@pointythings
I remember your thread and your situation and I'm sorry but not surprised it has come to this. Use lockdown time to get your information together and get some online support from Al-Anon or a similar group so that you can work towards detachment and strong boundaries. Life with an addict is hideous. Once you've taken the plunge and separated, you'll be surprised how much better you will feel without him in your life.
I also posted on this thread under a different user name and like many of the other posters I am sad but not surprised at where you find yourself right now. That’s not a criticism of you but a reflection on how alcoholism progresses.
In just over 3 months time you will be TWO YEARS since you started the thread. That’s the point where you consciously became aware he had an extensive, secret, dangerous, problematic and long term drinking issue. Not sure that you took it on at the time - maybe it was a “boiling the frog” scenario. In that time he has lied and lied and lied to you - just as he has each and every day throughout your 12/14 year RS.
Where do you want to be in June?
Know that he will still be drinking heavily and lying to you. He is not emotionally connected to you - the mind of an alcoholic is preoccupied and obsessed with hiding, lying, craving - there is no mental capacity for authentic connection with another.
Also know that alcoholism is a progressive disease. Even if he doesn’t drink more and more his physical and mental capacity will continue to deteriorate and the the wheels will fall off his life - he will lose his job etc because he will make mistakes or be be drunk at work. There will be falls, incidents etc etc.
Are you still going to be enabling his alcoholism because putting and roof over his head and colluding with his secrecy through your own understandable shame and disappointment is exactly this. Look at all of the subtle ways you have adapted your life to accommodate his drinking so that HE never has to feel the consequences of his actions,
The question for you is are you at the end of the line - or do you want more or the same getting progressively worse and worse?
At his level of drinking he must have some serious and chronic health issues just about to pop - are you happy to be his carer for the rest of your life? And have your own life blighted by the physical limitations his illness will put on your current lifestyle and plans for the future?
He will lose his job, rack up debt - are you planning to work to fund him for the rest of his life as his nurse with a purse?
I also think that it’s really important to leave alcoholics sooner rather than later when they have more mental and physical capacity to turn around their life rather than when it has eroded to such a debilitating level. See leaving him as a gift of opportunity to him - a wake up call that he can take or not.
What research and planning do you have to start before you can implement changes?
What emotional and professional help do you need to access to support you through?
Lockdown is no excuse to hold you back.
You have mentioned avoiding telling your DM frequently - I would start there - this seems to be an obstacle for you and maybe represents your own subconscious denial and hiding of the problem.
Tell her. I bet she already knows or suspects.
Lean on your family and friends and TELL them what you want for YOU - emotional support to leave him - not tea and sympathy and attempts to fix HIM. Sunlight is the best disinfectant - you will feel such relief and real clarity once you get this out in the open.
You also say that you have not seen family or friends for the last year - it would be good for you to make arrangements to see friends one in one etc even if you don’t tell them immediately as you need to start building up your social life / friendship connections.
Have you been to Al Anon or have you any personal therapy in place?
Get all your legal stuff sorted before you tell him otherwise he will disrupt everything.
What small step can you take today?