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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband left for woman half his age.

815 replies

Apricot10 · 14/12/2019 18:31

Just that really.
He has left me for a 25 year old. He is 40 next month.
We have two children 6 and 9. My DS is Autistic. So I have been left with two children who can't understand why he has gone, especially my DS.
He has moved in with her, so I said I wasn't happy with the children visiting his place as they need more time to adjust to us being apart before he introduces anyone else.
So he is taking them to their grandparents when he has them.
He told me all of this by text. Won't give me her name said I might stalk her. (Like I have the time if I wanted to)
We were together 18 years married 11. I am totally devastated. Just been wrapping presents crying my eyes out.
I just feel so helpless and desperate.
I can't look at him, I feel sick when I do. I loved him for so many years. Why do they do this? What can he surely have in common with this girl?
Sad

OP posts:
Jolonglegs · 29/12/2019 19:34

I've just read this and feel so sad for you OP. Try and deal with the situation one day at a time, and don't get bogged down in what may happen in the future.
Please have a hug from me.Flowers

Original poster
Apricot10 · 29/12/2019 19:44

Thank you Jo. Yeah. I am trying to get my head around that there will probably be a lot of shocks along the way. Mainly when she wants kids, and dealing with my kids possibly having a half sibling. But like you say that's something to worry about in the future.

OP posts:
Minionmomma · 29/12/2019 19:51

What an absolute bunch of shitbags he and his family are. Rinse that schmuck for every last penny and soon before he gets his 25 yo knocked up. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but I want you and your children to get all you can. What a cliche he is. He does not deserve you and the children. Xx

GoodStuffAnnie · 29/12/2019 20:06

Blimey o Riley apricot hats off to you mate. You are responding to this shit situation like a bloody pro. Am in awe. Am cheering you on from the sidelines. Keep going xxxx

Helini · 29/12/2019 20:10

Really hope your SHL can take him for every penny. Fucking bastard and his bastard family.

Gutterton · 29/12/2019 20:57

I am so shocked that your ILs have accepted her and befriended her before you knew who she was.

This is an absolute insult to your lovely DCs.

I hope that your return to work gives you some distraction - and as others have said get the settlement pinned down whilst he may have an ounce of guilt.

What a nasty man - couldn’t even give your DCs one last Xmas. Despicable.

LannieDuck · 29/12/2019 20:57

He is paying the mortgage as his maintenance payment as when calculated it worked out the amount he would owe me.

I know this was a comment from some time ago, but I've only just read your thread.

If he pays the mortgage directly, he can claim he's entitled to 50% of any equity that may accrue in the property after your split (because he can demonstrate continued mortgage payments).

OTOH, if he pays you child support, you can choose to put it towards the mortgage. Then you'd be paying 100% of the mortgage (and his interest in any equity accrual could be considered to have ceased at the time he moves out).

Don't allow him to make one payment and class it as both i) his mortgage payment, and ii) your child support. One is his money, and the other is yours.

mathanxiety · 29/12/2019 21:04

Excellent point from LannieDuck.

mathanxiety · 29/12/2019 21:12

And as soon as possible, you and exH need to sit down and tell the DCs a unified version of events that focuses on the separation being the result of something that happened between you and ex, and not a result of anything the children did or didn't do.

Be careful that he doesn't spin them some lies on Wednesday. If the GF is going to be a part of their lives then the narrative the DCs are told should include the GF and the fact that exH chose to leave you and the DCs to be with her. If she is not included in what you tell the DCs they will put two and two together anyway and wonder what else you are lying about.

springydaff · 29/12/2019 21:53

Call out what you will but at some point this revolting behaviour comes home to roost. They will not get off lightly with this.

Not that you'll be watching (it's usually glacially slow.. Confused) bcs you'll be going forward into a life with a clean slate. The sooner you sweep these vile people off the board the better. Flowers

Original poster
Apricot10 · 29/12/2019 22:32

I just typed out a big reply and then didn't post it.🙄 start again. Thank you everyone. All great points and Lannie I had no idea about that. Great advice. Thank you.
Will get the mortgage over to my account ASAP.
Regarding the GF involvement with the DC, she has said she has no interest in being a step mother and will leave when they stay with him. Problem is we recently discussed having them 50/50, and I asked how her leaving would work with regards to half the week. And he said he hadn't put it to her. She doesn't have a clue he is planning on having the kids live with him half the time. I think it may go down like a shit sandwich. Who knows!

OP posts:
Annafs · 29/12/2019 22:34

Have just RTFT and don’t have much advice to give but wanted to say he sounds like an utter bastard to do this and his parents!! So shocked about the disrespect they’ve shown towards you to be aware of the OW and welcome her in the home Angry fuming on your behalf. On the other hand, you sound very sensible and like you have your head screwed on right. You’ve been given some amazing advice here so just one step at a time and you and your DC will be just fine Flowers

Multigloves · 29/12/2019 23:14

So shocked about the disrespect they’ve shown towards you to be aware of the OW and welcome her in the home angry fuming on your behalf.

I agree. At least you know OP where he learnt to treat people like rubbish from.

mathanxiety · 30/12/2019 03:23

I very much doubt he will ask for 50/50, Apricot10. He will choose the GF if she makes him choose between her or his children.

Sad
Original poster
Apricot10 · 30/12/2019 03:38

I suspect you are right math, he hasn't ever really stepped up as a parent. I don't expect him to do so now. I just need to protect the kids as much as I can. They don't need anymore rejection.

OP posts:
Vafanculo · 30/12/2019 03:52

Sorry you're having an awful Christmas. It will be hard. GF probably expects he'll have them for a couple of hours once a week lol.

PicsInRed · 30/12/2019 06:58

Complete the financial settlement and/or file with family court on the basis of you being the resident parent with all care.

Have solicitor include in your witness statement that OW refuses to be on property when children are over - the Judge will draw the appropriate conclusion re: likely long term arrangements from that.

confusedandemployed · 30/12/2019 07:12

I've just RTFT and have no constructive advise, but I just want to cheer you on, you're doing fantastically in a really awful situation.

I really hope you see that solicitor soon, I suspect he will have a BIG shock.

Original poster
Apricot10 · 30/12/2019 10:39

So he picked them up (late) I am now working, well i am supposed to be doing.Confused Anyway, he has taken them to his flat. My DD has been sending me photos of his flat and the OW pet snake, saying how cool it is. I have been doing the whole "ooh isn't that nice etc" I feel shit.
I finally got his address out of him as I said I needed to know where the children were and he has done after about 3 texts me requesting. It's on the next street to where we had our first flat together! You couldn't make this crap up.
Urgh, going to finish work and take the dog out for a walk.

OP posts:
springydaff · 30/12/2019 12:12

Let's hope the snake is poisonous and it slips out at night and bites the vile pair and they die in agony.

Heheh

Nofunkingworriesmate · 30/12/2019 12:41

Women are like tea bags you never know how strong they are until they are in hot water
You are awesome apricot10
Be careful of 50/50 child sharing as he probly thinks he can get away without paying if he dies that, make the expense lawyer a priority
Expect more cuntery and heartless behaviour to follow
Be the bigger person and never slag him or her off as this will work out best for you in the long run. I have just found out that my long dead grandmother had suffered abuse from by very long dead grandfather and she never ever told her kids any of it so they could have their own relationship and memories of him untarnished... I have never loved the old girl more since I discovered this. Bitter parents fuck up their kids ... I do however hope the snake shits on their bed after biting his testiles 😂

Original poster
Apricot10 · 30/12/2019 16:46

Thanks everyone. Yes I keep reminding myself that I need to not slag him off in front of them. It's bloody hard at times.
I do wonder if I am screwing them up, as my parents had a very bitter divorce.(same thing actually he left for a woman 25 years his junior, they are still married.) I can see things from my mothers point of view now.
I was a bit messed up by their divorce as they used me to hurt one another, it wasn't pleasant. So I am working very hard to not make the same mistake. Urgh it's hard though. Fingers cross for a snake attack! Grin

OP posts:
Sh0na · 30/12/2019 16:50

Screw his family days! He can't saunter in and out, but leave you with 100% of the responsibility.

I know this is counterintuitive when you have just dissolved a marriage but please, please make sure that he has the DC (both of them) for as close to 50% of the time as possible.

I'd let him go. You will rebuild your life. You're about the same age? If so, you are ONLY forty. You're young. So much life out there if you aren't burdened with 100% of the responsibility that should only be 50%

I hope you can take the wind out of his sails by making it clear to him that he can saunter off with whoever caught his eye but he CANNOT leave you shafted, with no freetime and no freedom to work, pursue a social life, love life, career. Do not let him do that to you.

Sh0na · 30/12/2019 16:59

Don't try too hard to ''cover'' for him.

You can say he left for a new relationship. He wants to live with her now. Don't try to be too fair. My friend broke her back trying to be too fair to her selfish x. She built him up to be some great guy which only made it harder for her child to process later, when he was all but checked out. The young teenager had to try and square in her head this GREAT guy that she'd been told about repeatedly with a man who never put himself out to see her.

I think my own DC have fared much better because I was quite factual about why I left and why I had no choice and we are looking forward not back, no bitterness, but I'm not going to the trouble of magnifying his few good points while I minimise his many bad ones. That's for him to ''manage'' if he comes to see them he can have a chance of shaping how they view him.

Original poster
Apricot10 · 30/12/2019 18:22

Yes Sh0na I have been pretty straight up with my 9 (10 in a few weeks) year old. She is quite grown up in many ways. I haven't slagged him off but have told her straight. Her little brother doesn't really know about the OW, he asks his dad if he lived alone today and he said "most of the time". Hmm he just can't be straight with them at all.
He is an utter coward. Yes I will be trying for him having them 3 days and me having them 4 days per week. Its difficult with my son's additional needs, as 50:50 may not work out well for him, as long as its consistent he should be okay. He cried when he came home today saying he had missed me, he was only gone 8 hours. He is 6 though, hopefully it will get easier for him. Urgh. And in that 8 hours he gave them marmite on toast, so they are starving must go and make food. Thnaks everyone you really are helping with this god awful few weeks. I can't thank you all enough. I feel stronger, but incredibly sarcastic when I respond to him. I can't help myself, but I know I need to get a grip of it.

OP posts:
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