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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel like he has cheated

760 replies

Loveontherocks100 · 16/12/2019 10:45

Please bear with me because this is quite long, and probably seems very stupid, but I really really can’t get over my husband lying to me/convince myself he didn’t have at best an emotional or worst a physical affair. Let me preface this by saying he works VERY long hours 8-10pm average so always at work. We have 1 baby and 1 on the way.

3 years ago he told me a (young, pretty) colleague at work (we are now 30 for context), had baked him a cake especially for him as he was moving Desk. He was teasing me that she fancied him. I thought this was quite inappropriate of her/an overreaction to a colleague (he’s her direct boss) so asked him to just shut it down. He said he did.

A year later I found an exchange of emails BY ACCIDENT (which I posted about at the time) where she asked if he was coming for drinks and he effectively said he was very sad he couldn’t because I was pregnant. Poor him. She replied “no risk no fun” and there was a great deal of winky emojis and all fairly inappropriate. Given the cake incident I was displeased and said I wanted him to stop indulging in flirting with a colleague he had said fancied him. A few months later he said she left the team for another one.

9 months later I basically find out (not from him) that she has been working for him all along. They sit near each other. He has repeatedly lied to me about it. He has been going for drinks with her and (supposedly) other colleagues. Going to nightclubs with her (and other colleagues) and lying about it whilst I’m at home with our baby.

It’s been months since I find this out and I just can’t get over it. It probably seems so small and stupid but I had to DRAG the information out of him with irrefutable proof. He just denied denied denied then said “oh I didn’t remember” blah blah blah and now I am just convinced in my mind they must have slept together at least once or kissed or flirted.

I don’t understand why else the flirting emails, the cake, the lies!?!

Am I insane?

OP posts:
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ravenmum · 16/12/2019 17:20

He earns OK, he can spend a night "in a hotel".
Yes, it's only interesting if they don't directly deny it; not if they do.

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 16/12/2019 17:20

elmer

Yes - he works long hours. Can I be very, very sure he has never snuck off early? Of course not

OP posts:
Confusedandaxious · 16/12/2019 17:21

I really think you need to decide what you want. And to get strong quickly. You already know he’s lied to you. What has he said when confronted with those lies?

In all honesty it sounds like the trust is gone and relationship over. Tell him you want a divorce and make your own preparations accordingly. You’re just allowing him to treat you like a mug and playing into it. Be firm, lick your wounds in private away from him with supportive friends and family.

All this backwards and forwards and looking for messages. What more do you need? You are caught in the fog and you need to rip the plaster off and extricate yourself from it.

Confusedandaxious · 16/12/2019 17:22

It does sound at the moment that you still want him to convince you otherwise but that is looking unlikely. By your own admission he has time to delete stuff and you feel you’re not going to get the truth. You are better off ending it and hardening your heart to this.

Gemma1971 · 16/12/2019 17:23

@ TheReef - which other thread?

TheReef · 16/12/2019 17:24

You don't need proof OP!!!

He's lied time and time again, that's reason enough to leave him.

He's lied about cutting contact with her several time a

He's lied about her leaving his dept

He's lied about meeting her for drinks and work do's

You don't need proof, you have proof enough he's been lying to you for way too long

Of course he's begging.... he's begging because he wants his nice comfortable wife who he has no respect for who he knows he can carry on talking and being with this other woman.

Life will be soooooo much better without him. Take control Op. trust me, it'll feel fucking amazing

ravenmum · 16/12/2019 17:26

Would he agree to go and spend some time with his parents, if possible?
Make it about "I am not happy" rather than "I don't trust you", otherwise he'll just say that you should trust him. That puts him in a position to argue that you are being unreasonable and thus he should be allowed to stay in his own home. If you make it "I am unhappy and want us to separate" then he can't argue with that.

Gemma1971 · 16/12/2019 17:26

I agree with TheReef: He's had/having an affair, either emotional or physical it's still an affair. He's lied, lied again and lied some more. He does this because he knows he can and you forgive him time after time after time.

My ex had the audacity to say "I can do anything I want and you'll still love me" WTAF... When I look back to when he said it... MONTHS before I finally gave him the boot I should have done in week ONE actually, I realise how little he respected me. How little he respected any woman actually.

Behind your back THAT is what your husband thinks of you. Little woman at home loves me and I can say anything but she'll NEVER leave.

Go on, surprise him and keep him out. Put some clothes in a bin liner by the front door for him.

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 16/12/2019 17:35

@Confusedandaxious

You are right - I DO want him to convince me otherwise. It’s very difficult.

Do I just ignore the begging? I haven’t replied as I said I wouldn’t but I am worried he will actually commute all the way home at 10pm and I will feel guilty and let him in.

He is not close to parents; doesn’t want to tell his friends and doesn’t want to pay for a hotel, apparently.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 16/12/2019 17:35

You can do this. Find your strength and anger. He was very happy to lie repeatedly about this particular woman. She has been his secret. I would consider that a form of infidelity.

ittakes2 · 16/12/2019 17:35

You sound conflicted about what you want to do. The only way forward I can see is for you to have some couples counselling - get to the bottom of things, make a decision, draw a line in the sand and move forward either together or seperately.

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 16/12/2019 17:36

@TheReef

When I look at the list you’ve written I feel sick. It’s fairly conclusive isn’t it.

OP posts:
Gemma1971 · 16/12/2019 17:41

Nobody wants to believe their partner is a cheater and a liar. So the brain pulls tricks on you.

The article explains it quite well. Basically you are in a fog that he has created with his lies. But your intuition and MORE is screaming at you not to trust his lies, while HE tries to pull you back into the fog. The brain finds it hard to hold two conflicting concepts or "truths" simultaneously. At some point you will go one way or the other.....

ravenmum · 16/12/2019 17:42

All very well and good what he doesn't want to do, but he's going to have to come up with something if his wife wants a separation. You also have things you don't want to do. His wishes do not trump yours.

My exh was not well off and he really had to stay in our then home until he found a flat. This is unfortunately typical. But it's not unreasonable for you to ask him for some time alone if it won't cost him a fortune.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/12/2019 17:42

He is not close to parents; doesn’t want to tell his friends and doesn’t want to pay for a hotel, apparently

Tough

If you mean it about the locked door / no replies, be aware that you've now got roughly a fortnight of him begging and promising he'll do anything to turn this round - and after that he'll start getting nasty instead

I guarantee it Sad

Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 16/12/2019 17:44

His best friend (one of the lovely men from the porn banter messages) has a 4 bedroom house round the corner from his office and no one else living there. No idea why he can’t stay there if he doesn’t want to pay for a hotel!

It’s hard because he is honestly so NICE otherwise. He’s been my best friend. Wonderful and kind. I just can’t believe all this

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 16/12/2019 17:44

@Puzzledandpissedoff

Oh god I am afraid that you are right. I can’t imagine him being nasty but I know that men are like that so I suppose he will.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveontherocks100 · 16/12/2019 17:46

Would it be awful to not let him come to the scan tomorrow?

OP posts:
ravenmum · 16/12/2019 17:46

I couldn't lock my ex out; I knew he'd use it against me, and it didn't feel reasonable as I knew he couldn't afford to stay elsewhere. I put up with him sleeping on the settee for a while, until I got actual evidence and made his life hell until he suddenly found a flat!

Gemma1971 · 16/12/2019 17:46

No. It would be fine. It is your body, your choice.

Gemma1971 · 16/12/2019 17:47

He wasn't interested in helping his other child when he was ill, he can fuck off now.

MsDogLady · 16/12/2019 17:47

Stick to your guns and don’t feel guilty. I would not allow him to again manipulate and control the situation. He needs to respect your request to stay away. You previously said he is “very rich,” so he can afford a room.

ravenmum · 16/12/2019 17:47

My ex also did not have a friend with a spare bed/settee. In your case, he is being unreasonable if his only excuse is "I don't want to tell my friends".

MoonlightMistletoe · 16/12/2019 17:55

Follow your gut OP Thanks

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