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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband left for woman half his age.

815 replies

Apricot10 · 14/12/2019 18:31

Just that really.
He has left me for a 25 year old. He is 40 next month.
We have two children 6 and 9. My DS is Autistic. So I have been left with two children who can't understand why he has gone, especially my DS.
He has moved in with her, so I said I wasn't happy with the children visiting his place as they need more time to adjust to us being apart before he introduces anyone else.
So he is taking them to their grandparents when he has them.
He told me all of this by text. Won't give me her name said I might stalk her. (Like I have the time if I wanted to)
We were together 18 years married 11. I am totally devastated. Just been wrapping presents crying my eyes out.
I just feel so helpless and desperate.
I can't look at him, I feel sick when I do. I loved him for so many years. Why do they do this? What can he surely have in common with this girl?
Sad

OP posts:
Weenurse · 14/12/2019 21:39

So sorry 💐

selmabear · 14/12/2019 21:52

I'm so sorry OP. What a dick. My sisters ex partner who is 42 left her for a 19 year old so I know through her experience what you're going through. Sending you a lot of hugs and love and you will be ok my lovely xxx

BraveGoldie · 14/12/2019 22:40

Yup me too OP - 42 year old husband left me for 23 year old, after 21 years together. I think a lot of men need this feeling of power and superiority to hold onto (or recapture) their manliness..... being with someone young gives them that, because the woman is totally unthreatening and can't be their equal, at least in terms of experience. It makes them feel big and is intoxicating.

I am so sorry you are going through this. This time will be very hard, but you will come out of it and rebuild your life. I think it is highly likely he will end unhappy, but by then you will rightly have moved on and found happiness without him.

But too early for all that now I know. Just let the tears out, take the support you need, and give yourself a break.

Sending hugs.

Goldie x

spookysamhainwitch · 14/12/2019 22:56

What an utter arse. How did you find out @Apricot10

Be kind to yourself, my ex left me for a girl 10years younger while I was pregnant. Their engaged now.
Their both cunts. But slowly you'll be ok. Make sure you've plenty of people to talk to and counselling helped me no end.

Original poster
Apricot10 · 14/12/2019 23:00

Thank you so much everyone. My friend has just gone home and we had a lovely evening. Really talked it all through.
She said the same to take each day, and at the moment I am just aiming to get through Christmas.
The kids are doing okay, however my eldest DD has been sleeping in with me for the last few weeks, she just wants to be close to me. My DS thank fully is pretty oblivious to it, but then will then ask where is dad. etc. It is so hard.
I hate my "D" H so much, I didn't ever think i could feel such hate towards him. He picked up the kids earlier, and I quickly just kissed them and said goodbye and just left to go to the shop.i couldn't look at him.
He thinks we can be friends, we can have family days. He even thought we could go on the holiday we had booked for next year. (I have cancelled it today), but he thinks we can go and the OW doesn't mind. Like I give a crap what she minds. The whole thing is so surreal.
Anyway, thanks for the support everyone o really appreciate it. Will update tomorrow. Going to try and get some sleep.Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Apricot10 · 14/12/2019 23:00

He told me via text spooky. Really classy.

OP posts:
holly40 · 14/12/2019 23:03

What a prick.
Surely he will come to realise the massive mistake he's made. I doubt their relationship will be much fun now!
Do you know how long they have been seeing each other?

Just try and keep busy and focused. Take each hour as it comes. Thanks

SpringFan · 14/12/2019 23:21
Flowers Can't add to the advice given. Find the important documents, pension, salary details, savings, ISAs, credit card bills etc. Copy them, even if it is just taking a photo on your phone and keep them safe. Get the house valued. If you have a joint account set up one in your own name and get your salary paid in to it. If its a joint account and if you can see his credit card, see if you can find out how much he has spent on her. Apply for single person council tax discount, apply for CMS and UC.
SpringFan · 14/12/2019 23:23

What a rat, leaving you and his 2 DC at Christmas. She certainly deserves what she is getting!
Any chance of going to your family for Christmas to get some support? PP suggestion of moving nearer family may be a thought for the future.

Closetbeanmuncher · 15/12/2019 00:10

He thinks we can be friends, we can have family days. He even thought we could go on the holiday we had booked for next year

Yeah right....jog on dumpster diver 👋

IdblowJonSnow · 15/12/2019 00:19

Massive hand hold OP.
It's just getting through the days in the early days. And will be up and down for a bit.
What a cliche he is.
Glad you've got some nice friends looking out for you.
Arrange to see a solicitor in the NY asap.
You will get through this and come out stronger.
Flowers

eaglejulesk · 15/12/2019 00:44

So sorry to hear this Flowers It will be overwhelming to begin with, just take it a day at a time. Let your friends help if they offer, and your family. I know it's hard, but it sounds as though you and the children will be better off without him. Hugs.

RainbowBelts · 15/12/2019 00:49

So sorry op Flowers what an absolute shit.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 15/12/2019 01:18

Awful.
Let him go and look after yourself.

Countryescape · 15/12/2019 04:29

Why do they do it? Because she’s a tight , young, new thing that boosts his confidence as a middle aged guy whose best years are behind him. It is such a cliche it’s pathetic.

itsmecathycomehome · 15/12/2019 04:48

It's such a shock to find out that the person you loved actually isn't the person you thought they were. I'm another one who has experienced it op. There is no escaping the fact that it is incredibly hurtful and devastating, and I'm afraid that nothing really helps except time and distraction.

What a fool he is. Just another man having a mid life crisis and trying to recapture his youth. The irony is that he will come to feel every single one of his years, probably when he is socialising with her friends and realises that he has nothing in common with any of them, or when she starts pressurising him for babies, or when he experiences some I'll health that she hasn't got the patience to support.

The time will come when he regrets what he has done, but you won't care by then because you will have moved on.

Original poster
Apricot10 · 15/12/2019 19:16

He just dropped the kids off after having them for the weekend. I feel dreadful, I just want to scream. I missed the kids so much found it so hard being away from them. God this is awful.

OP posts:
itsmecathycomehome · 15/12/2019 20:06

It is very hard and I'm so sorry that this has happened to you.

I know it is no comfort now but it will get easier, and you may even come to appreciate the child-free days when you can carve out some time for yourself.

But you are nowhere near that yet and need to be kind to yourself. Seek out rl support. Keep posting here. Look after your children, and begin thinking about practicalities. Avoid contact with him as much as you can.

namina · 15/12/2019 20:07

I'm so sorry this has happened to you 😩😩

Closetbeanmuncher · 15/12/2019 20:14

You'll cope alone with the DC OP, I know it doesn't seem like it at the moment but you always find a way. I know how hard it is to have DC with autism (single parent for nearly a decade), sometimes the behaviour can be really challenging.

Think of being away from them as a well deserved break, catch up with friends and keep busy.

Please make sure that imbacile is paying maintenance.

Bluebutterfly90 · 15/12/2019 20:36

Stay strong OP!
Its normal to struggle as you adjust to such a huge shift in your life, just try and do something to make yourself happy when he has the kids. Treat yourself in a way you normally wouldn't.
Your ex is a fool who is trying to have his cake and eat it too, by suggesting you still do holidays and such like.

spookysamhainwitch · 15/12/2019 20:38

@Apricot10 I'm the same, used hate the time away from the kids, it's gotten easier, I fill it up with meeting friends and work and sleep. So much sleep. You'll get to a point where you will enjoy the time to yourself. He sounds as if he's seeing everything through rose tinted glasses at the moment. Maybe try and disengage a bit and try not to talk. I only conversed with ex through email for a long while until I'd healed enough for the anger to go.

beautifulstranger101 · 15/12/2019 20:41

OP, I m so so sorry. Sounds like he's going through some kind of stupid mid life crisis where he chases after younger women in a lame attempt to make himself feel better. I highly doubt this relationship will last, once the novelty has worn off he'll probably come crawling back. The two of them will have nothing in common and the age difference that first attracted him will drive them apart.

Agree with filing for divorce and getting as much out of him as you can. Get everyone to rally round you now and get as much support as you can. It absolutely sucks now, but he has shown what a despicable person he is and you are better off without him. Chin up and good luck. ((((hugs))))

Original poster
Apricot10 · 15/12/2019 21:18

Thanks everyone. My DS came back tonight and was quite distressed and asked to speak to his dad. So I called him. He answered the phone by accident. I could hear him and her talking about me. It was an open line for about 2 minutes. Total bastards.

OP posts:
HowDoYouLikeThoseSuedeApples · 15/12/2019 21:32

Don’t forget to start your CMS claim asap