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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband left for woman half his age.

815 replies

Apricot10 · 14/12/2019 18:31

Just that really.
He has left me for a 25 year old. He is 40 next month.
We have two children 6 and 9. My DS is Autistic. So I have been left with two children who can't understand why he has gone, especially my DS.
He has moved in with her, so I said I wasn't happy with the children visiting his place as they need more time to adjust to us being apart before he introduces anyone else.
So he is taking them to their grandparents when he has them.
He told me all of this by text. Won't give me her name said I might stalk her. (Like I have the time if I wanted to)
We were together 18 years married 11. I am totally devastated. Just been wrapping presents crying my eyes out.
I just feel so helpless and desperate.
I can't look at him, I feel sick when I do. I loved him for so many years. Why do they do this? What can he surely have in common with this girl?
Sad

OP posts:
springydaff · 30/12/2019 19:00

Don't worry about it, you're not wonder woman. My goodness, I screamed at ex a full scream in the street once. Obviously not my greatest moment in any front at all but I'm not made of wood. Who gaf what he thinks?

I think he factual with the kids. It has hurt you so you don't need to hide that. Don't go overboard wailing of course but you don't have to be jolly. There's a world of difference between what your parents did and you just not covering up you are hurt.

springydaff · 30/12/2019 19:01

Be factual *

Original poster
Apricot10 · 30/12/2019 19:31

Yes, that's how I have tried to be. They have seen me cry a few times, but it hasn't been crazy crying. But I have been open and honest with my eldest. Said I am very hurt right now. But in time I will feel better and I am sure me and her dad will get along better. DD has been a bit rude about OW and I have said she will feel differently. She just needs time to adjust and to not be unkind. All through gritted teeth. Ex just brushes stuff under the carpet, he is doing it with everyone. Probably telling his family it's all mutual and we are best friends! Total dick head.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 31/12/2019 02:07

Two outrageous details:

  • Playing games with you about his address.
    This is not on.
    Make sure you include in your custody agreement that each parent must inform the other of their address if they move within 48 hours of moving in, or less time if the children are to be at that new address before 48 hours elapses. It's important that you know where to send emergency help if one of your children calls you to say dad has fallen and hit his head and won't wake up, etc. Or dad is out and DCs are alone and something comes up.
    You will be bound by the stipulation too of course, but you are probably not going to find this onerous.
    You need to check the sex offender registry for each new address he notifies you of. Check it now that you know his current address. The DCs need to be made aware of any dangers in the area.

  • Just Marmite on toast to eat in an 8 hour period.
    I would rip him a new one over this. You don't have a visitation agreement in place yet - you are not even divorced yet. This isn't a case of you trying to dictate his choices during any court ordered parenting time or sticking your nose in where it doesn't belong.

Original poster
Apricot10 · 31/12/2019 06:18

Thank you Math that is great advice again. I will look to do this.
Not sleeping well at all, keep waking up early hours.
Just going over the last 12 months in my mind, "working" until 11pm every night, when in 10 years at his job they haven't offered overtime once, also not seeing any money from this overtime. Shady about his phone, going out and staying at friends for poker nights, saying he didn't feel sexual anymore and he had issues with this, (nope obviously just with me) in hindsight it was so glaringly obvious. Why the hell was a I so damn blind to recognise it all?
His dad text me and said "I know things that would hurt you, and I am not allowed to say anything." They have known all this time. These people were my in laws for 18 years. The whole damn family. Parents, brother, sister. And I find this out because they befriended her on Facebook of all things.
It's only now I think the level of deceipt and betrayal has hit me. I don't think I will ever trust anyone again.
All this was going on while I was dealing with my dad being gravely Ill. The last 2 years he was being treated for cancer, he came through it, but it made him very frail and lasting health issues, he was sent home last Aug to die basically after he became ill with sepsis. Mot sure how long he has left really, but he is going in there. It was the hardest time of my life and my husband was off shagging and setting up home with another woman.
Ex says I shouldn't be in another relationship because I "don't understand why our marriage failed." WTF that means I do not know.
I feel like people are laughing at me, silly foolish apricot she didn't see it coming did she. His brother did the same to his first wife and he is still married to his OW. I saw him on Xmas Eve as he dropped presents round for the kids and he was sheepish as hell.
I think this is what you call a wobble. Sorry I just needed to get it out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Apricot10 · 31/12/2019 06:20

Excuse the typos.

OP posts:
Musix · 31/12/2019 06:46

Apricot10 he's an arsehole. You are not. That's all you need to remember. Sure he feels good now, but it's shallow and it's not real.

Waffles80 · 31/12/2019 06:57

Absolute arsehole. It sounds like you’re doing really well in what must be an incredibly awful situation.

mathanxiety · 31/12/2019 07:08

Wobble whenever you need to, Apricot10.

Betrayal is such a cruel act. To heap such humiliation on someone you promised to love, honour, etc is so wrong, and on top of that the betrayers and those in cahoots with them appear so unruffled, unbothered, and fine with it all that their victims experience that aspect too as a sucker punch.

GrumpyHoonMain · 31/12/2019 07:12

Take him to the cleaners financially. Lets see how attractive a prospect he is to a 25 yo without any money.

OpalShimmer · 31/12/2019 07:43

Ex says I shouldn't be in another relationship because I "don't understand why our marriage failed." WTF that means I do not know.

What this means is that he would not be in control then, like he feel he is now. It is one thing him meeting someone and and introducing her into his life, it is a whole new ball game when there is another man (threat - to him) around both you and his children.

tenredthings · 31/12/2019 08:09

Ignore his hurtful words. He's full of shit. OW wont want him once she understands what having children really means. It will begin to dawn on him how much he has messed his life up.
You are loving and loveable and he's a cunt !

Gutterton · 31/12/2019 10:38

This the time when all of the insights will surface when you reflect back. When the details of the story come out. This will wound and hurt you deeply. But the details, the OW, your ex, your ILs are all irrelevant now.

You will feel massively angry - find time and space to express that anger and hurt and process it with supportive people who love and cherish you.

Don’t feed their egos by engaging or rowing with them. Block everyone and everything and just have one email to discuss child arrangements separately. Try to detach, be distant, silent, dignified to them. Each time you engage there will be another detail or comment that will blow your mind - protect yourself from this. None of it will change the past but by not engaging and blocking any info you are conserving your emotional energy for today for your DCs for you.

This is a big effort but is easier when you set your mind to it and put in the physical blocks with them.

Do you have a psychotherapist to work with?

Original poster
Apricot10 · 31/12/2019 10:48

Thank you Gutterton, I needed that. And thank you everyone. I don't have a psychotherapist, however in the industry I work in I could get access to one my boss has already offered help, she her self is a child Psychologist.So I think I will take her up on it.
I think I need to just realise I won't get the answers to everything, and it doesn't make a difference now. He lies and lies about everything.
He turned up 40 minutes late to pick them up this morning. He doesn't seem to care that I have to work, because I work from home. It is "flexible."
I am looking forward to getting back to work and the kids getting back to school. Just some normality being resumed. I think I will cope better then. My friend and her little girl are coming over for a few drinks (for the grown ups, not the kidsConfused)
this evening. I said I won't be doing the New Year countdown, but some fun games and a few Gins would be nice.
Thanks everyone. I am over today's wobble.Smile

OP posts:
SophieSong · 31/12/2019 11:22

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think that this statement about you not being in another relationship is very telling. Aside from the sheer gall of it, it shows exactly what sort of person he is - someone who has such a fragile ego he feels the need to try and put doubts in your mind about moving on (which you will do eventually!) because even though he has been such an asshole to you he can't bear the thought of you god forbid actually could meet someone other than him.

All you have described is terrible behaviour but I honestly find that comment to be one of the worst. He's actually trying to limit you already in potentially finding new love one day! While you are in the middle of coping with these awful revelations and he is swanning off with his OW! That's gobsmacking.

FWIW you sound lovely - like a wonderful and caring woman and mother and I don't think you sound foolish. You trusted this man and he betrayed you - if anyone is foolish it's him.

Justgivemethehobnobs · 31/12/2019 11:41

Just read your thread and don't have any advice but just want to say how incredibly well you are dealing with what has happened, even with a very small wobble.
Your ex is utterly selfish and can't believe the actions of his family! Hope you manage to have a nice new years, and wishing you happiness for 2020, even if it's very different from the year you may have imagined.

crookedhouse · 31/12/2019 12:06

Ex says I shouldn't be in another relationship because I "don't understand why our marriage failed." WTF that means I do not know.
I feel like people are laughing

@Apricot10 What a piece of work he is to say something like this. If/when you feel ready to enter into another relationship his opinion counts for nothing as he is a nasty bastard trying to assuage his own guilt by shifting the blame onto you. Your marriage may have come to an end naturally, due to you no longer being happy with each other, but the way it ended is down to him and he should be ashamed.

Don't waste your time thinking on his family's behaviour. They have unfortunately shown where their loyalties lie and from what you've said of them you really don't need people like this in your life. After all, your DH was raised by these people and the apple doesn't usually fall that far from the tree.

springydaff · 31/12/2019 12:08

I think he's rewriting history to justify doing such a vile thing. He believes his shit, has probably spread his vile account to all, what a dastardly woman you are, how justified he is to have found comfort elsewhere. Etc.

So predictable. So cowardly and pathetic and weak. You're well rid Flowers

Original poster
Apricot10 · 31/12/2019 17:42

Thanks everyone. It's been a truly shit day and your words really help. He returned the kids an hour early today because OW wanted to use the flat to get ready for new year.
So I ended up having to cut my day by an hour. I was trying to have a good tidy up.
I have tried to arrange a temporary visitation for the kids which is visit wed night after work, and he has them all day Sunday.
He hasn't sorted anywhere for them to sleep at his flat so they can't stay over until he does.
He said yes I will agree to that if it fits into your schedule for the moment. Fits into my schedule?! I am trying to limit the amount of time I have to see the massive twat, and lucky I am allowing that time! He really has no clue.
He is pissed off because I won't hang out with him anymore. We were best friends and that could still happen according to him.
I have told him he can see the kids, that will never be a problem but I don't come as part of the package anymore. He didn't want me, so he doesn't get to hang out with me.
He still has a key to the house too and won't give me it back.
It's only now I realise how controlling he is.

OP posts:
Thesuzle · 31/12/2019 17:52

Change the locks, or if he’s still paying the mortgage ? Are you going to get it in your name as a previous post suggested

Gutterton · 31/12/2019 18:33

Just put the chain on and/or chub it from the inside if you think he will walk in unannounced.

It’s early days sorting access. But he doesn’t get to mess with the times - picking up late and dropping back early. Keep texts where arrangements were made and a log where he messes you about. This can go to court if needed. He can’t hold you hostage.

Helini · 31/12/2019 18:54

I've read many of these kinds of threads, OP, and I've never hated, to the bone, the utter scum bag of a 'd'h before. Fuck me. I feel like I'm the Hulk on the verge of realeaseing all my green fury. I want revenge on that cunt and his cunting family!! And hope his cunting GF gets eaten by that cunting snake. Fucking cunts.

OP, you're wonderful and the furthest thing from a cunt there could possibly be.

harriethoyle · 31/12/2019 19:03

@Apricot10 I'm happy to recommend a couple more SHL (depending on your location) if you want to pm me

Original poster
Apricot10 · 01/01/2020 00:51

Helini thank you that post made me laugh so much. My best mate came over this evening and we planned a mini break with our kids for the summer. Really looking forward to it. Will catch up properly with the posts tomorrow and I will always be up for SHL recommendations! Happy New year everyone. I am so glad it's all done and dusted with, the last week has been so damn painful. I will be spending next Christmas with family and the kids it's all sorted. Need my bed now, night everyone.Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Apricot10 · 01/01/2020 18:19

Hi everyone, he was supposed to pick the kids up again today. Called saying he was ill. 🙄 so this is his last day of holiday before he goes back to work tomorrow.
I have been trying to work out the whole divorce process. I really don't know where to start and can't afford to see solicitor just yet. Feeling a bit overwhelmed.

OP posts: