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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel like he has cheated

760 replies

Loveontherocks100 · 16/12/2019 10:45

Please bear with me because this is quite long, and probably seems very stupid, but I really really can’t get over my husband lying to me/convince myself he didn’t have at best an emotional or worst a physical affair. Let me preface this by saying he works VERY long hours 8-10pm average so always at work. We have 1 baby and 1 on the way.

3 years ago he told me a (young, pretty) colleague at work (we are now 30 for context), had baked him a cake especially for him as he was moving Desk. He was teasing me that she fancied him. I thought this was quite inappropriate of her/an overreaction to a colleague (he’s her direct boss) so asked him to just shut it down. He said he did.

A year later I found an exchange of emails BY ACCIDENT (which I posted about at the time) where she asked if he was coming for drinks and he effectively said he was very sad he couldn’t because I was pregnant. Poor him. She replied “no risk no fun” and there was a great deal of winky emojis and all fairly inappropriate. Given the cake incident I was displeased and said I wanted him to stop indulging in flirting with a colleague he had said fancied him. A few months later he said she left the team for another one.

9 months later I basically find out (not from him) that she has been working for him all along. They sit near each other. He has repeatedly lied to me about it. He has been going for drinks with her and (supposedly) other colleagues. Going to nightclubs with her (and other colleagues) and lying about it whilst I’m at home with our baby.

It’s been months since I find this out and I just can’t get over it. It probably seems so small and stupid but I had to DRAG the information out of him with irrefutable proof. He just denied denied denied then said “oh I didn’t remember” blah blah blah and now I am just convinced in my mind they must have slept together at least once or kissed or flirted.

I don’t understand why else the flirting emails, the cake, the lies!?!

Am I insane?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
10
Greenkit · 02/05/2020 19:34

[Flowers]

Gather the evidence and get your paperwork in order. Then kick him out

Longwhiskers14 · 02/05/2020 20:07

God it gets worse. He's hiding something and chances are he's deleted stuff off his phones, which is why he offered them to you, but then he took them back because he's panicking he hasn't been thorough enough or you've worked out how to restore deleted messages. I think you've been amazing throughout all this, OP, and you've given it your best shot, it's going to be impossible for you to trust him because he keeps doing this. With no trust, there's no marriage.

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 02/05/2020 20:12

@longwhiskers

What you say re the phones is what makes logical sense!

@Greenkit

Tricky to gather evidence but I will start trying

OP posts:
copycopypaste · 02/05/2020 20:24

I could have written your story op. I stayed for another 3 years, had another dc. I eventually found out, without any doubt, that he'd slept with her 3 times.

Save yourself the heartache and leave

MsDogLady · 02/05/2020 20:26

...he offered me his phone and work phone. I accepted them. He then tried to take them back repeatedly...then when I wasn’t looking took them both back.

I have wondered how you were, OP. I see that he is up to his old tricks.

After all he has done, why did you give him the chance to make off with the phones?

You know this man has no integrity. He has lied and lied and lied again. He is clearly a cheat and has been manipulating you from the get-go. He always has an answer for everything and knows that he can con you.

Isn’t it time to stop giving him the opportunity to make a fool of you? What a terrible role model he is for your children.

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 02/05/2020 20:38

@copycopypaste

Reading your post made me feel sick. I can see that this is where it’s going.

How did you finally find out?

OP posts:
copycopypaste · 02/05/2020 20:44

OP the dozy sod went on a night out with some mates of his (one of which happened to be a good friend of mine and married to my best mate), and my 'd'h was gobbing off about shagging a woman he worked with a few years ago. I was told, and when I confronted him with it, he eventually admitted it.

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 02/05/2020 20:53

@copycopypaste

What a fucking moron. I’m sorry to hear.

OP posts:
copycopypaste · 02/05/2020 21:01

He actually said her name so I knew it was her...

Tbh op, life is too short to be in a relationship feeling like you do. I spent 3 years thinking all sorts. All the 'what ifs' and 'maybe I could haves' life now is so much better, I couldn't give a rats arse what he's done or up to now. I was consumed with jealousy and mistrust for 3 miserable years. Looking back I wish I'd left when I first thought it was an emotional affair that resulted in 'just a kiss'

theseriousmoonlight · 02/05/2020 21:57

OP, I've just read your whole thread. I'm appalled at what you've gone through, especially when pregnant. I don't have any experience so I don't know what my opinion is worth, but it seems clear to me that you cannot trust this man. Only my opinion but relationships need trust. What sort of role model is he for your son?

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 02/05/2020 22:10

Shit OP. I was thinking about your thread he other day and hoping it had all settled down.
I can't really comment on his behaviour, but whether there is more to find out or not it doesn't sound like this situation is particularly healthy for either of you at the moment.
Also given how close you came to leaving him I'm surprised he can't be arsed to look after his child at the weekend

Skyla2005 · 02/05/2020 22:19

I would be asking her myself what went on

StayinginSummer · 03/05/2020 00:10

Some things that helped me...

  • find as many facts as you can. Experience your feelings without trying to suppress them. Feel rubbish if you want. Be angry if you want.
  • be bold if you want to find information. But don’t become crazy and don’t become a nasty person. I found phone bills that has the texts to other women... several. When he lied, I texted the numbers myself, said that I wasn’t trying to blame, asked them for information.
  • at some you then have to stop. You will not find out more. Accept it.
  • stop focusing everything on HIM. the emotions are overwhelming but in a way it’s an ego boost to him that you are so upset about his cheating. Meanwhile, your life is passing by...
  • so lastly whatever you do, leave or stay, make your life about you. Not him. Your value as the woman who did not cheat, is high. You have integrity. No one can buy that and it is precious. It means you spend the rest of your life with honour and grace. Your children see that. You know that. Focus on what makes you, on what interests you.

The problem with this kind of cheating is that it’s like an attention seeking vampire. It sucks all of your attention. Don’t let it.

TomNook · 03/05/2020 06:02

I reckon they’re still communicating like everyone else. Check Instagram dm etc

TomNook · 03/05/2020 08:29

Also. The shaving the pubes. Guilty as fuck

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 03/05/2020 08:48

@Skyla2005

I did this. She said nothing.

@StayinginSummer

What a fantastic post - thank you so much I will read and re read. Wonderful advice x

OP posts:
LoobyLoo101 · 03/05/2020 10:00

The phones thing sounds to me like he’s deleted evidence but was scared a new message would come in while you had them. So he needed one phone to warn her not to be in touch.

So sorry to hear this OP, especially hard at 7 months pregnant when you must be exhausted and just want some certainty over future plans.

FinnefanFox · 03/05/2020 10:20

Round and round in circles?

TomNook · 03/05/2020 11:02

I think it’s rather naive of you to believe anything she says.

Idontwantthis · 03/05/2020 11:46

Op. What’s the point gathering evidence? You know who and what he is. He knows you know. And you both know you’re still there....

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 03/05/2020 13:18

I think it’s rather naive of you to believe anything she says

I don’t!

I did look at his phones by the way - I demanded them when he tried to take them for the third time. Nothing there though. But that means a lot less to me than his reaction/bizarre offering them up then repeatedly trying to back out of it.

OP posts:
SpencerReidsMistress · 03/05/2020 13:26

OP you don't need evidence. Just leave. He's a compulsive liar. The moment you discovered condoms had disappeared out of the suitcase should have been the defining moment for you. You're a strong woman OP you can get through this.

StayinginSummer · 03/05/2020 22:19

@Loveontherocks100 good luck Flowers unfortunately like many women, too many of us, my words are from the heart and sad experience.

GatoFofo · 04/05/2020 09:38

OP, how are you? Have you managed to find your anger yet? That is what will give you the energy to get you through this.

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 28/05/2020 07:14

Hi I just wanted to update everyone that I am angry and have been getting ducks in a row for a while. It’s been a bit of a funny one as I’m now 34 weeks pregnant and really do need his help with DS, plus COVID. But in no way have I let it go. There have been a few more “funny” things like catching him taking his phone to the loo at night for the “light”, when it’s bright enough and huge window with natural light etc. Or me asking to use his phone (for a selfie of DS and me cuddling whilst my phone on charge), and him refusing and getting all weird. These things are all clear to me. The situation is clear to me.

I don’t really know what to do, time wise, because of the pregnancy and newborn stage. I don’t want to deal with the fallout right now when im so vulnerable or when baby is here and I need his help. Why should he get to Swan off and live somewhere else and leave me to do the heavy lifting? But I am so angry and don’t want to stay like
This for long.

OP posts: