from him) that she has been working for him all along. They sit near each other. He has repeatedly lied to me about it. He has been going for drinks with her and (supposedly) other colleagues. Going to nightclubs with her (and other colleagues) and lying about it whilst I’m at home with our baby.

It’s been months since I find this out and I just can’t get over it. It probably seems so small and stupid but I had to DRAG the information out of him with irrefutable proof. He just denied denied denied then said “oh I didn’t remember” blah blah blah and now I am just convinced in my mind they must have slept together at least once or kissed or flirted.

I don’t understand why else the flirting emails, the cake, the lies!?!

Am I insane?

@ilovecat

No - she is 2/3 years younger.

Yes, maybe it is just flattery etc but I can’t help but feel it’s not innocent.

Thank you everyone for the support. I can’t explain how much I need these opinions and this support right now. I don’t want to discuss with people IRL.

Well, he's a proven liar isn't he ? You don't sound like the paranoid type to me.

I think you know what is the most obvious reason for his deception.

He's a practiced liar OP. He's demonstrating over and over again that he is more than happy to lie, both when asked, and off his own back (so he can do what he wants at work uninterrupted by you). That isn't normal, or ok.

He's gaslight you over this bizarre lie that she left the workplace and is so sure you'll buy what he says he's pretended she's left. Obviously he does think you'll buy it, and accept it.

You know he flirts with her and hasn't 'shut down' any of her inappropriate behaviour OP. He is her manager no? If my employee started speaking to me this way I would indeed, shut it down . He likes it and doesn't want to.

I don't think he'll tell you even if he has cheated OP but you have to weigh up whether or not you expect more for yourself than having to pretend your DH isnt a liar who doesn't overly care about your feelings, just to make life easier. Sounds like he'd rather drive you half mad and cause stress to you than he would tell the truth- that isn't love or respect, is it!

I think you over reacted about the cake , and I don't think the emails prove anything
He probably said she had left because it was easier then getting non stop grief over her working there

If he is going clubbing when he has told you he is at meetings , that's not acceptable ...although who has meetings that late at night ? ( or goes clubbing in the day time ? )

I have read it as she had said no risk no fun ....he has no control over what she writes , plus he said he couldn't go because you were pregnant , which sounds very much like he puts you first

The simplest explanation is usually the right one.

Its clear hes pretty happy to lie to you.
You also hardly see him and when you do, he lies.
Whats the point?

I hear you op

How do you see yourself moving forward?

OP - when people work together in a stressful job and with long hours - they do develop a sort of relationship. Work relationship that is a little closer - like a friendship and there even may be a bit of flirting. But it’s not an affair kind of stuff - it’s more a way to deal with the stress. And it doesn’t really go beyond that.
She is young and pretty, as you said. Do you really think she has been holding out all these years for our husband?. Who has a kid and a baby on the way?

Do they mutually find each other attractive? Possibly. Just like he probably also finds other pretty women in his office, or on a street - attractive. It’s normal and can’t really change that.
It all becomes more of an issue because you are stuck at home and don’t see other people much, so it all snowballs.

That said - he shouldn’t invent reasons and not come home and help you when you are unwell. Doesn’t matter who he is with.

To summarise. I don’t think he is cheating. But the two of you need to have a conversation as adults.
You need to stop making it impossible for him to be honest about his work interactions with females. It’s your insecurities to deal with.
And he needs to stop dealing with stress by finding escape in going out with colleagues and not being honest about it. It’s his immaturity.

There are a lot of extremely unfair comments on here where people are incorrectly assuming I am some sort of paranoid, jealous bitch who doesn’t let him socialise with women.

To reiterate - he Has plenty of PRETTY, FEMALE colleagues and I DO NOT MIND THIS!!!!! He is “allowed“ to socialise plenty! He has a wonderful social life and I am not a jealous maniac.

BUT HE TOLD ME SHE FANCIED HIM!!!!! and then he lied to me for so many months AFTER I found a series of inappropriate messages.

Is it normal to make a colleague a bloody cake for them moving 5 desks away?!

I've had a somewhat similar situation many years ago now. I don't believe he ever told me the full truth but I'll never know for sure.

If you're anything like me you will never 100% trust him again. We are still together almost 20 years later and it still affects me sometimes. I'll suddenly think that I need to check his phone or whatever (he knows I do this and has no problem with it BTW, he recognises why I do it).

I'm not sure what I'd advise. I have regrets about staying sometimes but I made my decision and it is what it is.

I think he is triangulating you, a nasty tactic where a partner brings up another party that they find attractive and talk about them, drop them into conversation, tell you how much this other person likes them, how they did x, y and z for them. You are not overreacting at all. Who the actual fuck bakes somebody a fucking cake for a new office move?? Just bizarre in itself!!

When men cheat, they usually have to mention the other person. They get an ego kick out of it I think. The cake thing... I mean COME ON. He was practically telling you they were carrying on with each other.... And if he really cared about you and your feelings AND his family and another woman was doing this at work, he would NEVER mention it to you... and he would make sure he shut and shit like that down in the workplace right away.

I would feel exactly like you do. I am not sure I would trust him ever again.

"BUT HE TOLD ME SHE FANCIED HIM!!!!! "

Enjoying the ego boost from being fancied (and having an affair at work) and making sure his wife knows he is fanciable and provoking you, KNOWING it would hurt.

I say ditch the bastard. You had a new baby? Sadly the classic time for unfaithful fuckers like him to mess around. Poor manchild not getting enough attention.

What a bastard.

"To summarise. I don’t think he is cheating. But the two of you need to have a conversation as adults.
You need to stop making it impossible for him to be honest about his work interactions with females. It’s your insecurities to deal with.
And he needs to stop dealing with stress by finding escape in going out with colleagues and not being honest about it. It’s his immaturity."

???? Did you read where OP found INAPPROPRIATE MESSAGES???? She is not being paranoid. These are the signs of a cheater.

You will never know the truth. Either make your peace with that or ltb

I "made my peace" with it for years, when in truth it ground me down to a shell of my prior self. Even now, many years on and post-divorce, when I am very happy with someone else who I trust with my life, it still pops into my head sometimes to contact one of his OW (yeah, cause if you leave it long enough, there will be more than one :( ) and ask them for their version.

I just don’t think I will ever, ever believe him. Can someone live like that?

From experience you can try, but the cost is terrible in terms of your peace of mind. And since at some point he'll probably leave anyway - no doubt blaming your "suspicious paranoia" - there may be little point

I'm genuinely sorry you're in this horrible position, but while it's almost certainly pointless I'd ask him once for the truth just so you can know you tried. Otherwise the decision's entirely yours, because after all the lies he's told he's clearly not going to help

The only thing you really have is his word. And that means nothing.

I really, really really appreciate these messages everyone - thank you.

I bitterly regret having sort of swallowed it all and convinced myself to forgive him so I could keep the family together/planning a second baby. I have a scan tomorrow and I don’t want him there. I just feel so angry; powerless and hurt. I just want to know the fucking truth. I want some hard evidence. But the pursuit for that would drive me insane since, as I say, it would be virtually impossible to find.

Do you really think she has been holding out all these years for our husband?. Who has a kid and a baby on the way?

He is very rich; very funny, clever, good looking, excellent in bed.

Yes - I do believe a single woman who fancied him wouldn’t care about his baggage. Happens time and time again for less attractive men!

I wish I could at least meet her in person. I feel like I might get a sense at least if she feels guilty or awkward meeting me

I think she was shagging him or at least planning to.

I just can’t see any other logical explanation for her thinking this behaviour was fine without encouragement.

He regularly works 8 am till 10 pm and still goes out with colleagues at night? When does he see you and the DC?

He is at home at the weekend.

I can’t complain about his hours because I knew what they were when we got together. It’s our arrangement and the price I pay for getting to stay at home.

When he meets friends etc he will meet them for dinner near his office (he works in town so lovely restaurants around) or lunch etc.

The colleagues at night was a few times - not frequent. The issue with it was the lies/I was having a bad time at the time as our son had had an operation and I needed him around.

I wish I could contact her or meet her and ask but I can’t because I can’t fuck with his work like that.

And I wish I could get him to take a polygraph but I can’t because It would be insane.

He will just never tell me. So either I stay and never believe him and always feel sad somewhere or I leave and break up my family for something I can’t prove and might always also have a twinge that “what if I was wrong?”