Thread 2: Husband's now not-so-secret drinking problem

[Stickywhitelovepiss]

A thousand thanks to those who posted on my thread over the last 6 months.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3606514-Hand-hold-DH-missing-after-accident?watched=1&msgid=92322070#92322070

Short story is that husband got arrested for suspected drink driving in the middle of the day six months ago, and had muggings here believing it was all one big misunderstanding. Results have only this week been communicated - he was over the limit and is being charged accordingly.

Turns out he has been harbouring a secret drinking problem for way, way longer than I knew. In the last 6 months his drinking has escalated massively (or at least become more apparent to me), and I am under no illusions now that he is an alcoholic.

Rationally, and having read up on all the conventional wisdom on this front, I know I need to have him leave till he either sorts himself out, or we call it a day after 12 years.

Emotionally, it is tearing me in two.

I won't be making any sudden moves before Christmas, but please keep talking to me in the meantime. I'll be going to an Al-Anon this week, but right now it's you lovely nest of vipers that is keeping me sane...

You will eventually come out of this feeling lighter. It's no longer your problem and your're no longer second guessing it. He's been done. End of.

You've done everything you could, he's had plenty of time to change - unfortunately the alcohol has won 😭

Yes, I have support from my fantastic Dad and step-mum, who are behind me all the way on this - plus my four best friends who are also all on side.

I am sourcing a new solicitor, as the one I had a follow-on consultation with the other week was not the right fit (seemed to think was a counsellor rather than a solicitor, and advice vague and wooly - in short, not for me, or at least not for something so huge). I have a recommendation from family into another, which I've arranged a call with for early next week (soonest available). Barring any heinous concerns with them though, I'll be looking to instruct - now I know I'm doing it, I want to get the ball rolling as soon as possible now.

In the meantime, planning out some practicalities - who's on which utilities, which direct debits on the joint will need re-assigning, what impact will need to be taken into account with things like life insurance, wills, etc. Got to love a spreadsheet for things like this...

While I'm in practical mode, OH is in pain mode - which in turn is horribly painful for me. One thousand times harder than dealing with my own hurt. It's all his own fault, and he knows it full well - and is cooperating with the process, and even on talking finances. Arggghh, it's horrible to see him cry though. Even if it won't change my mind. Not now, not ever - I've come too far for that at this point. Still fucking hurts though.

It does hurt. I went through the same with mine. Hardening your heart is so, so difficult. But there comes a time when self-preservation is more important - and you also have to remember that an alcoholic will not change if they do not feel any consequences from their behaviour. You're giving him consequences and he needs that.

You're doing great OP. Hope the recommended solicitor is a good fit

Well done op
My alcoholic h left over a month ago now and it's such a relief
Can't believe I put up with his bs for so long

Just read back over all two threads. Bloody hell. It's been a painful journey to this point - but one that I'm very grateful to you guys for having been on with me.

Finally told my mum. She had no idea. Arggh that was a hard conversation....

I'm glad you've told your mum I know it was difficult but that's one extra person you can call on when you need support.

Only took me best part of two years!

The length of time doesn't matter plus of course we don't like to worry our parents if there is no need.

That was a big step telling your DM. Well done for taking that big step. It seems that you are moving on with the practical stuff of separation. It’s totally understandable that pushing the button on the divorce and watching him cry will be very emotional for you. That’s going to be tough because there was no need to be where you find yourselves right now. But this has become very entrenched over many many years - he is so far progressed.

But remember that the tears he will cry in the coming days, weeks, months are about him and how he has lost his drinking cover. They are not for you - he may be manipulative to try to draw you back with threats of suicide etc - if he does - call the police to do a welfare check - if he is bluffing that will sort it - if he isn’t they will get the correct support in place.

It’s going to be a tough few weeks but it’s good that you have reread your 2 year thread because it will stop with the dangerous and enabling wishful thinking - the if onlys and what ifs.

It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that you didn’t know this man - you were not in a transparent RS - he was preoccupied with his other secret life. I hope that you are able to get professional support for you for these next difficult few months.

Well done telling your mum. That was the hardest thing for me too - especially since my mum was also an alcoholic and so inclined to cover for my husband and minimise everything. But it's out there now, done, one more thing crossed off the list. Keep going, you're doing brilliantly.

Your story sounds a lot like mine op apart from he hasn't been caught by anyone but me yet but one day he will

Solicitor instructed.

Gutted it has come to this

sorry you are going through this, but I think you know it's time to call an end to your marriage.

You are allowed to feel sad. It's healthy to grieve for what you've lost - let yourself have those feelings and don't beat yourself up over them. There will be ups and downs and moments of doubt. But you know you have done the only thing you could.

Just seen your updates. Glad you have support & a solicitor.

How are you?

Still here, decree nici now applied for and financial settlement agreed between us, which will be next for court review. I keep the flat.

He's still here, pending inherited house sale - still drinking and taking sleeping pills on the one hand, while still swearing he'll do anything it takes to keep me. It's out of his hands though...

He's made noises about re-hab, but I'll believe it when I see it. I've lost all faith, and with good justification.

Veering between towering strength and complete heartbreak at the moment.

I found a whole other bunch of HR documentation (yes, I went snooping - only way I'll find out what's "really" going on), and yes there were significant concerns about him drinking / being drunk at work.

The final straw was something else (breach in data protection), but it sounds like he was making mistakes left right and centre, and I don't blame them for pushing him out at the first concrete offence they could hang their hat on.

Reading all this chilled me to the absolute bone - I knew there was a problem, clearly, but I really thought he was holding it together at work still and keeping his drinking till after hours. His immediate reaction was to go on a vodka and sleeping pills bender (of course), the aftermath of which coincided with his final HR interview, at which he came across a drunken, incoherent, rambling wreck (I was listening at the door (both WFH)).

This was my rock bottom - once he'd sobered up from that, I said I wanted a divorce, and that's the position I've stuck to despite his many pleas and promises.

Fortunately, we've managed to get as far as decree nisi application and agreeing a financial settlement amicably. This is largely because I think he's still in denial, and thinks he can win me back round - hence not in his interests to rock the boat. Plus, he knows he's getting a good deal financially - I keep flat, he keeps pension - which is massively favourable to him.

He knows he needs to go once his mum's house sale goes through (in progress at the moment), but is still full of promises in the meantime.

A very weird limbo situation to be in right now!

You have done wonderfully well. His delusions are not your problem and he's painted himself into a corner now. Just be prepared in case he does something really stupid when he realises the consequences have arrived. Don't be afraid to act hard and fast- 999 was my friend when the shit hit the fan.

Freedom is coming. Grieve, heal, live your best life.

You sound strong and together .
Hopefully he will be gone soon

@Stickywhitelovepiss hope all is better now!

Well, I am fully divorced - just waiting for the land registry transfer of title to go through in the next few months.

I haven't yet faced up to pulling the emotional plaster and getting him to leave yet - it's gone horribly every time I've tried, and I just haven't been able to see it through.

It will happen, but in the meantime I am legally, financially and morally separated and protected, at the very least.