I feel like he has cheated

[Loveontherocks100]

Please bear with me because this is quite long, and probably seems very stupid, but I really really can’t get over my husband lying to me/convince myself he didn’t have at best an emotional or worst a physical affair. Let me preface this by saying he works VERY long hours 8-10pm average so always at work. We have 1 baby and 1 on the way.

3 years ago he told me a (young, pretty) colleague at work (we are now 30 for context), had baked him a cake especially for him as he was moving Desk. He was teasing me that she fancied him. I thought this was quite inappropriate of her/an overreaction to a colleague (he’s her direct boss) so asked him to just shut it down. He said he did.

A year later I found an exchange of emails BY ACCIDENT (which I posted about at the time) where she asked if he was coming for drinks and he effectively said he was very sad he couldn’t because I was pregnant. Poor him. She replied “no risk no fun” and there was a great deal of winky emojis and all fairly inappropriate. Given the cake incident I was displeased and said I wanted him to stop indulging in flirting with a colleague he had said fancied him. A few months later he said she left the team for another one.

9 months later I basically find out (not from him) that she has been working for him all along. They sit near each other. He has repeatedly lied to me about it. He has been going for drinks with her and (supposedly) other colleagues. Going to nightclubs with her (and other colleagues) and lying about it whilst I’m at home with our baby.

It’s been months since I find this out and I just can’t get over it. It probably seems so small and stupid but I had to DRAG the information out of him with irrefutable proof. He just denied denied denied then said “oh I didn’t remember” blah blah blah and now I am just convinced in my mind they must have slept together at least once or kissed or flirted.

I don’t understand why else the flirting emails, the cake, the lies!?!

Am I insane?

I understand that you are considering the future and how you will cope with a newborn if you leave him. I don't want to scare you or make you feel worse than you already do so I hope you can just add my advice to your bank and make informed decisions:

There have been so, so many incidences of men who are not fully committed, playing it casual during pregnancy only to completely upheave everything after the baby is born because the 'stress of the newborn' isn't in keeping with the carefree life he wants to live. I know you already have a child. But if he is having feelings for somebody else now, I can't imagine him being as present for you as you would hope after baby comes along.

As I said before, I don't want to upset you and I'm not being mean. I just wanted to suggest that if you can find a way to leave and settle before baby comes along, you may find it a lot easier to cope than if he just fails to help you after all of this is said and done. Of course your mental and physical health at this time is the priority, so don't push yourself too hard. Mumsnet will still be here to support you no matter what x

I'm really sorry you are still in this position OP.

Do you have anyone else you could stay with for the newborn stage and/or consider as a birth partner?

If you do, I would think seriously about taking yourself away. You think about the newborn stage in terms of heavy lifting, and it absolutely is, but what it also is is one of the most special and personal and intimate time periods in life. I would think very hard on whether it is now not possible for you to attempt to go through it with him - by your side, going through the emotions, getting the high of the new baby and being loving and intimate and special - without it actually ruining the time for you, without it seeming so hypocritical and manipulative on his part. He would be so good at 'managing' you through it all, wouldn't he?!

So just having him there playing his part could in many ways make it so much harder. And obviously, the gateway to PND or similar - birth exacerbates emotions, it doesn't take them away because something bigger has arrived. You might well just not be able to stand the situation at all once you are in the raw post-natal stage and hate him for making you feel even worse instead of being able to enjoy your new baby.

And, the birth. Same thing. Think very hard about whether him being there holding you hand is going to be something you are glad of, or something that actually makes it harder for you. If so, fuck what he would want - think about another birth partner because the more stressed you are in labour, the more likely it is to be difficult - it's more important than any person's feelings to make the process as smooth as possible.

I am so sorry - it seems obvious that he's a cheat - one of the horrible suave-businessman type cheats who want it all - regulation pretty slim wife who churns out the babies, and all the freedom in the world to take what he wants elsewhere, be it sex, flirting, or any other aspect of acting like a single man with not one jot of loyalty to anyone.

I hope you do get out soon because he is a horrible gaslighter too - that's maybe another aspect that you're going to find harder with a newborn, not easier. You know he's a lying shit so how dare he sit there with your baby playing doting dad, etc.?

All in all if you have somewhere you can go, I honestly think it might be mentally easier on you to spend the newborn stage somewhere away from him.

@Loveontherocks100 how are you doing? I was thinking of you and wondering how everything was.

This sounds so awful, hope you have kicked him to the curb :-)

Always always trust your instincts.

Same thing happened to me last year, the woman my husband managed baked him a cake for his birthday, he didn’t tell me about it. They messaged each other, found a couple of flirty selfies of the two of them.. he ended up leaving me for her, then returning to me and she ‘took an overdose’ because he lied to her! trust your instincts, he’s having a affair

I hope you’re ok @Loveontherocks100 I often think about your situation

@Loveontherocks100

I just don’t understand a situation why someone would behave that way with a married colleague without encouragement? I just never would have.

Because he is encouraging it.

I realise this is an old thread which has popped up again.
How are you doing now @Loveontherocks100, I hope you are enjoying your new addition.