Wow, Dr Frank Pittman certainly knows his stuff!
I can confirm this as I’m ashamed to say that some 12 years ago, I was the woman guilty of ‘falling into the temporary insanity of romantic affairs’.
There was nothing intrinsically ‘wrong’ with my existing partner of 13 years, in fact, he was probably the love of my life, but we had been through extreme work stresses and were financially hard up, (‘any situation in which they must face a lot of reality and grow up’).
When a man paid me a few compliments turning my head at the speed of a heat-seeking missile, I into full-blown affair mode within nanoseconds. The New Bloke had had (health) issues which I instantly found endearing and was sympathetic about, (though I now realise were self-inflicted and entirely avoidable), but the more problems the man had, the more I adored him.
The New Bloke appeared well off, (not that that was an attraction) and I was relieved that I finally didn’t have to worry so much about finances. I completely ignored the fact my poor, soon to be ex, was to be in an even worse position due to my leaving.
I got all my ducks in a row extremely quickly, not wishing to live the excitement of an affair, but to make new bloke my reality as my addled brain had convinced me was my destiny.
In my defence, unlike Apricots ex, I never expected anything from my dear partner and tried to make the break up as easy on him as I could, NEVER expecting him to take me back under any circumstances. That doesn’t take away from the fact that I broke the poor man’s heart and ruined his life at the time. (Fortunately, there were no children involved at the time and haven’t been any since.)
I did get my comeuppance. Once I’d made the break, I vowed to be the best woman I could to New Bloke. I married him and tried to be a good wife to him, trying to ignore the fact that he was actually, a narcissistic arsehole who quickly became a bully and eventually an abuser.
Obviously, I now deeply regret my actions, but NOT because my (now ex) husband turned out to be a gaslighting cunt, but because I was the stupid idiot that put myself in that position in the first place. When I look back however, I couldn’t have changed it. I was obsessed with him and willing to give up the happy life I’d loved for years without a second thought. Pittman says ‘Women in love are far more aware of what they are doing and what the dangers might be’ and I certainly was.
I hate to have gate-crashed Apricots thread and in NO WAY condone anything her about her horrible husbands actions, even as one who is just as guilty. I now have to live with my own actions however and accept that completely. I fucked up, so I now have to live with the consequences I never considered but fully deserve and I think this might be a fundamental difference between men and women.