Husband left for woman half his age.

[Apricot10]

Just that really.
He has left me for a 25 year old. He is 40 next month.
We have two children 6 and 9. My DS is Autistic. So I have been left with two children who can't understand why he has gone, especially my DS.
He has moved in with her, so I said I wasn't happy with the children visiting his place as they need more time to adjust to us being apart before he introduces anyone else.
So he is taking them to their grandparents when he has them.
He told me all of this by text. Won't give me her name said I might stalk her. (Like I have the time if I wanted to)
We were together 18 years married 11. I am totally devastated. Just been wrapping presents crying my eyes out.
I just feel so helpless and desperate.
I can't look at him, I feel sick when I do. I loved him for so many years. Why do they do this? What can he surely have in common with this girl?

That's unbelievable OP! I wouldn't even be too sure it was an accident on his part, if he was talking about you. It seems like he's enjoying the drama. Ignore the pair of sad gits, they deserve each other!

His loss, enjoy your Christmas with the kids!

I'd drop children off at grandparents house to avoid seeing him for time being.

I am so sorry this is happening to you and your lovely children OP.

Please continue to contact friends and consider visiting family for support. You do not have to dance to his tune any longer. When the children are with him, try to go out, find new friends, see films, listen to music, go to the gym. Fill up the time with you time.

You sound lovely. He is a dickhead of the highest order. Life will get better.

What did they say?? You mustn’t hang on that too much, they are bastards and you will get through this xx

At 25 she's going to have a real shock with regards to the kids.

There is no fool like an old fool, and yours is selfish and cruel too, quite a turd in fact.

LOL at 'family time' and going on the holiday. He wants to have his cake and eat it, mainly to make himself feel better about the horrible thing he has done to you and to his own children.

Do you have a solicitor?

You need to get custody and visitation and child support set up asap. Also decisions made wrt the family home.

You need to have a clause inserted into any visitation agreement that there is to be no bad mouthing of the other parent or their family while DCs are with him or with you.

Looking forward, would you like to move closer to your own family? Talk to a solicitor about this, and of course you have to take the DCs' school situation into account.

What I did on the long, long weekends when my DCs were with exH initially was eat lots of chocolate. This isn't sustainable. So I decided that this would be time I might try out a vegetarian recipe just for myself, set aside time for reading or listening to music, get out for a long walk, reorganise a closet, or something else that I could feel positive about. It's really hard to get yourself together when it has all just happened though. Be patient with yourself. You won't have energy for quite a while. It will take every ounce of strength to get through each day.

Don't feel you are inadequate in any way. You are facing a situation like a sudden bereavement, and you need time to mourn. Be kind in your thoughts toward yourself and be kind in your actions - make a cup of tea, enjoy a few biscuits, get your nails done. If you have time, go and get a massage. Above all, have friends and family around as much as possible.

Christmas is going to be especially trying this year.

Take it one day at a time.

What a total piece of shit he is! I wouldn’t be doing any family days out or holidays. He doesn’t get to have his cake and eat it. Nasty sod.

Thank you everyone. I am reading all of your posts and I appreciate them all. I feel a bit better today. I just feel so sad for the kids.
Yep, she will have a shock when she has to step up and look after the kids (apparently she has no interest in doing that though) she will certainly learn quickly having a child with special needs. I hope she didn't mind cleaning up poo off of a 6 year old because he soils himself often. He wets himself often. I hope this silly little girl is equipped to deal with a child with Autism.
The whole house thing is a nightmare. We have just bought it, we rented it for a few years then bought it off the landlord. He told me of the new woman 2 days after we completed.
I can't buy him out, I can't afford to rent. It's so expensive here. I can't move near family as no one could look after the kids anyway, (older parents).
I do however have a great group of friends around me here.
So I am stuck with him on my mortgage until I can work more for a lot more so I can buy him out. With the kids this isn't likely soon. He is paying the mortgage as his maintenance payment as when calculated it worked out the amount he would owe me. He earns a decent amount.
When I asked him why on earth he moved this girl in, he said well it helps with bills.
In the next breath he said that is was more serious than just casual. (Obviously) and then said we (meaning me and him) moved in together quickly. (we moved in together after about 3 months)
We were 20, students and had no children involved! He had totally lost his mind.
I have told him he can come and spend a few hours with the kids, on wednesdays put them to bed etc. I will go and have a bath or something. And enjoy some time to myself. He hasn't responded to that. He thought he could just pop by for half an hour. I have told him no needs step up and help with the children.
I don't feel very sad today. I just want to get Xmas out of the way, then I will start saving up for the divorce. I want rid of him ASAP. I feel sick being his wife now.
I have a lot of support over the phone. But my dad is very ill, recovered from stomach cancer last year, but never really recovered form chemo. So my step mum is stuck nursing him at the moment so they cant visit, he is too tired to handle the kids.It's all just a bit crap.

OP just wanted to say how sorry I am and what an absolute cunt budger your husband is

there is brilliant advice and support on here

Id also recommend you look at chump lady www.chumplady.com/ you'll see many of the things he says follow a script where he exonerates himself and in fact (the kindness!) is actually doing the best thing for both of you....dont play along with it. if he was unhappy he should have said something not sodded off with someone else

So sorry you are having to go through this. What a twat, and what shitty timing.

You will get through it. It may not always feel like you will, especially right now when the shock and hurt are so fresh, but you absolutely will. You will come through the other side of this.

So you'll be going for 50/50 custody, right? None of this Disney dad, every other weekend with glitter on nonsense? He can do the leg work too and parent like he should?

I have told him he can come and spend a few hours with the kids, on wednesdays put them to bed etc. I will go and have a bath or something.

^^

No. You can go OUT.

Do see a lawyer asap op - use the free first half hour facility (they get through a LOT in half an hour). You will be surprised at what you are entitled to.

Eg: you have 2 children, one of whom has sn. You will get the house until the youngest is at least 18, probably longer. I paid for my divorce lawyer after I got the settlement; then approx £40pm until the bill was paid off. Many firms offer this.

This divorce is going to be VERY EXPENSIVE for him.

Re letting the kids go for visitation: it helped me to take them to him, then I could carry on and do something nice and generally potter about doing great stuff. Then going home to an empty house wasn't too painful - I found waving them off and shutting the door to an empty house too much. (And I left him! So no enormous grief and shock to add to it.)

It's not ok for him to come and go. You have to see to your needs as well, it's not all about the kids. Yy that's hard to get your head around but, really, you must see to your needs too - you are facing enormous shock and heartache, you have to nurture yourself for the sake of the kids as well as yourself.

Take care 💗

I hope you are doing ok op.

My ex husband did this to me and our kids too. About to turn 40, had an affair with a 27 year old and I found out. Not sure whether he would have left us for her but I took that choice away from him and told him to leave. He has never been on his own so then got together properly with her. This was a couple of days after Xmas two years ago. He split with her a few weeks ago and from what I have heard, it was mostly because she didn't like the amount of time he spent with his children, didn't show all that much interest in them (they are 12 and 13) and i think the novelty of a younger woman just wore off as they had very little in common. Oh, he also had another woman lined up...surprise surprise.

I, meantime am happily in another relationship and found myself pitying him the other day.

Make the most of him wanting to spend time with the kids (not all of them do) and make sure you get a break and recharge when he does. I found that counselling helped me too and working out what help I was entitled to financially (not much as it happens but every bit helps).

I have great friends and they saved me many a time when I was very low. Time does help, I know that doesn't help much now but it really does. This is all a fantasy and it will come crashing down. It might take two years like it did with my ex but it will x

Thanks everyone. I think I need to get through Xmas, then sit down and speak to a solicitor. I wish he could have 50/50 but he works 2 hours away and commutes, so can't/won't do the school run. Can't/wont pick them up. I work school hours so I can do the school run. I have done everthing for the last nearly 10 years. While he worked full time and far away.
I do feel so much better today. This weekend was very rough. But I think the weekends are for me. I spoke to his dad today and he said he could see the kids were not doing too well when he saw them, so has offered any help they can provide. They live 3 hours away so won't be very practical. But they can have the kids sometimes for holidays they live by the sea.
I am no longer sad about the loss of marriage. I really think I am better off in the long run now. I just want to concentrate on the kids, my work (which i love) and my dog. My kids need me to be strong, especially my DS, he is only 6 as well has having ASD.
My boss has offered me some counselling too, which I am going to take her up on.
God, amazing how things can change so quickly isn't it?

What a shit. The OW might think she’s scored a massive win now, but she won’t think that when he does the same to her in a few years.

Op, he should be paying towards the mortgage and giving you maintenance for the DC.Get thee to a shit hot lawyer. As a PP has said above, this divorce is going to be very expensive for him.

In the mean time please take care of yourself. Christmas is stressful enough without all this crap, but do try to enjoy it with your DC. It sounds like you all deserve a little bit of happiness. It’ll be a new year in a couple of weeks, onwards and upwards from there.

No words other than to say good luck OP.

OP I hope (if not now at least soon) you'll be able to see how hilarious it is that when they're alone and want you to think they're having some passionate affair, they're actually talking about you! How pathetic! They could be doing anything but you're clearly a huge factor in their relationship.

My son's dad cheated when I was pregnant for a few weeks until he was around 3 weeks old. I was devastated. But now I'm in a fantastic relationship with a new baby etc. He still cheats on everyone and still sends inappropriate messages to me and moaning about whichever girlfriend that she doesn't shag him enough!

You'll come out strong and brilliant from all this and your children will see that and know they can overcome anything.

She can't be much of a catch herself if she thinks he's worth all the trouble.

He’s such a cunt!

I really feel for you, just before Christmas. I hope he gets cock rot. The 25 yo will get bored and he’ll get dumped.

I hope you'll be pleasantly surprised after a meeting with a solicitor - you've done everything at home/children for the past 10 years allowing him to progress his career. And now his career and working hours are seriously restricting what you can do for yourself.

I hope you take him to the fucking cleaners.

A world of advice from a good solicitor that I know - always go for as big a lump sum settlement as you can, house, pension etc, and reduced maintenance if necessary.

A year or two down the line he may decide to retrain in a new field, go back to uni, quit work and live off his new girlfriend, he could have a horrible accident and be unable to work, and you'd be stuffed wrt maintenance. Get as much as you can cashed in the bank and in assets.

Thanks Tutti I have screenshot that bit of advice. I have made contact with a solicitor, so will see what she says. Thanks everyone. God I was in such a state a few days ago and all of your advice and comments have really pulled me through it. Thank you so much. He is coming to see the kids after work on Wednesday, so I am going to the pub with a friend.
The kids are in good spirits this evening, untreated them to a take away and they are now playing and having lots of laughs. So for today we are okay.

This happened to me. I was too soft at the time but, knowing what I know now, get every single penny you can if you divorce. There are no second chances.

I treated not untreated