Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel like he has cheated

760 replies

Loveontherocks100 · 16/12/2019 10:45

Please bear with me because this is quite long, and probably seems very stupid, but I really really can’t get over my husband lying to me/convince myself he didn’t have at best an emotional or worst a physical affair. Let me preface this by saying he works VERY long hours 8-10pm average so always at work. We have 1 baby and 1 on the way.

3 years ago he told me a (young, pretty) colleague at work (we are now 30 for context), had baked him a cake especially for him as he was moving Desk. He was teasing me that she fancied him. I thought this was quite inappropriate of her/an overreaction to a colleague (he’s her direct boss) so asked him to just shut it down. He said he did.

A year later I found an exchange of emails BY ACCIDENT (which I posted about at the time) where she asked if he was coming for drinks and he effectively said he was very sad he couldn’t because I was pregnant. Poor him. She replied “no risk no fun” and there was a great deal of winky emojis and all fairly inappropriate. Given the cake incident I was displeased and said I wanted him to stop indulging in flirting with a colleague he had said fancied him. A few months later he said she left the team for another one.

9 months later I basically find out (not from him) that she has been working for him all along. They sit near each other. He has repeatedly lied to me about it. He has been going for drinks with her and (supposedly) other colleagues. Going to nightclubs with her (and other colleagues) and lying about it whilst I’m at home with our baby.

It’s been months since I find this out and I just can’t get over it. It probably seems so small and stupid but I had to DRAG the information out of him with irrefutable proof. He just denied denied denied then said “oh I didn’t remember” blah blah blah and now I am just convinced in my mind they must have slept together at least once or kissed or flirted.

I don’t understand why else the flirting emails, the cake, the lies!?!

Am I insane?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
10
Nicolastuffedone · 16/12/2019 17:58

Of course he could stay with his friend but then he’d have to explain why his wife doesn’t want him home....

ravenmum · 16/12/2019 18:01

If he tries with that argument, well the poor blameless lamb can limit the explanation to "my wife wants a separation".

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 16/12/2019 18:08

He said”I’m
Not imposing myself on friend over this” when I said he could stay there

OP posts:
Gemma1971 · 16/12/2019 18:10

Where he goes is not your problem OP

simplekindoflife · 16/12/2019 18:11

I think he should be at the scan. Seeing the baby and the magnitude of what's at stake might actually bring him to his senses!

Sorry you're going through this at such an emotional time anyway! He should be supporting you and nurturing you...

What is he thinking?! He's a selfish nasty bastard imo!

incognitomum · 16/12/2019 18:14

I found out someone lied by email by checking the Sent box. He'd forgotten yo delete those.

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 16/12/2019 18:15

Does putting the key in the lock work? I don’t have another set to test!

OP posts:
ravenmum · 16/12/2019 18:15

Maybe he'll see the scan and fall to his knees admiiting it all and sobbing for forgiveness. Or time will magically rewind and he will naver have lied to you.

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 16/12/2019 18:16

I don’t see the point in him coming to the scan. Frankly I think it’s a good opportunity to show him I am not fucking around. He will never ever ever expect me to follow through and not allow him there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 16/12/2019 18:16

We already have a child together - he knows what’s at stake.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 16/12/2019 18:23

Actually, thinking about it, I did lock my ex out one night, though not deliberately. I'd put the key in the lock from the inside (should work) and expected him to ring the bell, to make a point about him coming home late every night. But he didn't ring the bell, or even text and ask what was going on - presumably took the opportunity to spend the night with his gf.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/12/2019 18:25

Does putting the key in the lock work?

If it's like most, yes it will; he'll be able to put his key in the lock but it won't "turn"

Personally I'd keep him away from the scan, partly to avoid him thinking everything's normal but also because I simply wouldn't want him nearby for a fairly intimate procedure. In the unlikely event that this can be repaired he can always pay for a private scan later if he wishes

Gemma1971 · 16/12/2019 18:25

Leaving the key in the lock should stop him from opening the door, yes. Don't forget your back door!

RandomMess · 16/12/2019 18:33
Thanks

Doesn't want to inconvenience his friend, he doesn't want to admit what is going on and thinks he can win you around.

sleepingkat2020 · 16/12/2019 18:35

i had an ex do this to me. I found photos of his ahem in his sent messages to a new co worker, he was her manager. He claimed it was a joke. I was young and stupid, i let it go. Told him to stay away from her. He said he had moved her from his team and everything was fine for a while.

2 years later facebook then became popular in our group of friends (this was around 2007). Slowly I began to see him be tagged in works christmas nights out and events from over the previous few years....sitting next to her. always her. she hadnt moved teams at all and he had just erased her name from his verbal stories. i left him and wished i had done it earlier.

my advice is leave.

Confusedandaxious · 16/12/2019 18:35

Just kick him out OP. Get your self respect and tell him it’s over. Stop second guessing everything about scans etc. Just say you’ve had enough of the lies and deceit, you can’t trust him and you want a divorce and you’re not interested in his side.

Then start making plans for what you need to do and don’t engage unless it’s about contact. Every day this goes on, you lose another day of your future and drag out the healing and recovery process. Start from today.

WWlOOlWW · 16/12/2019 18:43

So sorry you are in this situation OP. I'm in agreement with many others.

He is a liar, which in my opinion is even worse than cheating (and being honest about it). You never know where you are with a liar.

Nicolastuffedone · 16/12/2019 18:44

Doesn’t want to impose on his friend?? How very considerate of him! Nothing at all to do with not wanting to explain why he isn’t allowed home to his child and pregnant wife, all to do with how it makes him look! Ugh! He’s a slimeball

TheReef · 16/12/2019 18:50

He doesn't want to impose on his friend as it means he'll have to tell him 'why', that means he KNOWS what he's done is wrong - yet he carries on and expects you to put up with it.

It's your body, so your choice to have him at the scan. Personally I'd not let him, it's a good shot across his bows about how serious you are.

OP he's us so many chances to make things right but has chosen not to

desperatesux · 16/12/2019 18:54

I think you need to slow down here. I was in a v similar position not so long ago so know exactly how consuming it can be and finding out every little detail can become an obsession
However I v much doubt that he has cheated. I would say he has enjoyed to banter and ego massage and a young pretty thing flirting with him
You are a SAHP and have a small child and another on the way.
I would not be making any hasty decisions and stopping him from coming to the scan which is something that can't be taken back.
I wouldn't make any decisions until you have had counselling, both together and apart
Me any my DH have recovered from it and while I don't trust him like I used to maybe that is no bad thing. We have a v nice life and that is worth something.

FizzyGreenWater · 16/12/2019 18:58

I DO want him to convince me otherwise

He can't. This is how lies destroy relationships. Even if nothing happened between them, the fact he lied to you about it, and the disrespect that goes along with that, means you'll never be sure anyway and the rot will continue. Or, you could get conclusive proof that all was ok with this person and the second something else crops up you'll think the worst. Because you know he's a liar.

Nothing you can do about it except lie to yourself.

Nothing he can do it.

His fault.

I don't see what you can do.

Gemma1971 · 16/12/2019 18:58

desperatesux apart from your name being very telling, have you read the entire thread? ALL the lies and OP's husband lying about nights out and NOT coming home to help with his sick son after surgery?

Then more lies... come on.... how can that ever be a nice life? If someone puts a female work colleague before you and their CHILD, how can that ever be good or fixed? What sort of standards do you have??

How can counselling fix anything with a liar?

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 16/12/2019 19:06

@FizzyGreenWater

Your advice is always spot on so I have to swallow the bitter pill of it here.

Thank you again everyone for commenting.

@sleepingkat2020

Your story is awful - I am so sorry. Funnily enough how this all unravelled was he received a photo on his work laptop and I was near him at home and it was on an away day. She had sent the photo. She wasn’t in it - she had taken it. Why was she at the away day when not on the team? This is how the very beginning of the truth I had to drag out of him came out. There is always something.

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 16/12/2019 19:13

I think the posters who say you're just being a nutter or whatever are flaming you unfairly- they must be bored or something.

As you've said, he's no other reason to lie except that he's got something to hide, to one extent or another.

You've shown no indication that you're a jealous person in general that he needs to lie to to avoid a freak out over harmless stuff.