Thread 2: Husband's now not-so-secret drinking problem

[Stickywhitelovepiss]

A thousand thanks to those who posted on my thread over the last 6 months.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3606514-Hand-hold-DH-missing-after-accident?watched=1&msgid=92322070#92322070

Short story is that husband got arrested for suspected drink driving in the middle of the day six months ago, and had muggings here believing it was all one big misunderstanding. Results have only this week been communicated - he was over the limit and is being charged accordingly.

Turns out he has been harbouring a secret drinking problem for way, way longer than I knew. In the last 6 months his drinking has escalated massively (or at least become more apparent to me), and I am under no illusions now that he is an alcoholic.

Rationally, and having read up on all the conventional wisdom on this front, I know I need to have him leave till he either sorts himself out, or we call it a day after 12 years.

Emotionally, it is tearing me in two.

I won't be making any sudden moves before Christmas, but please keep talking to me in the meantime. I'll be going to an Al-Anon this week, but right now it's you lovely nest of vipers that is keeping me sane...

To add once I had the medication (anxiety) to get through the withdrawal stage I honestly haven't overly struggled. Relative ease, yes. Because I was ready for it. I just knew it had to stop and I wanted that.

Don't know if that helps.

Keep being kind to yourself OP

That’s an excellent article @theemmadilemma. I think his main motivation is to keep me, and the others beneficial side effects in all honesty.

Hopefully all positive reinforcement though!

Glad to hear that things are looking more positive OP. Do keep up Al Anon as this wasn’t a problem that developed to this level (secret day time drinking and drink driving) over night ... this is likely v many years of decline - so will take some time to resolve. It would be good for you to keep educated thru Al Anon.

Does your DH have a difficult backstory from childhood?

The improved sleep is a massive sign that he isn't drinking. Alcohol messes massively with your sleep - I find that even a glass makes a difference to me, which is why I drink very little and have two complete dry months a year, just because I really enjoy the sleep.

You seem to have a clear head on your shoulders right now so just keep doing what you're doing.

I’ll be going to the next Al Anon meeting in a week, yes.

The last week or two have been really good between us. Not sure if that is a positive sign or whether I’m in danger of lulling myself into a false sense of security.

I am still on guard. He knows full well it’s last chance saloon here.

@Gutterton no, he had a blissful childhood and early adulthood, while mine took a lot of knocks in the teen years.

I do wonder whether this has resulted in the lack of resilience in his part over the last several years, when all of life’s inevitable problems seemed to pile on at once. I am certain that the prolonged hell we both went through at first hand with his mother’s dementia has played a massive role here. She’s been in residential care for the last 3 years, but fair to say we are probably both still walking wounded from those horrendous five years prior.

He’s an only child, and was a good son to her (with one hell of a lot of administrative, logistical and emotional support from me!).

Might well be worth him having some counselling to unpick why he needed to emotionally numb himself with drink as if that issue is still there, even subconsciously, it could make his recovery vulnerable.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease so it would be good for him to try to understand where and when his drinking habits started to increase. It may well have been when his DM became ill. Is his DF on the scene? A blissful childhood - if that means both his parents were emotionally attuned to his independent development - should have given him a very stable base to be emotionally resilient. So there may have been some emotionally deficiency in childhood and/or the shock and endurance of coping long term as an only child with a parent with dementia may have triggered a need (my DH has walked this path).

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0008nw3
This R4 programme - the science of addiction is interesting.

www.ted.com/talks/johann_hari_everything_you_think_you_know_about_addiction_is_wrong?language=en

This is also v interesting

@Gutterton - thanks for these. I’ll definitely give those a watch.

OH feels counselling is more applicable than AA for where he is now, and is arranging this at the moment. I’ve asked him to keep going to AA in the interim, which he’s agreed to.

Interesting to here your OH has walked a similar path - parental illness in our case has been an absolute killer. His DF died just before I came on the scene - also a very traumatic illness and death, which OH was very involved in then too.

In terms of emotional deficiencies, OH always said both his parents loved him, but were of their time in sort of letting him get on with things and not necessarily being particularly involved or hands-on. Not sure if that factors into anything, but definitely worth exploring with a counsellor.

He’s not necessarily a particularly deep thinker or at all introspective, so I wonder how it will go....

• hear

He’s not necessarily a particularly deep thinker or at all introspective, so I wonder how it will go....

He has used alcohol to numb his feelings and keep him from deep thinking. A good psychotherapist will help him explore his thoughts and feelings - there will be no where to hide. They will help him come to terms with unresolved hurt - and to then reflect, change and grow. He will be a much better person for it and your RS much richer.

@Gutterton, charitably speaking, I suspect OH’s hidden depths are rather on the shallow side! We shall see...

I'm glad you managed to enjoy Christmas. It could easily have been a disaster.
Keep on looking after yourself.

My dad was an alcoholic op. I find it interesting that you start to feel better if he goes 2-3 days without drinking. My dad drank in seasonal cycles. Six months on 6 months off. In winter he was a lovely gentle soul in summer he became a monster. I doubt in the winter he had stopped totally but to me as a child it felt like he had. He hung himself aged 60. Don't think this disease presents in the same ways with everyone op.

Hi OP. Thinking of you.

Thanks @CanISpeakToYourManager

Nothing new to report this end... He still seems dry... I am still largely just sad.

I hope that you can find some emotional support for YOU?

You are coming to terms with the fact that your relationship as you knew it was a lie.

He was living another life that you didn’t know about. His head was preoccupied by manoeuvring and obsessing to facilitate drinking. You were not in his thoughts and were not his priority. Your life now has changed - you are the partner of an alcoholic even if he never picks up another drink for the rest of his life.

Counselling will be good - if he engages properly (bit concerned he has avoided AA - denial?) - he needs to address the underlying issues and be open about his alcoholism - otherwise he will just be a “dry drunk” - and they are intolerable to live with.

Al anon will help you understand his mindset when he was drinking.

How has your week gone sticky?

Hope you are OK, OP and things have stayed calm.

Thanks both. Still here, no changes to report really...

Is he engaging with professionals to support his recovery?

Is he able to talk to you openly about it?

Are you getting help to understand the process?

Well. So (totally outing at this point), clearly COVID happened since my last post and now.

OH's mum was one of the first to go in round 1 - she was very old and very ill, with very advanced dementia, so (in the nicest possible sense) a bit of a blessing in disguise. But very much still his mum, and obviously not the end either of us would have wanted for her at all - not having both cared for her increasingly closely for 7 years until she became a quite literal danger to herself (and then some). At the time, we were at wave 1, and couldn't even be there to hold her hand at the end. It kills me still, let alone hi....

Going into a pandemic, with all its associated economic (and otherwise) uncertainty, and with a parental death to contend with, well.... Let's just say I haven't made good on anything I said before about plucking up the courage to leave. Not planning to any time soon either, what with everything else going on at the moment - I haven't seen my own family all year (and we are all very close), or any friends either - but I've by no means forgiven or forgotten. No, not a bit.

Why am I posting now...? Very belated trial (again, due to COVID) took place this week, and the jammy bastard only got off, on the basis that witnesses didn't show (among other aspects poor preparation on police / prosecution's part - resulting in case being ultimately kicked out).

I am on the one hand hugely relieved, as this limits the immediate blow-back on me, particularly so in the current circumstances. I'm also hugely angry, pissed off, resentful, all the usual...

The drinking has admittedly seemed to have massively improved. Not sober, by any means, but hasn't pulled any dick moves since the "incident" in question. Even with the two of us cooped up on top of each other for the best part of the year, I'm under no illusion that he'd find a way, if he really wanted to. He has been having counselling all year though (as opposed to AA), and it seems to have been helping.

Appreciate not a great happy ending, but rest assured I'm primed to protect myself whereever I need to - eyes wide open - form here on in

• FROM here on in, even